Monday, May 21, 2007

Who needs another day off

We spent half of the weekend in a chilly, cloud covered wasn't pretty neither outside nor in. We spent yesterday in glorious sunshine for about 3 hours and poof it was gone. I think it's a horrible joke to wake up this morning to beautiful sunshine that will remain out there for hours, probably the whole day while I'm in here at work! hmmm I would love another day off sans the busy week in store anyhow.

I celebrated my six month surgiversary yesterday, bloated and did not want to get on the scale, so I waited until this a.m. 170 on the dot, no .-- lbs of nothing. So for the record books, well my record books, I'm 78.5 lb down since surgery. NO easy feat when I sat and thought back to that gray chilly day last November going in thinking and wondering where I would be in six months from now. Of course I also pondered this question again, where will I be in six months? How will I look, feel and what will be going on in my life? I have added many new dynamics to this question, where will I be? Who will I be? This is going way beyond the how do I look and feel question that is posed to me everytime I see someone I haven't seen in a bit? Some think I have cancer, since I'm dropping weight so rapidly!!! They are very shy and timid around me to think that things are going so badly in my life right then when they actually are not! I did my little happy dance yesterday, put on my size 10 pants and went to visit my mother. Not my favorite thing but one that needed to be done. She said nothing, nothing at all. How blindsided was I at this, I haven't seen her since mid February and clearly changes have happened to this body, I'm no longer a 12/14 that I was wearing back then, I'm a 10 almost a 8! Her bf was more accomodating stating that I'm really losing that weight! I am very in the moment of what size I am. It's a compliment to myself everytime I put on a piece of clothing and the size is just there, I can't comprehend what it says but the number is staring at me telling me it fits and looks nice. Of course I realize at some point I do not put so much weight (no pun intended) into the number and again I will shift, change into the new person I am becoming. I made her a card and coasters for mother's day, not the best present but one I made, I'm still in a way making it up to her for whatever in god's name I did to her all those years ago. I will never be her favorite child, I'm her first born and lowest on her list to call if something goes wrong. I live the closest and yet am the furthest person from her mind. We speak maybe every few months, unlike my sister in SC who speaks with her every other day. Yes I have a very dysfunctional family.

So I rejoiced in my loss, pondered my future and embraced my day and enjoyed it as much as could be possible. I'm living, healthy, moderately overweight and somewhat happy in life.

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