Saturday, March 15, 2008

Let's make it three.....

Well today I did not want to get up and go to bowling, horrible sinus headache but then that means our day will be beautiful out there. I can't wait till the weather starts to get just a tad bit warmer, but what I want to do today and what I will do today are two different things. I was invited down to Turkey Point, in MD, it's simply beautiful there, the lighthouse, looking out over the two rivers is simply a beautiful place and sometimes when things are really bad I go there to think. It's been a while (probably since Oct) since I've been there...i do miss it there but I'm not going :(

I have unfinished business with my guy, he says I'm not the same girl he met...I think I am, but just small things have melded us together, I get teary eyed thinking he won't be in my life much more but I also, am stronger knowing that I can't go on the way things are all the time with us. I'm bracing myself (w/Xanax) for another mentally challenging two days, I have to get this over with and well, it needs to be addressed out in the open and well we'll see.

He hasn't come down yet, and I feel at peace, it's surreal to know that I do better without him around than with him around. I do like him alot, I respect him and a piece of me has fallen hard for him, but my brain and mental side say he's bad for me in the long run, I know it and everyone else does (or so they've told me so) and well he doesn't I don't want this to be painful, I hate causing pain on anyone as I hate the pain being on me, but it has to happen, I can on and on this whole blog about I'm trying to find a way that it will work when I know deep down it's not going to. I feel that the concert we are supposed to go to is the last hurrah, in a way I guess it will be, I don't know, but I do know that I hate that I'm putting my favorite band out there and creating a memory that may not be the most pleasant for my life. I'm torn, my heart is in shreds trying to make sense of I am typing this as I have typed many blogs about this, I'm tearing up....I know what is right to do and I know what I am currently doing which are two entirely separate things.

Give me strength and hopefully I'll be back tomorrow with more good news not this incessant whining....

weight today (because I'm a scale whore) the same....eating today, very bad I can't seem to want to put anything in my tummy.

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