Thursday, April 26, 2007

Support meeting this week

Well the long awaited meeting with the psychiatrist was this past Tuesday. What a great meeting it was. She had a three part presentation based on before and after patients based on the following issues. a) Depression/hibernation b) anxiety c)body dismophia. Now this third item, body dismorphia is what really interested me. I have been suffering that for a while now. I know in my brain that I'm down to 10's or 12's depending on cut, but when i shop I still reach for 18's and 20's or when I look in the mirror the girl looking back at me is basically still chubby, not as fat as she once was but chubby. My biggest question is does this ever end? Well thank god the answer is yes. I am still having lots of struggles with coming to terms of all the loose skin and rolls that slowly melting but I need to love myself. I work on this everyday and hopefully soon it will all come together. I know I am only 5 months out and have a long way to go but these are things I worry or think about. I also dream some nights that when I wake up that the surgery will have reversed itself and I'll be right back where I started. I know this sounds completely lunatic but it's my reality.

Now I know overall my family supports me 100% on my decision to have this surgery, my father and I have spoken in detail regarding how much better off I will be now that the weight is gone before I hit my 50s or even 60s, he struggles everyday with it and I don't want to be like that. He's been overweight most of his adult life, it's a hard struggle as we all know, but he works as diligently as he can at 65 on improving himself. He's had heart attacks, strokes, and a hip replacement, no slacker in working out anymore but he just stalls. My dh on the other hand now thinks I'm too thin, he didn't marry a thin girl, I was about 25 lb heavier when we married than I am now and he doesn't like it. I told him 20-30 more and that should do it, but we'll see. He's not happy, I'm not currently happy with him. Actually I've been evaluating when I've been happy with him. Not a good scenerio for right now, maybe another post. I am out enjoying my life, dancing, getting out, hanging with gfs, crafting all the things that I wouldn't/couldn't do before and I'm personally miserable. Go figure.

Well I've bored us all to tears today, my mood is dark as the weather is too. Tomorrow night is crafting, which will instantly perk me up!!


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