Someone call me a doctor...........

that is if he can fix this head of mine. When I first embarked on my WLS journey, it was May 2003. I was convinced that this would be my solution to a long term, life endangering problem that I had, I was FAT!! Well I started my research, spent the next 6 months researching everything and then BAM, the knee went. My world as I knew it fell out from beneath me. I was devastated because this knee, which has been in various states of disrepair my whole life, was failing me and keeping me from proceeding on with my initial consultation. I fell into a deep depression regarding this whole ordeal. When you are FAT and fighting the demons and already to a degree depressed, having something monumental happen, like this it's hard to cope. I finally had my knee repaired (actually partial replacement) in Feb 2005. It took that long to get everything in line and try with desparate attempt all other options before the insurance would pay for the surgery. I lost another 2 years of my life at this point. Well that's how I looked at it at this point. Plus I continued to balloon upwards, spiraling out of control. I had limited exercise and pain was a part of my everyday life. One year, exactly, to the day after my knee surgery, I pulled out all my old WLS research. I was taking charge of my life once again. I have a very good friend in CA, who had the DS surgery in 3/05, she is a shining example of surgery done right. She was very gentle, but constantly prodding me, reminding me, however she did she planted the seed again. This time it flourished. I went on vacation with the family to VA Beach in Aug 06, it was the final straw, the pictures, the bathing suit (or tent as I referred to it as) and the whole experience of walking (or lack of really) hit home, I could not go on living my life the way it was playing out. I had already made my first consult appointment prior to us leaving, but there was a wait. I waited. I was patient, at least I thought I was, but probably not. I went in, I was prepared. I thought I knew what I wanted in 2003, come to find out I totally changed my mind about this by the time I reorganized in 06 and went in knowing the only lap RNY was the solution for me. The strictness of having my insides re-arranged was what I needed to keep my honest and to put me in a place where this tool would help me for the rest of my natural life. So as the doc and I were chatting I asked him alot of questions. I went in with a list, written out. He was very pleased I was prepared, he said so. I was pleased by the results of this conversation, of him and we moved forward. The next month, month and a half were a plethora of visits to all the support doctors we see pre-op. It was surreal. I never had a doubt, quiver or allowed myself to think that this was not the thing to do. Well I finished out with the doctors, everything was a go, I was excited and I had two weeks to prepare for surgery. During those two weeks I spent alot of time pondering if this was really the thing I should do. I had what I thought was a mild panic attack one night analyzing this to death. Deep down in my heart I knew it was 1000% the correct thing to do, but my head, well it will mull it over and over and let that self doubt that is so prevalent in my life come through. The mind is a wicked place if you do not have control over it, at least for me. I know many times during my life when I was dieting I would get to that place where I would cheat, then cheat again. I would gain back a few pounds lost and my mind would say, Michelle, you are fat, you dh loves you, live with it. I would be OK for a day or so then I would fall into depression over another failed diet. This cycle would repeat itself over and over during my adult life. So now I've called the shrink yesterday. I told her, I need to get my head right. I can't work on my marriage until I'm right. I can't love someone else, until I learn to love myself, for who I am today. Through all this hard work and having my insides rearranged I wish there were some type of pre-op support to help you re-arrange you head to match your lower portion. I don't know where this will lead, but I'm tired of trying to please everyone else and getting no pleasure out of this current lifestyle.

It's really an eye awakening realization to wake up and realize that I really don't love myself enough to love another.