Three weeks and counting.....

that's where we are for the first day of school. Three weeks from today. We are on vacation the week before so it will go by really fast. Poor kids..lol

Life has been a whirlwind of activities and that has kept me from blogging away here. All last week was spent training the new "girl" she's doing great but really limits my free time to blog and such. Of course we are buying for the end of year hurray so it's been busy anyhow.

Friday I met up with some friends for some R&R and catching up. It's so nice to have downtime with the girls. Saturday was filled with errands and laundry and cleaning then another girlfriend came over that night for some girltime. Sunday was spent at a candle party with more friends. It was a nice weekend to catchup with lots of friends but it left poor dh a little leftout. Poor dh :(

Anyhow, I'm tired today and it was raining this a.m. so that didn't help me getout of bed faster or anything else. I did get in my exercise all days and am really starting to see the benefits of doing the yoga. I've been seriously looking into the YMCA to join and was told if I babysit one night a week I can get my membership for a small fraction of the regular family membership, so I signed up. Hopefully they will call now. I really would love to get with a personal trainer but our funds do not allow this right now.

DS1 starts his football camp next Monday, he will have this week off and that is it for the summer, he's been so busy. He'll be there all day and first game is the 8th of Sept. Also that day is the day ds2 starts his bowling in the morning league. He's been playing for years and wants to keep on going. The next morning I will be up bright and early and doing the American Heart Association walk. If anyone would like to sponsor me, here's the link:

http://heartwalk.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=215455&u=215455-184998144

My name is Michelle Vaught, if you would like to pledge and I will thank you in advance if you do so.

We have football either every Friday night or Saturday morning from Sept through November and bowling every Saturday morning until March. Where do my weekends go?? Also, celebrating alot of birthdays next month so that will be a tiresome whirlwind also. I can't believe everyone I know seems to have a Sept birthday.

My dh's birthday is tomorrow and we celebrated that yesterday with a nice dinner and cake for all the boys and not me!! I've been pretty diligent not to try these things to see how long I can hold off and hopefully forever. I really didn't even mind.

Anyhow that's life in a nutshell, it's been busy...whew...is it Friday yet??

I've been tagged..............thx Jenn.....grrrr

eight obscurities.

The Rules:1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.3. People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and that they should read your blog.5. 8 is a magic number. Not three.


Eight Obscure Things About Me:

1) I am OCD, so bad that I check any plugged in item 3x exactly before leaving the house!! ACK!! I hate when dh cooks w/the crockpot, drives me batty!

2) I can't take care of our truck. I've run out of gas, low on oil (bad with getting oil change) etc....so many times dh has threatened to take away my keys...fine he can drive me then I need a chaffeur!!

3) I have vericose veins on my legs that would put Rand McNally maps out of business. They are horrible, big, ugly blue vericose veins....I think years of wearing heels (3" or more) w/fat leggies has given me this great look.

4) I graduated college w/dual bachelor degrees in 3 1/2 years. Just hated school and couldn't wait to get out...made a deal w/parents that I would go but I was a whirlwind romance, in and out before you could say go!

5) When I was 8-10 I thought I would grow up and be a singer, my sister and I would perform on our front porch...thank goodness we lived on 15 acres and NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE could see us, we were a sight, we would dress up and everything.

6) I have to have everything organized on my desk when I leave for work each night. Not a paper out of place or anything. It drives me batty when i come back from vacation and there are papers strewn all over the place....deep breath and sort.

7) I suffer terrible depression, although it comes and goes in rather long spurts, when I'm down it's horrible and I'm miserable....for the most part I am a happy person with no ill side affects of this.

8) Lastly, I sleep separate from my dh. While I love him and all, he likes his room freezing and I like my mildly warm...I hate to "share" the sleeping bed so we've had separate rooms for a while, it really seems to work out nice....he does come to visit ;)

Ok now it's my turn to tag the lovelies out there....so the eight I choose are not on our blog, nor do they participate w/Web ring, Marybeth, Dawn, APril, Amy, Chuck, Sue, Debbie and Sue W. C'mon ladies and gents show us your 8!!

Where have I been?

God I usually try to blog once a day, if not to clear my mind and soul but just to get my words down for me.

I've been busy, we are training or trying to the new girl, she's doing great the "ass" is deterring this process by teaching her all his bad habits. So privately we had a little talk this a.m. the new girl and me and set the record straight. She breathed a huge sigh I hope of relief and so did I. I want her here to work with me as a team...unlike what I have going on now!

Work is ramping up for the end of the year, in my field we are super busy until midnight on 12/31 so insanity begins...we have our annual trade show in Oct so I'm trying to get ready for that now...thank goodness a drink is a door away here :) j/k

Home is going extremely well, I know I haven't spoken of this in a while and both dh and I are actively still in therapy, together and separately. It's amazing the transformation that is being made and we are actually enjoying ourselves once again! Thanks to everyone and esp the DOC... I still suffer from horrible body dysmorphia...again our lovely doc will be the speaker at next support group. She is so great and I can't wait for it.

I did get a chance to talk with my NUT also on Tuesday night regarding my stalls, he told me to keep a detailed (very detailed) journal for the next six weeks and when I see him after my 9 month doc checkup we'll see what's going on. He doesn't mind that I maintain well, he said that is good for when I reach goal and it happens to people anyhow. So things seem to be working. I am still losing inches although not lbs...I think the increase in weights and everything else is contributing hugely to this. We'll see.

I'm also doing some walk w/the surgeons and support group office in Sept. I'm waiting on details from the lady regarding signup...but I can't wait, I love to do this sort of stuff and since I walk a million miles everyday anyhow, it's seems appropriate.

Well that's it in a nutshell....until next time

Forgiveness?

So I have a friend (let's call her M) and she and I had a falling out awhile ago as some readers may remember. Alot of it has to do with her low self esteem and my WLS journey. I haven't spoken with her in about 3-4 months and out of the blue she emails me yesterday asking for forgiveness. OK, I am a good person (at least I think so) and always want to be thought of as someone who takes the higher road and well forgiveness is simple right? WRONG, I was the one who got their feelings crushed and racked over because she couldn't deal. But again being the bigger person and more mature I am going to forgive her and have. We've talked a bit but boy she wasn't very sincere. So I wonder where and how far this friendship will actually go? It's a good question for me....and I wonder if any of you have ever dealt with this?

Attention or not?

I've noticed lately that alot of post WLS folks are sometimes embarrassed about the amount of attention that is drawn to them once they lost a significant amount of weight. While this weight may not be the goal they have pre-set for themselves or maybe they are only 1/2 way through their journey, for some they may be at goal, but it may be the most uncomfortable thing when you go to a party, outing or simply run into an old friend (who hasn't seen you in a while) and they gush, overboard at that. You become the topic of conversation, it is humiliating at best when all you tried to do pre-WLS is hide behind a fabric of distain and keep your distance from everyone. Your mind has a really hard time assimilating the fact that YES, you are beautiful and yes YOU have lost weight and look fantabulous! BUT WAIT, you are shy, and at best not in a frame of mind to handle this compliment. What do you do? Do you run out of the room and slink back to your bed, pull the sheets over your head and hide? Or can you simply take the compliment move the subject along and pray they don't bring it back up. I have found that I can accept the compliment, while I don't always believe in the compliment I do realize that I have worked very hard to loose these 90 some lbs and even though I have more to go to be at my personal and doctor goal I have lost the equivalent of a boy scout. That is a victory in itself. I am not a defeatist to run and hide and can graciously accept said compliment but many can't and to tell you the truth I haven't heard of alot of people who are mentally prepared to deal with this post-surgery.

Post surgery, you are trying to walk, sip and get in any amount of protein that can justify a means to an end. Once you get a little further out, you make a meal plan, stick to it religiously and the weight simply falls off. Then you hit six months and you hit a plateau, once this happens you have usually lost about 1/2 or more of your expected weight loss, but wait...NO ONE says now you need to learn how to accept the compliments and be a part of the IN crowd. You are socially acceptable in gatherings, you are winked at by men walking down the street. You have superiors who praise your work (not that it is different than the work you used to submit) but this is society. We are raised on books like VOGUE, ELLE, etc which body size is important. They say you should be fit and healthy, but what model is fit and healthy at a size 0 when she's 5'10" tall? You see hip bones protrude and collar bones appear and even the ribs. You once knew they were tucked away in your body all safe and sound under those layers and layers of fat, but now you can see them! SHOCK at it's best is all I can say. I am still amazed that I have hip bones and when I lay I see and feel them, pointy little buggers they are. Of course when I stand I still have the panni to deal with so they are still tucked away a bit and safe for now.

I still have a hard time with body image. Someone actually called me skinny this weekend. Of course I thanked her but at the same time ran and looked in the mirror and all I saw was the fat panni hanging and the loose, wiggly, jiggly jello type skin hanging off my thighs and the bat wings and I thought, where is this skinny person she is referring too? I do not always assimilate me with this person, she and I have not become one person yet. I am working on this, it's a hard, upward battle, which I intend on winning but only because I'm not a defeatist. I want to be the best I can in health and there for my children when they bring their's over to visit with me (in the future of course) but I also and doing this for ME!!!

So thank you to the drs and NUTS and all those who have marched in my shoes before me, whether you've had RNY, DS or Banding, we are all one and united in this million people march to victory.

Friday

I'm am seriously exhausted this a.m. I didn't want to get up, nor did I stay up late. I made myself exercise, which was half assed at best this a.m. It's horrible. I have a headache and my nose is all stuffy....I'm am turning into that whiney crybaby that I hate!! WAHHHHHHH

Enough of that it is Friday! I'm so darned happy. Tonight the boys and I are doing something, what I have no idea as I've left it up to them. Tomorrow I still have no idea but the weather looks like it may cooperate a tad more than I originally thought so maybe the shore is not out of the question, we'll see. I would love to sit by the beach and vege for a bit...I really need it. Sometime I do have to grocery shop as I am running out of everything and clean and do wash...yuck and double yuck. I wish I could afford someone to come in a do all of this stuff which I hate. Maybe someday when I win the lottery :)

On another note the asst has been a royal PIA the last few days...The new one starts Monday so they will have a week of overlap, how I wish that would change but alas it's not. I have to deal with it, hopefully he won't snark his way through next week, because I will surely have something to say about that, sorry you are so perfect that you can't even file!! What a story that one is...he was asked to put away last fiscal filing, so it appeared that he literally grabbed handfuls of folders and dumped them any which way into a filing box and put them away...WTF is that, I was out looking for something yesterday and opened the box what a disaster. So when asked to correct this he apologizes and states this "my IQ is so darn high that I don't even realize when I mess up the simplest thing" what is that?? I am still perplexed...but anyhow that honeymoon is over and moving on...

So I hope to have an enjoyable weekend and we'll see you all on the flip side.

The bloat

I feel like I swallowed a watermelon...I will say at this point eight month's out I thought some things like my period would have started to regulate a bit but nope, nada, zip, zilch...So hopefully some more exercise will eleviate this bloat and I can resume my regular program.

I need to call the doctor tomorrow and reschedule my visit which coincides with vacation!! yes a real vacation next month! I can't wait, beach, sand water and surf will be mine for a whole luxurious week!

I need to get some things wrapped as the new asst starts Monday, I'm very excited about this prospect as this one has to go and fast!! So I need to plan the weekend and see what the heck is going on with this humid possibly very rainy weekend

Apologies

For the rude comment that a fellow co-worker spewed at me yesterday. Evidently his boss overheard it and was none too happy. Although I was shocked and thought it to be a bit rude, this person is just generally like that. OY So anyway apology accepted and no more comments will be made...yeah right!

I've turned into a bit of a slug also lately. I don't know what has come over me, but I can't seem to shake it. I'm still exercizing, but dont' feel like I'm giving it my ALL. Maybe it's just that I am running all the time, I'm tired, who knows. Anyhow, I will perservere and it too shall pass.

DS1 has two more football games (7 on 7) and then he'll have a week break before training starts...the vacation is three weeks and a few days away! thank god...I'm tired and ate way too much yesterday. Felt like I was wearing a hollow leg. Today I feel gross, upset tummy...I guess so since I had one too many bad things yesterday!

I've lost

my boobs...it's a sad day. I've been informed, or rather misinformed by a co-worker that my boobs are gone. After I got over the embarrassment of the whole situation I had to confer that yes in my attempt at a healthier life it has left me with less than desirable boobs. Unfortunately they have to be tucked in the bra to look nice and without said bra, well you wouldn't even want to go there!

So it's a done deal....I'm not sure I would want a boob job, but ....

A little update

The weekend was a blur and very stressful. I found myself, more than once wanting to take the edge off my nerves with food. Of course doing so would just make me sick....so I lived through it. My grandma (who's 95) was found unconscious Friday, they took her to the hospital and she was thoroughly dehydrated and has had another minor heart attack, thank goodness for all that but it took us 9 hours to find this out. Saturday the kids and I had plans to hike and meet friends up in Kutztown, so we went (at my mother's prodding) she said she would be home to take care of grandma, well we got home that night and I called in to check only to find out she and my sister had been out all day shopping for wedding stuff! WHAT!!! My mother has no cell (I know she's probably only one of 10 people who don't) anyhow no one checked in on grandma after they dropped her home and nestled her in bed that day. I was flamed. So Sunday I spent some time at grandma's and with sister who leaves today for Greece...good luck and hope to see you soon!

So we did have a nice hike (although small) on Saturday but it was perfect to get back into the swing of it. I also found a Denise Austin yoga tape so that was cool. It's a combo pilates and yoga...I have some problems with the yoga and the right knee, it doesn't want to comply with all the moves with the partial in there...I don't know if it ever will!

Anyhow the weather was nice and warm and low humidity and the company was great....so all in all it was a good weekend.

8 months ago today

It's not a year yet but what progress I have made in 8 months....

this was me:




and today:



what a difference a few months make. I have been relieved of all neck, back and knee pain, off most of my meds and have found a new interest in exercise that I never had before the way I do now. I enjoy my life and all it has to offer and thanks to Dr. Irgau who made all this possible for me!

WOW it's been a couple of days

How did I get by without posting!! LOL I know I've been busy. Work is manic, we are in the process of hiring a replacement for the one on his way out(thank god) and I'm part of this process at my request so I can weed out any undesirables from the get go! It's been a long week of interviewing but well worth my time invested. There are a few options right now but still a few more to see today.

Scale is moving downward again...it seems like I plateau for a bit (couple of weeks) and then I see movement. I've also rearranged my eating again hoping it will be more conducive to long term eating than not. Exercise is back in full swing thanks to the wonderful Dr. C who gave me the cortizone shot last Friday and it seems to have worked wonders!

It's fun to shop...WOW did I ever think that way? No, in fact I used to hate, HATE, hate clothes shopping. I always had one excuse or another as to why, but I believe that deep down the reason was because I was FAT and the options were horrid! Now that is not the case. Of course I would love to find a bra that would enhance my boobs (or lack thereof) and that I could fold the excess skin into looking natural and not stuffed! I tried on some at VS a few weeks back and ran out of there in tears mortified because the stuffed portions of skin were hanging out the top and it wasn't attractive.

We are venturing out to a cave for an expedition in PA this weekend, should be interesting and I hope fun to say the least. I don't know but I do know I will be able to handle all the walking and steps..hooray. I would love to go hiking but haven't had the chance to get any in this summer, making that a priority for next when the oldest is done with football and moving on to college.

Off tomorrow to pickup the sister, who is flying in for her last weekend home until next year. She will marry in late October on the island and then we will do it again next year here in the USA. I'm so happy for her, but will miss her immensely. So I'll be Philly airport bright and early hoping for no delays!!

I really don't have much else exciting going on, tomorrow is my 8 month surgiversary so pics and measurements will be in store for me.

New Clothes

Yeah I found some really fabulous buys yesterday and didn't have to mortgage the house to bring them home! I tried on some 8's for the most part they fit except one pair of docker's pants. I'm so happy....I really am starting to feel like I've made it somewhere outside of the fat girl I once was. Today I have on a pretty Nine West top of burgundy and saffron flowers and black skirt to compliment. I feel pretty! I can't remember the last time I put on a dress, skirt or any clothes and actually felt pretty. It's a remarkable feeling that I don't want to lose anytime in the near future.

Yesterday the blazing humidity came back with a vengence, although the calendar says July I would quite like it if it were spring or fall...and not so bloody humid. Ah well I'll be complaining how cold I am in about 4 months right! :)

Picked up some great fruit at the local farmers market yesterday too! I do love the fresh fruit and veggies that summer brings!!

Ah Saturdays......

I love Saturdays. They must be my favorite day of the week.

This a.m. I was up long before the sun and cleaning like a fool. I've noticed that with my WLS the more I lose the more energy and less sleep I need to maintain my lifestyle. It's amazing to me. Before I would slug around and procrastinate everything until the 11th hour.

I've made a set of cards that I will be selling at my craft show. They have turned out beautifully along with a nice little memory book. I've even made a Walmart trip and it's only 3pm. I have chicken to grill tonight and a nice book to enjoy outside later. What more could I ask for, some earned downtime!

The asst at work got his promotion, thank god for me, and yes I feel sorry for them. But that is no longer my problem!

so I'm off to enjoy the rest of the day, looking to get a good walk in, got to remember the ped to track how far I've been going. Oh and the cortizone shot worked wonders, I feel great

Ciao

Friday and junk

So it's Friday again, thank god. It's been a long, short week for me. I have a ton of work to do and no motivation to get any of it done, so here I sit blogging away.

It's going to be a nice weekend, we have a few house items to take care of so I guess we will be laying close to home for the most part. DH is finishing his first week back at work, can I get an AMEN! He's feeling the pressure of being back at work, but seemingly easing back into great.

The one boy is off to his father's for the weekend, so that will clear up some issues of what will go on. The other one wants to go to a water park, on a weekend! What are you friggin crazy! We'll have to see about that one.

I want to do some clothes shopping as my size 10's are starting to really get loose, I am figuring 8's are in the bag for me right now. Of course here I go fixating on sizes again!

I also want to get some sort of exercise regime that is different going on. I have found I love, love, love pilates. 85 lb ago I would have told you to go to hell if you even mentioned exercise let alone something like pilates! Hee hee, it's my new stressbuster. I have heard great things about Mari Windsor so we'll see how that pans out.

I almost forgot, here is a very bad picture of dh and me. Don't mind the windblown hair we had no time to brush before we smiled :)



So with that everyone enjoy....it's summer and it won't last forever!!

Quickie on the doc

So I went in this a.m. Did I ever mention I love my ortho surgeon, he's the best, has treated me fairly and made sure I received the utmost care through all of this knee crap. I actually was about to embark on my WLS venture when the knee thingy came up and stopped me dead in my tracks a few years back. Ok so anyhow, he came in the room, said excuse me and walked out, then rattled a few papers in the hallway and came back in all red and embarrassed. He thought he went in the wrong room, he said I was "unrecognizable". As flattered as I was I still couldn't wrap my brain around that! Oh he's such a nice guy....well the long story short is I have bursitis in my calf muscle...He gave me a quickie cortizone shot in the muscle (can you say OWIE) and then I walked up and down the hall a bit and he sent me on my way. I should be good as new in a few days. All I could think is that I'm not screwed, I can continue with my exercise routine and god bless him. I know the fear that this would end my wls venture was reeling in my head heavily. Why? Who the hell knows, maybe GOD himself and maybe no one at all, but that is the mentality I am still having regarding being put in situations like this. Is it wrong? Is it right? No one knows, but I've been saved again! THANK GOD

Fuzzy and medicated

I'm medicated up to my ears, my head feels like it's one big haze but life goes on and so does work. Tomorrow a.m. is the doc, I'm still having funny feelings that something is definitely wrong with this leg, that it will throw me back to my former self of no exercise....I am absolutely HATING this feeling. But the knee is painful, even when I'm just sitting so.....

A short bit on therapy, it's going really well, although I want to talk more about my WLS issues than my marriage (because it's going well) and she doesn't want to...I almost think I need another therapist to start helping me deal with these issues, but truthfully, I believe they go hand in hand with what is going on in my everyday life. I am getting all kinds of comments but my mind is still seeing the fattie girl staring back from the mirror. Sometimes when I'm in the bathroom at work I look at the girl in the mirror and wonder who is she? It's got to be the craziest thing I've ever heard of, AM I CRAZY!! I hope not, but at this point anything is possible. Heck, I've slid up on the steel board and had the nice doctor rearrange my insides to help me lose weight, how much more crazy do you get. No that's not crazy, that's my life. I can't eat rice, bread, cucumbers, anything too sweet...but it was my choice and one I would do in a New York second if I had to start all over again. I've had zero regrets that this was the right decision for me.

Icky feeling

I have a headcold. I feel miserable. It has been a long, long time since I've been sick at all and I hate it! Sore throat, headache, body aches...it's going to be a long, long day!

Where did that pain come from

I've been having knee pain for about a week now, no new exercise or nothing that triggers my mind to say OW that's how that happened. So yesterday I called the ortho surgeon and have an appointment on Friday a.m. I'm fearful that I will become the person I was before, not able to exercise and that the weight will start coming back, in the back of my mind I know this is silly but it's the reality I'm living with until Friday. I don't understand why, 1 1/2 years after surgery and therapy that I'm suddenly feeling this way!

I did walk again last night, I almost will my body to do it while the whole time I'm in pain. I am struggling with my mind to make this go away.

I want to hide and come out when it's all fixed!

Extended weekends

I took an extra day off this weekend to contend with some things that are going on in life. Suffice to say it all worked out wonderfully. I'm pleased and forward progress is happening.

I wanted to take a minute and thank those who've I've connected with online via the ring. The IM service is a wonderful thing and I got to know a few of the other sassies out there and it was nice!!

My car is back in the shop out back here at work getting looked at. I had a strange thing happen during my drive yesterday and it wasn't pleasant, hopefully this won't set me back too many $$.

Oh and the knee (the one which I've had partial knee replacement on) is killing me. I have a call into the doc (knee surgeon) and want to get in soon. It's been killing me since Thursday last week and with apparent reason I can think of. Hopefully, it's just old age and bones and nothing severe to worry about.

It's hot and humid and bloody miserable here too! Just to add to it all, I'm having a horrible hair day! Actually I have bad hair days regularly as I have thin, baby fine straight hair. With the addition of the strange curly's that are growing back where I lost my hair, it's definitely not a good look on anyone.

I would love to be sitting on a beach reading a book right about now, but they pay me to work here so.......

Today is Friday again.....

well that would be true if I had Wed off this week, but alas I didn't.

Just some bullets for today as I'm feeling lazy and don't want to get into details:

-size 10's are getting big
-food is going down pretty good these days
-water is up, hopefully it can stay that way
-summer is heating up, not sure if I like this or not
-TGIF!! can't say enough there
-I'm tired this week (not sure why)
-my head is swimming with things that need to be done (maybe this is why I'm tired)
-It's the weekend, ok I know I've said that but it can't come soon enough

So on that note, ciao, everyone have a great one

Family

I think someone once told me that God made friends to make up for having family!! It's a pun supposed to be taken that way, but sheesh sometimes I feel like I have the most mixed up family in the world! I have one brother, who for the most part since he was married in 99 does not spend anytime, via phone, visits or whatsoever with our immediate family (with the exception of our mother when he needs a babysitter) in the past 7 1/2 years. He claims he CANNOT speak with our father, nor does he call me, or my other two sisters at all. So here's why this is remarkable to me. My youngest sister is getting married in Oct, in Greece. Of all the immediate family that could be in attendance my mother and him are going to be the only two. I have work, which unfortunately has a rule that allows no vacation from Oct through Dec 31st. Weird as it sounds you miss a day you feel like you miss a month! My other sister has a store she owns which she and her husband almost run solo now and can't get away, my father does not wish to see the mother therefore he won't go. So that leaves brother and mother to go which is totally fine with me, although there is a little nag in me wishing I could also be there. You see my youngest sister and I are very close, we are 6 days short of 11years apart in age but are as close as twins could be, we look alike, think alike, finish one another's sentances...ok so you get the idea, plus the whole idea of spending a week in Greece sounds absolutely divine to me. I'd love to ramble among the rocks, I mean ruins that made up ancient Greece and learn a little about the world out there. But alas I will make my journey, hopefully, next spring. So the disfunctiality of my family lives on and who knows what craziness will happen next.

Happy 4th

Unfortunatley for me today is not a recognized holiday for work, so here I am....I do get to use it as a floater though and love it when Turkey day rolls around and everyone works the day after but ME!!

Doing pretty darn good with my food and exercise, have fought and hopefully beat that dreaded carb monster for the moment at least. It's always in my mind though. Last night I stocked up on some great berries and made a beautiful salad out of it that I will top with a ricotta cheese mixture flavored with splenda and vanilla....added a few slivered almonds and breakfast...viola... I can't wait to have it in a bit. Right now I'm having coffee to kick start my day a bit and then we'll move on.

No special plans for this holiday, and it is raining so not too sure about the fireworks for tonight either. So all in all it seems like just a regular ole day to me!

When is enough?

Enough food, enough praise and enough criticism. I seem to be falling under each of these now, some more than others. I eat till I'm full, one day that may be more food than the other. I take in everyone's praise and for the most part am thankful I'm alive to enjoy it, but on the other hand I have my share of criticism lately. You are too thin, you don't eat enough, you should stop losing, you will fall away to nothing. OK for the record right now I weigh 165, I'm 5'5 and I'm not where "medical science" believes is a good weight, if I were there I would weigh more like 140ish give or take a few lbs. So believe me when I say I'm not thin, but I am drastically thinner than the former self pre-surgery. I have lost 81.5 lb which is a small child, but the point being I'm healthier and I've accepted that if I don't reach that goal of 140 it's ok because I'm ok. I'm almost off all my meds (currently weaning off the last bp pill) and I can walk, exercise (with a vengence) and do things I haven't been able to do in years. All I ever wanted to be was healthy, and be there for my boys when they get older and hopefully marry and bring me grandchildren. I want to be there for my dh and enjoy our lives as we grow older and do things that I wouldn't have dreamed of in my former state of being. So for all of those out there who like to critize me, enough is what I've had when I deem that is necessary. I don't need anyone to tell me what to do or how to live my life. I am enjoying myself and you should be enjoying your life and not worrying so much about mine!

Picture Perfect

was the exact words to describe the "big" boat ride this weekend. I had no time to download my pics from my camera but I will. It was a gorgeous 89' yacht we rode down the Hudson to the Statue of Liberty (while blaring Neil Diamond) then up the East River and back up the Hudson. The weather was gorgeous, company great and everyone had an excellent time. Aftewards we went down to The Chart House near Palisades and had dinner overlooking the New York City skyline as the sunset. It was the ending of a beautiful day watching the full moon ascend over the city that never sleeps.

Sunday was back to reality with cleaning, wash and all those other motherly duties that we all really wish we could hire help for!! We've planned the vacation and are leaving on the 18th of August for a week. I cannot wait for a little R&R with no work and no worrying about anything!

Weight is down for the week, which is where it should be. Periods are still being irratic, which is driving me absolutely bonkers. Kids are being their normal selves (which always isn't good) and life goes on. I'm tired from all the activities and will come back and post my pictures soon

Rainy types of Fridays

So the big storms came through, actually without so much hoopla as the ones the night before. But the temps are much nicer and the humidity is lowering.

Today is dday per se for the asst who puts the ASS in assistant....hopefully (but probably not) he will finally get it that he works here in my dept for ME!! Like I said I'm not holding my breath....

Tomorrow is the boat ride - yeah

Sister announced (finally) to the family she's getting married - IN GREECE, and soon....

We are probably going to try and see if the cat that is hanging around would like to become a permanent member of our family. We've tried to find him a home, but alas no one claims her....she's sweet and we all love her.

The weather is getting nice again, just like summer should be

It's almost 4th of July....of course I still have to work...so who cares.. I DO!!

I'm losing again....that feels really good

It's the weekend....that feels better

Everyone have a great one!

Hip, Hip Horray!!

DH has finally gotten a job!! and a good one at that.....so no more Mr. Mom for him. Starting Monday bright and early he'll be back commuting with the crazies out there for a measly few dimes to rub together and call his own. I'm so happy, he got laid off from his last job the same night of my surgery, now mind you that was 7 1/2 months ago. So you can see why I'm so darned excited.

The scale has gone to the graveyard in the trash dump......it's really a shame because it was a great scale, but with my hefty person once inhabiting it almost daily for months now, well no wonder the poor sucker gave out. I'm torn about purchasing a new one at this point and may just go without and go with clothing comfort. We'll see, because as much as I want to I can't seem to let go of that scale, that beautiful piece of mankind that allows me to see that I'm not obese, or fat or even moderately fat anymore....

As much as I don't want to be I've been rabidly following my sizes on my journey down. I don't always believe this is healthy and I can't seem to get out of the knack of being pleased when a certain something in a lesser size fits. Like for instance today, I'm wearing flat panel pants in size 8!! Holy cow I think to myself, size 8, I don't even think I wore this size in high school ever, at all. So to my mind it's a huge accomplishment, but I don't want to measure all my accomplishments by size and a number. I need to figure out a way to start finding other things to rejoice. Maybe the fact that I'm down from 5 pills a day to 1/2 and it should/will be gone by November of this year as I'm weaning myself off with doc's supervision. I don't know, I like the thrill and adventure of this losing but my rational mind says it's bad, it's like eating ice cream, so darned addictive.

We've been having wicked t-storms here and are in line for another batch this afternoon and tonight, however, when this batch comes through we are also ushering in cooler, dryer air for the weekend, so YEA for us.

I'm excited for the big boat trip this weekend, have to remember to get the camera. Also, find something to wear that is nice but sensible for a boat trip.

that's life for the moment....

Time for a boat trip

We are going on a nice boat ride this Sat....starting in Haverstraw, NY around the Statue of Liberty then up the Hudson River. Thank goodness this wicked weather should be cleared out by then!! I am very excited and actually want to buy something casual nice to wear on the trip!! WOW I would never have even considered going on this trip in the past, but things change.

On a weight note, I had to peek at the scale this a.m. Well that was a bust and I think the darned scale is broke!! It read 125.5 three different readings. Now I know there is no way in hell that I've dropped 42.5 lb in one night. I know I sweat buckets when I work out but c'mon folks. The poor scale has just had too much trauma and is done. I thought I broken it before, but it needed a new battery, dh put in said battery and it was back working like a charm, not this time. I think I will have to send it off to the scale graveyard.

In my personal life, it's going good, dh is back to joining me for couples therapy tonight and then we both go individual. I'm so excited, I didn't want to blog about it, but I'm glad things are turning....maybe this is the break we've needed. He missed an important call about a job yesterday too!! So today he will call and hopefully Monday he will be working again! Makes him feel like a real man again. Also, getting my hair streaked with blond highlights. I've done the dark for a bit, now it's time for a bit of a change. I hope I like it when it's done.

Work, is work...busy and getting busier by the moment for me. With dh's new impending job, no time for family vacation...so maybe some R&R for myself with long weekends....ahhhhh

Life is good right now!

Ding Dong

the weight is finally gone. I've broken the plateau officially. Six weeks of bobbling back and forth between 170 and 172 and now I'm 168....two days in a row. I've conquered the demons and am marching forward again in my procession. Of course during this plateau I was losing inches still as I was measuring and the clothes were definitely getting looser still.

I took an extended weekend off, relaxing with the boys and dh at the beach, had a big amount of car trouble (tow, fixed and more $$ that I don't have to pay for it all) but we are back on track. It was nice and albeit short, much needed.

So today I have alot of work to catch up on and get ready for the big buys coming at the end of the week.

So I am learning that perserverance has big rewards. Before I never would have made it this far. I'm learning and it feels good!

Home and gone again

J fly in without a hitch yesterday afternoon. I met her at the airport and we had a brief but fun 5 hour visit. Then she was up and off again this a.m. down to SC where she is currently living. It's always nice to see your sister, it was surprising though that she walked right by me at the airport!! I can't believe I look that different since I last saw her in Feb and she's had update pictures every month from me.

I miss you J!!

It's Friday, let's do that happy dance!! I'm excited about a nice weekend weather wise. Going down to the shore tomorrow and see what I can get into.

Have a great weekend all!!

J is coming home

I'm so excited to see my little sissie. I haven't seen her since Valentines weekend and it was bitter cold when she came up to visit, but we did get a bit of shopping in. My little sis and I are very close, so it's been a real pia to have her living in Greece the past three months. Of course I have to get used to this as she is going to be marrying and moving there permanently soon. She, of course will be exhausted, but I am so glad she's coming home.

I'm in a good mood today. I'm starting to think that my body is becoming more moody as the influx of hormones with the WLS is running rampid all the time. I am also wondering if I am suffering from some sort of depression. It's entirely possible given the circumstances I've been dealing with at home for the past few months, along with the WLS which can have this occur also. So I think it's time for a heart to heart with the doctor(surgeon) regarding this. I think too much and that is half of my problem.

Welcome to summer, it's my favorite day of the year, the summer solstice or longest day. Of course who doesn't love to have all that Vitamin D out there for the taking. It doesn't hurt that our weather has turned absolutely marvelous. Low humidity and low to mid-80's for temps. It's simply perfect.

I've had quite a few very good food days. I've noticed alot of my fellow sassy sisters here are starting to talk more and more about the carbs and how evil they are. Well I'm one of them who has/had succumbed to this horrific realization that they go down to easy and have absolutely no freaking benefit to me at all! I've made my complex or simple, back to the basics. It's such a great tool, and for an overanalyzer like myself it was easy to see where I was falling back.

Exercise has been changed around again, for boredom reasons more than any other at this point. I can't wait till dh finds a job so I can pursue the health club route. Excuses, excuses...but the $$ is just not there right now. At least the work gym gives me a great variety of machines and weights to use.

It's a great day, go out and enjoy it.

All I can say

is I'm starting over today. I had a great/emotional/horrible therapy session last night. After my thinking period and what we spoke of last night she felt like I had some breakthroughs. So we will work on these, one at a time per my request, and see where this takes us. I hate being miserable, bitchy and moody.

Today is a nice rainy day, man did we need it. My little flowers are curling at the leaves it was so dry out there. Today we have a nice steady, slow rain. It's beautiful the way mother nature rejuvenates itself when in desperate need. Unfortunately the boys are supposed to go swimming so we'll see if it clears up in time for them to go.

Thinking about taking off or 1/2 day on Friday. I am pretty sure we are all heading down to the shore again this weekend. I'm really starting to enjoy these long weekends and relaxing with book in hand at the shore line. I've also heard gf's are going to be down at the beach this weekend too this weekend, so it should be fun.

I took a day off yesterday from exercise, it felt good. I am pushing it way too much lately. Is there such a thing as pushing exercise too much? Anyhow, I didn't do any. Today, right back at it. It's nice to want to do exercise.

Tonight we go see Uncle B, he leaves in the a.m. to go back to Montana. Tomorrow J comes home from Greece, I can't wait to see her.

I'm mulling over a few things and life is beautiful.

Someone call me a doctor...........

that is if he can fix this head of mine. When I first embarked on my WLS journey, it was May 2003. I was convinced that this would be my solution to a long term, life endangering problem that I had, I was FAT!! Well I started my research, spent the next 6 months researching everything and then BAM, the knee went. My world as I knew it fell out from beneath me. I was devastated because this knee, which has been in various states of disrepair my whole life, was failing me and keeping me from proceeding on with my initial consultation. I fell into a deep depression regarding this whole ordeal. When you are FAT and fighting the demons and already to a degree depressed, having something monumental happen, like this it's hard to cope. I finally had my knee repaired (actually partial replacement) in Feb 2005. It took that long to get everything in line and try with desparate attempt all other options before the insurance would pay for the surgery. I lost another 2 years of my life at this point. Well that's how I looked at it at this point. Plus I continued to balloon upwards, spiraling out of control. I had limited exercise and pain was a part of my everyday life. One year, exactly, to the day after my knee surgery, I pulled out all my old WLS research. I was taking charge of my life once again. I have a very good friend in CA, who had the DS surgery in 3/05, she is a shining example of surgery done right. She was very gentle, but constantly prodding me, reminding me, however she did she planted the seed again. This time it flourished. I went on vacation with the family to VA Beach in Aug 06, it was the final straw, the pictures, the bathing suit (or tent as I referred to it as) and the whole experience of walking (or lack of really) hit home, I could not go on living my life the way it was playing out. I had already made my first consult appointment prior to us leaving, but there was a wait. I waited. I was patient, at least I thought I was, but probably not. I went in, I was prepared. I thought I knew what I wanted in 2003, come to find out I totally changed my mind about this by the time I reorganized in 06 and went in knowing the only lap RNY was the solution for me. The strictness of having my insides re-arranged was what I needed to keep my honest and to put me in a place where this tool would help me for the rest of my natural life. So as the doc and I were chatting I asked him alot of questions. I went in with a list, written out. He was very pleased I was prepared, he said so. I was pleased by the results of this conversation, of him and we moved forward. The next month, month and a half were a plethora of visits to all the support doctors we see pre-op. It was surreal. I never had a doubt, quiver or allowed myself to think that this was not the thing to do. Well I finished out with the doctors, everything was a go, I was excited and I had two weeks to prepare for surgery. During those two weeks I spent alot of time pondering if this was really the thing I should do. I had what I thought was a mild panic attack one night analyzing this to death. Deep down in my heart I knew it was 1000% the correct thing to do, but my head, well it will mull it over and over and let that self doubt that is so prevalent in my life come through. The mind is a wicked place if you do not have control over it, at least for me. I know many times during my life when I was dieting I would get to that place where I would cheat, then cheat again. I would gain back a few pounds lost and my mind would say, Michelle, you are fat, you dh loves you, live with it. I would be OK for a day or so then I would fall into depression over another failed diet. This cycle would repeat itself over and over during my adult life. So now I've called the shrink yesterday. I told her, I need to get my head right. I can't work on my marriage until I'm right. I can't love someone else, until I learn to love myself, for who I am today. Through all this hard work and having my insides rearranged I wish there were some type of pre-op support to help you re-arrange you head to match your lower portion. I don't know where this will lead, but I'm tired of trying to please everyone else and getting no pleasure out of this current lifestyle.

It's really an eye awakening realization to wake up and realize that I really don't love myself enough to love another.

The reality is............

the weekend is over and today is Monday. My body says lets have off a few extra days and have some fun, it was just getting started!!

Weekend was a blur, literally. I was so busy and all the pre-arranged plans got switched based on one boy and his tournament that he 'forgot' to tell me about earlier last week. So Friday was off to shop for food, I hate food shopping I hardly eat any of which I buy and mostly its stuff for the boys. So home and unpack and off for some retail therapy of my own. I got all kinds of fun, cute things for the backyard to make it more desirable a place to sit and relax and enjoy life. I really do like to read or whatever out back if it's nice surroundings. Oh did I mention I did buy a pair of size8 (OMG i can't believe 8's) shorts and a nice tank to go with it this weekend too. I am loving my surgery right now, plateau has finally broken and with a bang!! Down 6 whole lbs with one weigh in. Really reaffirms for me that this is a tool and you have to work the system baby to make it work.

Sister is coming home from Greece on Thursday, I can't wait to see her, it's been a while, well since she visited in February, and I've changed so much and I just can't wait to see her. My little sister and me are so close, always have been, and I missed her tons when she moved away, but greece, well that's not even easily accessible.

Made cards, finally, Saturday morning. DS2 and I got up extra early, yeah 5:30 for each of us...what the heck is that!! I am finding that the more I exercise and lose weight the more energy I have and I don't sleep 1/2 as long or feel tired throughout the day like I did before. I just like to cram as much as I can into each day and consider it a blessing to be alive and healthy.

So today, I have lots of work to catch up on. Of course to catch up with all you great girls too since I've had no computer....and plan some more beach time off!!

My Friday

Yeah for me, we are off tomorrow, heading out to Baltimore Aquarium to take in the beauty of Australia. Probably the closest I will ever get to Australia at least for a long period of time. I'm very excited to go as this will be a big walking day, plus seeing alot of exciting things. Hopefully I will not forget my camera (as previous jaunts I have) and it will be a beautiful day.

Other than that I have a nice relaxing weekend in store. Planning on visiting a relative who has flown in from Montana (the Big Sky country) and spend some quality time with him sans his beautiful wife, Jewel. Maybe take in some of the great foods of the Italian festival that is ending this week and draws about 150,000 - 200,000 to our little ole state for some good food, family, games and entertainment. Of course who wouldn't want to win the brand new Cadillac that they raffle off at the end of the whole thing! Of course with the prices of fuel, I wouldn't want to be that lucky winner this year...lol

So I'm relishing my Friday ways today and it's only Thursday!!

Enjoy the weekend, as I don't think I'll be popping in here much at all.

Yesterday

was a perfect WLS eating day....mostly protein, veggies and lots of H2O...

I feel accomplished, very much so. Also, throw in there some cardio and weights and viola recipe for a smaller version of me.

Now if I can just keep this up, we'll be back in business in no time.

On another note, sister 2 is coming home from Greece next week, exactly in one week. She's been over there visiting her "friend" K for the last three months. To make a long story shorter, she's known him for a little over a year, they are both traveling back and forth spending time with one another, and now they are getting married, both in Greece and here in the US. I'm so excited and the very first to know in my family. Ssshhh it's a big secret for now. I've had to tell someone and since I know for a fact that no one in my family reads my blog I'm safe (or as safe as one can be on the internet...ha ha) Anyhow I'm very excited for her and she's asked me to join them this year (later) for the Greek ceremony...so I'm saving the bucks because Greece is one place I've always wanted to visit and how nice would that be. I'm very excited can you tell. :)

So it gives me pleasure to have something to strive for once again, of course these last 20 are going to be the killer, but I'm excited to see them go once and for all.

Plateaus

I'm stuck!! Been this same weight for 4 weeks now.. I knew it would come sooner or later, I was just hoping for later.

I haven't done a bad job of the weight loss so far, but I've tightened the belt per se on snacking and upped the exercise, more cardio!!

I've lost 70% of the excess weight, who couldn't be happier about that!! But darn ok damn I hate the lulls, I want to lose another 1 lb maybe 2 lbs...tease me, please me, just show me a loss scale!!

So there I have it, I'm stuck....hoping to unstick myself real soon!

Goals and weight loss

Melting Mama in a post last week asked us about our goals. Well I have a hefty list that I handwrote in a journal (which is home right now) with goals. I can rattle off a dozen or so off the top of my head so hear goes:

Goals to reach via WLS:

To be able to walk stairs without needing a 1) break and 2) breathing machine
To exercise
To cross legs
To weight less than dh
To become healthier, hence being taken off meds needed to survive
To feel good about oneself
To be able to walk, 1 mile, 2 miles, 3 miles...ok you get the idea (BTW: I'm up to about 6-7 at a jaunt right now)
To enjoy life
To become acceptable in said life and job
To hike
To bike
To become a participant in life rather than a specatator
To learn to love myself for whom I am

So there is my list that I remember off the top of my head. Things on the list are checking themselves off all the time. It's nice, it's normal!

My weightloss is stalled, it's ok, I'm losing inches. I know I am, I put on pants this a.m. which are now falling off of me (three weeks after last wearing) I weigh the same. So the weights are paying off, the cardio is back in my life and things are good. I'm happy with myself, exercise is a priority not an option anymore. I find myself craving it when I don't get enough or any. Eating is back in line, tracking online again (got away from that big bad no no for me!)

My current goal today is to plan a vacation...hopefully soon and hopefully some fun...

ttfn

Normal

What does it mean to be normal? I have been told "alot" lately that now that you are normal? Whoa hold on, so you are telling me pre-WLS I was not? that's a slap in the face for anyone. I've also noticed that I'm more "attractive" to the men here at work, they will put their arm around me, or stand really, really close when talking in a group setting. Before they would stand back, almost like it was a chore to speak with me. I've only really noticed the differences between now and then lately. It really floors me that people have the balls to call someone normal, like you had the plague or some sort of horrid disease that you have ridded your body of. We spent alot of time last night discussing these particulars in therapy. I'm still churning it over and over in my head but am not coming to any conclusions on how I feel about the whole situation yet.

Now the better news, dh did join me for 1/2 of therapy and actually had his own 1 hour with the other therapist there last night. How cool is that! I was shocked and excited. I was even more shocked that "he" called and made the appt and didn't even tell me, it was my surprise. Seems like he was in a semi-good mood last night, so maybe some headway was made. We did really well and spoke (not yelled) about things that were brought up. I'm so proud that it gives me some hope that progress can be made and things worked out.

No official exercise last night, didn't get to the Y again (it is top priority on my list) when I have some time to devote to it. I did do my weight workout yesterday morning so.....

As for the other doc, well she said it happens, you've had tremendous weight loss, hormones are fluctuating all over your body trying to control what's going on. So I am taking prometrium (BIG YUCK ON THIS ONE) to try and bring it on. I'm bloated to a three month pregnancy state right now, it's horrible. I am also getting an ultrasound to rule out fibroids again!! Oh the fun we women go through to be fertile....although I am well past that stage in my life it's how it goes. We did do the blood pg test, called this a.m. for the negative (which I knew would happen) so we takes pills and wait...then see the technician and get this bloody thing poked up in there and pray she finds nothing!! I have been through this before and it's not fun or exciting...it's actually embarrasing, painful and horrible....

The one kid is officially done school, yeah for him. Bowling starts in two weeks and the other activities shortly thereafter. The other kid has finals today and tomorrow with 1/2 days and he's done. His priority is to get a job this summer! The dog is healed from his detroning of his manhood a few weeks back, he's happy and was rewarded with a trip in the car to the pet store last night for a treat. Life seems to be getting back to some semblence of normal...if that's what normal is!!

New haircuts and my life

I finally got a new haircut last night. Tired of the same old boring haircut that I've been sporting for sometime. I actually went shorter, other than feeling totally weird to me when I brush out my hair I really am digging the new do....see for yourself



So with the new do, comes a small weight gain. I don't know where this is coming from, but first thoughts....omg it's done, I've used up all the WLS has given me. I'm seeing the former fatty in the mirror although I really know this isn't true! It's amazing still to me the tricks our mind plays on us. So I've been stagnant on weight loss for a bit now, I also haven't had a period over a month. Of course this is par for the course, six months on six off....if I only had a job so predictable as my TTOM. So I called the doc this am. to get re-prescribed the meds to make it come along (I've been bloated and crampy and pms'ing for a while now) no wonder all the bitchy posts and arguments ensuing in my abode. Anywho....they will call in the RX and I will await the flash flood that always ensues. I thought for sure when I had the wls and the periods were coming regularly that we fixed that particular issue, but alas no...it's sad, really sad for a very pre-menopausal woman to have to go through this misery.

I got a great walk in last night also, clocked 8 miles...quite an achievement for me so far. I still need to go check out the Y and see about joining, of course I seem to never have the time for this. I want to get on the bandwagon per se for personalized training as I think I'm probably exhausting what I do and it's becoming so redundant. I walk, elliptical, weights and toning exercises. I need more! my body is actually craving the challenge that comes from a rigorous workout.

The boys end school this week, so onto the fun of summer and being teenagers for the both of them. They actually have gotten themselves into plenty of activity so it should be a good one for both.....

ttfn

New week, new start

Ok let's start this week over, right now none of that last week snarkiness, morbidly oppression that hung over my life like a damp rag.

Friday night was great fun, lots of dancing and meeting new people through friends I already have. Most of them could not believe I've had WLS, it's true seriously...pictures of old me flash out, they gasp, then nod their heads yes. It still makes me feel really good to hear that, especially since I'm holding my own for the last three weeks with the scale. I figured this would come as I only have 20-25 more lbs to lose.

Sat was tiring, but so full of great energy. The walk/5K was a huge success, over a 1000 people came out to support a family who's little boy has MD (we are close friends) the mom (J) gave a great speech and you could feel the love and thankfulness for all the generosity that was paid to her family through people (most of whom she did not know), it was a nice walk along the Brandywine River passing out little old zoo and by the rapids and I couldn't think of a better place to be supporting and sucking in a little of the amazing energy to bottle up for myself.

Sunday ended up being a rainy type of day, one which was sorely needed here. I took it as a cue to get some crafting done that i've been saving for such a day. I've decided that I'm going to participate in a few craft sales this fall and I needed to up my inventory levels for such a feat, hence work was created on Sunday. It felt good to not have to worry about anything or have any pressure!! I got alot of great things done and stored for the fall.

Everyone in the family was in harmony this weekend, which made for a pleasant time. I'm glad I participated in it!

TGIF

I have never been so happy for Friday in a long time. Usually work is just puttering along and I really do like what I do (I'm a wine and spirit buyer for a wholesaler here) but lately it seems with the blue moon that everyone is just a little bonkers in their requests....

Tonight is girls night out, I am really looking forward to hanging with my girls and enjoying some down time from life and everything in general right now. Tomorrow we walk the 5k for our friends son Mike....poor little guy is suffering horribly from MD and hoping to raise some $$ for a van for them. Sunday is up in the air right now...

DH was so petulant last night, for lack of a better word. He wants forgiveness yet cannot forgive. It's a dangerous double edge sword is dealing out right now and after the big email blowout with my probably former gf (BFF at that) I just didn't want to handle anything else so petty yesterday.

I've spoken of BFF MB before here in this very blog, I'm not going into gory details, but she was suppose to join us tonight, but she has claimed I'm so different she couldn't possibly hang out with me anymore. OK, so maybe I've changed a bit, but damn I haven't seen you since the time at the library about 2 months ago when you said "YOU AGAIN, I can't get away from you" we talked for like 2 minutes and each went out separate ways, before that was the weekend I "let" her stay with us when she was having bf problems...so if you can state I'm different than fine...

Ok, positive thoughts out there people, please send them all my way as I do not like to be down, nor do I want to be!!

Have a great weekend allll

tootles

Come to Jesus mama

Well we had it out and out last night. I'm drained, emotionally and physically today. It was a big struggle to get my weight workout in this a.m. but I preserved and got it done. I'm beyond what type of help in my mind would make this marriage work. Am I throwing in the towel too soon, who the hell knows at this point. But I do know I'm sick and tired, of walking on eggshells around him, because he doesn't feel like talking about it, I'm not in the mood right now, I need a drink, something else to perk me up...I'M FED UP!!!

I told him, I'm tired of this fighting, it's getting us nowhere but in full circle around his and my problems. We never discuss them, we never make amendments, answers all we do is circle each other like boxers in a ring. Last night I tried to use some of the empowerment I get from therapy. I'm an enabler, it stung like a bee. Hurt my pride my most innermost feelings to hear these things, but it's true, the whole bloody mess is me enabling him to act the way he does. I'm trying my hardest to change this and it's causing great strife in the household, but I will prevail. I'm the type who once I'm flawed I do my damned to fix it, change it, grow and become a better person because of it. Where does that leave us? Who knows still but it's progress with a big P!

Work is crazy busy, problems are arising left and right. Of course no fire is too easy or quick to put out. My asst has been driving me crazy. If you don't spell out with fine print everything he needs to do, you might as well do it yourself KWIM!! I'm stressed at home and work and it's taking it's toll on ME!! I want so much to be healthy and I am needing to find ME time to make this happen. I want to be proactive not destructive with this tool that I have received to lose weight. I want to be healthy, happy and deserving of all these things.

On a lighter note, the boys are wrapping up another year at school. My baby will be a senior next year and it brings a tear to my eye remembering when I had him. It all happens so fast and it's so surreal to think about it, it's been up and down, bumpy and smooth along the road but he turned out great, and I do it all for them!!

So now I'm going to write in my journal, my plan. I'm a planner, very strictive to the point of insanity sometimes. I will write out my plan, how I will achieve it and move from there. Who or what stays and goes at this point is up in the air, but I feel change is about to happen. It's not always good, but sometimes necessary for your life to run it's intended course.

6 month post pictures

I have been very lax the last few months to take pictures on my surgiversary...shame on me as I wanted to lay down in film the actual progress, but anywho here they are. I've enclosed my pre-surgery pic also, since alot of the new readers never "saw" me before.





Obviously you can tell which is which...or at least I hope you can. So 80lbs and alot of personal growth later I am starting to feel like I am getting my life back on track. Now I'm sure there is plenty of room for more growth both emotionally and physically, but that is my journey and why I am here. My labs came back great, a little high on the B12 but other than that everything else was perfect....I go back in three months, then after that three months and I'll be a year out. I'm still amazed how quickly this six months has gone by. It seems like yesterday I was crawling into bed after being released from the hospital and sleeping the afternoon away!!

Tonight is session 2 with the therapist, no dh support in that arena at all, in fact he won't even talk about it. There is so much to discuss we ran out of time last week. I was hoping after this great weekend things would change, but I think maybe not. Who knows. I'm going end of story. It may or may not become his loss at some point and that's what I told him this a.m. walking out the door.

I'm glad it's Wednesday also, this week cannot end soon enough for me at this point. I have alot of yard work to get done this weekend and am planning on it!! We are also doing a 5k this Sat morning to benefit one of my friends sons, who suffers from MD and is now at 11years old wheelchair bound. It's a debilitating disease that I rarely hear of. The benefit is help curb the cost of a new van for them to have converted to accomodate his wheelchair. Right now my friend actually lifts him in and out of her Expedition to and from school, doc's and whereever she needs to go. It's quite a strain on her physically and emotionally. I hope they are able to make enough to at least get the van....

Friday night is ladies night out, I love ladies night out!! We are going to celebrate a birthday with one of best girls, Cher!! Happy Birthday to you chickie!! It should be a fun night. Of course dh is pissed because it doesn't include him. Um, hello, when you are out with your drinking buddies I don't piss and moan and try to crash the party. It's not like we won't see each other at all either!! What a guy, seems anymore he's never happy.

Ok enough scoffing from me...

enjoy

We survived....

this glorious Memorial Day weekend. Mix in the dh who is being stubborn, the mother I do not always get along with, one dog, two boys and a smalled, cramped quarters and it spells recipe for disaster. No one got hurt, yelled out and it actually turned out to be a really great weekend. The weather was perfect for sun and fun. The nights were mild and sweet. There were no big blowouts and everyone got along great! It's almost something that will go down in the record books as far as my family goes.

I did not get burned, just a little color to make me look nice. No misery this morning trying to put on clothes that wouldn't fit...because they all still do. Packed lots of protein and water so eating was 100% in my control. Did have a few drinks in there, but all in all it was a-ok.

Now back to work, with millions of others who begrudingly got out of bed this a.m. wishing it were only Sat and still two days left before work.

Tonight we are going down to the YMCA and looking into enrolling. It will be nice for DH, me and Nick who will be able to use their facilities for weight training and David for the extra activities as well as the outdoor pool!! Yes, I said it, outdoor pool, bathing suits, and well no movie stars. I bought a new one this weekend, cut little number I picked up at Kohls right before we left.

So off for the day, another adventure here at work I'm sure.

Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day weekend.

My official 6 month checkin

Went to see Dr I this a.m. and am doing fabulously, I'm down 79.4 lbs....why oh why couldn't it be 80 (we are never satisfied are we???LOL). The labs came back fabulous and I'm off prevacid, one bp pill and kicking back my b12 to every other day as it's coming in high. Other than that he says I'm fabulous, doing so well!! (Can you feel the grin coming out of the screen) I'm a happy girl here!! He did state at one point what a flat stomach, I cringed, then laughed and he asked what was funny? I stated that my rolls of flesh and fat that are lying in wait for PS's someday are anything but flat. I also stated it reminded me of cottage cheese than the hard, tight abs I hope to some day get closer to. He chuckled at me and said that my muscles underneath are tightening wonderfully and the plastics will do wonders when the time comes for them. So I will continue along with my journey....

As he was getting ready to leave, he left with something to ponder.....He stated that I should be starting to think about my future with relation to eating and exercise. He told me that this is the critical turning point in my surgery for success or not. So I have to make a plan and stick with it...sounds easy right? NOT!! I will give it alot of thought. The two others here venturing into personal trainers is a great idea, but not sure if I can afford it. I know I will resolutely always find something athletic to entertain myself, while keeping in shape. It's just how it has to be!!

Changing lanes, tomorrow I've taken a 1/2 day. I know, I know should have taken the whole damn day off, but I still have to get up with the kiddies, so might as well make an appearance here and saunter off towards the beach. As for the swimming suit, did not get a chance to find one. I did get down to my favorite Dress Barn the other night, only to find clearance and the store is closing in two weeks. I was talking with the salesgirl (who had lap around the same time I did) one thing led to another and I walked out with six shirts for $25 and no bathing suit as there was no time left to hit the other store.

So I'm off, to do god knows what and I'll see you all before I check out tomorrow

me

Anything can be overcome......

I borrowed this from a great friend who, herself is going through a terrible time. I loved that it is the essense of each of us in this little blurb. I do not know the originator, but kudos to you!!

me

Anything Can Be Overcome

The journey that each human being makes through earthly existence can have hardship as often as it is touched by joy. When we encounter adversity, the stress we feel can erode our optimism, eventually convincing us that the issues we face cannot be overcome. In truth, there is no situation so dire, no challenge so great, and no choice so bewildering that it cannot be overcome. Though we may believe that all avenues have been closed to us or that our most conscientious efforts will come to naught, we are never without feasible options. The best course of action may be veiled in doubt, but it is there. When we are honest with ourselves with regard to this simple fact, we can overcome anything because we will never stop looking for a solution to the challenges before us. Self-trust coupled with a sturdy plan is the ultimate antidote to adversity's tendency to inspire disillusionment in the human mind. As difficult as the obstacle plaguing you seems, it is no match for the love of a supportive universe that has been a part of your life since the day of your birth and will be with you forevermore. Try not to be misguided by your fear as this gives rise to the notion that there are problems without solutions. If you believe in your capabilities and dedicate yourself to the creation of some form of resolution, you will be surprised to discover that paths that were once closed to you miraculously open. Even if all you can do is change your perspective to turn an impediment into an opportunity to grow, you will have found the hope that is an inherent element of all hardship. Remember that your destiny is a product of your own creation. Even when it seems you have nowhere left to turn, there is a solution waiting for you. The only insurmountable obstacles are the ones you create in your own mind—and these can only exert power over you if you let them. Uncertainty will always be a part of your existence, but perseverance and mindfulness will never fail to see you through to the other side of hardship where joy can thrive. Try and remember that no matter what life places at your feet, there is absolutely no situation that cannot be resolved with time, love, and friendship.

Tonight

Is my first night of therapy again, I am going solo. It's a scary time as it reminds me that things are changing in my less than normal ho hum life. I wanted dh to join me but it's not right for him. Will it ever be? Who knows, by then will I have moved forward and maybe onward in my journey and left him 50miles behind, who knows. What I do know is it is a challenge and a privledge to be married. It's not all roses and fun, that's for sure.

On a lighter note, I've decided to take a 1/2 day of vacation on Friday and treat the boys (and dh if he wants to go) to the beach for the weekend. The weather should be perfect and gives me the best excuse to buy a bathing suit!! OH MY!! I feel like a child at christmas with the prospect of trying on a suit and hopefully liking what I see, it's my first suit in at least a dozen years, maybe more?? I can't believe I actually don't mind going out in public with my ultra white skin and a piece of clothing that leaves little to be desired. Of course anyone post WLS, pre-plastics knows what I mean. I have the swaying bat wings, the skin on the thighs that reminds me of jello jigglers, but to put on the suit and not have just fat hanging everywhere is a godsend to someone like me. Of course now that I've written all of this the whole process of buying the suit could be treasure hunt of grand proportions.

So wish me luck with purchase and course I'm looking forward to seeing the shrink.

Who needs another day off

We spent half of the weekend in a chilly, cloud covered fog...it wasn't pretty neither outside nor in. We spent yesterday in glorious sunshine for about 3 hours and poof it was gone. I think it's a horrible joke to wake up this morning to beautiful sunshine that will remain out there for hours, probably the whole day while I'm in here at work! hmmm I would love another day off sans the busy week in store anyhow.

I celebrated my six month surgiversary yesterday, bloated and did not want to get on the scale, so I waited until this a.m. 170 on the dot, no .-- lbs of nothing. So for the record books, well my record books, I'm 78.5 lb down since surgery. NO easy feat when I sat and thought back to that gray chilly day last November going in thinking and wondering where I would be in six months from now. Of course I also pondered this question again, where will I be in six months? How will I look, feel and what will be going on in my life? I have added many new dynamics to this question, where will I be? Who will I be? This is going way beyond the how do I look and feel question that is posed to me everytime I see someone I haven't seen in a bit? Some think I have cancer, since I'm dropping weight so rapidly!!! They are very shy and timid around me to think that things are going so badly in my life right then when they actually are not! I did my little happy dance yesterday, put on my size 10 pants and went to visit my mother. Not my favorite thing but one that needed to be done. She said nothing, nothing at all. How blindsided was I at this, I haven't seen her since mid February and clearly changes have happened to this body, I'm no longer a 12/14 that I was wearing back then, I'm a 10 almost a 8! Her bf was more accomodating stating that I'm really losing that weight! I am very in the moment of what size I am. It's a compliment to myself everytime I put on a piece of clothing and the size is just there, I can't comprehend what it says but the number is staring at me telling me it fits and looks nice. Of course I realize at some point I do not put so much weight (no pun intended) into the number and again I will shift, change into the new person I am becoming. I made her a card and coasters for mother's day, not the best present but one I made, I'm still in a way making it up to her for whatever in god's name I did to her all those years ago. I will never be her favorite child, I'm her first born and lowest on her list to call if something goes wrong. I live the closest and yet am the furthest person from her mind. We speak maybe every few months, unlike my sister in SC who speaks with her every other day. Yes I have a very dysfunctional family.

So I rejoiced in my loss, pondered my future and embraced my day and enjoyed it as much as could be possible. I'm living, healthy, moderately overweight and somewhat happy in life.

Times are changing

Today I was up and out the door to get my blood drawn for my six month checkup next week. Hopefully everything comes back in good shape. Also, took ds2 to see Spiderman 3. I figured the hype was past and everyone wants to see Shrek so we were in the clear. I liked the movie, more than I thought I would. DH and I are here, not doing things together but surviving around one another right now. It's amazing to me how selfish both of us are being at this time, but it's making the weekend more tolerable right now. We are both stubborn beyond belief. Unfortunately this is not our first test in our marriage, but at this point it may be the last. We are moving in different directions with different goals in our lives...as he so kindly put it this morning to me. He loves me but doesn't know me anymore. Have I changed that much? Outwardly I would say yes, inwardly I would say no, but maybe I am changing. I called my psyche doctor up and he's seeing me next week, we will chat and see what's going on. Couples therapy isn't going to happen, since he won't go :( I'm very saddened by this but it is what it is.

It's cold and rainy now, so I'm off to rest and relax and then start over with something new tomorrow. Hopefully some good walking weather, I need a good long walk...

Relationships and WLS

This is something that I have been struggling with for the past few months and it seems that it's hitting closer to home than ever, especially in the last month of so. I was in complete denial about the whole situation, figuring it would blow over, just end whatever but alas no...it's not. It's a terrible place to be, especially when food is no longer your comfort in life. DH and I have had a fairly good relationship, little background married 7 1/2 years together for 15 almost 16 now. Throughout the whole relationship up until now I've been morbidly obese. Is the WLS the reason for the strain in the relationship? Probably. I have told him a million times when he comments you will get thin and find someone new, that I have never said that, it's all in his mind. But c'mon how many times can a girl hear this? It gets old, he's refusing to think that we can mold this newness into our already accustomed lifestyle. I suggest therapy, that's for wimps. Well I think this wimp is going to be signing up soon for it! Seriously folks, why do so many relationships suffer? I never in a million years thought it would be mine! The plain old comment that flew out of his mouth last night just perplexed me enough to want to throw in the towel and move on. I'm tired, of the jealously of losing weight, the attention other people are starting to give me...the insecurity of the dh, his demons that he's fighting with it along the way. I'm just an unhappy camper about the whole situation. It is what it is....KWIM??? When I was pre-op I told him a million times about this whole issue, reassuring him that I was not going to change my mind about him....but I almost think he is changing his mind about me. He liked the plump, pudgy, double, sometimes triple chin chick I was...he doesn't like this new bonier, healthier person I've become. He says I'm always bitter and edgy with him, I don't see it?? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not....

I'm rambling but I'm sad, and I have nothing to eat...oh that's right I can't eat!!! I will get sick. It's going to be a long weekend, I'm tired and stressed already and we've only just begun!

My aching jaw

I went to the dentist with the boys yesterday for our semi annual checkup and to see about this cap and all the pain I've been having with food getting stuck in there. Well let me tell you, it's amazing what the skin (even in your mouth) can do to you. I had formed a pocket of skin around the gum and tooth which was enabling food to get "stuck" in there. So they promptly brought in this machine and put goggles on me and lasered the extra skin off. No novacaine only a touch of numbing gel. Well let me tell you I was fine in the office and about an hour after I got home I was in pain...owie!! Hence liquid diet for the rest of the night..lol It was a pleasant surprise to see 170 on the scale this a.m. (I need to throw the damn thing out) but anyhow Sunday is my 6 month mark (which in itself is hard to believe) and I'm down 76.5 lb. Of course I was hoping for 80 but it doesn't appear to be a reality, but still what an accomplishment. I was remembering last night right after surgery I was thinking I wonder what I will look like in six months, I wonder how I will feel. Well that reality is here and I'm feeling great and looking pretty damn good too if I say so myself. I took the morning off from working out today, but hopefully will get in a good long walk tonight.

I hope everyone has a great weekend

We've been tagged......

1. What is the stupidest mistake you have ever made with money? Buying into my sister's business which she threw down the toilet in less than 2 years.

2. Do you think taxes are unfair or do you think it’s your civic duty?
I hate taxes, understand the premise for them, but absolutely abhor looking at the paycheck and seeing how much uncle sam takes....then knowing that after March something or another you are finally making some $$

3. Do you take risks and possibly turn your life upside down for new opportunity?

Yes we have, and are comtemplating a big move to SC with the other family who have already taken the plunge....a new start fresh and sweet!

4. Are you the alpha in your household? (Include pets)What Do You Think?

I have to agree with MM on this one, I let him think he is but the reality is NOPE, it's me!! I'm the queen

5. Do you compromise with your significant other or does someone always get their way?

For the most part we comprimise or see eye to eye...thank goodness huh

6. What curse word do you use most often?

Shit, damn, you name it and it spews out of my mouth during the day!

7. Do you easily change your mind or are you dead set on most issues?

It depends on what it is and how I feel about it at that time. But watch out if my mind is made up!! I'm not a Taurus for nothing

8. What famous person would you like to trade places with for one week?

I can't think of one!

9. If you could go back in time and tell one person off, who would it be and what would you say?

I'd have to say the VP at a company I worked with for 10 years to get my butt up the ladder only to have someone else hired in to manage when our boss got sick, the kicker, she wanted me to train her!!!! WTF

10. Were you a good student or did you do just enough to get by?

I was a good student, it helped that it came naturally to me because I tended to be lazy at times too

11. If you could give one piece of advice to someone just starting out on their own, what would you tell them?

Save, save, save....don't splurge establish some roots

12. Are people basically good and honest or are most people opportunistic and predatory?

I was of the nature of people being good and honest, but the longer I live the less I actually think this is true. It's a sad state of affairs our world these days.

13. Is there somebody you wish you could go back and apologize to?

Nope, not at all, if I had an apology it would have happened right away...no looking back and no regrets for things having been done

Back on track

I did tons of water yesterday and all good proteins and veggies. It was a good day, good enough that I feel like a million bucks!! Wishing I had the million but feeling it is just as satisfying these days! I have had migraine like headaches though for the past three days, it is becoming unnerving and I have a call into the dr to see what they think, or maybe I'll just be heading in. Tonight I need to grocery shop, it is of the utmost importance that this happen as we are out of everything. I brought the last cheese stick and piece of chicken in for lunch today. I have to get out and buy some more vitamins too. Just jotting down all these things to do. Unfortunately I'm a list maker so the list is now growing. I also got in a good strength training workout last night and a good cardio this a.m. I feel like life is back on track from the blur that was this past weekend.

So basically I'm finding that back to basics after a few days of random eating are exactly what the doctor ordered. But better yet if you can avoid these random days and plan ahead yeah for you!

Mindless eating

Ok I did alot of it this weekend, I think it was because I was so busy and not structured as I have been in the last six months, I will say though I still felt ok until the few extra chips last night and I took a drink too soon, the pain was unbearable....noted to self, "Self, do not eat mindlessly at night and then drink" what a pia I was to myself.

Overall the weekend was a blur, so much going on and no sleep. The mix was horrible but the experience was wonderful!!

Not much else to write, I'm still trying to wake up here, what a great day for a Starbucks cappacino....not happening though!

Yeah it's Thursday! I should leave it at that. My asst conveniently did not show up for work today after being off for the past three, something about jetlag and airport delays that I did not want to listen to the whining so I abruptly deleted the message and moved about my day. In the past two weeks I've been riding solo for 7 1/2 days out of 10!! Not a bad statistic for the wealthy, but us working folk need to work to get paid. I can imagine the horror when he opens his next bi-monthly check and faints for all the time missed. Nope, he has no vacation nor personal days as he's not even three months here yet!! Pre-11/20 I would have binged and scoffed up anything that came with the stress of working solo during the busiest time of my month, but this time I lost!! yes, I peeked again, 169 here I come!! I'm going to get you....

So tomorrow is the birthday, 43, not a remarkable number either but one worth celebrating with good friends and our band friends TT. I can't wait, and would love to bounce out of here early tomorrow and get a new shirt to wear. My sorry little closet has been wiped clean of all x size clothing and now there are 8 little shirts hanging in it's vast expanse that calls me to shop at all times although I've been resisting. It's amazing the mounds of clothing that has gone to goodwill, people I know and in the trash. No wonder my checkbook was always broke!

I go for my six month checkup in two weeks, I have to note to get to the lab and get that blood drawn beforehand. I expect them to all come back normal, so it would be a suprise if not.

Today I am nursing a sore gum under a cap that is lifting. At least I think it's lifting, all I know is the back of the tooth is not seated firmly against my gum, hence particles get stuck and well it's sore dammit!! I have to wait a week to see the dentist, unless I swell up was the words out of the ladies mouth. I asked swell up? Like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka or I got socked in the mouth?? Exactly what does that entail...of course I'm being cheap and don't want to pay the premium of a emergency call. So I'm on a lot of liquids today and that should help my cause to hit those 160's......

ciao
Me

Almost six months out

and noticing that my digestive system is changing, transforming, evolving (for lack of better words) once again. In the first five months I never had any problems with any of the foods as long as they were on the ok list. I have eaten small amounts, 2-3 oz per meal, as I cannot tolerate much more than that so far. Of course I have days when I feel like I have a wooden leg and can consume more throughout the day, but never in one sitting. I have always attributed this to changing exercise patterns, more exercise, TTOM, etc. So now as I am evolving once again, I notice that dairy (yogurt, cottage cheese, string cheese, ok you get it) is making me one stinky girl. I have progressed from little gas to a big gas hound!! Compound that with dairythat I love to eat and it leads to one person I would not desire to be around for the rest of the day, sorry to my co-workers. Where do I go from here? Well that is the burning question of mine that I will take up with the NUT and will go from there. It's strange how I've noticed as I've aged that every 5-7 years my body would morph itself. I know how can a basically fat person notice when the fat shifts...easy! I would notice the midriff section thickening, the legs getting heavier at the top the arms growing batwings like I was about to take off and fly! The face, the double chin then the triple chin. But now I am left with all this excess skin from the weight I've lost so far, unfortunately the batwings are still there (as expected) the midriff is still thicker than I would hoped it would have turned out. And the thighs well let's say jello jigglers have nothing on me. Where did this all come from? I have no idea as when I was a basic fat person I didn't care, point blank what was fat where it jiggled, etc. But I think with my evolving body my mind is also evolving into the mindset that I was to look pleasant to others along with myself! This is a brand new evolution to me, because I can remember at the beginning of this journey I was like as long as I'm fit and thinner I didn't care what the body looked like. So even though I strongly thought I would never seek out plastics, they could be a very real possibility for my future! GASP!!

It's really crazy this whole body dismorphia vs mind dismorphia thing going on with me right now. I'm almost as obsessed with it as I was with the scale until I broke the darn thing and threw it away without a replacement. Talk about a way to get rid of the scale for those of us who were obsessed with it. I felt almost like I needed to start a support group like AA for obsessive scale users. Hello, my name is Michelle and I'm obsessed with stepping on the scale and weighing myself. Quite a silly notion but those who've had WLS understand this point completely.

I spoke of my gf who is into totally bashing me and basically not wanting to hang out with me anymore, yes it hurts, what human wouldn't have those feelings from a friend who in 20+ years of friendship feels like it's all going down the potty because one of us decided to have WLS...but it happens. End of story, right now the ball in her court. I've made her a friendship card this weekend and sent it, if she sees fit she will respond, if not, well then life goes on. RIGHT!! A little background on her, she is heavy, not nearly as fat as I once was and yes, maybe yes she's feeling like I'm not the heavy one in our friendship anymore, but I thought with all the talk and stuff she was ok with it!! Obviously NOT but such is life. We move into one era and out of another at all given points in time.

My IPOD is broken, I'm torn in a friendship and my 43rd birthday is this week! I think I'm having a bit of middle age syndrome bordering mid-life crisis and feeling sorry for myself. I'll snap out of it and we'll all be grooving again shortly!

Fridays and craziness

Ok so today is the end of a crazy week at work, I'm tired and thrilled to death that we are here finally! All the bosses have been out of town all week, I'm busier than normal this week ordering and everyone and their problems crawled out of the wordwork! Needless to say it came to a boiling head this morning with my supposed bff. So I told her I was staying in this weekend but today got an email from a friend that Omnisoul is playing at a local club, what a great band to go see....well I ask her if she wants to go and she says she's broke, too tired, yada yada yada...crap! The other group is going to MD to see another band and I know I can't sway them...double crap!! So then she writes back to me, your other friends can go with you! I ask her WTF does this mean!! I know they say people change but since my surgery I haven't spent any time with her. I keep asking and asking and she keeps pushing me away. I've asked her to go shopping, cup of coffee, hang out at the house...nothing works!! I'm starting to feel that this surgery has impaired our freindship for life, why?? I have no flippin idea but it aggravates the heck out of me to think just because I've lost some weight she doesn't want to hang with me anymore??!!! I've heard it happens but never ever in a million years thought it would happen to me! So I'm disgusted and quite frankly I'm going tonight, with even another friend and I'll chalk it up to her loss and my gain.

Have a wonderful weekend

me

Out of sorts

This whole week I've been feeling very out of sorts. It's really hard to describe other than I am full of energy when I wake up, do my workout, go to work, and by mid afternoon I'm dragging, then after dinner and my walk I'm ready for bed. Now this is like at 9pm. I never used to go to bed prior to 11-11:30. I hate it, I wake up in the middle of the night because I'm rested and I get up or sometime resist to see if it helps. I'm a train wreck for no better way to put it. I haven't really changed my workouts, exercise patterns or activities during the day, so I'm puzzled. Other than that things are great. I have no plans for this weekend, which I believe is a blessing in disguise. I've been so busy the past few and the next few that this down time will be nice! I might get some stamping done for Mother's Day cards I want to make!

I'm making some strides in my weight loss that has/had plateau'd. Ok, yes I cheated and peeked at the scale early! Back to the basics, it is really helping. The hair loss that I had been experiencing seems to be slowing down some, and the new growth is really coming in strong, but curly! From having straight, baby fine hair for years this is really a new thing to me. It doesn't want to lay right, etc. A struggle to style in the work a.m. for sure!!

DS1 had his senior portraits done yesterday, it was a very grown up day for him I believe. The best part that came out of conversation about it last night, was he said Mom when I play the senior game in football this fall and you walk out there with me, the people won't believe your my mom because you've lost weight and look great! Tears were in my eyes and I felt like a million bucks. You don't hear compliments from teenage boys like that much at all. Little did he know that when I saw those mothers out there last year, all I could think of is when I have this surgery I won't embarrass my son when I walk out there next year!!

The weekend is coming, spring is here and I'm so glad.

me