Forgiveness?

So I have a friend (let's call her M) and she and I had a falling out awhile ago as some readers may remember. Alot of it has to do with her low self esteem and my WLS journey. I haven't spoken with her in about 3-4 months and out of the blue she emails me yesterday asking for forgiveness. OK, I am a good person (at least I think so) and always want to be thought of as someone who takes the higher road and well forgiveness is simple right? WRONG, I was the one who got their feelings crushed and racked over because she couldn't deal. But again being the bigger person and more mature I am going to forgive her and have. We've talked a bit but boy she wasn't very sincere. So I wonder where and how far this friendship will actually go? It's a good question for me....and I wonder if any of you have ever dealt with this?

Attention or not?

I've noticed lately that alot of post WLS folks are sometimes embarrassed about the amount of attention that is drawn to them once they lost a significant amount of weight. While this weight may not be the goal they have pre-set for themselves or maybe they are only 1/2 way through their journey, for some they may be at goal, but it may be the most uncomfortable thing when you go to a party, outing or simply run into an old friend (who hasn't seen you in a while) and they gush, overboard at that. You become the topic of conversation, it is humiliating at best when all you tried to do pre-WLS is hide behind a fabric of distain and keep your distance from everyone. Your mind has a really hard time assimilating the fact that YES, you are beautiful and yes YOU have lost weight and look fantabulous! BUT WAIT, you are shy, and at best not in a frame of mind to handle this compliment. What do you do? Do you run out of the room and slink back to your bed, pull the sheets over your head and hide? Or can you simply take the compliment move the subject along and pray they don't bring it back up. I have found that I can accept the compliment, while I don't always believe in the compliment I do realize that I have worked very hard to loose these 90 some lbs and even though I have more to go to be at my personal and doctor goal I have lost the equivalent of a boy scout. That is a victory in itself. I am not a defeatist to run and hide and can graciously accept said compliment but many can't and to tell you the truth I haven't heard of alot of people who are mentally prepared to deal with this post-surgery.

Post surgery, you are trying to walk, sip and get in any amount of protein that can justify a means to an end. Once you get a little further out, you make a meal plan, stick to it religiously and the weight simply falls off. Then you hit six months and you hit a plateau, once this happens you have usually lost about 1/2 or more of your expected weight loss, but wait...NO ONE says now you need to learn how to accept the compliments and be a part of the IN crowd. You are socially acceptable in gatherings, you are winked at by men walking down the street. You have superiors who praise your work (not that it is different than the work you used to submit) but this is society. We are raised on books like VOGUE, ELLE, etc which body size is important. They say you should be fit and healthy, but what model is fit and healthy at a size 0 when she's 5'10" tall? You see hip bones protrude and collar bones appear and even the ribs. You once knew they were tucked away in your body all safe and sound under those layers and layers of fat, but now you can see them! SHOCK at it's best is all I can say. I am still amazed that I have hip bones and when I lay I see and feel them, pointy little buggers they are. Of course when I stand I still have the panni to deal with so they are still tucked away a bit and safe for now.

I still have a hard time with body image. Someone actually called me skinny this weekend. Of course I thanked her but at the same time ran and looked in the mirror and all I saw was the fat panni hanging and the loose, wiggly, jiggly jello type skin hanging off my thighs and the bat wings and I thought, where is this skinny person she is referring too? I do not always assimilate me with this person, she and I have not become one person yet. I am working on this, it's a hard, upward battle, which I intend on winning but only because I'm not a defeatist. I want to be the best I can in health and there for my children when they bring their's over to visit with me (in the future of course) but I also and doing this for ME!!!

So thank you to the drs and NUTS and all those who have marched in my shoes before me, whether you've had RNY, DS or Banding, we are all one and united in this million people march to victory.

Friday

I'm am seriously exhausted this a.m. I didn't want to get up, nor did I stay up late. I made myself exercise, which was half assed at best this a.m. It's horrible. I have a headache and my nose is all stuffy....I'm am turning into that whiney crybaby that I hate!! WAHHHHHHH

Enough of that it is Friday! I'm so darned happy. Tonight the boys and I are doing something, what I have no idea as I've left it up to them. Tomorrow I still have no idea but the weather looks like it may cooperate a tad more than I originally thought so maybe the shore is not out of the question, we'll see. I would love to sit by the beach and vege for a bit...I really need it. Sometime I do have to grocery shop as I am running out of everything and clean and do wash...yuck and double yuck. I wish I could afford someone to come in a do all of this stuff which I hate. Maybe someday when I win the lottery :)

On another note the asst has been a royal PIA the last few days...The new one starts Monday so they will have a week of overlap, how I wish that would change but alas it's not. I have to deal with it, hopefully he won't snark his way through next week, because I will surely have something to say about that, sorry you are so perfect that you can't even file!! What a story that one is...he was asked to put away last fiscal filing, so it appeared that he literally grabbed handfuls of folders and dumped them any which way into a filing box and put them away...WTF is that, I was out looking for something yesterday and opened the box what a disaster. So when asked to correct this he apologizes and states this "my IQ is so darn high that I don't even realize when I mess up the simplest thing" what is that?? I am still perplexed...but anyhow that honeymoon is over and moving on...

So I hope to have an enjoyable weekend and we'll see you all on the flip side.

The bloat

I feel like I swallowed a watermelon...I will say at this point eight month's out I thought some things like my period would have started to regulate a bit but nope, nada, zip, zilch...So hopefully some more exercise will eleviate this bloat and I can resume my regular program.

I need to call the doctor tomorrow and reschedule my visit which coincides with vacation!! yes a real vacation next month! I can't wait, beach, sand water and surf will be mine for a whole luxurious week!

I need to get some things wrapped as the new asst starts Monday, I'm very excited about this prospect as this one has to go and fast!! So I need to plan the weekend and see what the heck is going on with this humid possibly very rainy weekend

Apologies

For the rude comment that a fellow co-worker spewed at me yesterday. Evidently his boss overheard it and was none too happy. Although I was shocked and thought it to be a bit rude, this person is just generally like that. OY So anyway apology accepted and no more comments will be made...yeah right!

I've turned into a bit of a slug also lately. I don't know what has come over me, but I can't seem to shake it. I'm still exercizing, but dont' feel like I'm giving it my ALL. Maybe it's just that I am running all the time, I'm tired, who knows. Anyhow, I will perservere and it too shall pass.

DS1 has two more football games (7 on 7) and then he'll have a week break before training starts...the vacation is three weeks and a few days away! thank god...I'm tired and ate way too much yesterday. Felt like I was wearing a hollow leg. Today I feel gross, upset tummy...I guess so since I had one too many bad things yesterday!

I've lost

my boobs...it's a sad day. I've been informed, or rather misinformed by a co-worker that my boobs are gone. After I got over the embarrassment of the whole situation I had to confer that yes in my attempt at a healthier life it has left me with less than desirable boobs. Unfortunately they have to be tucked in the bra to look nice and without said bra, well you wouldn't even want to go there!

So it's a done deal....I'm not sure I would want a boob job, but ....

A little update

The weekend was a blur and very stressful. I found myself, more than once wanting to take the edge off my nerves with food. Of course doing so would just make me sick....so I lived through it. My grandma (who's 95) was found unconscious Friday, they took her to the hospital and she was thoroughly dehydrated and has had another minor heart attack, thank goodness for all that but it took us 9 hours to find this out. Saturday the kids and I had plans to hike and meet friends up in Kutztown, so we went (at my mother's prodding) she said she would be home to take care of grandma, well we got home that night and I called in to check only to find out she and my sister had been out all day shopping for wedding stuff! WHAT!!! My mother has no cell (I know she's probably only one of 10 people who don't) anyhow no one checked in on grandma after they dropped her home and nestled her in bed that day. I was flamed. So Sunday I spent some time at grandma's and with sister who leaves today for Greece...good luck and hope to see you soon!

So we did have a nice hike (although small) on Saturday but it was perfect to get back into the swing of it. I also found a Denise Austin yoga tape so that was cool. It's a combo pilates and yoga...I have some problems with the yoga and the right knee, it doesn't want to comply with all the moves with the partial in there...I don't know if it ever will!

Anyhow the weather was nice and warm and low humidity and the company was great....so all in all it was a good weekend.

8 months ago today

It's not a year yet but what progress I have made in 8 months....

this was me:




and today:



what a difference a few months make. I have been relieved of all neck, back and knee pain, off most of my meds and have found a new interest in exercise that I never had before the way I do now. I enjoy my life and all it has to offer and thanks to Dr. Irgau who made all this possible for me!

WOW it's been a couple of days

How did I get by without posting!! LOL I know I've been busy. Work is manic, we are in the process of hiring a replacement for the one on his way out(thank god) and I'm part of this process at my request so I can weed out any undesirables from the get go! It's been a long week of interviewing but well worth my time invested. There are a few options right now but still a few more to see today.

Scale is moving downward again...it seems like I plateau for a bit (couple of weeks) and then I see movement. I've also rearranged my eating again hoping it will be more conducive to long term eating than not. Exercise is back in full swing thanks to the wonderful Dr. C who gave me the cortizone shot last Friday and it seems to have worked wonders!

It's fun to shop...WOW did I ever think that way? No, in fact I used to hate, HATE, hate clothes shopping. I always had one excuse or another as to why, but I believe that deep down the reason was because I was FAT and the options were horrid! Now that is not the case. Of course I would love to find a bra that would enhance my boobs (or lack thereof) and that I could fold the excess skin into looking natural and not stuffed! I tried on some at VS a few weeks back and ran out of there in tears mortified because the stuffed portions of skin were hanging out the top and it wasn't attractive.

We are venturing out to a cave for an expedition in PA this weekend, should be interesting and I hope fun to say the least. I don't know but I do know I will be able to handle all the walking and steps..hooray. I would love to go hiking but haven't had the chance to get any in this summer, making that a priority for next when the oldest is done with football and moving on to college.

Off tomorrow to pickup the sister, who is flying in for her last weekend home until next year. She will marry in late October on the island and then we will do it again next year here in the USA. I'm so happy for her, but will miss her immensely. So I'll be Philly airport bright and early hoping for no delays!!

I really don't have much else exciting going on, tomorrow is my 8 month surgiversary so pics and measurements will be in store for me.

New Clothes

Yeah I found some really fabulous buys yesterday and didn't have to mortgage the house to bring them home! I tried on some 8's for the most part they fit except one pair of docker's pants. I'm so happy....I really am starting to feel like I've made it somewhere outside of the fat girl I once was. Today I have on a pretty Nine West top of burgundy and saffron flowers and black skirt to compliment. I feel pretty! I can't remember the last time I put on a dress, skirt or any clothes and actually felt pretty. It's a remarkable feeling that I don't want to lose anytime in the near future.

Yesterday the blazing humidity came back with a vengence, although the calendar says July I would quite like it if it were spring or fall...and not so bloody humid. Ah well I'll be complaining how cold I am in about 4 months right! :)

Picked up some great fruit at the local farmers market yesterday too! I do love the fresh fruit and veggies that summer brings!!

Ah Saturdays......

I love Saturdays. They must be my favorite day of the week.

This a.m. I was up long before the sun and cleaning like a fool. I've noticed that with my WLS the more I lose the more energy and less sleep I need to maintain my lifestyle. It's amazing to me. Before I would slug around and procrastinate everything until the 11th hour.

I've made a set of cards that I will be selling at my craft show. They have turned out beautifully along with a nice little memory book. I've even made a Walmart trip and it's only 3pm. I have chicken to grill tonight and a nice book to enjoy outside later. What more could I ask for, some earned downtime!

The asst at work got his promotion, thank god for me, and yes I feel sorry for them. But that is no longer my problem!

so I'm off to enjoy the rest of the day, looking to get a good walk in, got to remember the ped to track how far I've been going. Oh and the cortizone shot worked wonders, I feel great

Ciao

Friday and junk

So it's Friday again, thank god. It's been a long, short week for me. I have a ton of work to do and no motivation to get any of it done, so here I sit blogging away.

It's going to be a nice weekend, we have a few house items to take care of so I guess we will be laying close to home for the most part. DH is finishing his first week back at work, can I get an AMEN! He's feeling the pressure of being back at work, but seemingly easing back into great.

The one boy is off to his father's for the weekend, so that will clear up some issues of what will go on. The other one wants to go to a water park, on a weekend! What are you friggin crazy! We'll have to see about that one.

I want to do some clothes shopping as my size 10's are starting to really get loose, I am figuring 8's are in the bag for me right now. Of course here I go fixating on sizes again!

I also want to get some sort of exercise regime that is different going on. I have found I love, love, love pilates. 85 lb ago I would have told you to go to hell if you even mentioned exercise let alone something like pilates! Hee hee, it's my new stressbuster. I have heard great things about Mari Windsor so we'll see how that pans out.

I almost forgot, here is a very bad picture of dh and me. Don't mind the windblown hair we had no time to brush before we smiled :)



So with that everyone enjoy....it's summer and it won't last forever!!

Quickie on the doc

So I went in this a.m. Did I ever mention I love my ortho surgeon, he's the best, has treated me fairly and made sure I received the utmost care through all of this knee crap. I actually was about to embark on my WLS venture when the knee thingy came up and stopped me dead in my tracks a few years back. Ok so anyhow, he came in the room, said excuse me and walked out, then rattled a few papers in the hallway and came back in all red and embarrassed. He thought he went in the wrong room, he said I was "unrecognizable". As flattered as I was I still couldn't wrap my brain around that! Oh he's such a nice guy....well the long story short is I have bursitis in my calf muscle...He gave me a quickie cortizone shot in the muscle (can you say OWIE) and then I walked up and down the hall a bit and he sent me on my way. I should be good as new in a few days. All I could think is that I'm not screwed, I can continue with my exercise routine and god bless him. I know the fear that this would end my wls venture was reeling in my head heavily. Why? Who the hell knows, maybe GOD himself and maybe no one at all, but that is the mentality I am still having regarding being put in situations like this. Is it wrong? Is it right? No one knows, but I've been saved again! THANK GOD

Fuzzy and medicated

I'm medicated up to my ears, my head feels like it's one big haze but life goes on and so does work. Tomorrow a.m. is the doc, I'm still having funny feelings that something is definitely wrong with this leg, that it will throw me back to my former self of no exercise....I am absolutely HATING this feeling. But the knee is painful, even when I'm just sitting so.....

A short bit on therapy, it's going really well, although I want to talk more about my WLS issues than my marriage (because it's going well) and she doesn't want to...I almost think I need another therapist to start helping me deal with these issues, but truthfully, I believe they go hand in hand with what is going on in my everyday life. I am getting all kinds of comments but my mind is still seeing the fattie girl staring back from the mirror. Sometimes when I'm in the bathroom at work I look at the girl in the mirror and wonder who is she? It's got to be the craziest thing I've ever heard of, AM I CRAZY!! I hope not, but at this point anything is possible. Heck, I've slid up on the steel board and had the nice doctor rearrange my insides to help me lose weight, how much more crazy do you get. No that's not crazy, that's my life. I can't eat rice, bread, cucumbers, anything too sweet...but it was my choice and one I would do in a New York second if I had to start all over again. I've had zero regrets that this was the right decision for me.

Icky feeling

I have a headcold. I feel miserable. It has been a long, long time since I've been sick at all and I hate it! Sore throat, headache, body aches...it's going to be a long, long day!

Where did that pain come from

I've been having knee pain for about a week now, no new exercise or nothing that triggers my mind to say OW that's how that happened. So yesterday I called the ortho surgeon and have an appointment on Friday a.m. I'm fearful that I will become the person I was before, not able to exercise and that the weight will start coming back, in the back of my mind I know this is silly but it's the reality I'm living with until Friday. I don't understand why, 1 1/2 years after surgery and therapy that I'm suddenly feeling this way!

I did walk again last night, I almost will my body to do it while the whole time I'm in pain. I am struggling with my mind to make this go away.

I want to hide and come out when it's all fixed!

Extended weekends

I took an extra day off this weekend to contend with some things that are going on in life. Suffice to say it all worked out wonderfully. I'm pleased and forward progress is happening.

I wanted to take a minute and thank those who've I've connected with online via the ring. The IM service is a wonderful thing and I got to know a few of the other sassies out there and it was nice!!

My car is back in the shop out back here at work getting looked at. I had a strange thing happen during my drive yesterday and it wasn't pleasant, hopefully this won't set me back too many $$.

Oh and the knee (the one which I've had partial knee replacement on) is killing me. I have a call into the doc (knee surgeon) and want to get in soon. It's been killing me since Thursday last week and with apparent reason I can think of. Hopefully, it's just old age and bones and nothing severe to worry about.

It's hot and humid and bloody miserable here too! Just to add to it all, I'm having a horrible hair day! Actually I have bad hair days regularly as I have thin, baby fine straight hair. With the addition of the strange curly's that are growing back where I lost my hair, it's definitely not a good look on anyone.

I would love to be sitting on a beach reading a book right about now, but they pay me to work here so.......

Today is Friday again.....

well that would be true if I had Wed off this week, but alas I didn't.

Just some bullets for today as I'm feeling lazy and don't want to get into details:

-size 10's are getting big
-food is going down pretty good these days
-water is up, hopefully it can stay that way
-summer is heating up, not sure if I like this or not
-TGIF!! can't say enough there
-I'm tired this week (not sure why)
-my head is swimming with things that need to be done (maybe this is why I'm tired)
-It's the weekend, ok I know I've said that but it can't come soon enough

So on that note, ciao, everyone have a great one

Family

I think someone once told me that God made friends to make up for having family!! It's a pun supposed to be taken that way, but sheesh sometimes I feel like I have the most mixed up family in the world! I have one brother, who for the most part since he was married in 99 does not spend anytime, via phone, visits or whatsoever with our immediate family (with the exception of our mother when he needs a babysitter) in the past 7 1/2 years. He claims he CANNOT speak with our father, nor does he call me, or my other two sisters at all. So here's why this is remarkable to me. My youngest sister is getting married in Oct, in Greece. Of all the immediate family that could be in attendance my mother and him are going to be the only two. I have work, which unfortunately has a rule that allows no vacation from Oct through Dec 31st. Weird as it sounds you miss a day you feel like you miss a month! My other sister has a store she owns which she and her husband almost run solo now and can't get away, my father does not wish to see the mother therefore he won't go. So that leaves brother and mother to go which is totally fine with me, although there is a little nag in me wishing I could also be there. You see my youngest sister and I are very close, we are 6 days short of 11years apart in age but are as close as twins could be, we look alike, think alike, finish one another's sentances...ok so you get the idea, plus the whole idea of spending a week in Greece sounds absolutely divine to me. I'd love to ramble among the rocks, I mean ruins that made up ancient Greece and learn a little about the world out there. But alas I will make my journey, hopefully, next spring. So the disfunctiality of my family lives on and who knows what craziness will happen next.

Happy 4th

Unfortunatley for me today is not a recognized holiday for work, so here I am....I do get to use it as a floater though and love it when Turkey day rolls around and everyone works the day after but ME!!

Doing pretty darn good with my food and exercise, have fought and hopefully beat that dreaded carb monster for the moment at least. It's always in my mind though. Last night I stocked up on some great berries and made a beautiful salad out of it that I will top with a ricotta cheese mixture flavored with splenda and vanilla....added a few slivered almonds and breakfast...viola... I can't wait to have it in a bit. Right now I'm having coffee to kick start my day a bit and then we'll move on.

No special plans for this holiday, and it is raining so not too sure about the fireworks for tonight either. So all in all it seems like just a regular ole day to me!

When is enough?

Enough food, enough praise and enough criticism. I seem to be falling under each of these now, some more than others. I eat till I'm full, one day that may be more food than the other. I take in everyone's praise and for the most part am thankful I'm alive to enjoy it, but on the other hand I have my share of criticism lately. You are too thin, you don't eat enough, you should stop losing, you will fall away to nothing. OK for the record right now I weigh 165, I'm 5'5 and I'm not where "medical science" believes is a good weight, if I were there I would weigh more like 140ish give or take a few lbs. So believe me when I say I'm not thin, but I am drastically thinner than the former self pre-surgery. I have lost 81.5 lb which is a small child, but the point being I'm healthier and I've accepted that if I don't reach that goal of 140 it's ok because I'm ok. I'm almost off all my meds (currently weaning off the last bp pill) and I can walk, exercise (with a vengence) and do things I haven't been able to do in years. All I ever wanted to be was healthy, and be there for my boys when they get older and hopefully marry and bring me grandchildren. I want to be there for my dh and enjoy our lives as we grow older and do things that I wouldn't have dreamed of in my former state of being. So for all of those out there who like to critize me, enough is what I've had when I deem that is necessary. I don't need anyone to tell me what to do or how to live my life. I am enjoying myself and you should be enjoying your life and not worrying so much about mine!

Picture Perfect

was the exact words to describe the "big" boat ride this weekend. I had no time to download my pics from my camera but I will. It was a gorgeous 89' yacht we rode down the Hudson to the Statue of Liberty (while blaring Neil Diamond) then up the East River and back up the Hudson. The weather was gorgeous, company great and everyone had an excellent time. Aftewards we went down to The Chart House near Palisades and had dinner overlooking the New York City skyline as the sunset. It was the ending of a beautiful day watching the full moon ascend over the city that never sleeps.

Sunday was back to reality with cleaning, wash and all those other motherly duties that we all really wish we could hire help for!! We've planned the vacation and are leaving on the 18th of August for a week. I cannot wait for a little R&R with no work and no worrying about anything!

Weight is down for the week, which is where it should be. Periods are still being irratic, which is driving me absolutely bonkers. Kids are being their normal selves (which always isn't good) and life goes on. I'm tired from all the activities and will come back and post my pictures soon