Tuesday, December 30, 2008

2008 was a year for...........

rediscovery and growth for me.

As I have decided and decided how I wanted this year end review go, looking back over this year the one thing that stuck out to me was I dated ALOT!! OMG....I have grown tremendously through all this dating too, put myself out there as I have never done before and have learned it is ok for two people to hit it off and that is about it!! lol

January - I was still seeing M, but the end was looming already from what I could see. After the excitement of the holidays passed we settled into an unsettled relationship, although we both stuck it out until May, when I finally broke it off, it was alot of emotions and not all happy for either of us.

February - Valentines Day, one of my least favorite holidays next to NYE!! What can I say, it wasn't what I thought it would turn out to be.

March - Yes a cold and memorable month. The oldest got himself into a heap of trouble and well shall we say he had a big lesson learned.

April - The beginning of Spring and the beginning of me realizing truthfully I was a much better person inside and out than I had given myself credit for. I was moving forward in my life, ready to really try some new things...

May - My birthday, turned into a day about him, ugh!! That was about it...3 days later it was over forever. The end of the month brought the unofficial start to a whirlwind summer for me but first my oldest DS graduated from high school, 15th in his class, talk about a proud mama!!

June- I met a new guy, K.....it was lust oh sorry, infactuation at first sight!! WOW I really liked him....or so I thought!

July - I breezed through life, seeing K off and on hanging out with my girls and learning that the people who I thought were my good friends really weren't.

August - Brought in the heat and humidity and a realignment of my life. K and I were done forever, I lost two very old friends, not as good as I thought they were but long time friends. I had quite a few doors shut in my life this month and I learned alot from these situations.

September - The beginning of school and the busy season for me at work. The end of the month landed me in the emergency room with a hernia....UGH!!

October - Came on with surgery right away and out of work for a few weeks. I enjoyed the late summer/early Autumn weather with my time off....and was alone for the first time this year...ooopss I spoke too soon, I met W this month, we hit it off tremendously....the infactuation was unbelievable but could the relationship last the 90 miles one way driving distance that was between us.....

November - Back to the holiday season in full swing.....Turkey day spent at my dad's and W showing me that holidays are not that important to him, of course at the time I thought it was because we both had to work that Friday.

December - Back in crunch time, the mdse was slow rolling in, Christmas presents were not purchased, wrapping not done and we all got sick!! UGH....we managed to purchase, wrap and enjoy a very Merry Christmas but there was no W in my life, from the 21st to this very day, the 30th I have not seen him in person, I have spoken with him via text a few times and not even a phone call....WOW is all I can say.

So as I close another year in my life, I have found that I have grown immensely...I am closing not only a year, but my first full year of maintaining an unbelievable weight loss, I am closing the door on old people in my life, I am closing the door on yet another relationship that bombed. I am also opening as many doors as I am closing with quality people.....I am still a healthy person, I am generally happy and upbeat and well I am having fun......

So with that Happy New Year to all fellow bloggers.....my life in 2008 was a whirlwind of a ride and I expect 2009 to be the same but hoping to settle down a little in my life!! CHEERS!!!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

It's almost over...........

2008 is drawing to a close, Christmas is done and in my past. I had my tv picture die Christmas morning, my computer died also the day after. What could possibly be right in my world? I had my children home, my health, my family and 4 days off!! lol We have done so much, visited so many and well just have been doing things. Today I got some cleaning, some much needed wash and no groceries purchased....I go back to work for 3 days and well I need a little normalcy in my life right now. We have another 3 day week which is perfect but then again the next holiday is the worst for me, it brings with it a reminder of a failed marriage as my anniversary was new years eve.

I have grown so much this year as a person, not just someone who went through WLS and came out a victor, defied the odds which seem to be dwindling to less long term survivors of actual loss than not. I was just speaking with someone in my support group this week regarding the number of people who remain a success is lower than it was a year ago, this really saddens me as this is FOREVER. This is not a quick fix, we go through such alot to get to the point of insurance approvals and whatnot to just throw it away with overeating, eating the wrong things or whatever it is to allow yourself to go back and gain weight! I am mad too at people's lazy attitude that this will fix you and you never have to do anything to help it along! BS, that is all I can say. I have worked hard, eating right, exercise, of course there are days when I let both fly out the window but overall I work at this, I was given a tool and have learned how to use it, and make it work for me. At 2 years out I am still amazed that I am maintaining a 135-140 lb body, from a former fattie, 260 or so lbs tipping the scales. Now I know some of you who read regularly say, yeah 260 she was a lightweight, but it didn't come without the complications of a partial knee replacement, high blood pressure, reflux, and assorted other ailments that have all but left me completely. I find solace after a trying day in yoga, exercise, pumping it up, letting my body guide me not me guide the body as I was before. I'm still springing up and down my stairs at home which sometimes still amazes me as before I could barely get up them without either one - being winded or two - being in tremendous pain from the bad knees (even after surgery).

I have been through a divorce (and not a nice one at that) I have moved the ex out of my home, life and dependancy. I have made it through lay offs at work (which I hope are done) I have made it over 2 years on my own now, through weight loss and being my own provider for me and my children. I have found out that I can do this on my own, without the help of a man, I don't need a man in my life. I have become independant, happy and full of life. I have been through many ups and downs in my dating life this year. Finding myself falling back into the same rut of dating the wrong people, the unemotionally available ones, finding the strength to walk away from these toxic relationships sooner rather than later. I have found myself, the girl who was lost and hidden inside of myself, the girl that this blog is about, the girl who was hiding inside of me all these years, hidden by layers of fat and grief and putdowns, emotional abuse and just things that I have did or allowed myself to become. I have broken free one layer at a time, but who is emerging is a new and different person, one is alot stronger than I ever thought she could be, one who is capable of forgiving, loving and giving back even when it is not given in return. I have peeled off layers and found that the girl I thought was in there is actually someone alot different but I love her just the same if not more! :)

There are alot of blogs where I have touched on this subject. Again, I was faced with disappointment by someone I care for, someone who I had allowed in my life to share things with, I was hoping he was the one, but then again on the 24th, my gf showed me something (which was later denied as to happening) and that broke it for me, I am sad, grief has been a big thing for me this year of 2008, but with all this grief I have grown, grown stronger, grown up in more ways than I could ever imagine. I have lost lots of people who I thought were good in my life, but have found twice as many new ones that are more positive and enrich me in ways I never knew were possible.

So to all who have touched my life, whether in real life, on the internet, whether you ever comment or just read and support me from near and afar, I raise my glass to you, may you have the best holiday season and I wish you and yours Happy Holidays! Let 2009 be everything you set out to make it!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I am ready

As ready as I will be for this Christmas and tonight, the 22nd at 9pm realized that I do not have a gift for my father!!! WTF is that about! we are due there tomorrow at 5pm.... Thank goodness I have the inside scoop we are out at noon tomorrow.. I cannot for the life of me think why I forgot my father since him and I are closer than my mother and I!! Talk about stress....I'm ready to relax, enjoy some of the Patron one of my customers gave me and just chill.....

Anyhow, the holidays, a time for giving and not getting. A time for remembering that the reason for this season is....well depending on your beliefs may be varied..anyhow, I'm leaning towards the good will to men, but of course that won't happen, so I hope the family and friends make it a good one for me!!!

I will have more tomorrow as I'm drained...beyond belief!!! goodnight!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Great weekend and how can I be so tired still....

What a great weekend and I'm still tired. Wokeup late, fooling around here on computer instead of getting ready :)

I am about 1/2 wrapped for christmas, of course I know I will get done but man! Went down around 2pm on Sat to my guys we went to dinner at his sisters then off to the local pub to watch the Ravens beat Dallas....So I got to meet his family, I know he doesn't want all the stories of his sordid past leaking out but....it was fun and we had a great time! Of course his sisters all want some form of WLS but not sure so there were tons of questions fielded my way. Got a call early Sunday morning, his sister fell down her back steps, ICE!! owie so we were hanging out in the ER for about 5 hours Sunday! Then we went down to the ocean and did some outlet shopping, let me tellyou the deals amazing, did anyone have anything in my size? NO!! I ended up with one beautiful sweater and that's it. We did go to eat and I got home around 10pm last night!! OY!!

I'm exhausted, didn't want to get up and it's a balmy 10 degrees out!! Yeah 10, brrr I'm frozen! so I'm off to get ready and hopefully stay awake today! thank goodness for short work week!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Just sipping coffee and........

trying to figure out how I am going to get eveything that needs to be done in the next two days done! I have the shopping done, I will wrap tomorrow while watching some football! I have to pickup two more items that I remembered when I got up this a.m. but there are close and it's easy! I am going downstate later today, to spend time with my guy and I have a turkey from work I need to cook too at some point! I've got cleaning, wash and just the regular things to accomplish also, plus at some point I need to get to the grocery store (BAD)....life is just too busy and we wonder why we get all stressed out at Christmas!! HA

I do love this holiday, the pretty lights, the comraderie that comes out in people, but the busyiness and rush, rush that I put myself through year after year is probably not good for me. I will say though last night I was able to accomplish a tremendous amount of shopping and although I was tired, I was feeling good the whole time! I love to give, I don't expect anything ever in return and just love to pick out that special something for someone. Anal me, I go with a list, add and subtract as I am shopping and keep everything in order so the boys are even and everything else. Today, I'm off to Best Buy, Wii is on the list as the last BIG gift for the family. I know I am going to enjoy this as much as they will!

So, cup of coffee number 2 now and I'm off to the races!

Enjoy the weekend!

Friday, December 19, 2008

The shopping is..............

DONE!! Yeah...wrapping on Sunday! I'm tired and going to bed, another long day ahead tomorrow!

Good night!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

2 1/2 years is way too long


We finally got together after two long years...it's amazing what we both have been through. I used to weight 260, she had long, wild hair and now the whole scenario is different. I've missed her although we've kept in touch in email and phone. She is going through the worst crap a person can, two types of breast cancer and she's only 30....humbles those who think they have it all, and yes she's still smiling! I was so happy last night!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Hump Day

The funeral was beautiful, one of the old friends of all my grandparents, their sisters, brothers and other friends sang..She is 94 and still sings like a bird it was beautiful. We stopped by my grandparents grave after the graveside service, it was nice to see them again! Then off for light refreshments. So we get into the CC and there was stuffed shells, roasted turkey, roast beef, rice, veggies...um where are the light refreshments. No wonder the US of A is obese, we call a full blown dinner menu light refreshments!! HA....I saw more cousins that were unable to come up for my grandmother's funeral, they didn't know me either!

Work was a day of catchup yesterday....amazingly it went smooth and easy! I'm glad because I was still tired and not really up for the challenges sometimes the job can bring!

Last night I was talking with my guy (he really needs a name, but anyhow) he has informed me now I am meeting his family sat night at a dinner. Ok, shock and well now I know, we are definitely moving on to the next step here. It's been 2 1/2 months, I've been on the fence but will not baby him like past gf's and whatnot, so I guess the tough love is keeping him around, or maybe it's just me :) LOL Now I'm nervous and of course I was going to spend Friday night and Sat preparing for christmas with shopping! OY when will I get done, well I have Friday night still and Sat up until around 1pm....good lord I hope I get enough done Friday night!

The ex is home, been home almost a week now, he leaves Sat I believe is what I am told....I could care less, there is virtually no communication with him at all...which is good, he is learning I'm over it, he needed toget over it too!

So now I must get ready....the rain is here, thank god because I was thinking it would be icy this a.m. but it's not yeah!!!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Funeral day

I've had two funerals this year. Both from my mom's side of the family. Not the way I want to spend my Monday, but alas it's here. I love the aspect of getting to see family whom I don't normally get to see regularly but do not love the whole funeral thing. I like to remember someone when they were living, a happy moment or cherished memory with them. A former co-worker who has cancer (it's riddled through her body) son called us at work last week, hospice has been called in...the verdict, less than two weeks. Well two weeks would be christmas day. This particularly wonderful woman is a tough lady, a real fighter who has been fighting, bone, breast and lung cancer and now it's in her brain! Sometimes I don't understand the reasons behind why some get and some don't.

Yesterday was a full and fabulous day. My oldest son spent the whole day with us, he took us to see The Day the Earth Stood Still, alot better than the trailers and I really enjoyed the movie! Then out to lunch and a little shopping at the mall. I bought him black dress pants, black shirt and red tie, he is taking his gf out to dinner for Christmas. I think he is a very special person, very sweet and considerate and a true romantic...she is one lucky girl. He bought her a beautiful bracelet and necklace yesterday too, silver with tiny heart pendant and also the heart pendant on the bracelet too. It's beautiful, she will love it!

Last night I met up with some friends to enjoy some football, end of a great Ravens/Pittsburgh game and the beginning of the Giants/Dallas game. Tonight is Eagles....lots of great things going on in life!!

Sunday, December 14, 2008


The oldest is taking us to the movies and I did manage to sleep in a bit more than yesterday. Still a little raw on the side but overall feeling better. 1/2 of the front lawn lights decided they don't want to work anymore either! LOL

Warming up a bit today to...i think I heard 50 maybe....rain the rest of the week though, not good for the soreness that is still here...

It's football day too....not sure if I will get to watch much though...


Saturday, December 13, 2008

Added some new pics

to the bottom of the blog....So if you don't usually scroll down....please do and enjoy! I had a bad night of sleep. Been up forever and was fooling around with my pics. I'm really sore again today and I'm sure I'll be napping later. But for now, pics.....

Took another pain pill this a.m. along with the third cup of coffee...yes it's only 5:24 a.m. and I am wide awake!! I wish I had this energy on the work days! lol

Back to playing around with more pics and such!!

Friday, December 12, 2008

What a trying day

I am still hurting...my side especially. The wrist seems ok but the side..owie still

I am sure to have black and blue marks soon, a couple of shots of Jack tonight and all will be well! lol I can't worry about this, but damn I wish I were in my honey's house right now soaking in his whirlpool tub!!

So we are trying to create a great Christmas scene at home...I found this...


but we ended up with this....

and this....

and I am very pleased with it all.

I can't wait to finish Christmas shopping, of course like all those who are waiting for the last minute, yes I will be joining you once again this year as I just worked out the finances to allow me to shop next weekend...so yes, Virginia (or shall I say David and Nick) there is a Santa Claus!!

I am listening to Tori Amos - Winter, it's freezing here. I am enjoying this weekend once again...oh on a side note, one of my friends from TX invited me to join them in Vegas this weekend at the Hard Rock...geez why couldn't they have told me a week in advance...I would have loved to visit Vegas...never been but I am going to get there sooner or later...I hope sooner!!

So off to enjoy this weekend, pains and aches and all!

Clumsy me

Last night I was trying to unload the car and slipped and fell hard on the driveway! OUCH, I hit my right side, wrist is swollen up really bad, the whole right side of my torso (ribs area) and my right knee (yes, the bad one). Last night I iced the wrist and put heat on my torso. After a turbulent night of sleep I am even more sore this a.m. Of course I knew this was going to happen, but I'm going to whine because it hurts!!

So all the plans for the weekend, in limbo right now. I have a friend in VA asked me to visit for the weekend, I don't think I could drive that far at this point!

My great aunt passed on Tuesday evening, she was a tough old lady, my grandfather's sister and another instance of longevity in my family, she was 94 years old. I believe her sister, still living is going to be 97 in March. Monday is the service and the family is starting to arrive tonight. So I have a busy weekend anyhow, just not sure how well I will be able to function.

The rain has finally stopped. The lord rained down on us yesterday and last in torrents, much needed I'm sure but very hard to drive and navigate around yesterday.

Ok, my wrist is hurting so I'm going to have to cut this short.....more later

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Trying week and life is just blah

It's been a trying week so far and it's only Wed morning! How does this happen? It seems to sneak up on your out of nowhere, but it needs to be dealt with. Co-workers and personal friends are all in this mix. I've been down and out again....not alot of great things going on in my life, in fact it seems right now just the opposite, of course everyday I seem to know someone else who is getting laid off or let go from their job too. Being a single mom on a single income with no child support it's scary. Even unemployment wouldnt' be 1/2 my salary now a week....

It's just a bit overwhelming right now.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Monday's again

I can't believe this weekend is over! Done, another one bites the dust. I am hoping for a more relaxing one next weekend I guess. I don't feel like i sat down and just enjoyed even one time! I was so tired last night I literally dropped in bed at 9:15...WOW

So back to the grind and everything it entails!

Sunday, December 07, 2008

This can be yours......


Saw this being sold at a local music shop yesterday. Now you can own your own replica of the Charlie Brown tree. Of course the show is a must see every Christmas, but do we really need to own the tree!

Christmas is here....

at my home...I'm fully decorated inside and somewhat outside. It snowed yesterday so that put a small change of plans on the outside, but I'm going to fight the wind and cold later today and get it done! I feel good and it's pretty...later I will take pics! I love christmas and am truly getting in the spirit of it this year. I think I did the whole christmas for my children last year but wasn't into it as much as previous and current year!

So did I say it's was cold...brrr this a.m. 14 chilly degrees. I had to dig out the heavy duty pj's. These are the mornings when I miss a warm body in bed to cozy up with!! Someday when it's right it will be back in my life!

Weight loss, I am doing great. Back to exercising, yoga mainly and I'm losing those inches and have dropped about 5 lbs in the last month. I went to my two year checkup the only big problem is the blood pressure is back up. Even with the exercise and weight loss so I had to go back on my meds for that. It is very severe in my family so I actually expected to once things leveled out for me. I've lost and kept off 126 lb since I had my surgery 11/20/06. I felt very accomplished and feel and look great! I need some new pics of me too! I still have a hard time believing that I used to be a 22-24 and now am a size 6 on most good days! lol it's the best feeling in the world. And the reward is that I have learned to use the tool and apply it in my everyday life now. I can fluctuate up and down within a reasonable rate and I'm not a scale whore like when I first had the surgery. I can tell by clothes and immediately correct or modify something to keep myself in check. I was reading back about my earlier experiences and sometimes even that is a distant memory although it was only two years earlier. It's really a medical miracle for me!

Yesterday I went shopping with my sister, scouting out some possibilities of gifts and other things. Picked up a few necessities and tried on tons of fabulous clothes. We have this little shop near us called Tiger Lily, it's owned by a former Miss Delaware, it's ecletic and girly and fun and they have the most amazing things in there from bags to shoes to accessories and clothes! I would love to have a PT job there and be surrounded everyday by the goodies!

Today is a tournament and football, I'm cleaning and almost done the wash and we are just going to relax later! Thinking about some gingerbread......and I do need get to grocery store at some point! Enjoying the rest of the weekend, back later with some pics!

Saturday, December 06, 2008

OMG it's been forever

or so it seems since I've been here last...I wish my blogging were more consistent like when I first had my WLS. Ok 2 years. what do you say, what can you possibly help to people out there who are just starting out or close to getting their surgery! OMG i can remember totally freaking out the night before surgery. I was totally pertified. like I couldn't believe I was about to do this, rearrange my insides to make me a happier, health(key here) person! and yes it has happened. Even today, Ijst forget sometimes that i had the surgery, it's easy to do. I've been healthy with a short breath with internal hermia surgery...nothing to get excited about because they just don't get it! lol So two years ago, I weighed in at a whopping 268...today I'm a secure 140ish..give or take a few lbs...and i 'm so secure in my life and my choices that it isnt' even an issue...ok so I have some bad days now and again..yes we all do..my pouch still works it's regulated by size and that is a good thing! Don't overindulge dont' be an idiot and it's all good! lol my little wisdom for tonight...and yes the wisdom police are watching!!

Monday, December 01, 2008


Was that a fun weekend. Monday morning here and I'm exhausted. I layed around all yesterday watching football and napping on and off...not too much excitement there, but Sat drove 2 hours to wedding which was beautiful, then 1 hour back to christmas party with my guy. We ended up getting a hotel room there as we were both in no condition to drive home...smart us! Home Sunday morning for breakfast and the couch!!

Had a wonderful time, weighed in this a.m. after all that wonderful eating and the verdict...3 lb loss!! Somedays it just is good!