Sunday, December 28, 2008

It's almost over...........

2008 is drawing to a close, Christmas is done and in my past. I had my tv picture die Christmas morning, my computer died also the day after. What could possibly be right in my world? I had my children home, my health, my family and 4 days off!! lol We have done so much, visited so many and well just have been doing things. Today I got some cleaning, some much needed wash and no groceries purchased....I go back to work for 3 days and well I need a little normalcy in my life right now. We have another 3 day week which is perfect but then again the next holiday is the worst for me, it brings with it a reminder of a failed marriage as my anniversary was new years eve.

I have grown so much this year as a person, not just someone who went through WLS and came out a victor, defied the odds which seem to be dwindling to less long term survivors of actual loss than not. I was just speaking with someone in my support group this week regarding the number of people who remain a success is lower than it was a year ago, this really saddens me as this is FOREVER. This is not a quick fix, we go through such alot to get to the point of insurance approvals and whatnot to just throw it away with overeating, eating the wrong things or whatever it is to allow yourself to go back and gain weight! I am mad too at people's lazy attitude that this will fix you and you never have to do anything to help it along! BS, that is all I can say. I have worked hard, eating right, exercise, of course there are days when I let both fly out the window but overall I work at this, I was given a tool and have learned how to use it, and make it work for me. At 2 years out I am still amazed that I am maintaining a 135-140 lb body, from a former fattie, 260 or so lbs tipping the scales. Now I know some of you who read regularly say, yeah 260 she was a lightweight, but it didn't come without the complications of a partial knee replacement, high blood pressure, reflux, and assorted other ailments that have all but left me completely. I find solace after a trying day in yoga, exercise, pumping it up, letting my body guide me not me guide the body as I was before. I'm still springing up and down my stairs at home which sometimes still amazes me as before I could barely get up them without either one - being winded or two - being in tremendous pain from the bad knees (even after surgery).

I have been through a divorce (and not a nice one at that) I have moved the ex out of my home, life and dependancy. I have made it through lay offs at work (which I hope are done) I have made it over 2 years on my own now, through weight loss and being my own provider for me and my children. I have found out that I can do this on my own, without the help of a man, I don't need a man in my life. I have become independant, happy and full of life. I have been through many ups and downs in my dating life this year. Finding myself falling back into the same rut of dating the wrong people, the unemotionally available ones, finding the strength to walk away from these toxic relationships sooner rather than later. I have found myself, the girl who was lost and hidden inside of myself, the girl that this blog is about, the girl who was hiding inside of me all these years, hidden by layers of fat and grief and putdowns, emotional abuse and just things that I have did or allowed myself to become. I have broken free one layer at a time, but who is emerging is a new and different person, one is alot stronger than I ever thought she could be, one who is capable of forgiving, loving and giving back even when it is not given in return. I have peeled off layers and found that the girl I thought was in there is actually someone alot different but I love her just the same if not more! :)

There are alot of blogs where I have touched on this subject. Again, I was faced with disappointment by someone I care for, someone who I had allowed in my life to share things with, I was hoping he was the one, but then again on the 24th, my gf showed me something (which was later denied as to happening) and that broke it for me, I am sad, grief has been a big thing for me this year of 2008, but with all this grief I have grown, grown stronger, grown up in more ways than I could ever imagine. I have lost lots of people who I thought were good in my life, but have found twice as many new ones that are more positive and enrich me in ways I never knew were possible.

So to all who have touched my life, whether in real life, on the internet, whether you ever comment or just read and support me from near and afar, I raise my glass to you, may you have the best holiday season and I wish you and yours Happy Holidays! Let 2009 be everything you set out to make it!


Janine said...

Sorry to hear that you had that disappointment. Sounds as though you are better for it though and as you said a much Stronger woman who is acheiving great things.

Watching and commenting from afar

Janine (New Zealand)

Michelle said...

thank you Janine, as I have learned this year I am a strong woman, nobody will bring me down, it's a process live and learn and I'm enjoying the living part while I'm learning along the way! Happy New Year!!!

Susy said...

Great blog! You have grown in so many ways. Loved this blog Michelle. You know and understand you can do this on your own and I think that is important to our being. :) You will find the right person to share your life with. Happy New Year my have a special place in my life as well. Thanks for being my internet support and friend. It means a lot to know were not alone.