Thursday, July 24, 2008

Another hard session

Tonight was another hard session at therapy, I'm wiped emotionally. I took a long, long walk afterwards at the river because I just needed to clear my head, it always helps to be at the water.

My one gf texted me to go out tomorrow, I think i may, I need a little distraction from this week, it's been long and hard. K called, wanted me to take off tomorrow, but I can't I have work I have to get done. First Friday in a long, long I miss him, but I still don't think he misses me the same....and tomorrow is boys are both home and I'm glad they are, but man my house is a disaster also!!!

Till later......

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

so therapy begins again

I'm back in therapy full time for now, we are delving into areas that real terrify me and are probably the root of all evil and my problems. I'm not ready to write about them yet, but they are mindblowing and scary all at the same time....I don't know if I'm ready for this, but it needs to happen...really.

Here i thought maybe I was going to see her quickly and now we are going down a whole new road of life. Eating stinks today, way way way too many carbs....god I hate how that happens and now I feel bloated and yucky!!!

Tommorrow is a new day!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A new day

I woke up groggy today...but it's a new day and I'm ready to conquer the world...ok as soon as I get some coffee!

I have had a bad few days, resolving some issues with the therapist and I'm sure this is all triggered by the fact that now I have found out that the official divorce papers have been served. It had to come at some point or another, I don't know why stbxh didn't realize this....

Today is a new day, I'm feeling pretty good....

Monday, July 21, 2008

My therapist

Is the rock of my life, I called her out of the blue today after my horrible weekend, she was like come right in after work. So 1 hour later I walk out with a new perspective. Sometimes I think I just need the right person at the right time in my life to talk to. She's the best....worth every penny I pay her too! So I feel refreshed and ready to tackle the week. It's hot and humid and hopefully an end in sight. I'm taking tonight off from exercise to spend with my son who just got home yesterday from his two week stay at my sisters......

Quality time with the boy, tomorrow quality time with both my boys as they both want to see Batman again!!! I'll get to see the parts I was dozing off in last Thursday at midnight :)

Thank you for comments, as you see I thought of that too and called the doc!

Weekend was hard

It was the hardest one I've dealt with in a while...I felt lonely, sad and generally left out of life. I retreated to bed for the day on Saturday and yesterday was no better, although I did get up and do lots of things, cut grass, exercised, took the dog to the river and walked the riverwalk..I tried to find happiness in the little things but it was hard. The self pity and depression are setting in again, I'mwriting but finding no relief in it so far. I think it's time to call the doctor again, even as I write this right now I'm tearing up....I hate when I feel like this!! I thought I had conquered it!!!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Weekend is almost over

and what have I done? Stayed in bed all day yesterday, got a call last night to hang out (which I did) and today I'm up early. It's hotter than blazes here and I would love to go to the river and just hang today. So after I drop off my son, I think I'm packing up a few items, chair, book, suntan lotion and water (lots of it) and heading out, just me!

I had a nice night last night, but I'm still dealing with this emotional baggage, sometimes it kicks me in the butt pretty hard. Today is for me!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Emotional baggage sucks

I have been in an relationship with my husband for 17 years before it ended. He was a emotional abuser, he took great pleasure in bringing me down and laying me out all the time. I did alot of counseling to get myself out of that rut, but sometimes when certain things happen in my life I retreat back to the dark place I used to live in. Today is no exception, I went to bed last night and didn't even get out of the bed until 5pm today. I was depressed and felt like everything was spiraling out of control. So I did what I know how to do, shut down. I hate that I still allow myself this to happen but it does. I've been struggling for a few days now but I guess yesterday with something that didn't happen and did happen it just put it all out there and sent me over the edge. So tonight I'm up, I've showered and took the dog on a long, long walk and watched the sunset over the river, it was very therapeutic and tomorrow I want to have a better day!

Friday, July 18, 2008


Is here, I'm off today. Last night me and my oldest went to see Batman, it was great. Today I'm sleepy.

I'm struggling with some emotional baggage the last few days and it always seems like I get my life where I want it then someone comes and spills the apple cart. It will work out and I have a few days to do so by myself.

have a great weekend!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Hump day

Last night was a bust, no formal exercise, but I did walk. It's ok, tonight I'll exercise and I'm getting my hair done. It needs it so bad. Work has been crazy and I'm glad I took off Friday.

My oldest and I are going to see Batman tomorrow night also, he got free passes from work to see the opening show, so I was hoping to be relaxing before the show, but no my date from Sat night rescheduled for tomorrow night. It will be nice though.

Eating has been a bit unplanned lately, hence the low side of the weight scale. But I will say this, the guys I have met and I have told up front about my surgery have been very supportive of this. When you go out to eat with someone and eat like 5 bites (ok maybe I'm exaggerating a bit) but you all know what I mean, and they are like is your food bad....well anyway they have been very good about it. I find this to be very refreshing and made it a point to talk with them about it up front, because it is a HUGE part of what and who I am right now and for the rest of my life and if they weren't going to accept it, well then I would be moving on.

The dog days of summer of hitting's going to be horrible for over the next week...blah

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

He's interested

He's called about 5-6 times in the last few days and texted me too. I always knew he was a sweet man but we'll see how long this lasts. Aren't I horrible. A deveatist against men, always looking for something bad in them. I do enjoy talking with him and learning more about him. He intriques me which says something because he's not just another guy (and hasn't been for me since I first met him). Anyhow, I'm head over heels right now but my guard is still partially up. My gf's think I'm nuts and I'm high on life, just hoping it doesn't come crashing down on me.

I exercised last night, the whole workout, or I probably already mentioned that, I'm getting ready to tonight, I'm down to the low end of my weight right now, my baby is coming home this weekend (2 weeks gone) and my oldest is on his way home now. It will be nice to have my boys with me again and back to normal. It was great having some "me" time but I am ready for them to come home.

Oh and my date from last Sat he wants to go out this Thursday, I do like him too, so I have to decide on a restaurant and quick before he calls me

I can truly say for the first time in my life I am enjoying myself and know what it means to have a life.....

Monday, July 14, 2008

Someone I'm trying to forget

So I met the bartender guy a bit back, we hit it off and then he totally bailed on me a few weeks back. I had all but forgotten him....until Sat. He told me when he left that he was going to change, to call, and he did today. Not once but twice, we even made plans. But I'm not going to hold my breath. Last time I made plans he totally bailed on me, but I'm all for giving someone another chance, I think that since he didn't do something totally horrible why not. I think in general people are good, they have good intentions and sometimes don't know how to make them work. So we are going to do this again, what am I feeling? Well I've been mulling it all day, I'm confused, I'm scared I will get my feelings hurt again and I'm excited. Good god I keep thinking what am I doing? I do like him, and I know he likes me but does he know how to have any type of relationship? I guess at this point time will tell....

On a bright note, I exercised again, the full workout and I feel damn good...why can't I just get the routine going again?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Well two was all there was....

because he got called into work. He was on call this weekend and I knew this going in so it is what it was.

My gf came down and spent the night instead. She is in a very bad marriage and to be honest it probably did her a world of good. We went out for a bit last night and I ran into my bartender friend. I have done good to avoid him since he finds little or usually no time for me. Of course being the big sucker that I am around him I caved and talked to him, but he knew I was mad at him and made that very clear. Of course I did talk to him more and now I'm confused again. My problem is I really like him, but he has NO time for me. Sometimes I hate myself for picking all the wrong guys. Maybe someday I'll learn from my mistakes. Until then, I keep making them.

Today was fun, the bbq was a good time had by all, it's hot and humid and now the tstorms are rolling in. My oldest son left for his dads for two days again, so I'm alone! I enjoy this, but with all the tumultuous feelings I'm having I wish he were at home.

I'm going to watch a movie and chill.....till later

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Two down one to go.....

and this is the one I'm looking forward to the most!! The old saying, Saving the best for last!

Lunch date yesterday was nice, I do like him, but....

Dinner date last night was nice, dinner was delicious and I'm sure we'll be great friends. Just didn't have that something there for me that I'm looking for.

Tonights date is about 1 1/2 hour away, I'm trying to figure out what to wear, how to fix my hair....I want to look nice but casual. I'm really excited about this one, can you tell??

I got up early, cleaned the whole house, vacuumed, bathroom, floors, wash...good god what got into me is beyond me, but I have a great clean house and it's wonderful!! Also, made the day fly

I even cut the front lawn...I must be ill :)

So tonight we are going to the riverfront, dinner and then whatever. I can't wait....he called today just to say hi and I'm thinking of you!! WOW for me.

Tomorrow is a bbq, then I have to figure out when I'm driving south. I need to do this soon too!

Sunny Saturday and I'm smiling bright!

Friday, July 11, 2008


I love the weekends and this one will be different. I have alot of plans for someone who really didn't want any structure to this weekend. Tonight I am having dinner with a guy I met recently, he's cooking. It should actually be a nice relaxing weekend as he stopped by last night and took me for Rita's waterice and some conversation. Tomorrow day I'm free to clean and wash, then I have another date, with a different guy whom I met recently. We are going to dinner on the waterfront and a movie. Sunday is a bbq for my friends fiance andthat should be a blast also. The weather is supposed to be excellent and well to be honest I'm very excited about the whole weekend!

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Now that life is settling down again for me and I find myself single again, I've noticed changes. However, subtle they may have been up front, they are there and starting to make their presence known to me.

I have done alot of soul searching and well I guess my priorities and wants and needs in life are shifting also. I'm not just looking for any old guy, for someone who will show me affection and like me for who I am and what I look like. That sounds alot like the old girl, the big, heavy girl whom guys would consistently pass over for the thinner, more glamourous model. Well I'm that girl now, I'm no model, never will be, but I am a healthy, happy, mid-40's single mom. I have alot of life and love to life it. I enjoy the better things in life and well one of the things I am doing is writing a little synopsis of me and what I want and need for my life. Needs are small, but my wants are big, I'm living outside my comfort zone on this one and it's ok. It's working for me. I'm more picky, I'm more demanding and well to be honest I'm less likely to just end of with "someone" this time.

Life is full of twists and turns and well, I'm taking the low road on this one and I want to see where the journey takes me.

Monday, July 07, 2008

A few pics

from the wedding and the rehersal dinner.


This is me and my sister (the bride)


and me


me and my sisters

The wedding was great fun!


The wedding was a blast. I have a ton of pics on my camera I need to upload and then I'll post some. My sister's were beautiful and the whole day was magical. The rain held off and even the sun peeked out when we left the church on the way to the reception. All in all it was a good weekend. The cold (yes again) is getting the best of me and I was down for the count Sat night. Up early and the ds1 was called into work, so I stopped by my moms and before long everyone was over visiting again. It's very rare that all the kids can be together anymore because we all live all over the world. So my mom was happy we were all home and at home.

Today, I'm tired, tonight I'll put up some pics.....

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Wedding day

Today is the big day, I did get a cute dress and new shoes (that rock btw) and I'm ready to go. I have the first reading which is going to be great, I practiced like a million times last night and I'm ready. It's one of my favorite from the Book of Genesis so that makes it even better.

I will take lots of pics and post soon....we had the rehersal dinner last night, it was a bbq which was tons of fun. My brother went and got fireworks and they were great, although the rain and dampness made for lots of smoke. It was better than going to the ones the state puts on (no crowds)

Oh and I did exercise yesterday, the whole CD, I was pumped and promptly fell asleep as I am still battling this nasty cold. Three weeks now, so I'm not sure where to go from here. Guess the doc will be getting yet another call on Monday.

So I'm off, for more coffee and relaxing before I get ready!

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Patriotic weekends

are fun, why because we get a day no. Because it's summer and I'm in the best shape of my life, ever. I've gained back such pride and accomplishment it's astounding. I am undaunted by those who feel I am inferior to them, why because I've worked damned hard and will continue to just to maintain this body I've developed. Sure, I had a little help up front, but now it's all up to me. WLS isn't a quick fix, a cure, it's a tool something not to be gotten into lightly and you need to be commited, for the long haul, forever. I hear alot of people "Oh if I just had WLS I could lose this weight and I'd be good". Yeah sure, for about 1 year and then bam the weight starts piling back on if you don't change your habits, your ways so to speak. Sure there are people who really don't have to change much and the surgery works, but overall the statistics are just not in your favor. Really, don't believe check it out.

I've been fortunate (knock on wood) I've had no complications, no extra hospital stays, nothing out of the ordinary. Sure I have my dumping spells, they are far and few between nowadays but sometimes I overdo it, I'm human and I am still learning from my mistakes.

So this weekend, I'm buying a gorgeous summer dress to wear to my sister's wedding. It will be strapless and maybe even backless. I'm daring to go where I've never dared to go before and why, because I'm accomplished!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

I feel accomplished

I did my whole balance ball workout tonight, abs, lower and upper body. I didn't want to but I did it!

Long day at work, had a fun lunch again with B. Took too long again, I need to set a timer or something. Thank goodness I get in early otherwise I'd have alot of docked pay!! He makes my heart sing. That is good, right?

Till tomorrow!

I love short weeks....

because I am already so tired this week, and fighting off a sore throat again, bleech :(

My sister and her husband came home with a sore throat and after spending alot of time with them over the weekend, I'm now trying not to get sick. I am wickedly busy at work and well at home with the upcoming wedding this weekend. No time to be sick that is for sure!

I have another lunch date with B today. I can't wait, I can't stop smiling, he makes my heart sing. Is that corny, well I think so but whatever he does.

Tomorrow, my oldest is taking us to see Hancock after he works, so we will be going to the midnight showing. I will definitely be napping before we go.

At some point I need to re-incorporate exercise, my body is craving this and well I've been so darned tired and busy I haven't had time. I opted to sleep in this a.m. over getting up and even doing a short 20 min workout :(

Weight is stable, which is always a good thing.