This is where I need to be...

No matter where I am in my life, this where I need to be... I am a person who needs to put down in words what is going on in my life...I am slow at realizing this is the truth...so here is what is going on...

Last week, not so good, I had a few days of feeling ill, then Wed, I made the doctor appt before that I had racing heart and some anxiety, well it comes to be that I had a mild heart attack,  I am coping with this illness, not so well, but it is my life now.. Thank goodness I gave notice to my second job, relieve a bit of stress.  We went and saw some awesome apts today, so application will be put in and hopefully I will get to move in the next month.  My life is topsy turvy at best but the whole heart attack thing has got me on a pause.  I did WAY too much yesterday, came home, slept and then was so shaky.  Not sure how I will manage the eight hours tomorrow but I will put my best foot forward as always....

I am scared, I have never had anything so severe happen to me in my life, I have one son who is 100% reliant on me and I can't bear the thought of not being there for him, yet alone leaving my oldest.  I don't know where my future leads, but it's hard.  The bypass has left me with them saying I don't eat enough...I have lost 18lbs since May when I say my family doc last, its scary, but I again don't know what else to do, I am trying my best each and every day, but it seems not enough.....  so yes this is my release to put it all out there.

On a brighter note, James, a dear friend and maybe you can consider bf has been wonderful, three jobs he has and he has been there for me more than once this week, he is my rock....I just feel like I need something to hold on to....silly, stupid but is how I feel right now...I have my best girl,  she knows who she is, but the many miles put us in position to not spend quality time, I love her no less just wish we were closer.  My life is a puzzle, each day reveals a new piece, not sure I always to play....

Life and it's many twists and turns.....

The past two weeks have been a up and down rollercoaster ride with many twists and turns.  Many highs and many lows, but I am coming out of it in one piece.  First off, giving notice to the job #2, it has served it's purpose and I need me back.  So not too much longer.  Secondly, found out an old bf and still friend passed end of June.  That was shocking and very sad to me, kind of made me take a pause and think about my life and where I want to be.  We were two weeks apart in age....so many changes are occuring right now in my life.  Third, I have no time to look for places to live because I am ALWAYS working, we are changing that!! 

So, we had the friend crab feast last weekend, Saturday, what a great time.  It is always great to see all my friends, and with no softball and little get togethers this year it was a welcome relief in my busy life.  I had met a guy, but for whatever reason that didn't seem to work out....the other one in my life, well I am going to keep him around for a bit and see how things work out..lol  I am off this weekend, tomorrow we go to Baltimore for the afternoon and evening, Saturday, family reunion.  It's going to be a beautiful weekend and I can't wait to see old family and hang with friends.

Work, is work  always busy and crazy....that about sums up my last two weeks....I will try to be more diligent, this is really a great tool for me

A different type of holiday.............

It started out on a great foot, I thought WOW, I am really going to end up having a great time, in the end not so much....just the same old and work....I am unenchanted.

Tonight I had a talk with AJ, I always really enjoyed being with him, but his distance and all lately has put me off, he claims he has given me time to figure things out, seriously I am more upset than happy with that response. 

Tonight is definitely not a good night, coming off a weekend of celebration for our country, and I am less than satisfied about everything...life, how the US is running this great country, the "verdict" today, I want so much to be a believer in this country and everything it and we represent but seriously I am having issue with that right now.


I am just not a happy girl right ...................

TGIF and happy holiday weekend!!

Honestly, I can't believe the fourth of July weekend is upon us already!!  Where does the time go!!  I know I have been busy, working and just trying to keep up with life in general but WOW it's July!

Last night was another work night, nothing unusual, but it ended with a great date and lack of sleep for me today is insane.  Ok, so now I will back up a little.  I have a rule, no dating people I work with, golden rule so things don't get messy if it doesn't work out.  I have for years kept tried and true to this rule and didn't really break it, but I have.  There is a guy at job 2 that I like, but given said rule I never acted on it.  Well then he tells me, "I have gotten a new job and will be leaving soon" so ok.... I start thinking maybe then I will go on a date and see what happens, so we do.  Well then he said new job may not last through winter months so he rearranges his work schedule at the job we share and now he's staying, so I have broken the rule.  Well we talk, alot and he's sweet.  Will bring me flowers or something to work, always thoughtful the whole nine yards.  I really haven't let anyone in my heart since it was shattered last summer, sure I have dated and I think out of loneliness more than wanting a boyfriend.  So anyhow, here we are in the situation, we are still working together, went out after work on an awesome date, I have like 2 hours of sleep under my belt today and am so happy, but feel torn.  I believe being the adults we are can make this work, I don't think long term I will remain at this job so that can work, but for now I really don't want this out for public consumption (as this work tends to be like a big high school with gossip).  So all that said, confusing or not, here I am....big smile, little sleep and I really feel connected again to someone for the first time in a long time.  Now the baby steps of dating, getting to know one another and having fun (as my bff will tell me over and over!!)  lol 

On the homefront, things are well hopefully moving forward, going to see yet another place next week, Monday...fingers crossed for me as I need to get out!!  But for now, life is good, no lets correct that life is great....

I have lost alot in my life, and it's not only the weight..................

I have lost so many things along my way in this life, my grandma, whom I loved to her death at 96.  My marriages, which I had tried so much to make happen.  My oldest son, who decided to go live with his father.  But the one thing I have not lost (or at least lately) is me.  I think I lost a bit in my marriage, ok maybe alot, but that's not the point.  The point is each of us needs to be an individual.  Where is this new blog going, you may ask because I know I am all over the place, but it's me, it's my feelings and thoughts at this point in time, so.....

Anyhow, the night before last I set down and wrote a few things that I expect to happen in my future, and if they don't I will keep looking until they do.....so here goes....

I call this I'm the girl who....here we go

I'm the girl who will put my head on your shoulder, not because I'm sleepy but because I want to be closer to you

I'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than in your bedroom or and out in public

I'm the girl who says, "Ok you owe me..."  but not because I want something, but because it means I get to spend time with you

I'm the girl who you can take absolutely anywhere and I will (at least try) to enjoy myself because I can spend time with you

I'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like, I want to spend the evening curled up in their arms

I'm the girl who never forgets all the sweet things you do for me

I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss

I'm the girl who you can talk with about anything

I'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one

I'm the girl who will brag about you to all my friends

I'm the girl who will listen to you talk

I'm the girl who will who loves it when you hug me for no reason

I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason, other than you want to

I'm the girl who loves when you kiss me on the forehead or hugs me from behind for no apparant reason

I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what people say about us

I'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend

I'm the girl who loves when you take my hand to hold for no reason at all

I'm the girl who loves you to play with my hair

I'm the girl who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have

I'm the girl who, once I let you in my heart, will always have a place there with your name on it.  And even if we spend time apart, I'm a girl that will never forget you

I'm the girl who loves seeing that sparkle in your eyes which lets me know that you feel the same way about me that I do about you


So now I have bared my soul and thoughts and I am glad it's down somewhere never to be forgotten, because I won't forget!

I tried this the other day, but.............

It never got started for that matter, so here we are on Tuesday.  After a full weekend of work, a stomach bug (thinking food poisoning) and not much else I am here, alive....feeling it barely.  lol

Had a full weekend of work, not too busy there as the busy season is winding down with the approach of the 4th of July holiday.  I have had my hours cut back some recently, only to find out they are ramping them up now for my future, not sure what that is about, but the paycheck is nice :)

Had to work last night, of course last minute customers kept us there way too late and by the time I got home, I crashed....hard.  Of course I had a miserable time waking up this a.m. but managed to get my lazy butt out of bed and ready for work and on time :)  Tonight I am off, have to get the piles of laundry done as I am out of clothes, well at least what I like to wear.  lol  I am exhausted today, hoping it subsides shortly as the day moves on, the oppressive humidity isn't helping either as I feel like a bowling ball is lodged on top of my head pushing down hard.  This is the part of living here that I dislike the most.  Hopefully the sun will burn it off sooner than later and I will get some relief. 

So last week I spoke of exercise, which is still non existant in my life, but my eating habits, I have taken back control and am doing well with, no more snacking and eating late at night, that is the worst thing I have had to deal with.  It does help immensely so I don't feel uncomfortable overnight.  Hopefully soon I will find my motivation to exercise as I really, really want to get back in that habit.

Upcoming holiday weekend is rapidly approaching, usually I would be heading to the beach for an extended weekend, but alas I am working.  ALL weekend long.  If it weren't for the great peeps I work with I am sure I would not want to do it, but things have definitely shifted in my life, so I am more accepting of circumstances I cannot control.

Had a call from a friend of mine last week, mid 30's and he has stomach cancer, of course when they did the biopsy it's the worst form, so he has a long road again.  I have a feeling another friend of mine, who called me yesterday is going to give some bad news also :(  It's so sad, these guys are both too young for this.

Work is busy, we are in our second biggest week of the year this week, as alot of our suppliers are ending their fiscals and the 30th is our second largest sales day of the year behing the 31st of Dec.  So with that said, I am off to get some work done...lol

When it rains, it pours.......

Last night I was home early, to bed early (or at least I tried) because I had to be at THD today at 7.....well it seems like more than one of the ex bf's decided last night was a great night to get in touch.  I count, at the end of the day, 4 of them text or called me last, so what is up with that, and seriously why haven't you moved on!  I have!!!

So anyhow, yes I came home last night after running a million errands after work for fresh fruit and veggies, ordered out a semi-healthy meal, ate and crashed.  Up today at 4am, in to work early and the best part, out EARLY!!  I actually drove home in hot sunshine and beautiful weather, windows down and sunroof wide open!!!  So here I am, home, relaxing enjoying the rest of this beautiful day!

Tomorrow, back at 8 in...and then I will be done til Tues night.  Sometimes these weekends really take their toll on me, my personal life is pretty much non-existant anymore because I can't roll with the friends and be at work at the same time.   So I guess, yes things are different...

I was supposed to hook up with an old friend tonight, and guess what I am tired....geesh I can't believe I just wrote that...so off to grill some dinner and see what happens tonight.

Almost the end of the week

Here we are Thursday already!  Where has this week gone??  Been really busy at home and work.  A/C at home is broken, was able to borrow two units from a friend yesterday for my and the boy's room, so last night we both got to sleep in comfort!!  yeah....it was a cooker in there, hot, humid and nasty with no breeze and everything just stagnant!  To wake up to the cool was heavenly!

Work is tonight, can't complain only second night this week..lol  of course I never complain when the cash is rolling in!!  tomorrow night some folks from work and me will be going to happy hour, it's alot of fun and a good way to end the work week.  Saturday on the other hand is up early, early to be at work at 7!!  I will be in bed early tomorrow night!!  Sunday regular shift, so all in all not too shabby. 

Hoping to get back on track with my exercise, I have been a total slacker in that dept since starting the second job.  I really feel I need to get myself into some sort of routine with this once again, I would probably feel better...lol 

Eating is good, I still after all this time can't really put that many bites into my belly, so that is good....keeping the feeling full quick has helped alot in the maintenance.  So now to get back on track with the exercise and all will be good.

Have quite a busy social life coming up in July too, very excited for a family reunion, it will give us all a positive note to see our relatives, instead of the funerals we had been enduring the past few years.  Never a happy time to catch up with everyone!  My understanding is a few out of state relatives are also going to be able to make it up, which is very good news.  Also, friends are hosting a Crab Feast.  That will also be a great way to catch up with alot of friends and the kids too.  It's always a great party at their home and they are gracious enough to allow us all to come and take over!  lol 

The boy is entering into 11th grade this coming up fall.  He has really grown into quite a nice young man.  Still playing guitar and is making alot of headway with it.  He writes his own songs now also, it's really nice that he has that outlet when things aren't always going his way!  The other son, well he's a different story right now, not on a positive note, so we'll just leave it at that for now.

Still on the search for a place to live, it seems like this process is long and drawn out compared to before, but of course i am putting big restrictions on where we live plus we have the dog and alot of places do not allow pets of any type.

Work is getting better in the day job, it was really rocky there for a spell and I think things are smoothing out nicely.  That makes me happy!! 

Ok, going to see what other types of things I can get into for the weekend and I'll post again soon!

Happy Tuesday all.....had a late morning today.  Off to the allergist to see how the meds are working.  Currently on a concoction of allergy drops (like shots), a nebulizer and antibiotic.  So far it seems to be working fine, but today being a very hazy, high humidity and low pressure, my eyes were swollen, coughing when I walked into the office and they thought I was not doing well at all with the meds.  The allergist called in my ENT, who promptly sent me down for a CTScan, it shows still alot of blockage on the left side of my face, but the meds seem to work really for me (I think) so I requested to stay on them at least for the next month.  They agreed, although I am not sure they were pleased, so let's hope next month holds more promising news!! 

Worked last night, was a relatively quiet night as things go, had a good talk with someone after work, alot of questions from me and well not so many answers as I was hoping for.....I never understand, they ask and ask and want answers but you ask a question and they dart and dodge to give an answer!!  lol  my life

Off tonight and tomorrow, so I am looking forward to some really great down time as it is always good to recharge these old batteries of mine!  Wishing I were down at the beach right now, but alas bills must be paid, so speaking of that I must get back at it......until later

Mondays......

We made it back from the beach in one piece.  Yes, after work on Saturday night we drove down, dog, boy and me.  Was looking forward to a nice day off on Sunday spent with some family and friends, and that is what I got.  Not too long after I got down there I was out like a light, this is what happens when I work outside in the hot, sun from 9 to 6..lol  I did manage to wake up in the wee hours of the morning on Sunday and post that...while watching the Notebook one more time!!  I never get sick of that movie.

I was awoken at 7am, by a text message from a friend, he is a good guy and always has my back.  I am lucky to have him in my life.  So after we actually talked on the phone a bit, I got up and started getting the food ready with mom for the day.  We spent the better part of Sunday outside on the bay, brought blankets, grills, tons of food and drinks and the jetskis and enjoyed the day.  We actually had the dog on the jetski and mom took pictures.  She said his tail was wagging the whole time!!  silly doggie!!  We all got alot of sun, had a great day with friends and family and those who we met there.  I went back to mom's place took a nap and headed up last night because this a.m. they were calling for heavy rains and I didn't feel like making the trip up in the rain :(

So here we are!  Monday, it's late afternoon and I am pumped and ready for this week.  Work tonight, then off there til Thursday!!  I actually will get some pool time in on Tues and Wed after work, gotta clean up my stuff and get some laundry done but other than that it's going to be a great week.  Got a suprise at work and someone came to take me to lunch it ended up being a picnic lunch, with greek salad and grilled chicken, even remembered the blanket and it was a nice time!  Suprises are nice, especially when I never expect them!

tootles for now....

The middle of.....

well yes, it is the middle of the night, but I have come off a Friday night and all day work schedule.  No internet, no interaction with anyone on the cyber world....that is the Home Depot...lol  Yes I worked last night and back in early today for a whole day of work.  I have no access of internet and when I am done, well, I am done!

Just finished watching The Notebook, for I have no clue how many times I have watched this movie.  The love story between Noah and Ally, well it is hopeful and actually something many will ache for.  Me, I think maybe I will never get a chance again?  Not sure, and I really hope I am wrong, but right now that is how I feel.


Today was definitely interesting, not sure what tomorrow brings.
I think maybe sometimes, well ok maybe alot of times I think too much about this, look too deep into this but it's just how I feel. 

Thursdays are for..........

Hopefully relaxing and getting all this work done that needs to get done.  Thursday's always seem to be problem days here at work, and I have hit the ground running today!

No work last night or tonight, which is a blessing in disguise!  I didn't get alot of quality sleep last night, but I did sleep.  Oh, wait I need to back up.  In the last year or so, my sleep has been less than adequate, in fact I sleep less and less it seems.  I've been to the doctor, he just feels that is all my body needs, I do not appear or feel very tired throughout the day, so I guess that is it.  My problem is that I get in the pattern of falling asleep for a couple of hours, then I am up for a couple and back asleep until time to work, of course some of the days I wake up at 4am, so in theory I need to stay up for the work day, those are the days I am tired.  I usually do it for a week or two, then get one good nights sleep then back to the old pattern.  It's crazy and sometimes makes me feel horrible, but it is a part of the new life I am leading right now.  Last night I first feel asleep around 10pm, was up at 11 then up and down all night.  Thank goodness though because our power went out somewhere between 4am - 6am and since I wake up, I was able to get up and get ready for work!

Exercise - another reason I love Thursdays!!  When I am off I go to the deep heat yoga class!  It is awesome, even in the summer heat.  They heat the room up to 105 degrees and we do yoga, your body is sweating and limber and stretching and you leave feeling almost the same as a massage!  So that is tonight!!

So back to my day and hopefully it will be somewhat of a peaceful one!

Middle of the week.....middle of some thoughts.......

One of the main reasons for resuming my blog is to put my thoughts out there, as if on paper for me to come back and review in the future.  I have had alot of things swimming in my head for so long and they are all jumbled and tangled and I have made not alot of sense of much of it.

I have in the past, contemplated moving.  Just picking up and starting over.  That notion was put to bed awhile ago when the financial status of the US bottomed out.  I could not afford to not have this job or the health and other benefits that come along with it, so I squashed it.  Well in the last few weeks things here at work have me at full circle almost with the notion creeping back in my mind.  I have been so far, unsuccessful in finding a suitable place for us to move, plus a situation (that is pretty sever) has occurred here at work.   I am not going to get into details of that right now, but probably will in the future.  So it begins again, do I stay or do I go?? 

Another thing I have had put alot of thought into is my personal life.  Really since Feb of this year, I do not have a personal life!  I work, work again sometimes and then come home either fall exhausted into bed or get some chores done and then go to sleep.  LOL  Fun life I have been leading lately huh!  It is enabling me to save up some money for the move or whatever.  So personal life = non existance.  I would love to try and remedy that somewhat but not really sure if this is the time to do so.  When I do get a rare opportunity to go out, it's with friends and all pre-arranged, but more times than not I have to decline invitations.

Work today, suprisingly so far is pleasant.  Yesterday, not so much.  I have the up and down mood swing personality of a boss, so like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates, you never know what you will get! 

It's beautiful weatherwise too!  Mid 80's, sunny, very low humidity....life doesn't get much better than that.

When you thought things were getting better............

Just when I thought things could possibly get better in our living situation the girl I live with flipped a  lid.  Seriously, she is so high strung and she barges in on you when your door is closed.  She asked me why my son locks his room and I told her this, she claimed she never barges in so I called him down and when confronted once again, she neither confirmed nor denied.  I really can't wait to be out of here, it's not a healthy place.  Her niece has already left, to live with her father in Germany because of the treatment she received.  It's just horrible.

So today is a new day, deep breath and let's get it rolling.  It's beautiful, cool and sunny outside for now, but alas by the end of the day it will be rainy.  Tonight is a work night so I will be back later.

Hoping for an uneventful day.

Ok....let's try a new approach

I have found that I need a forum to write.  Whether it be a vent, or an update or just nothing much about nothing.  So here I am, almost what a year, year and a half later.  My blog still gets alot of traffic, so I hope that those of you out there reading are finding some very informative things.

Me, my life is in a current state of limbo right now.  We sold the house last year, moved out in August and I have yet to find a suitable place to call our new home.  We are currently staying with a friend (let me tell you, you really don't know someone until you live with them!!  lol)  and let's say times are trying at some points, but we are managing and surviving.  I did put a bid in this week on a new place, so fingers crossed someone else isn't going to snatch it out from under me!!  I have spent most of my waking hours either working the day job, or working the night job (which is new since I have left here) or looking for a place to move, or just sleeping and surviving.  Living without your things, well let's just say this, It Sucks!!  I have some items, but overall I feel uncomfortable and in the last two months have been made to feel very unwelcome here all the time.  The solace is that I have all I need in my living area, which is very private and that is a plus!! 

So, more about what is going on....let's see I have dated a few guys, absolutely nothing serious as I have no "real" time to devote to any type of relationship, however, I did meet a guy who I work with at job 2 and we hit it off.  He is actually leaving the company soon, so maybe in the future there may be some dating again..lol  I have one golden rule, I never, ever date anyone I work with, irregardless of the situation.  Anyhow, other than that life has been pretty uneventful.  Son #2 has now completed 10th grade, so two more years and he will be done school.  Son #1 has become somewhat of a disappointment as he has moved to Nebraska with his father and has decided not to attend college, yet again.  There have been some serious health issues with a few of us family members this year, me included.  Found out I am allergic to almost everything under the sun, hence the chronic sinus infections I had been getting the last few years.  I am now on a regulated dose of meds to help curb it, and so far, knock on wood it is working!!

I also managed another milestone of turning 47 last month!  My family is having a family reunion next month, which I am very excited for....I am maintaining still, and this November is five years out!! 

Enough for tonight, I want to get some thoughts together.  Promises that I will not disappear into thin air again, as this is always a good forum for me to put things out there and help myself.