Happy Halloween

So this is the first halloween of the new me. I went to a costume party (which was a blast) and never got around to decorating or anything for the kids. In fact, if I don't get to the store at lunch I won't even have sweet treats for them tonight!! So I have a full day of work and running errands at lunch.

So this weekend my plans include alot of cleaning and purging...starting over if youwill.

I have been finally maintaining my weight for a few days, it has been dipping rather drastically, or at least I feel rather drastically. I feel like crap and all bloated and crampy today, so that explains that....I have been exercising, yoga still being my exercise of choice...back at the cardio at least 3x a week also. I've been really having difficulties squeezing that in sometimes, so I need a new creative plan to do some at home after work if need be.

I am coming up on my one year surgiversary this month of November. It's hard for me to believe it's been almost a year already, it feels like I was just starting out on this journey yesterday. I have learned alot this past year, about myself, my body and my needs and wants. I know they haven't been all positive, but it's who I am and where I am in my journey.

I'm looking forward to 2008 with renewed hope that things will definitely be brighter for me!

Yeah the weekend

It's been a long/short week for me at work. Time has flown being so busy but so crammed full of things to do. I'm drained, but looking forward to this weekend. I so wanted to dress up and go out for Halloween and no one wanted to, now we are going to a party and I'm not prepared. I'll have to think of something quick today for tomorrow night! Tonight I have another date, it will be our third, Wed this week we went out to dinner and a movie. That was nice and I do enjoy my time with him, sorry he's leaving soon, but that is how it is. I believe he told me next weekend is his last here :( Anyhow, tonight we are going to dinner and to see my friend Kevin's new band play, that should be nice. My gf and some other friends are meeting us there. Tomorrow we have college visit at Towson and then tomorrow night a Halloween party. Sunday will be rest, cleaning and house crap. Such a busy month this was and it's quickly coming to an end. We need to buckle up and get our applications filled out and sent in now...he needs to finish scholarship paperwork and then we wait again until Jan for the next round of paperwork. I don't remember college being such a big project when I went a million moons ago!! lol

Exercise is going well, back in the cardio, it feels good and I can definitely tell the difference when I do it. I'm searching high and low for some good back sculpting exercises, I think I've found some, but need to get a band to do them with. The bands I have don't do the job correctly. Maybe this weekend I'll run up to Target and see if they have the band I need. Yoga is still a source of inspiration and relaxation for me. That is key in this changing times. Weight is down again, I can tell by my clothes, it still amazes me that now I lose in stress where before I would eat through stress and gain at least 10-15 lb each time....how things change.

The rain has also moved in the other day, it's hanging around for 1/2 of the weekend plus bringing in cooler more fall like temps. Sweaters are out as I'm freezing and I was thinking just yesterday I don't know how I'm going to cope with winter, but we'll take it as it comes. I also need to go shopping for a new winter coat as well because all my old ones I can almost wrap around me. I've been looking but nothing amazing has caught my eye yet!!

A small glimmer of hope inside

a tangled web that has been woven. That's how I and where I feel my life is right now. It's not negative, it's not positive, but it's getting there piece by piece.

First of all I need to express my sincerest thanks to all my cyber friends who are there in spirit with me. I am reading the comments and thank you, thank you. A big cyber hug to you all, I feel the love :)

So yesterday afternoon soon to be xh called and wants to talk, uh oh is my first gut reaction. I said I'm at work, let's do this tonight, where I'm better equiped to deal with whatever he throws my way. Thank god he was being reasonable but it worked out. So I leave work only to find out that I've locked my keys in my car. Good grief, thank god my son has my spare pair and was just leaving school, so a small detour and we were on our way home...

I get home, we eat, then sit down to chat. It was a positive chat, more arrangements were/are being made by him. It's positive, moving forward in a manner that is acceptable to all parties involved directly and indirectly. I tell him I have a work function tonight, so I won't be home, no suspicions, just an ok. I've made arrangements for dinner to be provided for the kids, his job is to be there for them, I know now I will need to rethink this plan down the road these things come up time to time! Anyhow, at the end of the conversation I felt positive, the first time in quite a few days. My therapist called shortly after to check in on me, I'm good I tell her, we will see each other next week, unless another emergency comes up!! I'm in a good place again, the place I want to be. Happiness through this blur of rain that is coming down outside is what I am living. I can't wait for things to progress a little more, but I am patient and understanding (at least I hope I am) I will need to remember this the next time things don't go my way!! lol So Friday I am going on another date! I'm excited, except the date is to the football game, because my kid is playing and he's agreed to come along, how fun! Then we are going to grab a bite to eat....yeah...it's the right distraction at the right time. Life is fun again!!

I refuse

to become the agitator at this point in our lack of relationship! The times are trying and thank god my therapist agreed to see me as an emergency last night. After the weekend....I was definitely in need for some one on one time with her. So last night was a good session and it gave me alot to think about and things I need to get moving on and so forth. Thank god for my therapist, I don't think I could do this without her, she is my strength to keep me focused on what is going on. I feel sometimes it is just easier to give in and let bygones be bygones, but where will that leave me? Right back where I am now, miserable, unhappy and all that crap that goes with it. So I know deep down this is the right decision, not to be taken lightly or so quickly but it's been along time coming.

So we are back at square one with him moving out, it's the most aggravating for me, not sure how he feels about it, but I feel like we just moved 10 steps backward and he is using this as a means to try and wiggle back with me. I just don't understand it, I don't want to be harsh and mean but I just want us both to move on, this time for good. Why is that so hard to explain and get across to him??

My poor blog has turned into something of a daily crying session for me, I'm not miserable, in fact I'm in a very happy place in my life, but these obstacles that are coming up are just unbearable for now. I have a life, my life with what I choose to do with it now or in the future just seems so wide open to me, the thrill of what is to come and what decisions I will or will not make for my future are just the beginning of a new life for myself. Have I made these changes based on WLS and the things that have happened physically or mentally to me, partly, I will not deny that, but deep down our marriage has been in trouble for years, too many to count. I think it has just given me the strength to stand up and take notice of how miserable I am and finally do something about it. My children are the biggest supporters of my decisions and my soon to be xh is the biggest downer of them all :(

So starting over, it's an exhilerating and frightening feeling, that I am ready to deal with. I have alot of living to do and want to enjoy the next half of it much more than I enjoyed the first half!

It was a half and half

The beginning of the weekend was wonderful, until it all changed around 11am on Sunday morning. I had a great time Friday night on my date, the rain held off, my hair held on (thank god) and we had a nice dinner. He was such a gentleman and I got to know more about him and he about me. He was sweet and nice and a perfect person. I was on cloud 9 all through Sat. lol It actually felt nice to have someone to talk to and listen and not be judgemental or rude or derogatory. Sat was a great day, ds2 bowled excellent, ds1 won their football game, the weather was beautiful and we all had a great day....Sat night my gf and I hung out, watched a movie and just did girl stuff, which was a nice switch too!!

Friday finally

I'm a bundle of nerves....

This morning we had to run and get ds1 a knee brace so he can play football tomorrow. Then I almost forgot to give him the money for their field trip...oy vey what a morning. The rest of the day will be busy and then running again tonight. I'm very nervous about this date, but very comfortable with the person as we've talked quite a few times this week :) I'm not really looking for anything long term and I think he's not either so that is good! I know that sounds kind of weird but it's not where I am at in my life right now. Soon to be xh is moving officially the 1st of Nov. Well actually that weekend, he was approved for his rental. Other than that family life is chugging along.

DS1 also has one college visit this weekend, so we'll see what he thinks of this one. I am not going as I do not think it's a good choice, but him and his dad will have plenty of input on that one. You never know.

I got in my yoga this a.m. will unfortunately miss my elliptical at lunch as I need to make up time, but with this weather (hot, muggy, humid and rain coming) I don't need to get all sweaty at lunch anyhow today. Tonight will be a challenge enough to pull myself together!

After the rain this evening it is supposed to be a glorious weekend, cooler weather just in time for tomorrow a.m. football game. I know ds1 is excited to be back on the squad. After that me and ds2 are just handing out for the weekend, gettiing errands and whatever done! It will be a nice and quiet one for a change!!

Enjoy, autumn is here in the NE

Middle of the week, middle of the road

No more has been said about xh moving out this Friday, I hope and hold my breath that things haven't changed. Communication is not one of our forte's these days so I hope he gets past it, because everytime I ask him something he comments back either one of two items, you don't boss me around anymore or I'm not here for you to talk to...UGH men!! lol

I sat down one on one with my little boy last night and had a talk with him, he was ok, said he was sad but agrees that it will be better without his father and I arguing all the time. I think we both came out of that conversation feeling much better.

I can't wait for my date Friday, I'm so excited and nervous at the same time. It's been a million years since I've been on a date, I don't think I even know how to act on a date. lol Maybe I should talk to the 17 yr old and get some pointers, oh on second thought maybe not :) Speaking of the 17 year old, he came home the other day with a nice noticeable passion mark on his neck....teenagers!! lol I asked him where he got that and he said in gym. I asked him if he bumped into a vacuum in gym...he was confused :)

I have to tell you though I am dealing with the seasonal disorder bad this year. I thought I might just miss it, but last night around 7pm it was pitch black and I was thinking it felt more like 11pm than7pm...I hate this early sunsets...it drives me crazy! I can't wait for dec 23rd when the sun starts shining more every day!

I have also decided that I am going to sell my home next summer. I know it's a big step but I think in the best interest of everyone I'm going to do it. It will be alot of extra care that I can't guarantee I will have time or money to invest in for the years to come. It's too big and too much $$ in maintenance and care. So I will start prepping this winter and hopefully be able to move by sometime next summer.

DS1 spent alot of time online last night with the college pages, I hope he is making more of a decision on where he wants to go and what he would like to study as we only have a little bit of time left before applications are due.

Christmas is also right around the corner, although technically we have over two months, I get so busy and time gets right away from me that it is here before I've done any shopping!

So on and on goes life..I feel good and am getting ready to go visit my elliptical whichI miss dearly....cheers

Tuesday

Work is busy, enough said about that one.

Last night the soon to be xdh sat down with his son and explained his absences from the household. I held my breath the whole time, but it seemed to be a little ok, the boy said he thought something was going on and it explained alot of things for him. I want to sit down with him on my own and have a talk with him also. I haven't gotten any cardio in about 5 days other than the endless running of errands and some walking...I miss the elliptical. Weight routine has been changed drastically and I'm finally starting to see some results...it's been about 4-5 weeks since I've implemented the new plan so I'm quite pleased so far with the results. Getting in your 40's and having WLS your skin looses alot of elasticity, so I'm dealing with alot of those issues right now!! I've been alternating the yoga and weight routine everyday so at least the exercise is ongoing. Also, I've noticed with a pair of slacks today that they are looser, plus the scale showed a 5lb loss since last week. I can't remember having that kind of loss since early out on this whole journey!!

Life is good, I am happy, xh is actually happy now too!! things are progressing...

Weekend recap

Wow I've been busy, almost too busy to stop by here!! lol The weekend was a beautiful, wonderful blur. I actually only logged about 10 hours of sleep between Friday morning and Sunday morning. By late Sunday I was feeling the effects. Friday night we went out dancing, saw my friends band and had a wonderful time. I met a great man, who is in fact taking me out to dinner Friday night. I know, I know, it's fast, but he's a nice guy and well he's leaving in a month, so I'm not looking for any long term commitment anyhow. Saturday was homecoming, we lost by 2pts, it was so close and what a great game played by both teams. Sat afternoon was chores and shopping, I was able to find some really great deals on fall and winter clothing and I took advantage of it to the hilt, I'm very proud of the nice little wardrobe I've been able to assemble in these purchases! Sat night was a friends party, then I went out with my gf to meet her new man. I felt like the third wheel but it was a fun night. Homecoming dance was also that night and my son looked so handsome. Here's a pic of us:


Sunday was football and cleaning and wash...I was tired but managed to get to bed at a decent hour.

Exercised both days so that in itself was a plus!!

I will never understand

why people act the way they do. They tell you they like you and so on and so forth and then turn on you in a heartbeat. I experienced this with two of my close friends yesterday and I was shocked, horrified and very sad to see this happen to old friends of mine. Have i changed that much, that they feel they need to act like this? I don't think so, but with no explanation or anything it's hard to tell. I tried to speak with each of them about this, but totally was ignored and then later again but again totally ignored. Am I becoming a self absorbed blithering idiot as one put it so nicely! I don't think so, other's don't either....but who knows.

So I pumped up the exercise double last night, boy did I feel it this a.m. when I stretched with my yoga, I felt muscles I didn't know I had. I took out all my aggressions in my weights, poor weights :) I will have to say that I am glad that I have found exercise as a new outlet to stress and agression in my life. A year ago if this situation happened, I would have headed straight to a store and the pastry or candy rack. I would have loaded up and feasted to my hearts content in my car, but instead I went home and worked out...I went right upstairs changed and had at it. The feeling of releasing those feelings was more than enough to get me going and back in a better mood. So here I am, wondering if I still have two friends who I really like and feel are dear to me, maybe, maybe not...but at least I did the positive release instead of the negative.

So now to work and listen to the girls and their great lives all day...lol

Middle of the week

and things are putting along. Soon to be xh is moving along with finding somewhere to live, suffice to say it hasn't been as bad as I expected with him around the house, but at some points very uncomfortable, he said he should be gone within the month. He was asking when I was filing, wow our state requires a six month separation first so you'll have to wait for that at least. Exercise is humming along, but I am missing my lunch workouts this week due to having to make up time that I missed. I have done some extra brisk walking at night but it's no where near the cardio exercise I get on the elliptical. So I needed something to make it up. DS1 starts his therapy on his leg on Thursday, I guess there is a slim chance he'll play next week, but we'll have to wait and see, this morning he is walking a bit better on it, I told him keep icing and stretching but not to strain and go all crazy with it!! I'm feeling very overwhelmed at work, lots to do but I'm trying to organize so it's going pretty smoothly.

That's about it, fall is coming, today is 80 and that's it, we should be in the 60's and low 70's by the weekend with lows down in the 40's I've really been looking forward to the feeling of fall with the leaves turning and the warm days followed by cool nights. I want to go to the pumpkin patch and do a hay ride, but both the boys looked at me like I am an alien so I guess I may not be going this year! we'll see if I can find someone who would want to join me. Also, I am wanting to dress up and go out to a Halloween party but I'm not sure that will pan out as the last weekend of this month when all the parties are I have college visits both Sat and Sun w/ds1...so much to do!! lol

Enjoy

Sleepy today

Last night was a great success, I felt like a million bucks and alot of the suppliers were very kind to notice and remark in favorable fashion to the weight loss. Last year I attended the trade show wearing a very nice two piece outfit, size 22...ouch! This year a svelte person entered the room wearing an 8 skirt and size S wine cardigan. In hindsight I should have gotten a picture but oh well. So I'm tired as it was a long night of working after a full 8 hour day, shows me I'm not as young as I think I am!!

Today I did my weights, although I really didn't feel like it, I am starting to notice some definition of muscle on the outside of my upper thigh, this is exactly where and what I wanted to happen. So that is a big yeah for that! Tonight I will have to get some sort of cardio in as I went to the doc with ds1 regarding his leg, he has a strained MCL so off to therapy for two weeks and hopefully he'll be back at it in no time on the field. I know he's anxious as there are five games left....This weekend is homecoming so we've been getting prepared for all of that also.

I have alot of work a sickening sinus headache with the cold front starting to move through and I'm tired...welcome to my Tuesday!! lol

Summer is not over yet...

So the calender says October 8th, but it feels more like July 8th here, hot and humid. Today's high should be around 87degrees. It's really hard to believe it's not July. The shorter daylight hours though is proof that it is. The weekend was great, busy and I'm thoroughly exhausted but full of fun and college visits. DS1 had his game Friday night downstate, a winner they were but with a injury to my ds, he has sprained his MCL...so off to call the doctor today and see if I can get him in there. Sat was college visitiation all day out in the hot and humid sun and Sunday was a day of cleaning and relaxation. I can't believe how quickly the weekend flew by.

I did get some shopping done for new jeans, size 5-6 juniors...woo hoo...never in a million years, I literally had to look at the tag a millions times because I thought it was a typo or the number would change...lol I had fun Sat night catching up with some girlfriends for a night out of dancing and such. Burning the candle on both ends is not what I'm good at anymore, but it was fun!!

Lots of walking this weekend too....yoga this a.m. and no more formal exercise today as we have our work trade show tonight. Should be another interesting day.

Taking control and letting go.....

I have done alot of soul searching both from the experiences I have been through this past few years and what is personally going on in my current life. I have devoted alot of time and energy into making a life that I am comfortable in. I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin, I am truly loving myself now and what I am morphing into...it's all part of the broad picture that I have lived with for most of my life since teenhood. I used to think that there was a magic fat fairy keeping me the way I was, when in fact it was my own insecurities, and discomfort within myself and things that happened along time ago that kept me a fat, then morbidly obese adult. I have comforted myself with food. While some people can say they comfort themselves with drugs, or alcohol you wouldn't readily know this walking down the street and seeing them. With a person who comforts themselves with food, the proof is in the person, it's very evident who does and who doesn't. It's a stigma, a shame that we have lived with our whole lives. I can remember one time in 5th grade summer when I started gaining my mother would say, you must eat salad while the rest of the family sat down and indulged in a fat rich diet of hamburger without grease drained off or rich chocolate cake for dessert while I had a piece of fruit. To say this shame and stigma wasn't evident that early on would be a lie. I resented my mother and her manipulations at trying to make me healthy and thinner while feeding the rest of the family whole fat foods. It was ingrained in my chemistry from that point on. I would sneak spoonfuls of peanut butter, dip a finger or two or three into cookie batter, cake batter, frosting. Sneak handfuls of cookies or chips or whatever I could lay my hands on. In school I would trade my lunch of a healthy sandwich and fruit for a full fat chips, crackers, ice cream sandwich. Anything that was "FORBIDDEN" was my friend, or so I thought so. So in reality I was setting myself up for disaster thinking what I was doing was good for me, but in reality it was only retaliation for what my mother was trying to help me with. Had she eaten with me the same dish, maybe and just maybe I would have thought differently about this, but she didn't and 30 years later here I was entering the internet and starting my pursuit of WLS. I had gained and lost 400-600 lbs quite a few times over the next 30 years. The years of yo-yoing were destroying my body as well as my mind and psyche and the worst of it, I had no idea. I thought I was doing what a million other people were doing and I would resign myself to the fact that I was fat and was destined to be for life everytime another diet failed. Little did I know back when I first started doing research on WLS that this was a new beginning of my life. I was scared and kept it all private. I did not tell a soul, not my parents, best friend or even my husband and kids. I kept it all bottled up until 2 years later after a partial knee replacement that stopped me in my tracks and my first appointment the surgeon to see if I qualified for the surgery to sit down and tell my husband. I was ashamed and wracked with guilt that I could not simply lose the weight on my own. But at the same time something else was starting to materialize in my head, that I am not the only person in the world with this problem. The internet and it's world of resources has shown me many, many stories of successes and failures with this surgery, and that I am not ALONE...although at times I still felt that way. I would sit in the waiting room of the surgeons office and try to sit quietly and discreetly away from others, I would shun public places and city streets. I wanted to be "normal" and melt into a crowd, however the reality was I was morbidly obese and did not fit into this norm. People who were close saw the true me, the inner person with all her life and vitality, which was probably a bit overboard to compensate for the fact that she was fat. I hated getting ready for any event, whether it be a trip to the shore with the kids or a wedding. Nothing I bought hung right or looked nice as far as I was concerned. I shunned mirrors, building with windows which you could see your reflection. I did not look people in the face when I spoke with them, I would glance off over their shoulder or avert my gaze elsewhere. It was embarrasing and I was ashamed. Ashamed is a word that keeps popping up...it's the reality of who I was and where my mind set was. So I had the surgery, went through the requirements, which all of them are in my blog, it's was humiliating at best but also totally necesary to get to the point I wanted to be. I had a plan, I had a dream, I am living this dream and making it a reality. The week of surgery, I came home 10lbs heavier, all bloated with IV fluids that constantlywere being pumped in my body, I was more ashamed than ever and felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life, I was gaining and not losing. I didn't know what to think or who to talk to, my skinny husband, the friend who didn't understand the parents who didn't even know yet. I kept it all bottled up and took it to support group. This is where I learned to love myself for who I am, they are my new "family". One of the first things you will hear a post op person say who is a bit down this road is that they rearrange your insides but not your head. This is a powerful message they are telling any pre-op or recently post op person. Take heed, listen to them, listen to what they are saying. Find yourself a good shrink and dietician, follow the doctor's directions, eat, sip, take your vitamins. This is a life altering surgery, one not to be taken lightly and one that cannot be turned off just because you don't feel like doing it anymore. So here I am almost 11 months out...I'm a new person on the outside, I don't always recognize the person that looks back at me in the mirror or a snapshot, however I will say I am getting more comfortable with this person and those instances are becoming more and more infrequent. I am finding out that I am living my dream, it is becoming a part of me and who I want to be. It's my reality. I'm pleased as punch, I blend in when I walk down the street, I look at the mirrors and the windows, I like what I see!! I am still battling those inner demons when stress rears it's ugly head, I wouldn't be human if I said I weren't. But the truth of the matter is I am in love with person I've become, I like her, she would so be my friend and lover or companion. I have learned to like the person I'm becoming, I'm even loving her most days. So I have come to the conclusion that I am taking control of my life and letting go of all that stands in my way. Unfortunately some people and things are not happy about this, but it is my reality and my dream of the life I want to live!

And so it goes

I've not been blogging, not in my best interest to do so on a public nature lately. Things have been progressing but not at any speed or grace which I had hoped. There are alot of underlying issues that keep popping up and it is straining things at best.

I've been exercising, trying out new routines to target specific areas and such, the thighs, buns and abs being the areas I really want to concentrate on now and try to reduce some of the flabbiness I'm left with. I can feel it, so I would suppose that means it's working!! A big plus for me. Yesterday I had my one year check up with the cardiologist. He was thoroughly impressed with my progression and has released me...it was a courtesy to him that I go, but with the racing heart symptoms I had in the hospital right after surgery I wanted to go too! He initially thought I was the drug rep in the lobby waiting to see him, how surprised when he walked into the room and found I was a patient. It still amazes me when I get a picture taken and I see it for the first time, I wonder who is that person who resembles me in there, I haven't quite gotten used to that yet.

So life goes on, it's not always the best of times right now, nor the worst....family israllying, weight is stable if not dropping a bit...and I'm positive that things will be better in the long run for all involved.

It's not an easy road

I've been dealing with alot of stress lately, of course the stbxh isn't helping any. Yesterday I almost had a meltdown here at work. I'm not blogging much about it, but if I'm scarce that's why. He is not making this easy, or shall I say one minute it is easy and the next it's nasty. It's almost like he's exhibiting a bi-polar tendency. I'm sure this is hard on him also, but it is what is best for both of us. Anyhow, eating is good, I'm exercising more aggressively to try and stave off these feelings of stress and such....I'm coping but not the exact way I had planned on. I have alot of other things going on in life also with college visits starting this weekend and my friends are rallying around me to keep me busy and active so no down time....I need to schedule a long weekend, which is virtually out of the question now that we are starting the busy season...hopefully I can work out something. A quick trip to a spa for 2-3 days would rejuvenate and inspire me to move forward. Today's weight 145....stress is not my friend, I used to gain with stress now I'm losing and too fast!

Weekend and such

Life is chugging along...I personally had a good weekend, with a couple of bleak moments in there. STBXH was trying a little hard too late to make amends for things, yet this is coming off of a weekend out partying with whomever, wherever...I did not want to pursue an argument, but damn can't you get a clue...I've tried working this out, we've tried working this out and it isn't. I know it's hard, it's really hard on everyone involved but setting yourself up for disappointment after disappointment doesn't help any either. Anyhow, ds1 had a great football game a big victory for them!! DS2 had a great bowling day Sat and I had a great Sat night at a party with friends. Good distraction for me. I'm glad to be back at work though, isn't that sad.

So another week we are starting, another glorious fall day!! and a new workout that I developed for myself this weekend!! I feel strong and empowered and no one is going to take that away from me!