Thursday, May 31, 2007
I told him, I'm tired of this fighting, it's getting us nowhere but in full circle around his and my problems. We never discuss them, we never make amendments, answers all we do is circle each other like boxers in a ring. Last night I tried to use some of the empowerment I get from therapy. I'm an enabler, it stung like a bee. Hurt my pride my most innermost feelings to hear these things, but it's true, the whole bloody mess is me enabling him to act the way he does. I'm trying my hardest to change this and it's causing great strife in the household, but I will prevail. I'm the type who once I'm flawed I do my damned to fix it, change it, grow and become a better person because of it. Where does that leave us? Who knows still but it's progress with a big P!
Work is crazy busy, problems are arising left and right. Of course no fire is too easy or quick to put out. My asst has been driving me crazy. If you don't spell out with fine print everything he needs to do, you might as well do it yourself KWIM!! I'm stressed at home and work and it's taking it's toll on ME!! I want so much to be healthy and I am needing to find ME time to make this happen. I want to be proactive not destructive with this tool that I have received to lose weight. I want to be healthy, happy and deserving of all these things.
On a lighter note, the boys are wrapping up another year at school. My baby will be a senior next year and it brings a tear to my eye remembering when I had him. It all happens so fast and it's so surreal to think about it, it's been up and down, bumpy and smooth along the road but he turned out great, and I do it all for them!!
So now I'm going to write in my journal, my plan. I'm a planner, very strictive to the point of insanity sometimes. I will write out my plan, how I will achieve it and move from there. Who or what stays and goes at this point is up in the air, but I feel change is about to happen. It's not always good, but sometimes necessary for your life to run it's intended course.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Obviously you can tell which is which...or at least I hope you can. So 80lbs and alot of personal growth later I am starting to feel like I am getting my life back on track. Now I'm sure there is plenty of room for more growth both emotionally and physically, but that is my journey and why I am here. My labs came back great, a little high on the B12 but other than that everything else was perfect....I go back in three months, then after that three months and I'll be a year out. I'm still amazed how quickly this six months has gone by. It seems like yesterday I was crawling into bed after being released from the hospital and sleeping the afternoon away!!
Tonight is session 2 with the therapist, no dh support in that arena at all, in fact he won't even talk about it. There is so much to discuss we ran out of time last week. I was hoping after this great weekend things would change, but I think maybe not. Who knows. I'm going end of story. It may or may not become his loss at some point and that's what I told him this a.m. walking out the door.
I'm glad it's Wednesday also, this week cannot end soon enough for me at this point. I have alot of yard work to get done this weekend and am planning on it!! We are also doing a 5k this Sat morning to benefit one of my friends sons, who suffers from MD and is now at 11years old wheelchair bound. It's a debilitating disease that I rarely hear of. The benefit is help curb the cost of a new van for them to have converted to accomodate his wheelchair. Right now my friend actually lifts him in and out of her Expedition to and from school, doc's and whereever she needs to go. It's quite a strain on her physically and emotionally. I hope they are able to make enough to at least get the van....
Friday night is ladies night out, I love ladies night out!! We are going to celebrate a birthday with one of best girls, Cher!! Happy Birthday to you chickie!! It should be a fun night. Of course dh is pissed because it doesn't include him. Um, hello, when you are out with your drinking buddies I don't piss and moan and try to crash the party. It's not like we won't see each other at all either!! What a guy, seems anymore he's never happy.
Ok enough scoffing from me...
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I did not get burned, just a little color to make me look nice. No misery this morning trying to put on clothes that wouldn't fit...because they all still do. Packed lots of protein and water so eating was 100% in my control. Did have a few drinks in there, but all in all it was a-ok.
Now back to work, with millions of others who begrudingly got out of bed this a.m. wishing it were only Sat and still two days left before work.
Tonight we are going down to the YMCA and looking into enrolling. It will be nice for DH, me and Nick who will be able to use their facilities for weight training and David for the extra activities as well as the outdoor pool!! Yes, I said it, outdoor pool, bathing suits, and well no movie stars. I bought a new one this weekend, cut little number I picked up at Kohls right before we left.
So off for the day, another adventure here at work I'm sure.
Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day weekend.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
As he was getting ready to leave, he left with something to ponder.....He stated that I should be starting to think about my future with relation to eating and exercise. He told me that this is the critical turning point in my surgery for success or not. So I have to make a plan and stick with it...sounds easy right? NOT!! I will give it alot of thought. The two others here venturing into personal trainers is a great idea, but not sure if I can afford it. I know I will resolutely always find something athletic to entertain myself, while keeping in shape. It's just how it has to be!!
Changing lanes, tomorrow I've taken a 1/2 day. I know, I know should have taken the whole damn day off, but I still have to get up with the kiddies, so might as well make an appearance here and saunter off towards the beach. As for the swimming suit, did not get a chance to find one. I did get down to my favorite Dress Barn the other night, only to find clearance and the store is closing in two weeks. I was talking with the salesgirl (who had lap around the same time I did) one thing led to another and I walked out with six shirts for $25 and no bathing suit as there was no time left to hit the other store.
So I'm off, to do god knows what and I'll see you all before I check out tomorrow
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Anything Can Be Overcome
The journey that each human being makes through earthly existence can have hardship as often as it is touched by joy. When we encounter adversity, the stress we feel can erode our optimism, eventually convincing us that the issues we face cannot be overcome. In truth, there is no situation so dire, no challenge so great, and no choice so bewildering that it cannot be overcome. Though we may believe that all avenues have been closed to us or that our most conscientious efforts will come to naught, we are never without feasible options. The best course of action may be veiled in doubt, but it is there. When we are honest with ourselves with regard to this simple fact, we can overcome anything because we will never stop looking for a solution to the challenges before us. Self-trust coupled with a sturdy plan is the ultimate antidote to adversity's tendency to inspire disillusionment in the human mind. As difficult as the obstacle plaguing you seems, it is no match for the love of a supportive universe that has been a part of your life since the day of your birth and will be with you forevermore. Try not to be misguided by your fear as this gives rise to the notion that there are problems without solutions. If you believe in your capabilities and dedicate yourself to the creation of some form of resolution, you will be surprised to discover that paths that were once closed to you miraculously open. Even if all you can do is change your perspective to turn an impediment into an opportunity to grow, you will have found the hope that is an inherent element of all hardship. Remember that your destiny is a product of your own creation. Even when it seems you have nowhere left to turn, there is a solution waiting for you. The only insurmountable obstacles are the ones you create in your own mind—and these can only exert power over you if you let them. Uncertainty will always be a part of your existence, but perseverance and mindfulness will never fail to see you through to the other side of hardship where joy can thrive. Try and remember that no matter what life places at your feet, there is absolutely no situation that cannot be resolved with time, love, and friendship.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
On a lighter note, I've decided to take a 1/2 day of vacation on Friday and treat the boys (and dh if he wants to go) to the beach for the weekend. The weather should be perfect and gives me the best excuse to buy a bathing suit!! OH MY!! I feel like a child at christmas with the prospect of trying on a suit and hopefully liking what I see, it's my first suit in at least a dozen years, maybe more?? I can't believe I actually don't mind going out in public with my ultra white skin and a piece of clothing that leaves little to be desired. Of course anyone post WLS, pre-plastics knows what I mean. I have the swaying bat wings, the skin on the thighs that reminds me of jello jigglers, but to put on the suit and not have just fat hanging everywhere is a godsend to someone like me. Of course now that I've written all of this the whole process of buying the suit could be treasure hunt of grand proportions.
So wish me luck with purchase and course I'm looking forward to seeing the shrink.
Monday, May 21, 2007
I celebrated my six month surgiversary yesterday, bloated and did not want to get on the scale, so I waited until this a.m. 170 on the dot, no .-- lbs of nothing. So for the record books, well my record books, I'm 78.5 lb down since surgery. NO easy feat when I sat and thought back to that gray chilly day last November going in thinking and wondering where I would be in six months from now. Of course I also pondered this question again, where will I be in six months? How will I look, feel and what will be going on in my life? I have added many new dynamics to this question, where will I be? Who will I be? This is going way beyond the how do I look and feel question that is posed to me everytime I see someone I haven't seen in a bit? Some think I have cancer, since I'm dropping weight so rapidly!!! They are very shy and timid around me to think that things are going so badly in my life right then when they actually are not! I did my little happy dance yesterday, put on my size 10 pants and went to visit my mother. Not my favorite thing but one that needed to be done. She said nothing, nothing at all. How blindsided was I at this, I haven't seen her since mid February and clearly changes have happened to this body, I'm no longer a 12/14 that I was wearing back then, I'm a 10 almost a 8! Her bf was more accomodating stating that I'm really losing that weight! I am very in the moment of what size I am. It's a compliment to myself everytime I put on a piece of clothing and the size is just there, I can't comprehend what it says but the number is staring at me telling me it fits and looks nice. Of course I realize at some point I do not put so much weight (no pun intended) into the number and again I will shift, change into the new person I am becoming. I made her a card and coasters for mother's day, not the best present but one I made, I'm still in a way making it up to her for whatever in god's name I did to her all those years ago. I will never be her favorite child, I'm her first born and lowest on her list to call if something goes wrong. I live the closest and yet am the furthest person from her mind. We speak maybe every few months, unlike my sister in SC who speaks with her every other day. Yes I have a very dysfunctional family.
So I rejoiced in my loss, pondered my future and embraced my day and enjoyed it as much as could be possible. I'm living, healthy, moderately overweight and somewhat happy in life.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
It's cold and rainy now, so I'm off to rest and relax and then start over with something new tomorrow. Hopefully some good walking weather, I need a good long walk...
Friday, May 18, 2007
I'm rambling but I'm sad, and I have nothing to eat...oh that's right I can't eat!!! I will get sick. It's going to be a long weekend, I'm tired and stressed already and we've only just begun!
I hope everyone has a great weekend
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
2. Do you think taxes are unfair or do you think it’s your civic duty?
I hate taxes, understand the premise for them, but absolutely abhor looking at the paycheck and seeing how much uncle sam takes....then knowing that after March something or another you are finally making some $$
3. Do you take risks and possibly turn your life upside down for new opportunity?
Yes we have, and are comtemplating a big move to SC with the other family who have already taken the plunge....a new start fresh and sweet!
4. Are you the alpha in your household? (Include pets)What Do You Think?
I have to agree with MM on this one, I let him think he is but the reality is NOPE, it's me!! I'm the queen
5. Do you compromise with your significant other or does someone always get their way?
For the most part we comprimise or see eye to eye...thank goodness huh
6. What curse word do you use most often?
Shit, damn, you name it and it spews out of my mouth during the day!
7. Do you easily change your mind or are you dead set on most issues?
It depends on what it is and how I feel about it at that time. But watch out if my mind is made up!! I'm not a Taurus for nothing
8. What famous person would you like to trade places with for one week?
I can't think of one!
9. If you could go back in time and tell one person off, who would it be and what would you say?
I'd have to say the VP at a company I worked with for 10 years to get my butt up the ladder only to have someone else hired in to manage when our boss got sick, the kicker, she wanted me to train her!!!! WTF
10. Were you a good student or did you do just enough to get by?
I was a good student, it helped that it came naturally to me because I tended to be lazy at times too
11. If you could give one piece of advice to someone just starting out on their own, what would you tell them?
Save, save, save....don't splurge establish some roots
12. Are people basically good and honest or are most people opportunistic and predatory?
I was of the nature of people being good and honest, but the longer I live the less I actually think this is true. It's a sad state of affairs our world these days.
13. Is there somebody you wish you could go back and apologize to?
Nope, not at all, if I had an apology it would have happened right away...no looking back and no regrets for things having been done
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
So basically I'm finding that back to basics after a few days of random eating are exactly what the doctor ordered. But better yet if you can avoid these random days and plan ahead yeah for you!
Monday, May 14, 2007
Overall the weekend was a blur, so much going on and no sleep. The mix was horrible but the experience was wonderful!!
Not much else to write, I'm still trying to wake up here, what a great day for a Starbucks cappacino....not happening though!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
So tomorrow is the birthday, 43, not a remarkable number either but one worth celebrating with good friends and our band friends TT. I can't wait, and would love to bounce out of here early tomorrow and get a new shirt to wear. My sorry little closet has been wiped clean of all x size clothing and now there are 8 little shirts hanging in it's vast expanse that calls me to shop at all times although I've been resisting. It's amazing the mounds of clothing that has gone to goodwill, people I know and in the trash. No wonder my checkbook was always broke!
I go for my six month checkup in two weeks, I have to note to get to the lab and get that blood drawn beforehand. I expect them to all come back normal, so it would be a suprise if not.
Today I am nursing a sore gum under a cap that is lifting. At least I think it's lifting, all I know is the back of the tooth is not seated firmly against my gum, hence particles get stuck and well it's sore dammit!! I have to wait a week to see the dentist, unless I swell up was the words out of the ladies mouth. I asked swell up? Like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka or I got socked in the mouth?? Exactly what does that entail...of course I'm being cheap and don't want to pay the premium of a emergency call. So I'm on a lot of liquids today and that should help my cause to hit those 160's......
Monday, May 07, 2007
It's really crazy this whole body dismorphia vs mind dismorphia thing going on with me right now. I'm almost as obsessed with it as I was with the scale until I broke the darn thing and threw it away without a replacement. Talk about a way to get rid of the scale for those of us who were obsessed with it. I felt almost like I needed to start a support group like AA for obsessive scale users. Hello, my name is Michelle and I'm obsessed with stepping on the scale and weighing myself. Quite a silly notion but those who've had WLS understand this point completely.
I spoke of my gf who is into totally bashing me and basically not wanting to hang out with me anymore, yes it hurts, what human wouldn't have those feelings from a friend who in 20+ years of friendship feels like it's all going down the potty because one of us decided to have WLS...but it happens. End of story, right now the ball in her court. I've made her a friendship card this weekend and sent it, if she sees fit she will respond, if not, well then life goes on. RIGHT!! A little background on her, she is heavy, not nearly as fat as I once was and yes, maybe yes she's feeling like I'm not the heavy one in our friendship anymore, but I thought with all the talk and stuff she was ok with it!! Obviously NOT but such is life. We move into one era and out of another at all given points in time.
My IPOD is broken, I'm torn in a friendship and my 43rd birthday is this week! I think I'm having a bit of middle age syndrome bordering mid-life crisis and feeling sorry for myself. I'll snap out of it and we'll all be grooving again shortly!
Friday, May 04, 2007
Have a wonderful weekend
Thursday, May 03, 2007
I'm making some strides in my weight loss that has/had plateau'd. Ok, yes I cheated and peeked at the scale early! Back to the basics, it is really helping. The hair loss that I had been experiencing seems to be slowing down some, and the new growth is really coming in strong, but curly! From having straight, baby fine hair for years this is really a new thing to me. It doesn't want to lay right, etc. A struggle to style in the work a.m. for sure!!
DS1 had his senior portraits done yesterday, it was a very grown up day for him I believe. The best part that came out of conversation about it last night, was he said Mom when I play the senior game in football this fall and you walk out there with me, the people won't believe your my mom because you've lost weight and look great! Tears were in my eyes and I felt like a million bucks. You don't hear compliments from teenage boys like that much at all. Little did he know that when I saw those mothers out there last year, all I could think of is when I have this surgery I won't embarrass my son when I walk out there next year!!
The weekend is coming, spring is here and I'm so glad.