Sunday, February 24, 2008

Screeching halt

That's where I think my life has ended this weekend. not a good, not even in the least bit. Yesterday was a mind blowing miserable day, the man and I had alot of long conversations, none of them were good. I came home aftewards and he followed down soon after that, we had a great night, thought things were on the up and forward to today, nope right back where we started out yesterday, this time he felt the need to leave rather than talk. I just don't get it, if I heard that one more time I was going to blow, literally. I know we all have our good days and bad days but to say you are having a bad day when I woke up happy and content...well let's just say it was said one too many times and well....miserable mood 101 here I come.

I also have to say that I mollified myself with 2 chips a hoy cookies. WTF is that....I know, old demons, emotional eating, all of the above and none of it helped. It's over, he's home, I'm home and I'm miserable. Nothing solved, nothing gained and I feel like alot is lost. I feel empty and lonely and there is still alot of cookies left to soothe this feeling. Need to stay away that is the game plan. Called a friend, no where to be found. I'm rambling and I need to right now, here and sucks today!!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Let the research begin

So I did alot of research today online and through others close by who have had wls and reconstructive surgeries also and wow there is alot of information out there. The best thing I found was a website that is going to enable me to finance a portion of this reconstruction since usually and typically the insurance won't pay for a cosmetic surgery. So I've enrolled with them and am waiting till Friday to see how much they are going to finance. The best part is the doctor who is close by and has come to support group meetings to talk to us about ps' in the past is the doctor that I will see because he works in conjunction with this particular finance company. I am very, very jazzed by that whole thing because 1) I've met this doctor, albeit informal but have spoken with him one on one before and 2) he comes highly recommended not only by my weight loss surgeon but also my primary care doctor. Score one big 10 for me today on that one.

So now I wait and once I hear what I need to come up with, maybe as little as $100, then they will make my consult appointment and the ball will be rolling. I'm very excited.

On a different note, last night I was reviewing some pics for sister in Greece from her visit last summer, I'm only 20 lb less now, but wow what a difference I saw in my body from the yoga, weight and workouts...the difference was amazing and even I could see it. Makes a lot of sense and some positive reinforcement to keep working out even when I dont' want to....which I will be doing shortly after I get off here.

Oh and here's the best for last, I found a ok click over and check it out. It's where girls go and solicit help from guys to get their implants paid for....prostitution 101 is what I made that out to be, they are selling pics of themselves to guys who will pay them $$ to put in an account to get a breast implants. All they deal with is breast implants. I guess if you are one who has no care what you do for money then I say go for it, me I guess I'm just too old and well I have another plan in mind for myself...

It's snowing again today and of course Friday is a date night with my man, he's supposed to take me out on the town in Philadelphia and what is the weather calling for ICE!! can you frikkin believe it....I hope mother nature changes her tune between now and then....

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Journey, Part 2

I have stabilized on my weight loss, I currently weight in anywhere from 135-140 depending on the day and the time i weigh in. I think for the most part I'm done with weight now I'm starting to think about plastics.

When I first started this journey I know deep down in my heart I always thought I would be so grateful to just lose the weight and well I didn't care if I had plastics or not, leaning towards more the not having them done.

Well alot has changed both mentally, physically and emotionally for me in this journey. I am closing the book so much as far as expected weight loss as if I lost anymore I would be too thin according to BMI, but I am not closing this blog it is simply progressing into the next phase of what I want to do with my whole body transformation.

Now this may get a little graphic for some but it is my blog and I need to get it out, down on paper and rationalize the whole thing so i can see it. I want plastics, at least a breast i want implants, well I don't think so but I have a consult with a ps to discuss the options and so that I can chose what is best for me. Do I want a tummy tuck, sure I would love one, do I want a LBL? No, not really, I don't have the excess skin so much in the back it's simply the flab on the front that is most bothersome to me. Do I want my arms and thighs done, sure but will I probably not....

Having said all this the boobs are first and foremost in my mind. I spent last summer wearing a bathing suit for the first time in years, and of course I spent my whole time in self conscious of my girls swaying like an old lady pendulums at my waist. It's embarrasing and well you can imagine how I feel without a bathing suit on.....utter disgust. Now mind you it's not the same as the disgust I used to have over the way my body looked before, but the whole fat loss has left my breasts, formerly 44DDD a deflated 34D and that is on a good day and saved by Body by Victoria bras....Of course they make me look hot with the bra on but you can't wear the bra everywhere and really I just have a mass of skin with no shape shoved in there to make it look nice...the perk with a shirt I look hot, without the bra, old lady sag....

So I'm starting to really think through what I want to do moving forward and well I think I've changed my mind about plastics!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Valentines - Post op

I never really thought about the amount of candy I would consume on Valentines Day until today, or should I say this year. I would buy my children all my favorite candy when they were little, so I could sneak a taste or two, or five or six or whatever ungodly amount I would consume. I never really realized that I never bought the candy for them at Valentines or Easter or any other holiday for that matter, but I would pick out all my favorites, instilling in them that they were also their favorites...yeah right...well anyhow, this year, there is no candy. Boy2 wants an ipod case and something else, boy1 wants gas money. How times have changed and I had decided to just ask them, I love my boys more than life itself and if buying them one thing they would "love" to have then I feel like an accomplished mother.

Happy Valentines to all my friends out there!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Rain, sleet, snow and ice......oh my

Driving home tonight was more fun than.....well took me over one hour to do a 15 minute ride, along the way I encountered roads being closed due to severe icing right before my eyes, in fact the last stretch of roadway I encounter to my development was being closed as I was trying to pass through and I had to show the cop my license and prove I wasn't just trying to get over on them. I'm glad I'm home, more than I can say for my guy who is shacking up hopefully right now in Philly for the night since 95 south is closed and all the bridges leading out of Philly are closed due to the severe icing. The relief comes as rain around midnight and lots of it, so by the time I'm ready to leave tomorrow, I'm going to be smooth sailing in.

Still doing yoga, it's quite a challenging series and since I've started with their program, about 3 weeks now, I haven't had one repeat program, pretty sweet. They really emphasize core spots and work them really good. As for belly dancing, well I'm so sore from it, that I didn't participate today :( The poor body just needed a rest I guess.

Weight is the same, which is good. I am noticing some toning going on which is better :)

All in all, life is beautiful

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Two days in a row

I'm on a winning

My guy surprised me last night by driving down and bringing me roses. How sweet he is and how wonderful it made and is still making me feel. I've definitely got a winner!!

Not much else going on, yoga was good, belly dancing was super fun, we learned head and arm movements today along with hip ones that make your thighs scream in pain..

I'm tired, came home and took 1 hour nap instead of cleaning like a good girl I was supposed to be. I'm still tired and am turning in early tonight.....

The weekend is kid free and unplanned except for stamping tomorrow night...wonder what I will get into???

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Ash Wednesday

Like a good catholic I stopped by church on the way to work and got my ashes...alot of people where I work are Catholic so we looked like clones of some sort of science experiement gone bad. Anyhow the reason to bring all this up, is Lent is a season of giving up, like Jesus did for us. So being a WLS patient and even though I'm over a year out, I'm using this opportunity to renew my WLS diet, to cut out the chips that have crept back in. At first they were just there and maybe I'd have some once in a while, when all of a sudden I notice that every night lately I've been diving into the chips. Stress at work, bad, no make that poor eating habits pre surgery all contribute to this. Is it right, NOPE, does it happen, YES. And with this I am doing something about it. I haven't gained any weight back from all of this, but I feel like it bloats me, salt, carbs, nothing good about what I've been shoveling in there lately. So my pledge to myself for the next 40 days is no chips. Good lord, it will be a long 40 days and I'm almost already regretting this decision, but I know in the end I will be better for it.

So STBXH seems like he will be homeless STBXH $$ is rolling his way and well it's not my problem, of course that means ds2 will NOT be visiting either until I see with my own two eyes that there is a place for him in a home...and not just any home either.

DS1 has an interview finally, fingers and toes crossed for him to get this job, I know it will help him out alot.

My guy has requested my presence for a date on Friday night, I can't wait, he said dress nice and be at his house at 8pm...I'm so excited.

Speaking of Friday night I have stamping. Haven't been since Oct, with conflict of interest for Nov and holidays, I'm excited to see the girls and get some projects and new techniques started. Just have to make sure I go prepared to leave and dash up to PA pronto.

Work is crazy, I've been logging in 9+ hour days lately, mostly going in really early before anyone wakes up so I can get some work done!! It's amazing how much I need to do and still do just to catch up.

Home is ok, I am starting to think about painting because I've decided I'm still going to try and sell the house in the spring. I hope it can be accomplished but if not, well then I stay....we'll see and I'm sure there will be more on this in the upcoming months. Besides the house needs painting

Yoga and belly dancing are still going well. The past two days though yoga has kicked my ass. They were really hard classes and did moves that I could not perform, in fact I couldn't even perform a simple balance move yesterday, it just proved to me how much stress impacts your life and my concentration so that I could perform the moves, which I couldn't. Deep breath and move on.

Weather has been beautiful also here the last few days, I'm sad to see it changing tonight, but they are calling for nasty storms to come through and then well, it's getting cold and they are forecasting SNOW for weekend, it's almost a naughty four letter word in my dictionary at this point in winter since we've seen none so far.

That is about it on my end, time to forage for some sort of dinner.......I miss everyone I generally read and will be doing alot of catching up tonight for sure!

Monday, February 04, 2008

Long time no here

I'm back, the whole big brother is watching over me and not allowing me to blog during the day has really cramped my style. I miss coming in and writing down my feelings, happenings and what is going on in general with stuff. I miss coming and reading about my friends and all their wonderful things going on along with the not so wonderful sometimes. I miss the support that I get from knowing that you all are only a click away when I am feeling down or just need a friend. I haven't been in to blog in almost a week, I think the last time I did that was when I was on vacation and that was fun.....

Work has been crazy, if it can go wrong it is, I'm munching horribly to prove it. Those bad habits reared their ugly heads last Wed and well to be honest haven't really gone away that much, so what am I doing to compensate, well I'm not eating properly. I'm not doing the six mini meals that I have been doing. In fact on Sat night I had one bite and declared myself done dinner. This came to many unapproving eyes as they know what I am up to. I'm eating bad things, wrong things or too much of something and I'm not eating when it's time to eat the good stuff. I know it is totally unacceptable. I'm a victim of circumstance I tell myself, but today, six days later I find myself the same victim of this circumstance that isn't even part of my life anymore. Two bites of chicken parm tonight and I'm done. I'm having a decaf coffee right now and well, I need to eat a balanced meal.

My STBXH is a total asshole, he is about to be evicted from his apt he shares with the lady friend, and he thinks I should bail him out. Yeah like never, ever in a million years, I didn't not pay your bill that is your problem not mine. I've been diligent albeit broke in getting mine paid, I feel no remorse or platitude to help him out. Call me cold, hard or just indifferent but that is how it is. Not my problem anymore. If you didn't go out and party too much or buy whatever or just plain go to work so you get a whole paycheck maybe, just maybe you wouldn't be there. Anyhow, I'm not helping him out. In fact the biggest kick I received on Friday was him (STBXH) if I would ask my man if he would loan me the $$ to give to him. Balls, that is all I have to say on that subject.

I am 14 months out of surgery. I've been told I'm too thin, I'm gaining weight back, I don't eat enough, I eat too much, wrong foods, too healthy, ok you get the jist, everyone seems to know what is right for me. How about me, don't you think for one minute that maybe I might know what is best for ME! Amazing concept, really.

Had a great weekend, got lots of great stuff done, went to the movies with the boy #2 and out and about, of course he thinks everytime someone goes to the store he's entitled to something and I had to pull the plug on him just as I had to do earlier with his brother. I'm not a bank, nor will I ever be one....

So exercise is good, belly dancing is still going well, although I'm really not adept in the practice yet, but I'm working on it. It's lots of fun and if you ever get the opportunity you should definitely take it.