Sunday, March 16, 2008

I expected more and got nothing

Well I guess that about sums it up in the silly nonsensical way I've been blogging lately. Yesterday was perfect for us, everything we did and everywhere we went was a dream, almost too good to be true. Yes, this is the reality, today was a shit day, he's gone already, we talked, a little, nothing resolved, and nothing gained nothing lost. I hate this feeling of limbo because to be honest, it's draining me, mentally and physically. Throw into the mix that my oldest is in trouble with the law again and well I am having a shit day. So the guy went home, not a minute too soon, although I miss him horribly because there was no US time at all this weekend, we did things, included kids, he brought his dog (who is very needy and he gives in to her every whim) and well I'm left in the cold....that's how I felt and made it perfectly another unproductive day. At least I have a few hours of solititude until both boys are home, so I am off to enjoy them. I so want to post good news, hopefully one day really soon.... weight today - down 3 lb...I hate trauma and drama

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Let's make it three.....

Well today I did not want to get up and go to bowling, horrible sinus headache but then that means our day will be beautiful out there. I can't wait till the weather starts to get just a tad bit warmer, but what I want to do today and what I will do today are two different things. I was invited down to Turkey Point, in MD, it's simply beautiful there, the lighthouse, looking out over the two rivers is simply a beautiful place and sometimes when things are really bad I go there to think. It's been a while (probably since Oct) since I've been there...i do miss it there but I'm not going :(

I have unfinished business with my guy, he says I'm not the same girl he met...I think I am, but just small things have melded us together, I get teary eyed thinking he won't be in my life much more but I also, am stronger knowing that I can't go on the way things are all the time with us. I'm bracing myself (w/Xanax) for another mentally challenging two days, I have to get this over with and well, it needs to be addressed out in the open and well we'll see.

He hasn't come down yet, and I feel at peace, it's surreal to know that I do better without him around than with him around. I do like him alot, I respect him and a piece of me has fallen hard for him, but my brain and mental side say he's bad for me in the long run, I know it and everyone else does (or so they've told me so) and well he doesn't I don't want this to be painful, I hate causing pain on anyone as I hate the pain being on me, but it has to happen, I can on and on this whole blog about I'm trying to find a way that it will work when I know deep down it's not going to. I feel that the concert we are supposed to go to is the last hurrah, in a way I guess it will be, I don't know, but I do know that I hate that I'm putting my favorite band out there and creating a memory that may not be the most pleasant for my life. I'm torn, my heart is in shreds trying to make sense of I am typing this as I have typed many blogs about this, I'm tearing up....I know what is right to do and I know what I am currently doing which are two entirely separate things.

Give me strength and hopefully I'll be back tomorrow with more good news not this incessant whining....

weight today (because I'm a scale whore) the same....eating today, very bad I can't seem to want to put anything in my tummy.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Two days in a row, I'm making a comeback

Ok so this is a first in a long time, and to be perfectly honest it's really the best outlet for me to get things out there.....I know I have some readers that probably could give two craps but this is my blog and well that's the end of it.

First and this is the most important dilemna I have been going through in my life is my guy....I like him ALOT!! it's really scary how much, but lately it's been so mentally challenging for me, when we are apart we are great but together, well that's a whole nother story. It's a sad realization that this is it....the beginning of the end, and well I'm not sure he's feeling the same way I am about this. I brought up the subject last night in our daily call and he quickly as usual changed the subject, it's amazing to me that he doesn't want to talk about this, most men would run and hide and simply never call a girl back, my guy, just ignores it likes it's going to go away on it's own, NOT!!! So I guess I'm really going to have to push the envelope and get this discussion under way once and for all. He's only coming down for a short visit tomorrow and I'm going to bring it up and tell him, we need to air this out once and for all....I can't go on every weekend this way.

So weight loss, I'm holding steady, I need to get labs done soon for my next checkup, but I've been doing really well getting in my protein (via food only, all shakes are done) and lots of fruits and veggies and well sometimes too many carbs and candy, but that really has been a minimum of the last few weeks, I was gaining and had that nice little talk with myself last week and I'm back down 10lb, cutting carbs, the bad ones is all it takes for my gastrointestinal tract is smiling too, I'm not so bloated and uncomfortable. I'm happy I have a four day work week next week and I plan on doing alot of relaxing and hanging with the one kiddo this weekend.

Life in general is good, I'm dealing with alot of shit all at once and sometimes it really seems overwhelming and well to not get in here every day and blog it really backs up on I've pledged to get in at minimum every other day if not everyone, of course I know life gets in the way and of course the nicer weather that is slowly coming around will pursuade me outdoors.

DS2 is doing well after his little episode in the childrens hospital, he's been a bit sore today and stayed home from school, medicating every 6 hours or so, and he definitely took it easy..hopefully it won't interfere with his bowling in the morning. I'll pop a valium in my purse just in case..

So life is motoring along, my sister and her husband are home and I would love to see them sometime this weekend also!!

Here's to a good one...ciao

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Another week,another absence

It's almost where I don't where work during the day begins and at home at night ends. The time change has thrown me for a complete loop. I have been extremely tired and just can't seem to get the hang of it this time. Plus the added strain from home and work and the kids and my guy and everything else....Calgon take me away has come to mind more than once. Along with a nice warm weekend getaway that I cannot justify in my checkbook at all!

So where do I begin....kid #1 is still being a jerk, oh I'm sorry I meant to say a teenager....he and I are at odds more than ever, but I make sure every morning before I leave him at school to tell him I love him and hopefully that will carry us through this rough time.

ds2 - spent 4 hours in the Children's hospital with him today, muscle strain in the neck from gym class...not fun, no food, no forethought on my behalf of how long I was going to stay there, I was tired of waiting around, hungry and edgy....other than that he's been a pretty decent little guy to live with lately...he's finally warmiing up to my guy and well.....see next paragraph

My guy - him and I had a mentally challenging weekend last weekend. I was mentally exhausted by the time he left Monday morning, so I guess I am seeing the beginning of the end here? I don't know, nor do I put alot of work in it right now as work is crazy busy, another sign that things are aren't going well....there's alot to say here, but right now I'm not in the frame of mind for sharing alot of it.....

Work - God I need a new job, but the economy and my checkbook says we are in a recession, I have a decent paying good job that is not going anywhere, do I jeopardize this or hang in there and try to work through it. The bull in me does not like to fail so I think stick it out...but only time will tell...

Home is a wreck, I really need a maid, again my budget does not condone this behavior, will it ever, maybe when I win the powerball....I am so behind on wash and cleaning and well everything. I haven't been cooking many balanced meals, in fact when i get home I not really hungry at all.....bad bad bad... I know

Weight - same, down to the low end of where I normally weigh, again the not eating is probably the biggest contributor.

My bff, well she is no more....I'm sad and grieving over this loss, but I guess it was a long time coming, I've tried to confront her with these issues that keep popping up, but she turns the other cheek and clams up, for the love of pete I wish she would just unleash on me the wrath and get it out and over with, no such luck, and therefore, no more friend.

So in a nutshell this is my absolutely crazy disfunctional life right now, I would envy no one to step in my shoes as they are too small even for me right now and way too tight.....hopefully the horizons offer some glimmer of hope that things will change soon.

Until then I hope to post in less time than one more whole week...until then ciao

Thursday, March 06, 2008

It's been a while

I love that

But man I miss you guys. Things have been crazy, work is good we are gaining alot of great lines but it is keeping me way too busy to get in here and blog. Life at home is busy too, my oldest son was in an accident Monday (this past) and wrecked my car, the same night as I was up in NYC picking up my sis and her husband from the airport in from Greece. I am up early everyday and to bed late, I'm beyond exhausted and well to be honest haven't been eating well, not exercising ENOUGH and well the sad truth is I put on weight!! Now before we all get well you are too busy and blah, blah, blah let's remember why we did this, so we could learn a new, healthy way of life and what do I do in times of crunch, revert back hard to the old ways!! tonight I sat myself down and had a long talk with me, about carbs and candy and snacks and putting things to eat in my mouth mindlessly, eating too much or too many of the wrong things, not getting in here and blogging to keep me going. So I'm on the 5 day pouch test, let's see how much damage I've been inflicting on myself. Tomorrow starts day 1.

On a brighter note me and my guy are getting along great, I can't wait to see him tomorrow, all dapper and handsome in his suit coming home from work. I just can't wait until we get more time together, not that what we have isn't nice but the quality every evening time is what i miss, snuggling up to a warm body at night and knowing when they put their arm around you they mean it, and you feel all warm and fuzzy and protected. That's how he makes me feel :)

So I have been keeping up on yoga, it's my saving grace from going crazy, but other than that zilch, zip, nada....oh vey...things have to change.

My ex MIL also graced me with 5 great high quality business suits too, they are chic and pretty and well I look fab in them, 3 are a bit snug in the belly, so carbs as much as I love you all, goodbye!!!

Other than that, ds2 is almost done bowling and well I can't wait to start manicure and pedicure season, in fact I'm treating myself to a pre-spring pedi tomorrow night, just because....well just because I need to spoil myself on something nice, oh and I did go shopping last weekend, lots of great sales and end of season clearances, I scored big and well I shall be styling again in no time, now I have to make a hair appointment and then I'll be perfect...

I miss you all, I'm glad for the messages and I know I'm back with a vengeance....spring and summer are right around the corner...