Taking control and letting go.....

I have done alot of soul searching both from the experiences I have been through this past few years and what is personally going on in my current life. I have devoted alot of time and energy into making a life that I am comfortable in. I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin, I am truly loving myself now and what I am morphing into...it's all part of the broad picture that I have lived with for most of my life since teenhood. I used to think that there was a magic fat fairy keeping me the way I was, when in fact it was my own insecurities, and discomfort within myself and things that happened along time ago that kept me a fat, then morbidly obese adult. I have comforted myself with food. While some people can say they comfort themselves with drugs, or alcohol you wouldn't readily know this walking down the street and seeing them. With a person who comforts themselves with food, the proof is in the person, it's very evident who does and who doesn't. It's a stigma, a shame that we have lived with our whole lives. I can remember one time in 5th grade summer when I started gaining my mother would say, you must eat salad while the rest of the family sat down and indulged in a fat rich diet of hamburger without grease drained off or rich chocolate cake for dessert while I had a piece of fruit. To say this shame and stigma wasn't evident that early on would be a lie. I resented my mother and her manipulations at trying to make me healthy and thinner while feeding the rest of the family whole fat foods. It was ingrained in my chemistry from that point on. I would sneak spoonfuls of peanut butter, dip a finger or two or three into cookie batter, cake batter, frosting. Sneak handfuls of cookies or chips or whatever I could lay my hands on. In school I would trade my lunch of a healthy sandwich and fruit for a full fat chips, crackers, ice cream sandwich. Anything that was "FORBIDDEN" was my friend, or so I thought so. So in reality I was setting myself up for disaster thinking what I was doing was good for me, but in reality it was only retaliation for what my mother was trying to help me with. Had she eaten with me the same dish, maybe and just maybe I would have thought differently about this, but she didn't and 30 years later here I was entering the internet and starting my pursuit of WLS. I had gained and lost 400-600 lbs quite a few times over the next 30 years. The years of yo-yoing were destroying my body as well as my mind and psyche and the worst of it, I had no idea. I thought I was doing what a million other people were doing and I would resign myself to the fact that I was fat and was destined to be for life everytime another diet failed. Little did I know back when I first started doing research on WLS that this was a new beginning of my life. I was scared and kept it all private. I did not tell a soul, not my parents, best friend or even my husband and kids. I kept it all bottled up until 2 years later after a partial knee replacement that stopped me in my tracks and my first appointment the surgeon to see if I qualified for the surgery to sit down and tell my husband. I was ashamed and wracked with guilt that I could not simply lose the weight on my own. But at the same time something else was starting to materialize in my head, that I am not the only person in the world with this problem. The internet and it's world of resources has shown me many, many stories of successes and failures with this surgery, and that I am not ALONE...although at times I still felt that way. I would sit in the waiting room of the surgeons office and try to sit quietly and discreetly away from others, I would shun public places and city streets. I wanted to be "normal" and melt into a crowd, however the reality was I was morbidly obese and did not fit into this norm. People who were close saw the true me, the inner person with all her life and vitality, which was probably a bit overboard to compensate for the fact that she was fat. I hated getting ready for any event, whether it be a trip to the shore with the kids or a wedding. Nothing I bought hung right or looked nice as far as I was concerned. I shunned mirrors, building with windows which you could see your reflection. I did not look people in the face when I spoke with them, I would glance off over their shoulder or avert my gaze elsewhere. It was embarrasing and I was ashamed. Ashamed is a word that keeps popping up...it's the reality of who I was and where my mind set was. So I had the surgery, went through the requirements, which all of them are in my blog, it's was humiliating at best but also totally necesary to get to the point I wanted to be. I had a plan, I had a dream, I am living this dream and making it a reality. The week of surgery, I came home 10lbs heavier, all bloated with IV fluids that constantlywere being pumped in my body, I was more ashamed than ever and felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life, I was gaining and not losing. I didn't know what to think or who to talk to, my skinny husband, the friend who didn't understand the parents who didn't even know yet. I kept it all bottled up and took it to support group. This is where I learned to love myself for who I am, they are my new "family". One of the first things you will hear a post op person say who is a bit down this road is that they rearrange your insides but not your head. This is a powerful message they are telling any pre-op or recently post op person. Take heed, listen to them, listen to what they are saying. Find yourself a good shrink and dietician, follow the doctor's directions, eat, sip, take your vitamins. This is a life altering surgery, one not to be taken lightly and one that cannot be turned off just because you don't feel like doing it anymore. So here I am almost 11 months out...I'm a new person on the outside, I don't always recognize the person that looks back at me in the mirror or a snapshot, however I will say I am getting more comfortable with this person and those instances are becoming more and more infrequent. I am finding out that I am living my dream, it is becoming a part of me and who I want to be. It's my reality. I'm pleased as punch, I blend in when I walk down the street, I look at the mirrors and the windows, I like what I see!! I am still battling those inner demons when stress rears it's ugly head, I wouldn't be human if I said I weren't. But the truth of the matter is I am in love with person I've become, I like her, she would so be my friend and lover or companion. I have learned to like the person I'm becoming, I'm even loving her most days. So I have come to the conclusion that I am taking control of my life and letting go of all that stands in my way. Unfortunately some people and things are not happy about this, but it is my reality and my dream of the life I want to live!