Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I refuse

to become the agitator at this point in our lack of relationship! The times are trying and thank god my therapist agreed to see me as an emergency last night. After the weekend....I was definitely in need for some one on one time with her. So last night was a good session and it gave me alot to think about and things I need to get moving on and so forth. Thank god for my therapist, I don't think I could do this without her, she is my strength to keep me focused on what is going on. I feel sometimes it is just easier to give in and let bygones be bygones, but where will that leave me? Right back where I am now, miserable, unhappy and all that crap that goes with it. So I know deep down this is the right decision, not to be taken lightly or so quickly but it's been along time coming.

So we are back at square one with him moving out, it's the most aggravating for me, not sure how he feels about it, but I feel like we just moved 10 steps backward and he is using this as a means to try and wiggle back with me. I just don't understand it, I don't want to be harsh and mean but I just want us both to move on, this time for good. Why is that so hard to explain and get across to him??

My poor blog has turned into something of a daily crying session for me, I'm not miserable, in fact I'm in a very happy place in my life, but these obstacles that are coming up are just unbearable for now. I have a life, my life with what I choose to do with it now or in the future just seems so wide open to me, the thrill of what is to come and what decisions I will or will not make for my future are just the beginning of a new life for myself. Have I made these changes based on WLS and the things that have happened physically or mentally to me, partly, I will not deny that, but deep down our marriage has been in trouble for years, too many to count. I think it has just given me the strength to stand up and take notice of how miserable I am and finally do something about it. My children are the biggest supporters of my decisions and my soon to be xh is the biggest downer of them all :(

So starting over, it's an exhilerating and frightening feeling, that I am ready to deal with. I have alot of living to do and want to enjoy the next half of it much more than I enjoyed the first half!


Melanie said...

I'm glad your therapist was there for you. Sounds like you really needed the session. I'm glad to here that you are putting an end to such a destructive relationship. I know that can't be easy for you.

Incredible Me said...

WLS is just another kind of "growing" experience in our lives. There are always so many more.

I'm glad your therapist was able to see you so you could work things out of your head and get you situated back where you need to be.

I know that this is a very hard thing that you are going through, but it seems like you are already seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and that is such a good thing.

Sharon said...

I have BTDT. My marriage was crappy for a long, long time. I never had the balls to do anything about it. WLS made me look at my life differently, and gave me the courage to move on. And I have. And I haven't had a day where I've been sorry. Stay strong, do what you need to for YOU. Hard as a mom to do this - but you can. And it will be better.