Let's make it three.....

Well today I did not want to get up and go to bowling, horrible sinus headache but then that means our day will be beautiful out there. I can't wait till the weather starts to get just a tad bit warmer, but what I want to do today and what I will do today are two different things. I was invited down to Turkey Point, in MD, it's simply beautiful there, the lighthouse, looking out over the two rivers meeting....it is simply a beautiful place and sometimes when things are really bad I go there to think. It's been a while (probably since Oct) since I've been there...i do miss it there but I'm not going :(

I have unfinished business with my guy, he says I'm not the same girl he met...I think I am, but just small things have melded us together, I get teary eyed thinking he won't be in my life much more but I also, am stronger knowing that I can't go on the way things are all the time with us. I'm bracing myself (w/Xanax) for another mentally challenging two days, I have to get this over with and well, it needs to be addressed out in the open and well we'll see.

He hasn't come down yet, and I feel at peace, it's surreal to know that I do better without him around than with him around. I do like him alot, I respect him and a piece of me has fallen hard for him, but my brain and mental side say he's bad for me in the long run, I know it and everyone else does (or so they've told me so) and well he doesn't I don't want this to be painful, I hate causing pain on anyone as I hate the pain being on me, but it has to happen, I can on and on this whole blog about this...like I'm trying to find a way that it will work when I know deep down it's not going to. I feel that the concert we are supposed to go to is the last hurrah, in a way I guess it will be, I don't know, but I do know that I hate that I'm putting my favorite band out there and creating a memory that may not be the most pleasant for my life. I'm torn, my heart is in shreds trying to make sense of this....as I am typing this as I have typed many blogs about this, I'm tearing up....I know what is right to do and I know what I am currently doing which are two entirely separate things.

Give me strength and hopefully I'll be back tomorrow with more good news not this incessant whining....

weight today (because I'm a scale whore) the same....eating today, very bad I can't seem to want to put anything in my tummy.

Another week,another absence

It's almost where I don't where work during the day begins and at home at night ends. The time change has thrown me for a complete loop. I have been extremely tired and just can't seem to get the hang of it this time. Plus the added strain from home and work and the kids and my guy and everything else....Calgon take me away has come to mind more than once. Along with a nice warm weekend getaway that I cannot justify in my checkbook at all!

So where do I begin....kid #1 is still being a jerk, oh I'm sorry I meant to say a teenager....he and I are at odds more than ever, but I make sure every morning before I leave him at school to tell him I love him and hopefully that will carry us through this rough time.

ds2 - spent 4 hours in the Children's hospital with him today, muscle strain in the neck from gym class...not fun, no food, no forethought on my behalf of how long I was going to stay there, I was tired of waiting around, hungry and edgy....other than that he's been a pretty decent little guy to live with lately...he's finally warmiing up to my guy and well.....see next paragraph

My guy - him and I had a mentally challenging weekend last weekend. I was mentally exhausted by the time he left Monday morning, so I guess I am seeing the beginning of the end here? I don't know, nor do I put alot of work in it right now as work is crazy busy, another sign that things are aren't going well....there's alot to say here, but right now I'm not in the frame of mind for sharing alot of it.....

Work - God I need a new job, but the economy and my checkbook says we are in a recession, I have a decent paying good job that is not going anywhere, do I jeopardize this or hang in there and try to work through it. The bull in me does not like to fail so I think stick it out...but only time will tell...

Home is a wreck, I really need a maid, again my budget does not condone this behavior, will it ever, maybe when I win the powerball....I am so behind on wash and cleaning and well everything. I haven't been cooking many balanced meals, in fact when i get home I not really hungry at all.....bad bad bad... I know

Weight - same, down to the low end of where I normally weigh, again the not eating is probably the biggest contributor.

My bff, well she is no more....I'm sad and grieving over this loss, but I guess it was a long time coming, I've tried to confront her with these issues that keep popping up, but she turns the other cheek and clams up, for the love of pete I wish she would just unleash on me the wrath and get it out and over with, no such luck, and therefore, no more friend.

So in a nutshell this is my absolutely crazy disfunctional life right now, I would envy no one to step in my shoes as they are too small even for me right now and way too tight.....hopefully the horizons offer some glimmer of hope that things will change soon.

Until then I hope to post in less time than one more whole week...until then ciao

Screeching halt

That's where I think my life has ended this weekend. not a good, not even in the least bit. Yesterday was a mind blowing miserable day, the man and I had alot of long conversations, none of them were good. I came home aftewards and he followed down soon after that, we had a great night, thought things were on the up and up....fast forward to today, nope right back where we started out yesterday, this time he felt the need to leave rather than talk. I just don't get it, if I heard that one more time I was going to blow, literally. I know we all have our good days and bad days but to say you are having a bad day when I woke up happy and content...well let's just say it was said one too many times and well....miserable mood 101 here I come.

I also have to say that I mollified myself with 2 chips a hoy cookies. WTF is that....I know, old demons, emotional eating, all of the above and none of it helped. It's over, he's home, I'm home and I'm miserable. Nothing solved, nothing gained and I feel like alot is lost. I feel empty and lonely and there is still alot of cookies left to soothe this feeling. Need to stay away that is the game plan. Called a friend, no where to be found. I'm rambling and I need to right now, here and now....life sucks today!!

The weekend

The best laid plans never work out sometimes do they!! I had every intention of having a perfect laid back weekend and was doing great until Sunday!!

Friday night was spent cleaning, oh you say how fun is that to be cleaning on a Friday night, well I had alot to deal with in my mind and cleaning was a cleansing experience, gave me time to sort through my life and clean up the house at the same time. Saturday morning was great, although cold and windy, the last game was a blast....but of course I was already in and let you all know this!! lol Saturday night me and my gf hung out while ds2 had a friend stay over. All in all a good weekend so far, right? Wrong, Sunday I woke up with a migraine....OMG I haven't had one in a million years, but I think the stress and strain of what has been going on in my life had come to a head and this is what it did. So most of Sunday was headache, I went to sleep with it and woke up again today with it....it sux!! I'm starting to feel some relief but it has come with a price, again I'm down, 5 more lbs. I am really starting to worry that this isn't healthy so I've called the doctor today, even though I'm scheduled in next month, because since Oct 1 I've lost 25 lb, which anyone would say great, but I dont' think I should be losing that much in like 40 days. I'm waiting for the call back now.

So on a sad note I called and cancelled my date for last night, I just couldnt' go through with it feeling the way I did, on a brighter note, today is a new day and we are going out tonight!! I'm excited and glad that he didn't think I was just blowing him off....

Soon to be xh update, he's acting like an idiot again, it never ends, running cold and hot on me, I guess it explains part of the stress related migraine I'm dealing with. I've told him again there is no way we are getting back together, enjoy your new girlfriend it was what you chose!

Thanksgiving is about 2 weeks away, things are heating up at work, busy, busy, busy....not like I didn't expect that, but it always gets so crazy, anyhow...I'm rambling now...it's cold and damp today so I'm going to find some soup a blanket and relax until later!!

Stupid things that make you mad

I found out in a not so nice way that my soon to be xh has a new gf. In fact that is where he is now. I don't care the fact that there is a new lady friend, in fact I urged him to do it, but the lying and deceiving instead of being honest there was uncalled for. He took ds2 trick or treating last night and evidently lied to him also, when the lady friend and her daughter joined them, he led him to believe it was a friend of the other people they were with...so I feel like the whole thing was a shamble from the get go, to so easily lie to your spouse, I wonder how far back this has gone?? It's just another reason why he is the stbxh!!!

Happy Halloween

So this is the first halloween of the new me. I went to a costume party (which was a blast) and never got around to decorating or anything for the kids. In fact, if I don't get to the store at lunch I won't even have sweet treats for them tonight!! So I have a full day of work and running errands at lunch.

So this weekend my plans include alot of cleaning and purging...starting over if youwill.

I have been finally maintaining my weight for a few days, it has been dipping rather drastically, or at least I feel rather drastically. I feel like crap and all bloated and crampy today, so that explains that....I have been exercising, yoga still being my exercise of choice...back at the cardio at least 3x a week also. I've been really having difficulties squeezing that in sometimes, so I need a new creative plan to do some at home after work if need be.

I am coming up on my one year surgiversary this month of November. It's hard for me to believe it's been almost a year already, it feels like I was just starting out on this journey yesterday. I have learned alot this past year, about myself, my body and my needs and wants. I know they haven't been all positive, but it's who I am and where I am in my journey.

I'm looking forward to 2008 with renewed hope that things will definitely be brighter for me!

Last night and almost three years ago

Last night after settling in to watch the Eagles eat it...I was thinking about the trips I just made up and down and up down the staircase...I think it was like 4-5 in a row...I was taking the stairs two at a time almost running up and down...now back to October 2004 I was diagnosed with having no cartiledge in my right knee. To walk just across the room was just sheer agony, if I had to walk up the stairs I would wait until I absolutely had to, no up and down and up and down. In February of 2005 I had a partial knee replacement done but at a weight of 275lbs...OUCH talk about carrying the weight of the world on your knees. So after therapy was done and I was released to start exercise, now this was a grueling adventure that mostly consisted of walking, at a slow pace, my own pace with no extra effort put into the whole thing. I did manage to drop 25 lbs during this time, but it was really not that helpful, probably a little in hindsight but overall it didn't change the fact that I was morbidly obese. So off to Weight Watchers I went, in a whole year I was able to lose 19lbs...and then I proceeded to put it back on and then some....I'm sure alot of you who have had some sort of WLS surgery know this yo-yo dieting effect I'm speaking of!! Well anyway now to present day, I've run up and down these stairs 4-5 times last night in a row, I was just shocked and amazed and so happy of the fact that I could do it! I have come along way in this journey and it's only just beginning!!

It's not easy

Last night was a struggle to find things to occupy myself instead of grazing. It's hard some days and some not. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I was baking a birthday cake and was dying to dip my fingers in the batter or the icing, but I did also bake a low sugar apple crisp for myself to satisfy that sweet tooth I was having. I'm not sure if it is the changing of the seasons, where is was crisp and cool out last night and your natural instincts are to bulk up on carbs for the long winter....I'm not sure if it was just me being an idiot and thinking in my head that I can eat whatever I wanted. Well the good news is, my mind did not win, I did not graze nor did I dip fingers in batter or icing. The cake is done, iced and waiting for the party tonight. The apple crisp was baked, I had one small serving and was satisfied. But the hours of doing things and being in the kitchen was leading me down a path I do not want to go back to. I love to cook, bake whatever. I find it very soothing to me on the long winter's day when there is not alot else to do, but if this is how it will be I will not be doing alot of anything in the kitchen. I do know that up until last month I let my dh handle alot of the cooking and steered clear of the kitchen for the most part, only to pickup dinner plates and deliver to dining room, or clean up....I have alot of work to do on this one, and I want to win this battle!

On a good front, I got tons of exercise in yesterday and logged an alltime low of 151.4 on the scale, last night, fully dressed! I put on a small size shirt and size 8 slacks today!! WAHOO another victory for me. I seemed to have broken another stall and it feels good, but this one was about 2 months long...WOW Tomorrow is our visit to the Y and I'm excited. On another note, I was told by my NUT that if you want to join a gym, club or exercise class, there is a 10 minute rule, if it takes you more than 10 minutes to get there the likelihood of staying is less than if you can find one closer to home! Just a little food for thought.

A little update

The weekend was a blur and very stressful. I found myself, more than once wanting to take the edge off my nerves with food. Of course doing so would just make me sick....so I lived through it. My grandma (who's 95) was found unconscious Friday, they took her to the hospital and she was thoroughly dehydrated and has had another minor heart attack, thank goodness for all that but it took us 9 hours to find this out. Saturday the kids and I had plans to hike and meet friends up in Kutztown, so we went (at my mother's prodding) she said she would be home to take care of grandma, well we got home that night and I called in to check only to find out she and my sister had been out all day shopping for wedding stuff! WHAT!!! My mother has no cell (I know she's probably only one of 10 people who don't) anyhow no one checked in on grandma after they dropped her home and nestled her in bed that day. I was flamed. So Sunday I spent some time at grandma's and with sister who leaves today for Greece...good luck and hope to see you soon!

So we did have a nice hike (although small) on Saturday but it was perfect to get back into the swing of it. I also found a Denise Austin yoga tape so that was cool. It's a combo pilates and yoga...I have some problems with the yoga and the right knee, it doesn't want to comply with all the moves with the partial in there...I don't know if it ever will!

Anyhow the weather was nice and warm and low humidity and the company was great....so all in all it was a good weekend.

Extended weekends

I took an extra day off this weekend to contend with some things that are going on in life. Suffice to say it all worked out wonderfully. I'm pleased and forward progress is happening.

I wanted to take a minute and thank those who've I've connected with online via the ring. The IM service is a wonderful thing and I got to know a few of the other sassies out there and it was nice!!

My car is back in the shop out back here at work getting looked at. I had a strange thing happen during my drive yesterday and it wasn't pleasant, hopefully this won't set me back too many $$.

Oh and the knee (the one which I've had partial knee replacement on) is killing me. I have a call into the doc (knee surgeon) and want to get in soon. It's been killing me since Thursday last week and with apparent reason I can think of. Hopefully, it's just old age and bones and nothing severe to worry about.

It's hot and humid and bloody miserable here too! Just to add to it all, I'm having a horrible hair day! Actually I have bad hair days regularly as I have thin, baby fine straight hair. With the addition of the strange curly's that are growing back where I lost my hair, it's definitely not a good look on anyone.

I would love to be sitting on a beach reading a book right about now, but they pay me to work here so.......

Rainy types of Fridays

So the big storms came through, actually without so much hoopla as the ones the night before. But the temps are much nicer and the humidity is lowering.

Today is dday per se for the asst who puts the ASS in assistant....hopefully (but probably not) he will finally get it that he works here in my dept for ME!! Like I said I'm not holding my breath....

Tomorrow is the boat ride - yeah

Sister announced (finally) to the family she's getting married - IN GREECE, and soon....

We are probably going to try and see if the cat that is hanging around would like to become a permanent member of our family. We've tried to find him a home, but alas no one claims her....she's sweet and we all love her.

The weather is getting nice again, just like summer should be

It's almost 4th of July....of course I still have to work...so who cares.. I DO!!

I'm losing again....that feels really good

It's the weekend....that feels better

Everyone have a great one!

All I can say

is I'm starting over today. I had a great/emotional/horrible therapy session last night. After my thinking period and what we spoke of last night she felt like I had some breakthroughs. So we will work on these, one at a time per my request, and see where this takes us. I hate being miserable, bitchy and moody.

Today is a nice rainy day, man did we need it. My little flowers are curling at the leaves it was so dry out there. Today we have a nice steady, slow rain. It's beautiful the way mother nature rejuvenates itself when in desperate need. Unfortunately the boys are supposed to go swimming so we'll see if it clears up in time for them to go.

Thinking about taking off or 1/2 day on Friday. I am pretty sure we are all heading down to the shore again this weekend. I'm really starting to enjoy these long weekends and relaxing with book in hand at the shore line. I've also heard gf's are going to be down at the beach this weekend too this weekend, so it should be fun.

I took a day off yesterday from exercise, it felt good. I am pushing it way too much lately. Is there such a thing as pushing exercise too much? Anyhow, I didn't do any. Today, right back at it. It's nice to want to do exercise.

Tonight we go see Uncle B, he leaves in the a.m. to go back to Montana. Tomorrow J comes home from Greece, I can't wait to see her.

I'm mulling over a few things and life is beautiful.

Someone call me a doctor...........

that is if he can fix this head of mine. When I first embarked on my WLS journey, it was May 2003. I was convinced that this would be my solution to a long term, life endangering problem that I had, I was FAT!! Well I started my research, spent the next 6 months researching everything and then BAM, the knee went. My world as I knew it fell out from beneath me. I was devastated because this knee, which has been in various states of disrepair my whole life, was failing me and keeping me from proceeding on with my initial consultation. I fell into a deep depression regarding this whole ordeal. When you are FAT and fighting the demons and already to a degree depressed, having something monumental happen, like this it's hard to cope. I finally had my knee repaired (actually partial replacement) in Feb 2005. It took that long to get everything in line and try with desparate attempt all other options before the insurance would pay for the surgery. I lost another 2 years of my life at this point. Well that's how I looked at it at this point. Plus I continued to balloon upwards, spiraling out of control. I had limited exercise and pain was a part of my everyday life. One year, exactly, to the day after my knee surgery, I pulled out all my old WLS research. I was taking charge of my life once again. I have a very good friend in CA, who had the DS surgery in 3/05, she is a shining example of surgery done right. She was very gentle, but constantly prodding me, reminding me, however she did she planted the seed again. This time it flourished. I went on vacation with the family to VA Beach in Aug 06, it was the final straw, the pictures, the bathing suit (or tent as I referred to it as) and the whole experience of walking (or lack of really) hit home, I could not go on living my life the way it was playing out. I had already made my first consult appointment prior to us leaving, but there was a wait. I waited. I was patient, at least I thought I was, but probably not. I went in, I was prepared. I thought I knew what I wanted in 2003, come to find out I totally changed my mind about this by the time I reorganized in 06 and went in knowing the only lap RNY was the solution for me. The strictness of having my insides re-arranged was what I needed to keep my honest and to put me in a place where this tool would help me for the rest of my natural life. So as the doc and I were chatting I asked him alot of questions. I went in with a list, written out. He was very pleased I was prepared, he said so. I was pleased by the results of this conversation, of him and we moved forward. The next month, month and a half were a plethora of visits to all the support doctors we see pre-op. It was surreal. I never had a doubt, quiver or allowed myself to think that this was not the thing to do. Well I finished out with the doctors, everything was a go, I was excited and I had two weeks to prepare for surgery. During those two weeks I spent alot of time pondering if this was really the thing I should do. I had what I thought was a mild panic attack one night analyzing this to death. Deep down in my heart I knew it was 1000% the correct thing to do, but my head, well it will mull it over and over and let that self doubt that is so prevalent in my life come through. The mind is a wicked place if you do not have control over it, at least for me. I know many times during my life when I was dieting I would get to that place where I would cheat, then cheat again. I would gain back a few pounds lost and my mind would say, Michelle, you are fat, you dh loves you, live with it. I would be OK for a day or so then I would fall into depression over another failed diet. This cycle would repeat itself over and over during my adult life. So now I've called the shrink yesterday. I told her, I need to get my head right. I can't work on my marriage until I'm right. I can't love someone else, until I learn to love myself, for who I am today. Through all this hard work and having my insides rearranged I wish there were some type of pre-op support to help you re-arrange you head to match your lower portion. I don't know where this will lead, but I'm tired of trying to please everyone else and getting no pleasure out of this current lifestyle.

It's really an eye awakening realization to wake up and realize that I really don't love myself enough to love another.

The reality is............

the weekend is over and today is Monday. My body says lets have off a few extra days and have some fun, it was just getting started!!

Weekend was a blur, literally. I was so busy and all the pre-arranged plans got switched based on one boy and his tournament that he 'forgot' to tell me about earlier last week. So Friday was off to shop for food, I hate food shopping I hardly eat any of which I buy and mostly its stuff for the boys. So home and unpack and off for some retail therapy of my own. I got all kinds of fun, cute things for the backyard to make it more desirable a place to sit and relax and enjoy life. I really do like to read or whatever out back if it's nice surroundings. Oh did I mention I did buy a pair of size8 (OMG i can't believe 8's) shorts and a nice tank to go with it this weekend too. I am loving my surgery right now, plateau has finally broken and with a bang!! Down 6 whole lbs with one weigh in. Really reaffirms for me that this is a tool and you have to work the system baby to make it work.

Sister is coming home from Greece on Thursday, I can't wait to see her, it's been a while, well since she visited in February, and I've changed so much and I just can't wait to see her. My little sister and me are so close, always have been, and I missed her tons when she moved away, but greece, well that's not even easily accessible.

Made cards, finally, Saturday morning. DS2 and I got up extra early, yeah 5:30 for each of us...what the heck is that!! I am finding that the more I exercise and lose weight the more energy I have and I don't sleep 1/2 as long or feel tired throughout the day like I did before. I just like to cram as much as I can into each day and consider it a blessing to be alive and healthy.

So today, I have lots of work to catch up on. Of course to catch up with all you great girls too since I've had no computer....and plan some more beach time off!!

New haircuts and my life

I finally got a new haircut last night. Tired of the same old boring haircut that I've been sporting for sometime. I actually went shorter, other than feeling totally weird to me when I brush out my hair I really am digging the new do....see for yourself



So with the new do, comes a small weight gain. I don't know where this is coming from, but first thoughts....omg it's done, I've used up all the WLS has given me. I'm seeing the former fatty in the mirror although I really know this isn't true! It's amazing still to me the tricks our mind plays on us. So I've been stagnant on weight loss for a bit now, I also haven't had a period over a month. Of course this is par for the course, six months on six off....if I only had a job so predictable as my TTOM. So I called the doc this am. to get re-prescribed the meds to make it come along (I've been bloated and crampy and pms'ing for a while now) no wonder all the bitchy posts and arguments ensuing in my abode. Anywho....they will call in the RX and I will await the flash flood that always ensues. I thought for sure when I had the wls and the periods were coming regularly that we fixed that particular issue, but alas no...it's sad, really sad for a very pre-menopausal woman to have to go through this misery.

I got a great walk in last night also, clocked 8 miles...quite an achievement for me so far. I still need to go check out the Y and see about joining, of course I seem to never have the time for this. I want to get on the bandwagon per se for personalized training as I think I'm probably exhausting what I do and it's becoming so redundant. I walk, elliptical, weights and toning exercises. I need more! my body is actually craving the challenge that comes from a rigorous workout.

The boys end school this week, so onto the fun of summer and being teenagers for the both of them. They actually have gotten themselves into plenty of activity so it should be a good one for both.....

ttfn

Yeah it's Thursday! I should leave it at that. My asst conveniently did not show up for work today after being off for the past three, something about jetlag and airport delays that I did not want to listen to the whining so I abruptly deleted the message and moved about my day. In the past two weeks I've been riding solo for 7 1/2 days out of 10!! Not a bad statistic for the wealthy, but us working folk need to work to get paid. I can imagine the horror when he opens his next bi-monthly check and faints for all the time missed. Nope, he has no vacation nor personal days as he's not even three months here yet!! Pre-11/20 I would have binged and scoffed up anything that came with the stress of working solo during the busiest time of my month, but this time I lost!! yes, I peeked again, 169 here I come!! I'm going to get you....

So tomorrow is the birthday, 43, not a remarkable number either but one worth celebrating with good friends and our band friends TT. I can't wait, and would love to bounce out of here early tomorrow and get a new shirt to wear. My sorry little closet has been wiped clean of all x size clothing and now there are 8 little shirts hanging in it's vast expanse that calls me to shop at all times although I've been resisting. It's amazing the mounds of clothing that has gone to goodwill, people I know and in the trash. No wonder my checkbook was always broke!

I go for my six month checkup in two weeks, I have to note to get to the lab and get that blood drawn beforehand. I expect them to all come back normal, so it would be a suprise if not.

Today I am nursing a sore gum under a cap that is lifting. At least I think it's lifting, all I know is the back of the tooth is not seated firmly against my gum, hence particles get stuck and well it's sore dammit!! I have to wait a week to see the dentist, unless I swell up was the words out of the ladies mouth. I asked swell up? Like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka or I got socked in the mouth?? Exactly what does that entail...of course I'm being cheap and don't want to pay the premium of a emergency call. So I'm on a lot of liquids today and that should help my cause to hit those 160's......

ciao
Me

Almost six months out

and noticing that my digestive system is changing, transforming, evolving (for lack of better words) once again. In the first five months I never had any problems with any of the foods as long as they were on the ok list. I have eaten small amounts, 2-3 oz per meal, as I cannot tolerate much more than that so far. Of course I have days when I feel like I have a wooden leg and can consume more throughout the day, but never in one sitting. I have always attributed this to changing exercise patterns, more exercise, TTOM, etc. So now as I am evolving once again, I notice that dairy (yogurt, cottage cheese, string cheese, ok you get it) is making me one stinky girl. I have progressed from little gas to a big gas hound!! Compound that with dairythat I love to eat and it leads to one person I would not desire to be around for the rest of the day, sorry to my co-workers. Where do I go from here? Well that is the burning question of mine that I will take up with the NUT and will go from there. It's strange how I've noticed as I've aged that every 5-7 years my body would morph itself. I know how can a basically fat person notice when the fat shifts...easy! I would notice the midriff section thickening, the legs getting heavier at the top the arms growing batwings like I was about to take off and fly! The face, the double chin then the triple chin. But now I am left with all this excess skin from the weight I've lost so far, unfortunately the batwings are still there (as expected) the midriff is still thicker than I would hoped it would have turned out. And the thighs well let's say jello jigglers have nothing on me. Where did this all come from? I have no idea as when I was a basic fat person I didn't care, point blank what was fat where it jiggled, etc. But I think with my evolving body my mind is also evolving into the mindset that I was to look pleasant to others along with myself! This is a brand new evolution to me, because I can remember at the beginning of this journey I was like as long as I'm fit and thinner I didn't care what the body looked like. So even though I strongly thought I would never seek out plastics, they could be a very real possibility for my future! GASP!!

It's really crazy this whole body dismorphia vs mind dismorphia thing going on with me right now. I'm almost as obsessed with it as I was with the scale until I broke the darn thing and threw it away without a replacement. Talk about a way to get rid of the scale for those of us who were obsessed with it. I felt almost like I needed to start a support group like AA for obsessive scale users. Hello, my name is Michelle and I'm obsessed with stepping on the scale and weighing myself. Quite a silly notion but those who've had WLS understand this point completely.

I spoke of my gf who is into totally bashing me and basically not wanting to hang out with me anymore, yes it hurts, what human wouldn't have those feelings from a friend who in 20+ years of friendship feels like it's all going down the potty because one of us decided to have WLS...but it happens. End of story, right now the ball in her court. I've made her a friendship card this weekend and sent it, if she sees fit she will respond, if not, well then life goes on. RIGHT!! A little background on her, she is heavy, not nearly as fat as I once was and yes, maybe yes she's feeling like I'm not the heavy one in our friendship anymore, but I thought with all the talk and stuff she was ok with it!! Obviously NOT but such is life. We move into one era and out of another at all given points in time.

My IPOD is broken, I'm torn in a friendship and my 43rd birthday is this week! I think I'm having a bit of middle age syndrome bordering mid-life crisis and feeling sorry for myself. I'll snap out of it and we'll all be grooving again shortly!

Fridays and craziness

Ok so today is the end of a crazy week at work, I'm tired and thrilled to death that we are here finally! All the bosses have been out of town all week, I'm busier than normal this week ordering and everyone and their problems crawled out of the wordwork! Needless to say it came to a boiling head this morning with my supposed bff. So I told her I was staying in this weekend but today got an email from a friend that Omnisoul is playing at a local club, what a great band to go see....well I ask her if she wants to go and she says she's broke, too tired, yada yada yada...crap! The other group is going to MD to see another band and I know I can't sway them...double crap!! So then she writes back to me, your other friends can go with you! I ask her WTF does this mean!! I know they say people change but since my surgery I haven't spent any time with her. I keep asking and asking and she keeps pushing me away. I've asked her to go shopping, cup of coffee, hang out at the house...nothing works!! I'm starting to feel that this surgery has impaired our freindship for life, why?? I have no flippin idea but it aggravates the heck out of me to think just because I've lost some weight she doesn't want to hang with me anymore??!!! I've heard it happens but never ever in a million years thought it would happen to me! So I'm disgusted and quite frankly I'm going tonight, with even another friend and I'll chalk it up to her loss and my gain.

Have a wonderful weekend

me

Support meeting this week

Well the long awaited meeting with the psychiatrist was this past Tuesday. What a great meeting it was. She had a three part presentation based on before and after patients based on the following issues. a) Depression/hibernation b) anxiety c)body dismophia. Now this third item, body dismorphia is what really interested me. I have been suffering that for a while now. I know in my brain that I'm down to 10's or 12's depending on cut, but when i shop I still reach for 18's and 20's or when I look in the mirror the girl looking back at me is basically still chubby, not as fat as she once was but chubby. My biggest question is does this ever end? Well thank god the answer is yes. I am still having lots of struggles with coming to terms of all the loose skin and rolls that slowly melting but I need to love myself. I work on this everyday and hopefully soon it will all come together. I know I am only 5 months out and have a long way to go but these are things I worry or think about. I also dream some nights that when I wake up that the surgery will have reversed itself and I'll be right back where I started. I know this sounds completely lunatic but it's my reality.

Now I know overall my family supports me 100% on my decision to have this surgery, my father and I have spoken in detail regarding how much better off I will be now that the weight is gone before I hit my 50s or even 60s, he struggles everyday with it and I don't want to be like that. He's been overweight most of his adult life, it's a hard struggle as we all know, but he works as diligently as he can at 65 on improving himself. He's had heart attacks, strokes, and a hip replacement, no slacker in working out anymore but he just stalls. My dh on the other hand now thinks I'm too thin, he didn't marry a thin girl, I was about 25 lb heavier when we married than I am now and he doesn't like it. I told him 20-30 more and that should do it, but we'll see. He's not happy, I'm not currently happy with him. Actually I've been evaluating when I've been happy with him. Not a good scenerio for right now, maybe another post. I am out enjoying my life, dancing, getting out, hanging with gfs, crafting all the things that I wouldn't/couldn't do before and I'm personally miserable. Go figure.

Well I've bored us all to tears today, my mood is dark as the weather is too. Tomorrow night is crafting, which will instantly perk me up!!

ttfn
me

Thank god it's almost Friday

That's all I have to say about this week. I fell asleep on the couch at 8pm last night, that's how rough it's been. Enough said

Tomorrow I leave at 2:30 to take ds1 to the doctor then off to drop him at his dad's...then home to hopefully find something to wear for Salsa dancing tomorrow night. Gee I feel like I'm in my 20's going out on the town for the night. I'm so undecided what to wear.

It's rainy and gloomy again today, at least the temps are moderating a little today, so the plus side is tomorrow is Friday, 65 degrees and SUNNY!!! GOD I can't wait for it.

So I also got home last night and got presents in the mail, new stamps for me. I'm so glad the order is finally in. Now to mount and figure out something to stamp!! I will post pics soon

me