Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Alot of thoughts and they are all jumbled up

So I will not be able to attend the OH convention on Sat. This is a real bummer for me as I wanted to connect with those who have gone before me and inspired me on my journey to WLS and the benefits that have come my way. Truly there are those out there that inspire me still to this day to maintain the quality of life that they sought those many years ago! I too am now a success story but I still look to those who walked the path before me to guide me and give me great advice throughout my journey. As you who are new and starting out we all once were in your shoes and there are those who I just turn to for advice and to see if they are in the same circumstance as me! Again with this hernia surgery I have been scanning the masses (ok the few blogs I follow) to see if any of those who walked in my shoes before me have experienced this and the resounding answer; YES!! amazing. So I go on in the daily routine of being right now.....no exercise (which is driving me crazy) unless you count the walks I take. I'm restless, beyond belief....would I ever imagine I am writing this...the resounding answer NO....so me and Amy Lee (Evanscense) are just trudging through life right now and we are not happy campers.

So here we are almost two years out, I've been thinking alot about this. The whole phenomenom of surviving, succeeding and then bam problems. I have had literally no issues since surgery. NONE, NADA, ZILCH, ZIP....so where is this coming from. To put me in check, to give me a reality check, put me in my place, give me the reality check that I have been needing for awhile.

So this is alot to think about, to realize that life is not perfect but still there is hope....no there is hope...because for me this is just another roadblock, detour and learning experience in my new life.

Mucho confusing

After alot of dates, times and hospitals we were finally able to pin down a time, date and place to have the surgery....geez

Friday, 6am bright and early I will be in town at my local hospital (the one I want), originally it was tomorrow, but someone couldn't do it, then they made it Monday, the doctor said too long to wait, so we all settled happily on Friday morning. While that totally blows for my weekend, it has to be done!!

So to my fellow bloggers that I was going to meet, I'm sorry, but I have to get this done....and we will all meet soon!!

Now it's time for another pain killer and off to find some food my tummy can tolerate!!

Monday, September 29, 2008


Is the day I go under the knife. Unfortunately now I probably won't be able to attend the OH convention on Sat....damn!!!!

more to follow

Today is the day

That I find out when the surgery will be. Seriously I probably should have gone to the hospital late yesterday as I was in more pain again, but I took the meds and sucked it up. Probably not the wisest thing to do but it's what I did. I took more pain meds this a.m. and am going to attempt work, not sure what I will wear as anything binding causes tremendous pain also. So that is my challenge for today and oh to get as much work done as possible. I hope I can handle it, I truly am not sure as yesterday I literally laid around like a sloth. Sat other than my date which consisted of sitting at a restaurant, walking in apark a bit and then sitting on the couch watching a movie I really didn't do alot and turned that into tremendous night pain. This is serious folks and I hope you don't ever have to experience it. But, if you do go to the doc, don't wait! It's the only piece of advice because it's not going anywhere. You can have a hernia for years and it will cause no pain, but if the pain and nausea come go get help immediately. Ok off my soapbox, I have to get ready!!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

The verdict is in

I got a call from the surgeons office yesterday afternoon on my way out the door for my date. Talk about timing. Well evidently the hospital sends out the CAT's to whomever is on duty (whereever this may be) via computer, and yesterday when the radiologist at my hospital came on duty he re-reviews them. Well he found something, promptly called the surgeon sent my scan via email to them and yes they are seeing it too. What is it you may ask? A hernia...no fun, excruciating pain and well I felt twinges of it now and again yesterday when I turned or twisted too far one way. If I make it through the weekend then I am free until they schedule surgery, otherwise if it flares up then I'm in the OR immediately. The doctor said he could be there in 28 min if I get another bad case to go right in and page him on the way. This is serious and I'm pretty far into it I guess. I dont' know alot about hernias, but I will be reading up on it I'm sure really soon here.

So my date was wonderful, although I was totally preoccupied by the recent news. How do you put it out of your mind? Well I did manage but it took a little while, horrible to dump this on someone on your third date with them...ahh the joys of dating!! Ok I'm off to web md, and hopefully today will be smooth sailing.....

Saturday, September 27, 2008

It's finally here

my Sat date day!!! yeah....

And it was almost ruined by yesterday. At lunch I was eating two bites of salad when I immediately dashed off to the ladies room and was sick. Well then I turned white and thought I was going to pass out so I sat down in the waiting area for a bit and well tried to pull myself together. Well it was everything I could do to drive myself home and I promptly got sick again. Every little sip I took would come right back out. What am I thinking, blockage!! boo. Well I layed down and slept, hoping maybe it would work it's way through, the pain was excruciating, never in my life have I had so much pain. So I am now waiting for my oldest son to get home from school and I totally forgot he had an exam from 5-7pm. Well the minute he came in the door I had him take me to the ER. Fun, fun....Well they set me up, in the room immediately and I had blood drawn, IV started (as I was getting very dehydrated at this point) and then I had to drink the nasty Gastrobond, for the cat scan. I had to wait 1 1/2 hours after I drank to get the test run so the liquid would run through the intestines...YUCK!!! Around midnight I was whisked off to the Cat scan and they found nothing!! NOTHING wrong, but I was still in pain. They called my surgeon and he said that it had nothing to do with the WLS (thank god) and that I could possibly have a pinched nerve in my lower back muscles or the beginning of appendicitis, so they sent me home around 2am with meds and I slept, I feel a little better today, still a bit sore but nothing I can't manage to move around with.

So today, is date 3, I am excited and we aren't doing anything strenuous so it should be fine. He told me yesterday that he misses me, that he is having feelings and it's all a bit crazy and soon...we'll just see where it goes!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Rainy weekends

Another noreaster is headed our way, we will either have a washout or nothing much at all, who knows as mother nature has her way of playing us like that.

Plans are being made for Sat. The kids are all taken care of and I am free. Now just to find out what is going on....there is an Indian festival, sounds corny but I love authentic Indian food, curries and all that..YUM!! So maybe venture over there and check it out, maybe not. A scrabble match is in the making, yes I love scrabble, the english major in me is wanting a good matchup, maybe this will be it! lol

Hints of the past year are out there, it's been a wild ride I've been re-reading some journaling and OMG what a whirlwind it's been, crazy, fun, sad, horrible, anxiety and well it's my life, as nutty as is it. I wanted to put together a synopsis but I am not sure I have it in me to sum it all up. There is alot...oy!

I'm thinking of a new blog, yes we've all thought of this now and again, this one had great intentions at the beginning, WLS blog, the ups and downs the ins and outs and now that we are getting further and further out with no major complications it just seems stale, not always alot to write about with the WLS processes anymore...I will have to think about this more too

I am feeling the winds of change under my feet, not sure where this will lead me, but you can follow if you chose.....

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The pressure is on......

Depending on what my mates agree too.......omg

Im going wth it ....so..........

Wednesday because what other day would it be????

So much has happened to me in this past year. Can I put it all into words. Of course I can , but I do I want to, NO

Sad as it may seem this is what I want...stayed tuned for the next post.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

First day of Autumn

And the weather is changing and so is my life.

The x is going back to Fl again, I think at this point I wish he would make up his mind because it's very sad and confusing for our son. He told me he was leaving again in front of ds2. DS2 told me later in the car that he heard that news for the first time just then and he asked me if his father really cared about him? What do you say? My relationship with the ex has sometimes been very bad, I really take the stand that my children can figure their father's relationship with them out theirselves. I was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place? What do you say that will soothe the child without lying to yourself and breaking your own rule? Such is life if he wants to leave or stay that is his choice, but stop becoming the yo-yo that your life is and try to find a job and settle somewhere.

So the first full day of autumn. There has been alot of change in my life in the past few months, the end of yet another short relationship, the start of my one son in college, the birthday that allowed him to become an adult, school starting for the other son, my divorce becoming final, the possible end of yet another friendship (because I can't give more) and what have I gained from all of this besides a spinning head? I've grown, I'm learning, I'm becoming and I'm moving forward. After thinking last month at the end of the last relationship that I'm not going to be starting this anytime soon, well maybe I will eat my own words maybe not, I'm going to see G again, I'm going to see where this may or may not go, I'm going to put myself out there and bear my feelings, my soul and my life. Put it all out there on the line and if it becomes it does. I have a good feeling but again I've had those before. The difference this time? I've grown, I've become and I am speaking up early for what I believe, want and love. I'm not compromising, I'm not just there in the relationship, being somewhat emotionally unavailable as I have also been in the past. I chose men in the past to deal with life how I wanted to, which really wasn't much. I wasn't ready, am I now? Who knows, but I'm different, I can feel it in how I am, how I act, what I say, how I think.

Lastly, I want to touch on my weight, it's up a bit, I am sticking on the high end of my 5 lb fluctuation. I don't want it to grow more, but I do want to be cognizant that it's sitting there and has been for quite a few weeks. I've had quite a few emotional weeks and well I'm outside my 18 month window (as the doctor's suggest) I know I can drop these 5 if I try really hard, I do want to but I also want to be true to myself. I haven't really been weighing myself lately, in fact I suppose it's almost been a month since I did weigh myself. Am I disappointed to see I'm sitting here? Not really, I'm exercising still, eating as healthy as I can right now, I feel good, look good and well I need to become comfortable with this whole process, because that is what it is. It's another learning phase in my life, how to eat and maintain. It's hard, no wonder all those skinny girls are always on a 'diet', it's how they maintain their sleek physique. Do I want to be the skinny girl, no I don't, I just want to be me, normal!

Monday, September 22, 2008

As I approach two years out

and I know I have read this before but here is my take on it. I started this blog pre-WLS to help me and possibly others in their journey. It's alot different than I first expected. Had I written a journal entry of my expectations and how I thought i would feel at this point I'm sure it would have been totally different than the reality. As I am approaching my two year point, my weight is stable, my labs are good, I feel great and I have a new life. This is all what I wanted but not the way I wanted it to happen, I've been through a divorce, I have lost many, many good (or supposedly) friends along the way, I've met new only to discover they aren't who I am.

And that brings me to the big question, one I've been pondering alot lately, "Who am I?", "What do I want out of life and in my life?". I really have lived in the shadow of others tremendously the past few years, not good. I've had to rediscover my passions, wants, needs and who I am. I have had to dig deep, I've put myself out there to date again, only to pull myself off the market. Why, I wasn't ready. I really didn't know about me enough to share with another. I am definitely growing and learning and leading a totally different life than I did a mere two years ago. And to be honest at this point it's all good, yes it's been rough, alot of soul searching and well alot of mistakes made along the way. But all in the interest of good.

Through this all, my family and remainder of freinds have been super supportive, that is what means the most. My health is improving all the time, I am doing things I never imagined before I would accomplish and well, I'm happy. I smile, alot. I laugh, sometimes loud. I enjoy, getting up in the morning. I have taken back life and am pushing through.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Things have been busy

and my computer crashed in the midst of it all. Here's a quickie of what's going on in life...

I have ended my friendship/whatever you may want to call it with K....it's over
I never wanted to date again...
My dad set me up on a semi blind date for this Sat....hmmmm(so much for never dating again)
My friends from TN are in town tonight through Sunday, I can't wait to hang out with the guys!!!
I spent last weekend in Annapolis, alone, by myself enjoying the peace and serenity
I love going to the Y now, I'm really getting pumped
I'm eating much healthier
I'm getting muscles!!
and abs...lol
I can't believe it's almost fall...I love the season change but that's it
I am enjoying my life again
I am working and putting myself outside the box so to speak of comfort level with some degree of success
oh and I'm officially divorced now!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Been dark

My computer was down, now it's fixed be back tomorrow with more!!

Sunday, September 07, 2008

A great weekend

Even though Sat was a complete washout with the rain, it still was a nice day to hang out with the boys. I never made it to the gym on Sat, but went to the AHA Heartwalk today and then to the gym. Home for football!! Yeah, football is back...got lots of wash done, some cleaning and general stuff around the house to get ready for the week ahead.

We are settling into our school routine, thank god. The xh is home, for now, he's threatening (or at least that is how he perceives it) to pack a uhaul and move to FL. My thoughts on this....good riddance. He just doesn't get it, the further away from me he is, the happier I am.

So it's Sunday night, the house is semi done and I'm feeling good about things, myself and life again.

Friday, September 05, 2008

It's Friday again

Where did the week from h*ll go?? I'm glad it's over and need to have a more positive weekend than last.

Hurricane Hanna is rolling in here tomorrow. I did manage tonight at the gym, lower body workout and then the running machine. I think I love the running machine...3 miles in 25 min...yeah I was pumped.

Off to watch a movie with the boy and enjoy a quiet evening alone at home.

oh and I'm single again :(

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Life as I know it....

just isn't right these days...not sure exactly what is wrong but it is. I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom in my life right now. Tonight is a night off of exercise. I can really feel the gret workout I had last night. I have muscles that are sore that I didnt' know existed..lol

So tomorrow night I will go back to the gym, do that great new machine and do lower body workout on my exercise equipment. I'm really excited as it will probably be the biggest excitement of my life this weekend! I am really expecting the worse from a phone call tonight, or maybe the lack of a phone call will tell the story. I am hoping for the best and expecting the worst, it's why I keep getting let down by people in my life. I expect too much I guess.

So I'm blogging, ate semi good today, I am really trying to stay out of the kitchen tonight and then I will have a good day. I really just have the no care attitude but am trying really really trying to make the right choices in life. I have been good so far, with a few munches here and there but nothing major and I want to curb that before it starts.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

It's the hump day

and work stunk....got to get my new helper and soon, it's only been 6 months or so I've been asking...So what do they tell me today? You are not keeping up with the job. Ok, and if I had an assistant I would be. So are you setting me up to fail? Because that is how I felt about it.

Thank god I had to leave at 2 to take ds2 to the doc for his physical, surprise surprise when we got there, he also needed two shots..

Then off to pickup ds1 and we all headed to the Y again, today, upper body weight machine workout. Nice, felt good, not too much. Then I strolled over to this machine that looks like an elliptical. Since I love the elliptical I had to check it out. Well low and behold I couldnt' stop myself from stepping up on it. I did, entered in the information and start whizzing away. Good, we are making progress. Well I realized about a minute in I am not extending my arms enough to make maximum stride. So I push the arms out as far as can go and then I feel it, in my thighs...good lord I look down and the arm controls are hooked to the foot pedals below, I am extending my upper body stride which in turn is extending out my lower body stride. OUCH!!!

So here I sit, 2 hours after the workout and wow my thighs are feeling it. I know I am going to be feeling this tomorrow too!! Nice workout, work the sweat and soreness....

Here we go again

Last night had a great workout, work wasn't so bad coming off the long holiday weekend also. I got alot done, thank goodness.

Last night I took ds2 and we ran the elliptical, 45 min. I taught him about the machine, what it can do for you and how to maintain your heartrate while working out. All in all it was a good run for me. It's been quite a while since I've run so it felt good. Surprising my legs aren't feeling too, too bad this a.m.

Eating had too many carbs again, I need to control them more. I have been finding myself very hungry lately, but I don't always pick good choices. I try to put in the protein but the carbs keep coming in also :(

Tonight ds1 and I work the weights!! yeah

Monday, September 01, 2008

Finally it's over

tomorrow we go back to work. I just hope I never, ever spend another long weekend as miserable as I was this weekend. I did learn alot about a few special people in my life. One being K. I'm very sad at the realization that I'm just not a priority in his life at all, but with all things life happens. So I've let him go, I'm sad, angry and well just plain old disappointed again with the men in my life again. I guess I have alot of issues still to deal with, I am going to try and get a therapy appointment tomorrow night since today is myusual day. I wish there were an easier way to work through this, but alas life is complicated and so is dealing with it.

Today we went swimming, I did 20 laps which totally impressed me, also met a few nice people at the pool. It was our first day there as we just joined today. I'm glad they are putting a bubble over the pool so we will have wintertime swimming! yeah!

So now back to our regularly programmed life!!