Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year

No resolutions will be made for next year, my main goal is to be a loving, good mother, a friend, healthy and to try out new things that I would never have imagined myself doing in the past.

My honey and I are staying in tonight, I have a sinus infection and he is getting sick. We are making a nice dinner and watching movies. I'm sure we'll both be fast asleep before the ball drops at midnight....what a great New Years Eve date I'll be. I'm glad we didn't make plans to go out though as I would totally not be up for it tonight. We unfortunately spent the whole weekend resting and sleeping, I missed going to Philly for the extra in the movie Sat morning and only spent one hour at my gf's party. I was wiped and am still feeling bad, however in order to be paid for my holiday tomorrow I have to be here today and tomorrow!! I just hope the day goes by fast!

I haven't exercised in almost a week now with this miserable cold....I HATE BEING's one of the most uncomfortable coughing, sneezing sickness' that have come around in a long time. I hear lots of people out there are sick now and it's spreading around. How fun!! NOT

My roommate moved most of her things out on Sunday and she'll be out entirely by this Sat. I'm glad but will have to tighten my purse strings again, no biggie at least I won't be feeding them and it's not like she contributed alot of $$ anyhow.

Overall 2007 has been a time of growing, learning and finding what makes me tick, happy, sad etc. It's been a rollercoaster ride and I wouldn't trade it in for the world. I'm leaving behind sad memories, happy memories, a separation and the luck of finding a new man to spend my time with. My children have continued to bring me happiness and joy and of course sorrow too sometimes but I am proud to be their mother and proud of what great young men they are becoming.

Wishing you and your families out there a prosperous, healthy and fun 2008!!

Thursday, December 27, 2007


Couldn't come soon enough this week. I am coming down with the cold that has been passed around my home and work for the last few weeks. Woke up this a.m. with the scratchy, sore throat, yuck!! I'm all congested and trying to survive the last hour here at work. I am very excited though as I have a hair appointment tonight, I just wish it were earlier than 7:30 but I will prevail because I need my hair cut in a bad way.

Today was a busy, productive day. I didn't manage to get up and get my exercise in however, I think the extra 1/2 hour of sleep was warranted based on how I am feeling. Maybe tomorrow if I can shake some of this crud I will definitely get some new yoga in. I got two new dvd's for christmas and haven't had a chance to try them out yet! I have done excellent eating this holiday season, although no foods really bother me, except for the gas and carbs combination from hell, I have gained nothing and even managed to lose a few more lbs. I'm going to need new clothes again as some of the ones I've been wearing are getting big again, even after I had the pants taken in at the waist. They are ballooning around my legs and I look like a bad impression of I Dream of

We are coming to the end of the busy season here at work, thank god is all I can say about that one, combined with the separation, and all the other crap going on in my life the last few months have been a real feat of juggling on my part. How I have kept my head together during some of it is really amazing even to myself!! One more hurdle, New Years Eve, which is our anniversary. I'm sure something will come up that I won't want to deal with but whatever, it's part of the healing/divorce process and it's bound to happen more often than not with this one. We have decided to stay in on NYE and have a nice dinner, maybe watch a movie or two and hopefully drift off to sleep while trying to stay up and watch the ball drop. It's our first NYE together me and my new guy. He really is a rock in my life that holds me together when the "shit hits the fan" called my STBXH.

The kids are both home that night also, so hopefully they will come up with some fun things for us to do....instead of the standard, "I am bored" My sister is coming in Feb from Greece, I can't wait to see her, she's been gone since end of July and now she's coming home married and bringing the new husband who've we have all spoken with but only mom has met so far. I can't wait to meet him. Things are progressing nicely for their wedding here in July and I am very excited for this because truthfully I never thought my little sister would ever, ever get married.

I am going to Philly Sat and being an extra in a movie they are shooting at a church, a nice little chunk of change for a few hours of dressing nice and looking pretty, get my name in the credits and well hopefully it will be alot of fun and I'll get to meet some really cool people. I hope I truly feel better by then also!!

Back on plan with eating, cutting back, oh so way back on the carbs....they are evil and well just don't like me, thank god the holiday eating is almost over, one more party Sat and I'm done till next year!!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The Day After

Is tiring, I can't believe I didn't save vacation time to have off today as I feel like the walking dead. We all had a great whirlwind of activity the last few days and everyone was happy and satisfied at the end of the day except the STBXh....he is a whole different story.

Christmas Eve was spent with my father and his gf and her family, it was a nice quiet ending to a hectic day with good food and company. Everyone disbanded early home and I was asleep by 10:30 which was nice, of course Christmas morning the youngest boy was up with the dawn, good god he's 13 stay in bed until at least 7 if possible!! So off to open gifts, with his brother grudginly awakening before his time....then the scattering of the children happened, the oldest went to his dad's for the day and evening, the youngest wanted to go over his dad's early to see what he got there, of course his father looked at it as I wanted him out so I could spend more time with my guy and his family, which was certainly it evolved into a big fight and of course I was really close to calling the cops again, even the boy said "dad c'mon let's go" and of course he doesn't listen so a big to do about nothing erupted as usual. Now is the time to finish filing for the divorce along with the restraining order and the visitation rights and what he can and cannot do (like just walk into my home uninvited).....

We were off to my guys house to spend time with his family, it was a nice low key day which was perfect. He got me a ton of really great I have definitely met a guy who has a big heart for such a short time knowing him. We had a great time overall and I'm glad the holidays are over, they are exhausting!!

Hope you all enjoyed your Christmas and keep safe during the rest of this holiday season.

Friday, December 21, 2007

How can I be sick at Christmas

well that's an easy answer, UTI....ew gross, I can't believe I woke up with this yesterday. So off the doctor's and they said the test came back positive instantaneously. UGH, off to the pharmacy to get the drugs and some relief possibly? No, 1-2 hour wait....wth is going on, is everyone that sick at Christmas!!! So I go home and wait the required 2 hours, back to the store and now I have meds. Two doses in and no relief yet but hopefully soon. I am so uncomfortable it's unreal. So now tonight will be another early night in bed and hopefully relief will be in the form of being able to go to the bathroom like a regular person!!

Tonight my gf and I are exchanging our gifts. It's the only night her son is home until sometime next week. One - this is a good thing he'll be gone....two - I wasn't sure when we were going to get to it. Tomorrow we have a christmas party with my honey and then the rest of the weekend we relax, enjoy ourselves. Of course he's off of work till Wed, but not me...I'm in here bright and early Monday morning...GAH!!! It's the worst time of year to work in the liquor

Sunday is supposed to rain, AGAIN, I didn't realize I lived in the Pacific Northwest, I feel like every weekend we have rain, well yes we have or snow, or sleet for the past um.....5 let's just make it an even 6. Can you see the snarkiness and tell I'm sick and tired of rain....I just need to see the sun!! A little...please.

So I'm off to work, or try to pretend I'm working....enjoy

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Christmas meme (from a coworker)

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?I prefer wrapping paper but have used gift bags
2. Artificial or real tree? Real trees smell wonderful in the house but upkeep kills me
3. When do you put up the tree? weekend of Thanksgiving
4. When do you take the tree down? Usually around the 1st or 2nd weekend of Jan.
5. Do you like Eggnog? nope
6. Favorite Gift you received as a child? probably the bike I always had wanted
7. Do you have a nativity scene? not a nice one, it's one of my secret wishes
8. Hardest person to buy for? my dad
9. Easiest person to buy for? my mom
10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? probably the sandwich maker because I dont' eat sandwiches...
11. Mail or e-mail Christmas Cards? mail
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Miracle on 34th Street
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? When I have money and time
14. Have you ever 'recycled' a Christmas present? I hate to admit it but yes
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? seafood
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? White
17. Favorite Christmas Song? O Holy Night
18. Travel at Christmas or Stay Home? stay home if possible
19. Can you name Santa's Reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph
20. Do you have an Angel or a Star on top of your tree? Angel
21. Open the Presents Christmas Eve or Morning? Morning
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The whole political correctness of whether it is Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas, we aren't trying to exclude anyone but for years and years growing up it was Merry Christmas to me and that's what I say.
23. Shopping Mall or online? both
24. Do you decorate outside for Christmas or just inside? both, but this year has rained so much on the weekends only inside is done.
25. Favorite Christmas cookie? anything with peanut butter and hershey kisses
26. Do you own Christmassy clothing or jewelry? if you count the red sweater I just bought then yes
27. Do you believe in Santa? of course

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I'm ready

for Christmas. All the gifts are purchased and wrapped and the cards were mailed earlier this week. I have the meal planned and purchased and I am ready. I think this is the first time in quite a few years that I can say this and I'm happy about it. Now I can just sit back and relax and enjoy the rest of the season. Work is still crazy busy and the drinkers are out in full force but it is good for

Tonight me and my honey are getting a tree for his house and setting it up, I'm very excited he included me in this part of his life. It really is special this year for me and him. We have a christmas party Sat at his sisters, Sunday we are having Christmas home with my dysfunctional family and then Christmas eve we work till noon and off to my father's to spend the evening with family and friends. I don't know exactly what we are doing on Christmas day but I'm sure it will be full of traveling here and there. I'm glad I'm done, I feel a big weight lifted off of me because of this, I actually am 100% looking forward to the whole holiday season, even though it's only two weeks left at this point.

The STBXH is actually being pretty decent now, hopefully this will last through the new

New Years Eve plans and made and a quiet night at home with the family and my man are in store for us, a peaceful and enjoyable evening will be had by all.

Now if I could just find a way to stop nibbling on all the yummy and high calorie and carb snacks that everyone is bringing or sending in here to work, I'd be a happy girl. Today I had one chocolate covered pretzel and turned my back on all the other sweets that were brought in. I really need to stop the snacking as it is what got me where I was in the first place. I brought with me dinner for tonight, so we will have a good dinner home cooked once I get up to his house tonight, hopefully that will curb the urge to have something "bad". Only two more days this week to get through and then the next week. I need to find the control I had before to get me through this holiday. At least the scale hasn't moved, but the pants feel tight in the waist and I feel it when I eat too many carbs....bad for me.

I did get in my weight exercises this a.m. I need to really get back on a regular schedule of exercising as this will eliminate my feelings of fat and water retention. I have been so tired staying up late and then trying to get up early and exercise that I've been opting to hit the snooze, well last night 9pm lights were out and I was fast asleep even though I wanted to stay up and watch the rest of Dream I did feel better this a.m. and glad I went to bed early. I even had my lunch and dinner packed and ready to go for this a.m. so one less thing to deal with. More fruits and veggies and less cookies and chips and pretzels is my mantra for the next two weeks. Let's see how well I can stick with it!!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

One week and counting

I have two more gifts to buy and I'm done. Tonight is dedicated to wrapping until I can't or it's done whichever comes After that I can relax and enjoy the rest of the season!!

I have three big food challenges coming up this weekend into Christmas. Saturday we are attending a holiday party, full of good foods and of course I'm sure lots of them will be bad, bad, bad for the WLS patient. I am hoping to get in a good, healthy snack before we go and then it will help curb the binge eating of carbs I tend to do, more so even lately. I really need to stop with the carbs, they wreak havoc on my digestive system and well to be quite frank they make me gassy, but does that stop me, nope!! Also, Hershey's has come out (well not exactly new but) with a cherry cordial kiss. OMG they are a little slice of heaven on earth, if I could only stop with one every now and again, but no I think I had about 10 yesterday through the day and night....good lord I need to step away from the sweets. Again this morning I did not get up and exercise. That is two days in a row and truthfully I'm exhausted but know this is absolutely no reason not to take care of me which is the priority!! My youngest ds is still home sick, poor baby is coughing and the meds are breaking up the congestion but it makes him sound worse than he probably actually is. He's home again on the couch today, hopefully he'll be able to make it back to school tomorrow. I hope he's well for the holidays but from what I've seen of the colds and bugs going around in our area, well it comes and goes and then comes back with a vengeance.

Today at least I got a roast in the crock pot, with all the hectic work at the holidays I've been a little more slack on planning out my dinner meals timely so we are either eating very late, or having something less than desirable on the spur. Not a good plan for any person, let alone a WLS patient. So if we can all make it through the next two weeks we can all get back on track and move forward. That's my plan!!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Getting ready for the big day

So the countdown is on, one week and counting till old St Nick comes to see all good little boys and I did manage to get a bunch of my christmas shopping done this weekend, which was excellent. Now I have to wrap it all :) I do still need to run out and get a few last things but it shouldn't take that long.

Spent a nice weekend with the kids but with my honey. We had a very nice time all weekend hanging out and doing things together. Sat was the funeral, it was a very emotional time for the family but it was a beautiful service. The rest of the time we didn't plan anything and just did things as they got done, not that we got everything we wanted to done, but it's ok as it was a nice time. The big nor'easter never materialized, we got heavy rain on Sat night and it was cleared out by midday Sunday. All in all the weather wasn't too terrible until those cold winds came in, now it's downright frigid and bitter, biting cold. brrrrrr

This week and the next will be the culmination of our busiest season of the year, I personally cannot wait until it's over and we move into the new year work wise...but not to rush things. Next Monday we work 1/2 day and then me, the kids and my honey will be spending the evening with my dad, his gf and her family for Christmas eve. NYE discussions came up, and since I do have to work again that day, plus both kids are with me since it's a Monday evening so we've opted for a nice quiet in with a nice dinner and just relaxing and maybe if we are lucky we'll be up to see the ball

I've been maintaining my weight lately, which I'm very happy with. I think I've found the happy medium of eating, exercise and my head...which is not an easy place to go to. Exercise has been good and I've been investing in more yoga tapes as they are my faves right now and make me feel the best.

Friday, December 14, 2007

It's Friday

Yeah is all I have to say....tonight will commence my Christmas shopping. I will get my guys stuff done tonight as he is working a gig and then tomorrow morning I'm rolling up there to spend the weekend with him. I can't believe how much I miss someone and when they call or email me I just smile like a lovesick puppy, sappy is what some call me. I am so happy!!

This weekend I hope we get rain and the nor'easter hangs out with the upper part of the NE I just want to get some stuff done here folks. I want to get all the presents bought and wrapped, my one small wish for myself to have accomplished before I sleep on Sunday.

My weight is dipping again, 2lb today, I'm not going to sweat it, I'm eating like a pig and the popcorn that showed up at work today I'm sure will be causing all kinds of wonderful gas and bloating later so...............

Kids are away this weekend and work is almost done, I feel my body relaxing into a place where I'm very comfortable and enjoying every minute of it. I actually would rather stay home by MYSELF than venture that's something new and exciting and I'm loving every minute of it....

Have a great one, everyone, be safe and keep celebrating the holidays. Tell someone Merry

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

One day at a time

Is the mantra I have to live by. I'm feeling good, weight is stabilized for now and well things in life are great. Christmas is right around the corner and well I haven't even started buying gifts. I did get my list ready last night, tomorrow is payday so I'm hoping to get alot of it done and over with this weekend. Of course Sunday they are calling for our first N'oreaster of the season, hopefully we'll get by with the rain portion of the storm, but they can be tricky and you never know what you will get!! Tomorrow I will be venturing out w/out the man and hopefully get his stuff done and some of the kids stuff too.

If I said I wasn't having problems with my roommate now I'd be lying, we'll see what she does since I've laid out what I need/want from this situation. I'm just going to say I'm not giving a free ride which is what I think she was looking for.

Saw the doc today for my one year surgiversary, he said I'm doing great, and if I wanted I could lose another 10 lb and still be great. I was kind of shocked to hear that, but he said I'm doing good and to let my body act naturally with the surgery tool and I will be a success. Of course we spoke about the rapid weight loss of the last 8 weeks, stress, life in general and he said that after having a 2 1/2 month plateau it was my body reacting to it. He told me to relax, enjoy and keep up the good work!!

It is raining cats and dogs today, I am supposing I will never get my outside decorations done, and I think if I don't get it done today I'm putting them away for next year, as they are cluttering up my house more than I care to admit.

It's a kid free weekend, lots to do and a funeral thrown in there for good measure. My man's aunt passed on Tuesday of a stroke, and Sat morning is the service.

Kids are getting excited for christmas and the days are counting down now. I am truly blessed to have a great family and friends and want to really enjoy this year with each and everyone of them!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The weekend and other not so wonderful things

The weekend turned out to be anything but what I expected it to. Friday night I slipped on black ice carrying out to the trash my old dvd system with surround sound, needless to say I have a big bruise on my foot (where the dvd system landed) as well as a skinned knee and a lump on my head from hitting it on the system also on the way down. Sat a.m. I woke up with the stomach virus and spent most of the day in the bathroom, well you get the idea. About 3:30 pm I started feeling somewhat human but at the expense of having to cancel my trip to NYC and hearing alot of grief from the other party (since I wasn't considerate enough to let them know I was going to be Sat night we ventured out to the mall, but I ended up sitting down alot and evidently was very pale and drawn. Sunday was the best day of them all and I got alot done as well as spent quality time with the kidlet and the man.

The foot is still sore and I'm still limping around a bit, but overall I'm good.

The not so wonderful things are of course roommate related. I really love to help out my friends in need but I guess my heart is just too big and it's getting stomped on. Without going into the boring details, she has a month to straighten up or she'll have to make other arrangements, of course this pains me to even think about it, but it is life and we need to act like adults in these situations. If I want to exercise in the a.m. and your kid can't watch cartoons, well tough, there are three other's tvs, get a grip. I am maintaining my weight for now and my next doc appointment is this Thursday a.m. I am looking forward to seeing his take on this whole weight loss situation. I am exercising faithfully again and trying my best to stay away from the mindless munching and getting my life back on track physically and mentally. My youngest ds told me this morning I look tired, I thought great it's only Tuesday morning and I already look I'm trying to make it through the holiday, I think it takes a toll on all of us and the worst is it is supposed to be a joyous time, not a stressful time.

I have my Christmas list made, the shopping will be finished this weekend and of course then is the wrapping, hopefully I will get it done quickly. I am making candles for all the girls here at work and they are partially done, so I think on a whole I'm on my way to completing everything in a timely manner to enjoy the last week and weekend before christmas in solitude knowing it's all going to be fine, of course work is at it's craziest also, so that doesn't help that I'm being pulled 50 million ways at once here also. It will all be fine, we will breathe a big sigh of relief at the end of the work day on 12/31 and ring in the New Year with great hopes and expectations of a better year than this one brought me. Of course it's not all bad, but there have been some major bumps along the road.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

The next day

Yes it has come to a grinding halt the munching....thank god. Today I got up pulled out my cutest jumper and turtleneck, black hose and high heels, I am going to look smart and adorable and go to work and stop all the munching. Mission accomplished. I feel good and look good and that is enough to stop this mindless eating. Tonight my honey is coming down to watch the game with me. DS2 is going over his father's for the night and gf and son are going over to another gf's to hang for the night...sweet bliss me and my honey and some quiet, alone time!

Scale is down today, no sign of AF yet!! she is exasperating at times, and well I'm on a roll. This weekend is NYC on Sat and relaxing on Sunday. I'm sure we'll get into something.

Life is good once again, it's beautiful out with our 2.9" of new fallen snow which will be gone by tonight!! I need to exercise still today, but that can be accomplished later tonight.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Battling the food demons

Seems appopriate for me this week, two reasons, one is AF is due any minute now and generally I'm ravenous right before it happens and two the food that is being brought into work is simply to die for and I will if I keep eating it. I have a low, low tolerance to carbs, in essense they make me bloated and gassy, to the point of embarrassment. One would think that would be enough for me to back away from the table, but alas no :( I have been struggling with the eating these past two weeks, everything that I put in my mouth seems to call out to me and is a big NO, NO in WLS books of eating right. Water has not been my friend either as much as it should be, I don't know why or what prompted all of this to come on as I have been so diligent and by the book, but these past two weeks have ravaged my body and spirit and well in essence I have come to realize that I can't allow this to happen, quite plain and simple. This surgery and all the preparation before and after is a lifetime measure for me, if one is not prepared to deal with this for life, then move on and find other means to make your weight disappear. It was really the wake up call I needed to say, HELLO, I'm a tool, you need to use me wisely or I will bring you adverse affects. I liken this episode to a drinker, or drug user or for that matter anyone who has a vice and has walked away from it for months and then it came rearing it's ugly head, to feed that addiction. You don't win when you give in to temptation. I have worked very hard this past year and I'll be damned if I'm going to let two weeks turn my life right back around to where it was. Of course during these two weeks I probably used every excuse in the book to make me feel better about what I was doing, but in the end they were just that EXCUSES!! No more, I'm taking back my life and turning it right back around, more fresh fruits and veggies, water (at least 8 cups), lean meats, healthy grains it's what it is all about. Exercise, which hasn't been lacking but the want to do it yes at the end of the day I'm human, I've stumbled, fallen and now I'm getting back up and dusting myself off and starting over.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Welcome December

With this welcome brings some positive changes that I have been waiting for. To say the least November will go down in my history books as a bittersweet month, it was full of positive and alot of negative too. This weekend was a great weekend of nothing but Michelle stuff, it was great. Of course yesterday I was like the hoover freaking vacuum with food, I just couldn't seem to get enough food to satisfy myself, at least that day is over and I'm feeling back to normal today!!

I'm welcoming this month with a hopefulness that I wouldn't have dared thought possible. I think it really is going to be a good christmas and holiday season at our house after all. Last night the STBXH met the new bf, that was quite an unexpected thing to happen but it did it's over and it was ok, enough said. Me and the new man had a great weekend together, finding out that we are compatible on levels I never thought were possible....also just being together and doing things was a nice change from being the mom. Of course the older ds wanted to hang out this weekend and I told him he hasn't seen his father in a month so get over there and spend some quality time with him.

So here's to a great month, a joyous holiday season and all that happiness that I can spread!!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

It's almost the weekend

I'm not even going to post this with the other mesasge, that was just to get it off my chest. Done, finito.

I'm very excited for this weekend, first of all I get to see my honey again. It's been since Sunday, and yes we talk quite a few times a day but still I haven't seen him. Tomorrow night we are going to Longwood Gardens. It is a beautiful 1050 acre place that one of the Duponts had as ahome and kept it as an agricultural keepsake for time. They decorate the house and grounds for the holidays, there are indoor and outdoor displays and of course now is decorated for lights. I can't wait to go and see the beauty of it all. Then Sat is errand day and relaxing, we are going to kick back and watch some movies and just hang. Sat night is up in the air as they are talking 'winter storm'...yikes I am so not ready for snow's too soon. Anyhow tonight is football and then Sunday again. What a great kid free weekend it will be. I need a little downtime from my children, whom I dearly love, but I need to be kidfree and just enjoy Michelle for a change.

We did get the Christmas tree up on Tuesday night, it came out just beautifully and we all enjoyed the evening together as a family. I'm slowly getting into the spirit of the season which seems to take longer and longer to come, but it is one holiday that I truly love and cherish. I think mostly work being so busy makes it harder on me. I have not one gift purchased but at least the ideas are starting to form as to what to get these kids. I do have to figure ot what to get the guy, that could be more of a challenge right now.

I've been stabalizing in my weight, finally!! I was really worried there for a bit, but I think the combined stress and everything going on was taking it's toll on me, time to put Michelle back up there front and center. I've dove back into exercise, which was lacking for a better term the past week and eating is being more monitored. No more sour stomach and such. I just felt blah. No more, the last two days of healthy eating has definitely done wonders for me and my outlook on things.

DS2 is getting contacts tonight, he is so excited. I think he's a little apprehensive but it will be ok. I know it's a total vanity thing for him....but he is a teenager now!!

I'll leave you with this:

"The walk is never supposed to be easy; because God wants to test you. If you want to be successful, you've got to walk through fire." Reggie White

STBXH has jumped over the edge

Last night was the cum laude of the performance he's been giving us all week, he pushed his way in the door while dropping off ds2, he proceeds to berate me and be beligerant, oh the names and things he called me, all the while ds2 is within earshot of this. I asked him three times to leave, he won't so I called. Yep 911, you are so out of here I don't need this from you anymore, well right before the locals came, he was outta there. They took the report and left. I talked to ds2 well not only did he hear what his father said and how he said it but he also had an earful over at his house, my poor little boy, his father is completely flipped his lid in my opinion. He was tearful and very, very sorry for telling his father things, which totally got flipped around and out of control. He saw his father for the first time wearing his true stripes and the way he is towards me last night. Something I never wanted him to see but it's done, the damage is there and we are moving on. DS2 and I had a long, long talk last night, he is a little boy and this is just no necessary but it has happened. So we've turned the point, rounded the bend or whatever you want to say, ds2 has changed his attitude and tune at home, I'm so grateful although the expense on which this has happened is anything but pleasant.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

DS2 in crisis?

My youngest son is in crisis. Everytime he speaks to his father he completely falls apart, which I totally understand but my heart goes out to him to help him through this period in his life. He is angry with me, he wants to live with his father, he idolizes his father (who can do no wrong in his eyes) he doesn't want to live in the house, with me, with anyone, he has a bad temperment and attitude. He is sassy, beligerant and downright disrespectful to me and everyone around him. He is in need of therapy I know, I have a call into the doc's office to get this started asap. I just want to know how to fix my little boy who is struggling. It makes me sad but he wants his father back and I can't go there. He thinks he is the man of the house now and can make all of our decisions for life for us, UM no you aren't, you are 13 and need to deal with your problems and let us worry about the rest for now. I know he's feeling the strain and disappointment that his father and I are not getting back together but from what I am hearing I am the only one he lashes out at, his father says he's perfectly fine there with him. As much as I hated to offer this option I asked if maybe he live with him for a while and adjust, come visit me and let things cool down, his father downright refused. I'm tired, stressed and well just about at my wits end also. I know this too shall pass, but at what price to me, my other kid and well our family dynamic. Things have changed I try to explain this to him, but WOW what a drama king he is being!! Sorry for the rant today guys, usually I'm so upbeat but I'm tired, downright drained and well I need to get this off my chest now!

Monday, November 26, 2007

The up's and down's of blended families

My family for the most part is totally dysfunctional now. My eldest son has my parents (who are divorced) his father's parents (who are also divorced) me and his father (who are divorced) and my youngest is journeying down that same path right now. It's overload when you are trying to celebrate holidays with your family. There is no real sense of the "old-fashioned" family at all, it's really sad at the end of the day when I think about it, but it's the reality of the situation. We celebrated our dysfunctional Thanksgiving on Sat, with my and my children, my gf and her son, my son's gf and my new man. Let's just say it was a big blend of alot of things but wow at the end of the day, it's exhausting.

Me and the man went to the Va vs Penn game Friday night, what a great game, although VA blew Penn It was a late night as the first game didn't get done until almost 45 min late and we left with 5 min on the clock at 12 midnight. I was exhausted to say the least. Sat a.m. up early to pickup ds2 and get him bowling at 9am sharp, back home to get the big bird in the oven and back to bowling to pick him up. Then my man came down and off shopping for xmas gifts we went, back home around 3pm to check the big bird who was cooking superbly in the oven and I crashed hard at that point. Dinner around 6pm and again I crashed out for the night at 9pm. Off the next am with his daughter to do giftwrapping at the mall I felt like crap Sunday and really just wanted to lay in bed and die. I'm not sure what that was all about, but the whole day was feeling up and down, shaky and just plain old blah. We watched the Cleveland game and I dashed off to home to spend the rest of the evening with the kids, one of whom was not home yet. STBXH made a royal pia of himself all day yesterday, calling like a million times, I swear he knows when I'm with the new man and just does it to be a pest. New man is very unhappy with the whole situation and I don't blame him one bit. Of course you can't reason this with stbhx as it's his way or no way at all.....

Today, back at work...eagles played a great game and actually showed some real football team potential last night against new england, too bad that didn't come earlier in the season.

Got a little bit of decorations up and my weight is down again :( I swear I ate and ate and ate, but I think the stress of the whole situation and everything going on is just driving me nutso. I just wish the scale would cooperate with the eating habits. I've been told now I look sickly, too thin, I don't know, I feel good but....I just feel something is wrong.

So on that note, I'm going to get some work done, I'm really happy in my life and with my life and am so excited for Christmas this year (which I wasn't 2 months ago)

Friday, November 23, 2007

We survived

Thanksgiving, it was great to see the friends and family. What a difference in my life all these people have been this past year, rooting for me and well just being there for me. Wed night stbxh was up his tricks, but it didn't curtail me into having a bad night, we had a great date. Went to see an indie movie in Philly, dinner and a drink on South Street. Then back to his house and watched a movie while I waited for the partiers to clear the roads so I could head home. I really didn't want to be driving while they were out there since it's such a big party night here at least. Overall the evening was great, I love to spend time with my new man and he brings such happiness and joy to my life. He went out shopping this a.m. and called me at 4:45 to tell me all about his great buys, I had to laugh as I was snuggled warmly in my bed. Of course the reason being is we work today :(

DS1 and his gf went shopping today too, starting with the midnight They strolled in around 7am and proceeded to go to the couches and get in some sleep.

So work is quiet today, hopefully I'll get alot done, but it's what it is...have a great Black Friday and if you are shopping be safe.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The day before

Here we are the day before the big holiday, the busiest travel day of the year as millions of people are flying, driving or taking whatever means to get home and spend some quality time with family and friends. It is the unofficial beginning of the craziest time in the year, of course I love this time of year!! I absolutely love Christmas. Last year I was recovering and I got the house decorated over a period of time although I felt like it would never get done. This year, well a few months back I was considering not even decorating for Christmas and give in to the bah humbug about the whole thing, but something has changed, a monumental thing has happened in my life and it has changed my whole outlook on things. Here is a great example: The past 4-5 days have been rainy, cold and down right nasty. Under these conditions I would normally be grumpy, grouchy and downright mad at the weather for being so crappy, well it didn't even bother me. I truly didn't care!! WOW is all I can say. Today the sun is shining and it's warm, going to be a great day and an even better night. M is taking me to Philly for dinner and some sightseeing on South Street...from the infamous song. It should be brimming with people out and about and enjoying the unseasonably warm evening and I will be spending it with a man I truly adore right now. How can life be more perfect? It can't...I'm so blessed to have him in my life and truly am in awe how much he adores me! I have never felt like I do and I am enjoying this ride every minute.

I sat down with ds2 and told him I was seeing someone last night, it went over alot better than I thought it would and he asked alot of great questions about M and I told him, he's great. He doesn't quite know yet that he's meeting him Sat night, but I will let him know before the time comes.

Tomorrow is the most thankful day of the year, or so the pilgrims taught us that right?? LOL I am truly blessed and thankful for so much this year that my cup brimmeth over..ok I'm getting sappy.

So everyone enjoy your family, friends, some football (if that's your thing) and great food. If you are cooking, relax and enjoy yourself. I have cooked for so long that this year is a special treat that I am not. I will enjoy seeing my friends and family I haven't seen in a while, all the while missing those that cannot be with us this year.

Then after all the turkey is cleaned up and the dessert is settling in, it will become the craziest time of year, black Friday!!


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

One year Surgiversary

Today is the day, at this time one year ago I was being wheeled into the OR and the beginning of my new life was right around the corner. It has been a year filled with ups and downs and good and bad and a lot of new and exciting things are happening. In one year I've gone from 256.5 to 137.5 for a total loss of 119lb. That is a teenage girl for goodness sake. I stand at 5'5" so for me I'm in the normal height/weight range. I know sometimes when I read other's blogs I wonder how tall they are for their weight, as everyone always looks so fabulous. I have a hard time sometimes realizing it's been a year. The trials and tribulations that make life work are amazing, and for me it's a new life, from top to bottom. Soon to be xh and I seem to be working through things well, I have a new man in my life, whom I'm simply head over heels with right now (and I hope this doesn't change), my children are wonderful and I have alot to be thankful for. It's a time for me to reflect on the last year and to see just how far I've come. I feel like a Virginia Slims I will get to enjoy a healthy thanksgiving with my family (well the part that is up here) and am very thankful for the opportunties that I have been given as well as those I have taken.

In reflection I have learned alot about myself, who I truly am or could say truly was hiding under the "fat suit". I have come to love myself for who I am and what I am and are becoming. I know that I am a good person, a kind person and very loving. I also know that my worth and self dignity have been restored to a higher level than I have ever had in my entire life. I am loved by myself and others. It has been a challenge per se to see some of these qualities in myself as I have seemingly "existed" prior to surgery. I still have issues with my body, but they lie in the fact that in losing the weight I have pockets of skin that are left over. I am happy though with myself and how I look and who I am. I think for the first time in my life I can actually say with overall confidence that I have turned into the person inside and outside that I always knew I was. My blog started out with a blurb to say I wanted WLS to turn into this person and that was a personal goal of mine. I'm happy to say I've accomplished this goal.

The next year will still be full of new and exciting challenges. I know now that I'm almost out of the window of weight loss. Although right this minute I am still losing, I know this time period is quickly drawing to a close. I now need to implement all these wonderful things I've learned to be the success I know I can be. Personally, professionally and mentally there are still alot of challenges that I know I have to endure this coming year. I feel that I have become a better prepared person not to run to the bag of chips or 1/2 gallon of ice cream when the chips are down, but I have learned there are new and more positive ways to channel this bad energy. It will be a year of growth and hopefully the beginning of something new and wonderful for me. So in addition to looking forward to year two of post op life, I am also looking forward to the new year 2008, it will be full of surprises and good things.

Monday, November 19, 2007

The weekend

Was a whirlwind of activities. Friday night was the sports banquet, it was really a nice affair they pulled together. The dinner was made by the culinary arts students, it was very delicious and I actually enjoyed their selections, very post WLS surgery friendly!! Then on to the actual awards ceremony. Overall it was very nice, they did the all conference and higher type awards for all fall sports first then broke it down by sport, ds1 did receive the coachs award trophy for the year along with a nice team photo with the school, class of 2008 and his name from the coach. Overall it was an enjoyable event. Afterward we met some friends and checked out the new singer Megan in Jason's band. She was awesome and a truly nice girl. Young but nice, and of course they will draw the guys as she is cute as a button!!

Saturday morning was moving day, we were up bright and early and got everything done. Of course it was overcast, breezy and downright chilly but nice, I spent about 3-4 hours that afternoon with my mom and then got ready for my date. I was so happy to see him, and we had a really great time. I got to meet his sister, brother and father, and that was really nice. Yesterday was a day of rest, Eagles and wash. Of course I squeezed in some grocery shopping too :) LOL I had alot to do and got it all done.

So we are back at work, I feel like being home as it is still rainy and chilly out there, but there is alot to do. This Sat we are having our own Thanksgiving with my new dysfunctional family!! lol I will be going to my father's on Thursday to celebrate with them and his gf's families. Overall it's another busy week.

Oh and tomorrow is my one year surgiversary!!

Oh and did I tell you we have 36 shopping days till Christmas?? LOL Just thought I'd throw that in there for good measure.

Friday, November 16, 2007

It's Friday

and I'm so happy. We are heading out to the sports banquet tonight, big awards are coming I can feel it!! Then my gf and I are heading out to see our friend Jason and the new singer in his band!! Some of our other friends are heading out tonight also, it's been a while since I've seen them, so I'm very excited about that!

Tomorrow is moving day, we are up bright and early and have to get this done fast, as I have to get a nap and then my new guy and me are going to a party tomorrow night. I'm driving up there early for a little one on one time first! :) I can't wait to see him. We talk everyday, actually quite a few times a day and I'm on cloud 9!

Sunday will be a day of cleaning and fixing up stuff, her bed is getting delivered and it will get somewhat sorted out....

So I have a busy, busy weekend...and no kids!! :)

Enjoy everyone

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Almost the end of the week

It's almost the end of the week and I haven't had alot of time to blog. Life has been settling down into a routine, which is very refreshing considering what we had been dealing with. Soon to be xh is picking up ds2 on Monday/Wed evenings and every other weekend so far. Which is good. He seems to be adjusting the fact that his father is no longer in the picture so I'm happy with that. I know it has to be very hard on him, but I also know that this is the best thing for everyone involved. So this weekend is moving weekend for my gf, she is moving in with us for a while to alleviate the expenses, I'm not 10000% crazy about it, but for now, it will do. I'm not sure what I am going to do with the house yet, the market isn't quite right for a sell, but it's too big for me and the boys alone so we'll see. Plus with the holidays coming it's definitely not the right time to make any major decisions along that lines, so we will have a roommate for a bit and see how that goes.

Friends of mine their band has a new singer, she is debuting tomorrow night here so I think I may go check her out for a while and see the guys, it's been a while since they have been around here, so it will be a short night, but nice. We have ds1 sports banquet first so I will be there with my son, the proud mama!! A year ago at this time, I was getting ready to start my pre-op diet, which involved the Sat and Sunday of clear liquid diet, which ironically started the day after the sports banquet last year. The changes I have encountered on this journey have been amazing, overly amazing....I'm so glad that I did this surgery and would do it again in a heartbeat, if I had to. I'm healthy, very happy with who I am right now and how my life is going. It's been such a positive experience for me and everyone in life. I just can't speak enough about this!!

I have another date Sat night with my new guy. I can't wait to see him, we talk everyday a couple of times and really are getting to know one another. The boys are away this weekend, I may be going to the Eagles game on is good...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The date

was great, we hit it off so well, it was scary. He was the perfect gentleman, and here I thought all that was gone forever....let's hope he stays this way!! We had a great dinner and conversation, prolonged it as long as we could as neither of us wanted to leave, but when it was over I called and left a message that I had a great time and can't wait to see him again. I think he feels the same way. We still talk daily and I am looking forward to Sat night. :)

Monday, November 12, 2007

The weekend

The best laid plans never work out sometimes do they!! I had every intention of having a perfect laid back weekend and was doing great until Sunday!!

Friday night was spent cleaning, oh you say how fun is that to be cleaning on a Friday night, well I had alot to deal with in my mind and cleaning was a cleansing experience, gave me time to sort through my life and clean up the house at the same time. Saturday morning was great, although cold and windy, the last game was a blast....but of course I was already in and let you all know this!! lol Saturday night me and my gf hung out while ds2 had a friend stay over. All in all a good weekend so far, right? Wrong, Sunday I woke up with a migraine....OMG I haven't had one in a million years, but I think the stress and strain of what has been going on in my life had come to a head and this is what it did. So most of Sunday was headache, I went to sleep with it and woke up again today with sux!! I'm starting to feel some relief but it has come with a price, again I'm down, 5 more lbs. I am really starting to worry that this isn't healthy so I've called the doctor today, even though I'm scheduled in next month, because since Oct 1 I've lost 25 lb, which anyone would say great, but I dont' think I should be losing that much in like 40 days. I'm waiting for the call back now.

So on a sad note I called and cancelled my date for last night, I just couldnt' go through with it feeling the way I did, on a brighter note, today is a new day and we are going out tonight!! I'm excited and glad that he didn't think I was just blowing him off....

Soon to be xh update, he's acting like an idiot again, it never ends, running cold and hot on me, I guess it explains part of the stress related migraine I'm dealing with. I've told him again there is no way we are getting back together, enjoy your new girlfriend it was what you chose!

Thanksgiving is about 2 weeks away, things are heating up at work, busy, busy, busy....not like I didn't expect that, but it always gets so crazy, anyhow...I'm rambling's cold and damp today so I'm going to find some soup a blanket and relax until later!!

Happy Veteran's Day

I have lost alot of people in my family to war. It's a bittersweet memory for me as a child attending my second cousins viewing, funeral and after party at his mother's house only to have the Air Force designated people come knocking on the door half way through the party to tell her the news that her husband was shot down and killed over Vietnam just as her son was a week and a half prior. So much loss and death many, many families have had to endure for our nation to be free. We are truly the home of the free and the land of the brave.

So a special mention today to those who have lost or have friends, family or loved ones fighting in a current or past war.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

The big game

It was an exciting although freezing day out there today for the Senior Game. We won an astounding 54-30 and a great time was had by all. We showed the sports forecasters and all who predicted we would lose 21-15, this day will live for a while in the high school records as the team who finally got the school out of the slump. We didn't finish with an astounding record but were 5-5 on the season, but in the last 22 years this hasn't been done!! What a great time was had by all. Pre-game festivities included a walk with a parent or guardian and a rose for all the moms, I've posted a picture of me and my son, I'm a proud mom today!!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Friday, November 09, 2007

Another weekend

and I am ready for some real R&R this weekend. I have my boys so that should be a good time alone! Tonight ds2 has a friend coming to stay over, they should have a blast and it will give me some time to get some cleaning done and other things. I have a date on Sunday with my new man. I can't wait to see him again!! I really like him and although it's so soon, he makes me happy, so as my friends say go for it. Tomorrow we have Senior Day at football, it's the last game and they have done so well this year. My ds1 was accepted in NHS for the fifth straight year, he received a special commondation for being in the NHS since 8th grade!! Yeah for him.

Other than that, it's just relaxing and hanging out with the gang, should be a good weekend although it feels like winter here!!

Enjoy everyone! I will less scarce now that things are settling some. I'm less than 2 weeks from my first year surgiversary and I'm very excited to be sharing this with all of you!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Life overload

There have so many times that I have wanted my kids to do things but then it becomes life overload. Last night was one of those nights, of course the extra things that have happened it what made me "tilt" but not all of it is bad.

The car broke last night, thank god ds1 has a car I can utilize for work while mine is getting fixed!! Soon to be xh is having a hard time with his new 'gf' and wants to come home, um NO! It's not my fault you ran and jumped in with two feet with her. I met someone new, it's very new but exciting..the kind of exciting you get when you actually meet a potential new mate. Hey slow down yousay, well I've been thinking the same thing myself. Timing stinks but truly I'm going to let this one ride and see where it goes. I don't want to look back and say I wonder what could have happened. Nice and slow and bear with me. I've been brutally honest about myself, what I have done and where I am in my life and he still wants to talk with me...I'm amazed but the smile on my face speaks a million for now I'm happy. The one boy is finishing up football this weekend, it's senior day so the pomp and circumstance will be not. But it's a big thing for my little boy who is quickly becoming a nice young man.

So life is overwhelming, I'm sure it will settle down eventually as we get in our new routine. It's all good and I'm very happy. Weight is maintaining for now, which is a good thing, I think it was dropping pretty quickly to quickly in fact. Exercise is good, not enough cardio right now, but still moving along. I've changed up my weights routine again, and I think these new things are working as I am starting to see new definition in some of the flab that is hanging around. I'm going to keep plugging and see what happens. I'm less than two weeks to my first year surgiversary and very excited by what has happened and what will continue to evolve....what a great year this has been.

Monday, November 05, 2007

OMG I'm gonna throw the phone in the trash

He has called a million times, I want to come home,'s over...please let it be what it is. I know this is hard but it has to be this way.

Here we go

he is moved. It took two days as he left all his hanging clothes and jackets at the house on Friday. Saturday when he came to pickup ds2 for the night he took the balance of the stuff. It's crazy how can you leave and forget your clothes??

Anyhow, my girlfriends tried to keep me on overload with business this weekend. It was very sweet but I was bushed yesterday.....Friday night was the game, we lost and it was a horrible loss, but fun out there in the brisk cool weather. Afterwards me and a girlfriend went and had a drink and listened to some old friends and their band. It was nice...Sat we got some of my other gf stuff out of storage and went down to MD to the park for the day, we watched the most amazing sunset over the water at Turkey Point, that was probably my favorite part of the whole weekend. Then off to grab a bite to eat and out to see her bf's band play. I met a really nice guy, we'll Sunday was up too early again and rearranging furniture and overall cleaning. It was very cleansing to get some things done at home, along with wash and grocery shopping. Last night me and an old friend went up and watched the eagles get destroyed by

Today, foolishly I'm back at it, should have taken the day off!! But there is alot to do, so.

It's hasn't hit me quite yet, but I'm sure it will and get weird with soon to be xh out of the house...time will tell

Friday, November 02, 2007

Moving day....

today is that day. After a VERY long night last night today is finally here. I think it will help start healing for both of us..alot of hateful, mean things were said and done last night which I'm sure we are both sorry for but that is how it is right now. I know that deep down we both respect and care for each other but just can't do this anymore to either of us. The healing will now begin, it will be a long process I think (or at least I would hope) but you never know.

Tonight after work (which I am leaving here soon) is tire for ds1 car and then get ready for the game, down there at 7pm...should be a doozy. A good game is waiting to be played tonight and the weather will be perfect for football, chilly, crisp and finally fall like. Friday night lights and it's our last night game. I am praying for a win for our boys!!

Tomorrow is a sleeping in day!! yeah for once in a while I get to sleep if I want to but we all knows that means i'll be up bright and After that is alot of cleaning and rearranging. I have the whole day planned out then out with the girls later that night, for some R&R

Sunday will be the same, get everything done before the game, Eagles vs Dallas....then we are back at it...

busy weekend but it should be a good one....

Enjoy all

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Stupid things that make you mad

I found out in a not so nice way that my soon to be xh has a new gf. In fact that is where he is now. I don't care the fact that there is a new lady friend, in fact I urged him to do it, but the lying and deceiving instead of being honest there was uncalled for. He took ds2 trick or treating last night and evidently lied to him also, when the lady friend and her daughter joined them, he led him to believe it was a friend of the other people they were I feel like the whole thing was a shamble from the get go, to so easily lie to your spouse, I wonder how far back this has gone?? It's just another reason why he is the stbxh!!!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween

So this is the first halloween of the new me. I went to a costume party (which was a blast) and never got around to decorating or anything for the kids. In fact, if I don't get to the store at lunch I won't even have sweet treats for them tonight!! So I have a full day of work and running errands at lunch.

So this weekend my plans include alot of cleaning and purging...starting over if youwill.

I have been finally maintaining my weight for a few days, it has been dipping rather drastically, or at least I feel rather drastically. I feel like crap and all bloated and crampy today, so that explains that....I have been exercising, yoga still being my exercise of choice...back at the cardio at least 3x a week also. I've been really having difficulties squeezing that in sometimes, so I need a new creative plan to do some at home after work if need be.

I am coming up on my one year surgiversary this month of November. It's hard for me to believe it's been almost a year already, it feels like I was just starting out on this journey yesterday. I have learned alot this past year, about myself, my body and my needs and wants. I know they haven't been all positive, but it's who I am and where I am in my journey.

I'm looking forward to 2008 with renewed hope that things will definitely be brighter for me!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Yeah the weekend

It's been a long/short week for me at work. Time has flown being so busy but so crammed full of things to do. I'm drained, but looking forward to this weekend. I so wanted to dress up and go out for Halloween and no one wanted to, now we are going to a party and I'm not prepared. I'll have to think of something quick today for tomorrow night! Tonight I have another date, it will be our third, Wed this week we went out to dinner and a movie. That was nice and I do enjoy my time with him, sorry he's leaving soon, but that is how it is. I believe he told me next weekend is his last here :( Anyhow, tonight we are going to dinner and to see my friend Kevin's new band play, that should be nice. My gf and some other friends are meeting us there. Tomorrow we have college visit at Towson and then tomorrow night a Halloween party. Sunday will be rest, cleaning and house crap. Such a busy month this was and it's quickly coming to an end. We need to buckle up and get our applications filled out and sent in now...he needs to finish scholarship paperwork and then we wait again until Jan for the next round of paperwork. I don't remember college being such a big project when I went a million moons ago!! lol

Exercise is going well, back in the cardio, it feels good and I can definitely tell the difference when I do it. I'm searching high and low for some good back sculpting exercises, I think I've found some, but need to get a band to do them with. The bands I have don't do the job correctly. Maybe this weekend I'll run up to Target and see if they have the band I need. Yoga is still a source of inspiration and relaxation for me. That is key in this changing times. Weight is down again, I can tell by my clothes, it still amazes me that now I lose in stress where before I would eat through stress and gain at least 10-15 lb each things change.

The rain has also moved in the other day, it's hanging around for 1/2 of the weekend plus bringing in cooler more fall like temps. Sweaters are out as I'm freezing and I was thinking just yesterday I don't know how I'm going to cope with winter, but we'll take it as it comes. I also need to go shopping for a new winter coat as well because all my old ones I can almost wrap around me. I've been looking but nothing amazing has caught my eye yet!!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

A small glimmer of hope inside

a tangled web that has been woven. That's how I and where I feel my life is right now. It's not negative, it's not positive, but it's getting there piece by piece.

First of all I need to express my sincerest thanks to all my cyber friends who are there in spirit with me. I am reading the comments and thank you, thank you. A big cyber hug to you all, I feel the love :)

So yesterday afternoon soon to be xh called and wants to talk, uh oh is my first gut reaction. I said I'm at work, let's do this tonight, where I'm better equiped to deal with whatever he throws my way. Thank god he was being reasonable but it worked out. So I leave work only to find out that I've locked my keys in my car. Good grief, thank god my son has my spare pair and was just leaving school, so a small detour and we were on our way home...

I get home, we eat, then sit down to chat. It was a positive chat, more arrangements were/are being made by him. It's positive, moving forward in a manner that is acceptable to all parties involved directly and indirectly. I tell him I have a work function tonight, so I won't be home, no suspicions, just an ok. I've made arrangements for dinner to be provided for the kids, his job is to be there for them, I know now I will need to rethink this plan down the road these things come up time to time! Anyhow, at the end of the conversation I felt positive, the first time in quite a few days. My therapist called shortly after to check in on me, I'm good I tell her, we will see each other next week, unless another emergency comes up!! I'm in a good place again, the place I want to be. Happiness through this blur of rain that is coming down outside is what I am living. I can't wait for things to progress a little more, but I am patient and understanding (at least I hope I am) I will need to remember this the next time things don't go my way!! lol So Friday I am going on another date! I'm excited, except the date is to the football game, because my kid is playing and he's agreed to come along, how fun! Then we are going to grab a bite to's the right distraction at the right time. Life is fun again!!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I refuse

to become the agitator at this point in our lack of relationship! The times are trying and thank god my therapist agreed to see me as an emergency last night. After the weekend....I was definitely in need for some one on one time with her. So last night was a good session and it gave me alot to think about and things I need to get moving on and so forth. Thank god for my therapist, I don't think I could do this without her, she is my strength to keep me focused on what is going on. I feel sometimes it is just easier to give in and let bygones be bygones, but where will that leave me? Right back where I am now, miserable, unhappy and all that crap that goes with it. So I know deep down this is the right decision, not to be taken lightly or so quickly but it's been along time coming.

So we are back at square one with him moving out, it's the most aggravating for me, not sure how he feels about it, but I feel like we just moved 10 steps backward and he is using this as a means to try and wiggle back with me. I just don't understand it, I don't want to be harsh and mean but I just want us both to move on, this time for good. Why is that so hard to explain and get across to him??

My poor blog has turned into something of a daily crying session for me, I'm not miserable, in fact I'm in a very happy place in my life, but these obstacles that are coming up are just unbearable for now. I have a life, my life with what I choose to do with it now or in the future just seems so wide open to me, the thrill of what is to come and what decisions I will or will not make for my future are just the beginning of a new life for myself. Have I made these changes based on WLS and the things that have happened physically or mentally to me, partly, I will not deny that, but deep down our marriage has been in trouble for years, too many to count. I think it has just given me the strength to stand up and take notice of how miserable I am and finally do something about it. My children are the biggest supporters of my decisions and my soon to be xh is the biggest downer of them all :(

So starting over, it's an exhilerating and frightening feeling, that I am ready to deal with. I have alot of living to do and want to enjoy the next half of it much more than I enjoyed the first half!

Monday, October 22, 2007

It was a half and half

The beginning of the weekend was wonderful, until it all changed around 11am on Sunday morning. I had a great time Friday night on my date, the rain held off, my hair held on (thank god) and we had a nice dinner. He was such a gentleman and I got to know more about him and he about me. He was sweet and nice and a perfect person. I was on cloud 9 all through Sat. lol It actually felt nice to have someone to talk to and listen and not be judgemental or rude or derogatory. Sat was a great day, ds2 bowled excellent, ds1 won their football game, the weather was beautiful and we all had a great day....Sat night my gf and I hung out, watched a movie and just did girl stuff, which was a nice switch too!!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Friday finally

I'm a bundle of nerves....

This morning we had to run and get ds1 a knee brace so he can play football tomorrow. Then I almost forgot to give him the money for their field trip...oy vey what a morning. The rest of the day will be busy and then running again tonight. I'm very nervous about this date, but very comfortable with the person as we've talked quite a few times this week :) I'm not really looking for anything long term and I think he's not either so that is good! I know that sounds kind of weird but it's not where I am at in my life right now. Soon to be xh is moving officially the 1st of Nov. Well actually that weekend, he was approved for his rental. Other than that family life is chugging along.

DS1 also has one college visit this weekend, so we'll see what he thinks of this one. I am not going as I do not think it's a good choice, but him and his dad will have plenty of input on that one. You never know.

I got in my yoga this a.m. will unfortunately miss my elliptical at lunch as I need to make up time, but with this weather (hot, muggy, humid and rain coming) I don't need to get all sweaty at lunch anyhow today. Tonight will be a challenge enough to pull myself together!

After the rain this evening it is supposed to be a glorious weekend, cooler weather just in time for tomorrow a.m. football game. I know ds1 is excited to be back on the squad. After that me and ds2 are just handing out for the weekend, gettiing errands and whatever done! It will be a nice and quiet one for a change!!

Enjoy, autumn is here in the NE

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Middle of the week, middle of the road

No more has been said about xh moving out this Friday, I hope and hold my breath that things haven't changed. Communication is not one of our forte's these days so I hope he gets past it, because everytime I ask him something he comments back either one of two items, you don't boss me around anymore or I'm not here for you to talk to...UGH men!! lol

I sat down one on one with my little boy last night and had a talk with him, he was ok, said he was sad but agrees that it will be better without his father and I arguing all the time. I think we both came out of that conversation feeling much better.

I can't wait for my date Friday, I'm so excited and nervous at the same time. It's been a million years since I've been on a date, I don't think I even know how to act on a date. lol Maybe I should talk to the 17 yr old and get some pointers, oh on second thought maybe not :) Speaking of the 17 year old, he came home the other day with a nice noticeable passion mark on his neck....teenagers!! lol I asked him where he got that and he said in gym. I asked him if he bumped into a vacuum in gym...he was confused :)

I have to tell you though I am dealing with the seasonal disorder bad this year. I thought I might just miss it, but last night around 7pm it was pitch black and I was thinking it felt more like 11pm than7pm...I hate this early drives me crazy! I can't wait for dec 23rd when the sun starts shining more every day!

I have also decided that I am going to sell my home next summer. I know it's a big step but I think in the best interest of everyone I'm going to do it. It will be alot of extra care that I can't guarantee I will have time or money to invest in for the years to come. It's too big and too much $$ in maintenance and care. So I will start prepping this winter and hopefully be able to move by sometime next summer.

DS1 spent alot of time online last night with the college pages, I hope he is making more of a decision on where he wants to go and what he would like to study as we only have a little bit of time left before applications are due.

Christmas is also right around the corner, although technically we have over two months, I get so busy and time gets right away from me that it is here before I've done any shopping!

So on and on goes life..I feel good and am getting ready to go visit my elliptical whichI miss dearly....cheers

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Work is busy, enough said about that one.

Last night the soon to be xdh sat down with his son and explained his absences from the household. I held my breath the whole time, but it seemed to be a little ok, the boy said he thought something was going on and it explained alot of things for him. I want to sit down with him on my own and have a talk with him also. I haven't gotten any cardio in about 5 days other than the endless running of errands and some walking...I miss the elliptical. Weight routine has been changed drastically and I'm finally starting to see some's been about 4-5 weeks since I've implemented the new plan so I'm quite pleased so far with the results. Getting in your 40's and having WLS your skin looses alot of elasticity, so I'm dealing with alot of those issues right now!! I've been alternating the yoga and weight routine everyday so at least the exercise is ongoing. Also, I've noticed with a pair of slacks today that they are looser, plus the scale showed a 5lb loss since last week. I can't remember having that kind of loss since early out on this whole journey!!

Life is good, I am happy, xh is actually happy now too!! things are progressing...

Monday, October 15, 2007

Weekend recap

Wow I've been busy, almost too busy to stop by here!! lol The weekend was a beautiful, wonderful blur. I actually only logged about 10 hours of sleep between Friday morning and Sunday morning. By late Sunday I was feeling the effects. Friday night we went out dancing, saw my friends band and had a wonderful time. I met a great man, who is in fact taking me out to dinner Friday night. I know, I know, it's fast, but he's a nice guy and well he's leaving in a month, so I'm not looking for any long term commitment anyhow. Saturday was homecoming, we lost by 2pts, it was so close and what a great game played by both teams. Sat afternoon was chores and shopping, I was able to find some really great deals on fall and winter clothing and I took advantage of it to the hilt, I'm very proud of the nice little wardrobe I've been able to assemble in these purchases! Sat night was a friends party, then I went out with my gf to meet her new man. I felt like the third wheel but it was a fun night. Homecoming dance was also that night and my son looked so handsome. Here's a pic of us:

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Sunday was football and cleaning and wash...I was tired but managed to get to bed at a decent hour.

Exercised both days so that in itself was a plus!!

Friday, October 12, 2007

I will never understand

why people act the way they do. They tell you they like you and so on and so forth and then turn on you in a heartbeat. I experienced this with two of my close friends yesterday and I was shocked, horrified and very sad to see this happen to old friends of mine. Have i changed that much, that they feel they need to act like this? I don't think so, but with no explanation or anything it's hard to tell. I tried to speak with each of them about this, but totally was ignored and then later again but again totally ignored. Am I becoming a self absorbed blithering idiot as one put it so nicely! I don't think so, other's don't either....but who knows.

So I pumped up the exercise double last night, boy did I feel it this a.m. when I stretched with my yoga, I felt muscles I didn't know I had. I took out all my aggressions in my weights, poor weights :) I will have to say that I am glad that I have found exercise as a new outlet to stress and agression in my life. A year ago if this situation happened, I would have headed straight to a store and the pastry or candy rack. I would have loaded up and feasted to my hearts content in my car, but instead I went home and worked out...I went right upstairs changed and had at it. The feeling of releasing those feelings was more than enough to get me going and back in a better mood. So here I am, wondering if I still have two friends who I really like and feel are dear to me, maybe, maybe not...but at least I did the positive release instead of the negative.

So now to work and listen to the girls and their great lives all

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Middle of the week

and things are putting along. Soon to be xh is moving along with finding somewhere to live, suffice to say it hasn't been as bad as I expected with him around the house, but at some points very uncomfortable, he said he should be gone within the month. He was asking when I was filing, wow our state requires a six month separation first so you'll have to wait for that at least. Exercise is humming along, but I am missing my lunch workouts this week due to having to make up time that I missed. I have done some extra brisk walking at night but it's no where near the cardio exercise I get on the elliptical. So I needed something to make it up. DS1 starts his therapy on his leg on Thursday, I guess there is a slim chance he'll play next week, but we'll have to wait and see, this morning he is walking a bit better on it, I told him keep icing and stretching but not to strain and go all crazy with it!! I'm feeling very overwhelmed at work, lots to do but I'm trying to organize so it's going pretty smoothly.

That's about it, fall is coming, today is 80 and that's it, we should be in the 60's and low 70's by the weekend with lows down in the 40's I've really been looking forward to the feeling of fall with the leaves turning and the warm days followed by cool nights. I want to go to the pumpkin patch and do a hay ride, but both the boys looked at me like I am an alien so I guess I may not be going this year! we'll see if I can find someone who would want to join me. Also, I am wanting to dress up and go out to a Halloween party but I'm not sure that will pan out as the last weekend of this month when all the parties are I have college visits both Sat and Sun w/ much to do!! lol


Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Sleepy today

Last night was a great success, I felt like a million bucks and alot of the suppliers were very kind to notice and remark in favorable fashion to the weight loss. Last year I attended the trade show wearing a very nice two piece outfit, size 22...ouch! This year a svelte person entered the room wearing an 8 skirt and size S wine cardigan. In hindsight I should have gotten a picture but oh well. So I'm tired as it was a long night of working after a full 8 hour day, shows me I'm not as young as I think I am!!

Today I did my weights, although I really didn't feel like it, I am starting to notice some definition of muscle on the outside of my upper thigh, this is exactly where and what I wanted to happen. So that is a big yeah for that! Tonight I will have to get some sort of cardio in as I went to the doc with ds1 regarding his leg, he has a strained MCL so off to therapy for two weeks and hopefully he'll be back at it in no time on the field. I know he's anxious as there are five games left....This weekend is homecoming so we've been getting prepared for all of that also.

I have alot of work a sickening sinus headache with the cold front starting to move through and I'm tired...welcome to my Tuesday!! lol

Monday, October 08, 2007

Summer is not over yet...

So the calender says October 8th, but it feels more like July 8th here, hot and humid. Today's high should be around 87degrees. It's really hard to believe it's not July. The shorter daylight hours though is proof that it is. The weekend was great, busy and I'm thoroughly exhausted but full of fun and college visits. DS1 had his game Friday night downstate, a winner they were but with a injury to my ds, he has sprained his off to call the doctor today and see if I can get him in there. Sat was college visitiation all day out in the hot and humid sun and Sunday was a day of cleaning and relaxation. I can't believe how quickly the weekend flew by.

I did get some shopping done for new jeans, size 5-6 juniors...woo hoo...never in a million years, I literally had to look at the tag a millions times because I thought it was a typo or the number would I had fun Sat night catching up with some girlfriends for a night out of dancing and such. Burning the candle on both ends is not what I'm good at anymore, but it was fun!!

Lots of walking this weekend this a.m. and no more formal exercise today as we have our work trade show tonight. Should be another interesting day.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Taking control and letting go.....

I have done alot of soul searching both from the experiences I have been through this past few years and what is personally going on in my current life. I have devoted alot of time and energy into making a life that I am comfortable in. I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin, I am truly loving myself now and what I am morphing's all part of the broad picture that I have lived with for most of my life since teenhood. I used to think that there was a magic fat fairy keeping me the way I was, when in fact it was my own insecurities, and discomfort within myself and things that happened along time ago that kept me a fat, then morbidly obese adult. I have comforted myself with food. While some people can say they comfort themselves with drugs, or alcohol you wouldn't readily know this walking down the street and seeing them. With a person who comforts themselves with food, the proof is in the person, it's very evident who does and who doesn't. It's a stigma, a shame that we have lived with our whole lives. I can remember one time in 5th grade summer when I started gaining my mother would say, you must eat salad while the rest of the family sat down and indulged in a fat rich diet of hamburger without grease drained off or rich chocolate cake for dessert while I had a piece of fruit. To say this shame and stigma wasn't evident that early on would be a lie. I resented my mother and her manipulations at trying to make me healthy and thinner while feeding the rest of the family whole fat foods. It was ingrained in my chemistry from that point on. I would sneak spoonfuls of peanut butter, dip a finger or two or three into cookie batter, cake batter, frosting. Sneak handfuls of cookies or chips or whatever I could lay my hands on. In school I would trade my lunch of a healthy sandwich and fruit for a full fat chips, crackers, ice cream sandwich. Anything that was "FORBIDDEN" was my friend, or so I thought so. So in reality I was setting myself up for disaster thinking what I was doing was good for me, but in reality it was only retaliation for what my mother was trying to help me with. Had she eaten with me the same dish, maybe and just maybe I would have thought differently about this, but she didn't and 30 years later here I was entering the internet and starting my pursuit of WLS. I had gained and lost 400-600 lbs quite a few times over the next 30 years. The years of yo-yoing were destroying my body as well as my mind and psyche and the worst of it, I had no idea. I thought I was doing what a million other people were doing and I would resign myself to the fact that I was fat and was destined to be for life everytime another diet failed. Little did I know back when I first started doing research on WLS that this was a new beginning of my life. I was scared and kept it all private. I did not tell a soul, not my parents, best friend or even my husband and kids. I kept it all bottled up until 2 years later after a partial knee replacement that stopped me in my tracks and my first appointment the surgeon to see if I qualified for the surgery to sit down and tell my husband. I was ashamed and wracked with guilt that I could not simply lose the weight on my own. But at the same time something else was starting to materialize in my head, that I am not the only person in the world with this problem. The internet and it's world of resources has shown me many, many stories of successes and failures with this surgery, and that I am not ALONE...although at times I still felt that way. I would sit in the waiting room of the surgeons office and try to sit quietly and discreetly away from others, I would shun public places and city streets. I wanted to be "normal" and melt into a crowd, however the reality was I was morbidly obese and did not fit into this norm. People who were close saw the true me, the inner person with all her life and vitality, which was probably a bit overboard to compensate for the fact that she was fat. I hated getting ready for any event, whether it be a trip to the shore with the kids or a wedding. Nothing I bought hung right or looked nice as far as I was concerned. I shunned mirrors, building with windows which you could see your reflection. I did not look people in the face when I spoke with them, I would glance off over their shoulder or avert my gaze elsewhere. It was embarrasing and I was ashamed. Ashamed is a word that keeps popping's the reality of who I was and where my mind set was. So I had the surgery, went through the requirements, which all of them are in my blog, it's was humiliating at best but also totally necesary to get to the point I wanted to be. I had a plan, I had a dream, I am living this dream and making it a reality. The week of surgery, I came home 10lbs heavier, all bloated with IV fluids that constantlywere being pumped in my body, I was more ashamed than ever and felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life, I was gaining and not losing. I didn't know what to think or who to talk to, my skinny husband, the friend who didn't understand the parents who didn't even know yet. I kept it all bottled up and took it to support group. This is where I learned to love myself for who I am, they are my new "family". One of the first things you will hear a post op person say who is a bit down this road is that they rearrange your insides but not your head. This is a powerful message they are telling any pre-op or recently post op person. Take heed, listen to them, listen to what they are saying. Find yourself a good shrink and dietician, follow the doctor's directions, eat, sip, take your vitamins. This is a life altering surgery, one not to be taken lightly and one that cannot be turned off just because you don't feel like doing it anymore. So here I am almost 11 months out...I'm a new person on the outside, I don't always recognize the person that looks back at me in the mirror or a snapshot, however I will say I am getting more comfortable with this person and those instances are becoming more and more infrequent. I am finding out that I am living my dream, it is becoming a part of me and who I want to be. It's my reality. I'm pleased as punch, I blend in when I walk down the street, I look at the mirrors and the windows, I like what I see!! I am still battling those inner demons when stress rears it's ugly head, I wouldn't be human if I said I weren't. But the truth of the matter is I am in love with person I've become, I like her, she would so be my friend and lover or companion. I have learned to like the person I'm becoming, I'm even loving her most days. So I have come to the conclusion that I am taking control of my life and letting go of all that stands in my way. Unfortunately some people and things are not happy about this, but it is my reality and my dream of the life I want to live!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

And so it goes

I've not been blogging, not in my best interest to do so on a public nature lately. Things have been progressing but not at any speed or grace which I had hoped. There are alot of underlying issues that keep popping up and it is straining things at best.

I've been exercising, trying out new routines to target specific areas and such, the thighs, buns and abs being the areas I really want to concentrate on now and try to reduce some of the flabbiness I'm left with. I can feel it, so I would suppose that means it's working!! A big plus for me. Yesterday I had my one year check up with the cardiologist. He was thoroughly impressed with my progression and has released was a courtesy to him that I go, but with the racing heart symptoms I had in the hospital right after surgery I wanted to go too! He initially thought I was the drug rep in the lobby waiting to see him, how surprised when he walked into the room and found I was a patient. It still amazes me when I get a picture taken and I see it for the first time, I wonder who is that person who resembles me in there, I haven't quite gotten used to that yet.

So life goes on, it's not always the best of times right now, nor the israllying, weight is stable if not dropping a bit...and I'm positive that things will be better in the long run for all involved.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

It's not an easy road

I've been dealing with alot of stress lately, of course the stbxh isn't helping any. Yesterday I almost had a meltdown here at work. I'm not blogging much about it, but if I'm scarce that's why. He is not making this easy, or shall I say one minute it is easy and the next it's nasty. It's almost like he's exhibiting a bi-polar tendency. I'm sure this is hard on him also, but it is what is best for both of us. Anyhow, eating is good, I'm exercising more aggressively to try and stave off these feelings of stress and such....I'm coping but not the exact way I had planned on. I have alot of other things going on in life also with college visits starting this weekend and my friends are rallying around me to keep me busy and active so no down time....I need to schedule a long weekend, which is virtually out of the question now that we are starting the busy season...hopefully I can work out something. A quick trip to a spa for 2-3 days would rejuvenate and inspire me to move forward. Today's weight 145....stress is not my friend, I used to gain with stress now I'm losing and too fast!

Monday, October 01, 2007

Weekend and such

Life is chugging along...I personally had a good weekend, with a couple of bleak moments in there. STBXH was trying a little hard too late to make amends for things, yet this is coming off of a weekend out partying with whomever, wherever...I did not want to pursue an argument, but damn can't you get a clue...I've tried working this out, we've tried working this out and it isn't. I know it's hard, it's really hard on everyone involved but setting yourself up for disappointment after disappointment doesn't help any either. Anyhow, ds1 had a great football game a big victory for them!! DS2 had a great bowling day Sat and I had a great Sat night at a party with friends. Good distraction for me. I'm glad to be back at work though, isn't that sad.

So another week we are starting, another glorious fall day!! and a new workout that I developed for myself this weekend!! I feel strong and empowered and no one is going to take that away from me!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Day 2

This is now the start of the hard part, or so they say. I went to an emergency therapy last night and my doc was very glad I called her with this emergency session to get my feelings out there for me and her to help me through this. I am stronger is what I realized, I did not hold back and with that came a clarity that I knew was in there but the lightbulb went off. I don't like to make my posts so down and humdrum, but unfortunately this is my life right now. DH and I had a bit of a chat last night about it, or shall I say he yelled and I listened, again it is 100% my fault, he is willing to take none of the blame or share any of the responsibility for this falling out. hmmm takes two to tango comes to mind!

Anyhow, I felt good last night (except for these allergies which are driving me crazy) I actually felt sorry for him and the way he was acting, I'm sure the sad and depressed part will come soon, but right now I feel like a brick wall was liberated from my shoulders. It will be a struggle to become a single mother again but I did it before and I'll do it again...

I ran the elliptical at lunch yesterday, it's my best de-stressing tool right now, I ran so hard I did over 4 miles in 30 min....I was huffing it. Needless to say I had to quickly regroup and get back to work but man did it feel good, liberating is the word I love to use now. It gives me alot of time to think in solidarity and that is exactly what I need right now.

On a lighter note, a friend of one of my friends is considering wls...he's a great guy and I wish him all the luck with whatever avenue he pursues. I think he's a great candidate is doing it for all the right reasons. YEAH!!

Monday, September 24, 2007

I survived the weekend.......barely

I have to laugh, I'm on cloud 9 and yes the weekend was a total success. Surprise birthday party was pulled off without a hitch. She was so happy we were there because we had all bailed out on her during the week. LOL Football game Sat morning was a blowout for us, but still a good game. We lost but it was harder team and they played pretty darn good. Saturday afternoon was the first annual Bariatric picnic at the surgery center. It was alot of fun, but man was it hot and humid. I met alot of other people I hadn't before and my darling from downstate who had her LapBand on the 28th of August was there, she is doing great and it was great to see her up and about. She's down 40 lb already which is really great!! I'm so proud of her. Home to sleep for a bit then back out again that night with some really great people from the Nascar organization who were in town for the race this past weekend. We had a blast and it was nice to see my friends play that night too!! All in all a great weekend, Eagles killed the Lions, Cowboys beat my poor Bears but it was fun. I'm still recovering today and busy here at work.

Oh and best part, we weighed in at the picnic and recorded our weights, I hit an alltime low of 149.00 there. I have dropped 8 lb in the past two weeks!! WOOT!!! I'm almost there...size 6's are fitting nicely today.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Happy Friday dance

Is beginning for me today at noon. I've taken 1/2 day and lots to do to get ready for tonights surprise party. Thank goodness it's almost here as the secret be out soon, but not before the birthday girl knows it!! So a busy weekend in store, we have to prebowl ds2 so we can get up and go to ds1 football game tomorrow morning, after the party tonight this should be interesting, but fun. Tomorrow night is the 80's loop tomorrow night that we are considering going to and tomorrow afternoon is our surgery center annual picnic...Sunday is Football and my Bears are playing Dallas so it should be good game.

I have no extra time for extras enjoy your weekend....Fall starts Sunday!!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

10 months out

and everything has been great. I say this coming off a very bad night though, but overall the journey has been without any major problems. I weighed in this a.m. at 150.5 from 256.4 the day of surgery. So in the grand scheme of things 105.9 lb in 10 months is a great weight loss for any WLS patient. I am feeling great, have gotten off of all my meds (which were many) and my knees feel great, I feel great. I'm exercising like a fiend, which is the total opposite of myself one year ago today!! One year ago on my blog I attended my first Nutrition class, I was at a crossroads in my relationship with dh and was celebrating me, because I had taken the first steps to a new me!! Right now, writing this blog that part of my life seems like a lifetime ago and not merely a year ago. DH and I are actively in therapy (and it's still going great), I've had my surgery, making progress on the new me, introduced many new things into my life and have literally taken it back from the demons who were there trying to destroy it! I want to shout from the mountaintops that YES you can take it back and make the positive changes if you want to! My kids tell me when I pull out a old picture of me, "I don't remember you like that" it's an amazing feeling.

I have been one of the fortunate ones also, I can eat almost anything I want to. Meaning small quantities of sugars, low carbs and lots of protein and veggies. I love to eat again, things taste good to me, even if it is just one bite! Carbs in bulk do make me feel yucky in a sluggish, bloated kind of way, which is a good reminder that they are not your friend but only in moderation. I don't tempt myself with sweets like candy, cookies and things of that nature but other than that most foods are ok. Now I have to say this as a person who 98% of the time has no side effects from eating, food does not get stuck, no issues with foamies or feeling sick when I eat, but last night out of left field I was sitting down to watch a show I DVR'd...well about 10 minutes into the show bam it hits...I was feeling weak, heart racing a bit, and tired set in (this is my usual side effect) I did feel like I could throwup at any time (sorry TMI) but I never ended up doing I was sitting there I was rewinding through the day and when and what I ate throughout to see if I could pinpoint a trigger food. Well needless to say nothing was new (although we had wheat spaghetti w/sausage which we haven't done in a while) and I usually load up on meat and eat a few strands or noodles of the all in all I had to say the culprit was that...well I turned off the show, immediately changed for bed and went to lie down...ended up waking up this a.m. refreshed and ready to start the day, but what a bummer. I will tell you the tool still works well for you if you choose to use it wisely. I know I won't be tempted on the spaghetti noodle for a while (unfortunately that's how it goes for me) but I will be eating sensibly today and getting right back on the wagon. So it is a lifelong thing, for those who think it may pass you by, now granted not everyone has these episodes and for some you can eat anything and never get sick, but I'm grateful that my tool does work and let's me know to check myself at the door now and again...

So 10 months out and I am celebrating me! I live my life everyday and take what I can from it, it's an exciting thing to be out there and living like a normal person, I seem to blend into crowds or get nods and smiles from those I do not know. They see me as a regular person, not a formerly obese person. It's the greatest feeling in the world and asked if I would do it again I would say "In a New York second"

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

17 years ago today

at 5:55 a.m. my first child came into this world. I had to wait "in line" for a c-section after two days of unsuccessful labor. He was born at 36 weeks 2 days weighing in at a whopping 9lb 8oz and was whisked away to the NICU unit because his lungs were not fully developed. It's amazing to me that this was 17 years ago. Today he stands at 6'3" and is 185lb. He loves sports and is an all around athlete and scholar in school. He's interested in studying biomedical engineering (helping people develop limbs that were lost or taken) and he's such a great kid!! I'm so proud to be his mother!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Last night and almost three years ago

Last night after settling in to watch the Eagles eat it...I was thinking about the trips I just made up and down and up down the staircase...I think it was like 4-5 in a row...I was taking the stairs two at a time almost running up and back to October 2004 I was diagnosed with having no cartiledge in my right knee. To walk just across the room was just sheer agony, if I had to walk up the stairs I would wait until I absolutely had to, no up and down and up and down. In February of 2005 I had a partial knee replacement done but at a weight of 275lbs...OUCH talk about carrying the weight of the world on your knees. So after therapy was done and I was released to start exercise, now this was a grueling adventure that mostly consisted of walking, at a slow pace, my own pace with no extra effort put into the whole thing. I did manage to drop 25 lbs during this time, but it was really not that helpful, probably a little in hindsight but overall it didn't change the fact that I was morbidly obese. So off to Weight Watchers I went, in a whole year I was able to lose 19lbs...and then I proceeded to put it back on and then some....I'm sure alot of you who have had some sort of WLS surgery know this yo-yo dieting effect I'm speaking of!! Well anyway now to present day, I've run up and down these stairs 4-5 times last night in a row, I was just shocked and amazed and so happy of the fact that I could do it! I have come along way in this journey and it's only just beginning!!