Rainy types of Fridays

So the big storms came through, actually without so much hoopla as the ones the night before. But the temps are much nicer and the humidity is lowering.

Today is dday per se for the asst who puts the ASS in assistant....hopefully (but probably not) he will finally get it that he works here in my dept for ME!! Like I said I'm not holding my breath....

Tomorrow is the boat ride - yeah

Sister announced (finally) to the family she's getting married - IN GREECE, and soon....

We are probably going to try and see if the cat that is hanging around would like to become a permanent member of our family. We've tried to find him a home, but alas no one claims her....she's sweet and we all love her.

The weather is getting nice again, just like summer should be

It's almost 4th of July....of course I still have to work...so who cares.. I DO!!

I'm losing again....that feels really good

It's the weekend....that feels better

Everyone have a great one!

Hip, Hip Horray!!

DH has finally gotten a job!! and a good one at that.....so no more Mr. Mom for him. Starting Monday bright and early he'll be back commuting with the crazies out there for a measly few dimes to rub together and call his own. I'm so happy, he got laid off from his last job the same night of my surgery, now mind you that was 7 1/2 months ago. So you can see why I'm so darned excited.

The scale has gone to the graveyard in the trash dump......it's really a shame because it was a great scale, but with my hefty person once inhabiting it almost daily for months now, well no wonder the poor sucker gave out. I'm torn about purchasing a new one at this point and may just go without and go with clothing comfort. We'll see, because as much as I want to I can't seem to let go of that scale, that beautiful piece of mankind that allows me to see that I'm not obese, or fat or even moderately fat anymore....

As much as I don't want to be I've been rabidly following my sizes on my journey down. I don't always believe this is healthy and I can't seem to get out of the knack of being pleased when a certain something in a lesser size fits. Like for instance today, I'm wearing flat panel pants in size 8!! Holy cow I think to myself, size 8, I don't even think I wore this size in high school ever, at all. So to my mind it's a huge accomplishment, but I don't want to measure all my accomplishments by size and a number. I need to figure out a way to start finding other things to rejoice. Maybe the fact that I'm down from 5 pills a day to 1/2 and it should/will be gone by November of this year as I'm weaning myself off with doc's supervision. I don't know, I like the thrill and adventure of this losing but my rational mind says it's bad, it's like eating ice cream, so darned addictive.

We've been having wicked t-storms here and are in line for another batch this afternoon and tonight, however, when this batch comes through we are also ushering in cooler, dryer air for the weekend, so YEA for us.

I'm excited for the big boat trip this weekend, have to remember to get the camera. Also, find something to wear that is nice but sensible for a boat trip.

that's life for the moment....

Time for a boat trip

We are going on a nice boat ride this Sat....starting in Haverstraw, NY around the Statue of Liberty then up the Hudson River. Thank goodness this wicked weather should be cleared out by then!! I am very excited and actually want to buy something casual nice to wear on the trip!! WOW I would never have even considered going on this trip in the past, but things change.

On a weight note, I had to peek at the scale this a.m. Well that was a bust and I think the darned scale is broke!! It read 125.5 three different readings. Now I know there is no way in hell that I've dropped 42.5 lb in one night. I know I sweat buckets when I work out but c'mon folks. The poor scale has just had too much trauma and is done. I thought I broken it before, but it needed a new battery, dh put in said battery and it was back working like a charm, not this time. I think I will have to send it off to the scale graveyard.

In my personal life, it's going good, dh is back to joining me for couples therapy tonight and then we both go individual. I'm so excited, I didn't want to blog about it, but I'm glad things are turning....maybe this is the break we've needed. He missed an important call about a job yesterday too!! So today he will call and hopefully Monday he will be working again! Makes him feel like a real man again. Also, getting my hair streaked with blond highlights. I've done the dark for a bit, now it's time for a bit of a change. I hope I like it when it's done.

Work, is work...busy and getting busier by the moment for me. With dh's new impending job, no time for family vacation...so maybe some R&R for myself with long weekends....ahhhhh

Life is good right now!

Ding Dong

the weight is finally gone. I've broken the plateau officially. Six weeks of bobbling back and forth between 170 and 172 and now I'm 168....two days in a row. I've conquered the demons and am marching forward again in my procession. Of course during this plateau I was losing inches still as I was measuring and the clothes were definitely getting looser still.

I took an extended weekend off, relaxing with the boys and dh at the beach, had a big amount of car trouble (tow, fixed and more $$ that I don't have to pay for it all) but we are back on track. It was nice and albeit short, much needed.

So today I have alot of work to catch up on and get ready for the big buys coming at the end of the week.

So I am learning that perserverance has big rewards. Before I never would have made it this far. I'm learning and it feels good!

Home and gone again

J fly in without a hitch yesterday afternoon. I met her at the airport and we had a brief but fun 5 hour visit. Then she was up and off again this a.m. down to SC where she is currently living. It's always nice to see your sister, it was surprising though that she walked right by me at the airport!! I can't believe I look that different since I last saw her in Feb and she's had update pictures every month from me.

I miss you J!!

It's Friday, let's do that happy dance!! I'm excited about a nice weekend weather wise. Going down to the shore tomorrow and see what I can get into.

Have a great weekend all!!

J is coming home

I'm so excited to see my little sissie. I haven't seen her since Valentines weekend and it was bitter cold when she came up to visit, but we did get a bit of shopping in. My little sis and I are very close, so it's been a real pia to have her living in Greece the past three months. Of course I have to get used to this as she is going to be marrying and moving there permanently soon. She, of course will be exhausted, but I am so glad she's coming home.

I'm in a good mood today. I'm starting to think that my body is becoming more moody as the influx of hormones with the WLS is running rampid all the time. I am also wondering if I am suffering from some sort of depression. It's entirely possible given the circumstances I've been dealing with at home for the past few months, along with the WLS which can have this occur also. So I think it's time for a heart to heart with the doctor(surgeon) regarding this. I think too much and that is half of my problem.

Welcome to summer, it's my favorite day of the year, the summer solstice or longest day. Of course who doesn't love to have all that Vitamin D out there for the taking. It doesn't hurt that our weather has turned absolutely marvelous. Low humidity and low to mid-80's for temps. It's simply perfect.

I've had quite a few very good food days. I've noticed alot of my fellow sassy sisters here are starting to talk more and more about the carbs and how evil they are. Well I'm one of them who has/had succumbed to this horrific realization that they go down to easy and have absolutely no freaking benefit to me at all! I've made my complex or simple, back to the basics. It's such a great tool, and for an overanalyzer like myself it was easy to see where I was falling back.

Exercise has been changed around again, for boredom reasons more than any other at this point. I can't wait till dh finds a job so I can pursue the health club route. Excuses, excuses...but the $$ is just not there right now. At least the work gym gives me a great variety of machines and weights to use.

It's a great day, go out and enjoy it.

All I can say

is I'm starting over today. I had a great/emotional/horrible therapy session last night. After my thinking period and what we spoke of last night she felt like I had some breakthroughs. So we will work on these, one at a time per my request, and see where this takes us. I hate being miserable, bitchy and moody.

Today is a nice rainy day, man did we need it. My little flowers are curling at the leaves it was so dry out there. Today we have a nice steady, slow rain. It's beautiful the way mother nature rejuvenates itself when in desperate need. Unfortunately the boys are supposed to go swimming so we'll see if it clears up in time for them to go.

Thinking about taking off or 1/2 day on Friday. I am pretty sure we are all heading down to the shore again this weekend. I'm really starting to enjoy these long weekends and relaxing with book in hand at the shore line. I've also heard gf's are going to be down at the beach this weekend too this weekend, so it should be fun.

I took a day off yesterday from exercise, it felt good. I am pushing it way too much lately. Is there such a thing as pushing exercise too much? Anyhow, I didn't do any. Today, right back at it. It's nice to want to do exercise.

Tonight we go see Uncle B, he leaves in the a.m. to go back to Montana. Tomorrow J comes home from Greece, I can't wait to see her.

I'm mulling over a few things and life is beautiful.

Someone call me a doctor...........

that is if he can fix this head of mine. When I first embarked on my WLS journey, it was May 2003. I was convinced that this would be my solution to a long term, life endangering problem that I had, I was FAT!! Well I started my research, spent the next 6 months researching everything and then BAM, the knee went. My world as I knew it fell out from beneath me. I was devastated because this knee, which has been in various states of disrepair my whole life, was failing me and keeping me from proceeding on with my initial consultation. I fell into a deep depression regarding this whole ordeal. When you are FAT and fighting the demons and already to a degree depressed, having something monumental happen, like this it's hard to cope. I finally had my knee repaired (actually partial replacement) in Feb 2005. It took that long to get everything in line and try with desparate attempt all other options before the insurance would pay for the surgery. I lost another 2 years of my life at this point. Well that's how I looked at it at this point. Plus I continued to balloon upwards, spiraling out of control. I had limited exercise and pain was a part of my everyday life. One year, exactly, to the day after my knee surgery, I pulled out all my old WLS research. I was taking charge of my life once again. I have a very good friend in CA, who had the DS surgery in 3/05, she is a shining example of surgery done right. She was very gentle, but constantly prodding me, reminding me, however she did she planted the seed again. This time it flourished. I went on vacation with the family to VA Beach in Aug 06, it was the final straw, the pictures, the bathing suit (or tent as I referred to it as) and the whole experience of walking (or lack of really) hit home, I could not go on living my life the way it was playing out. I had already made my first consult appointment prior to us leaving, but there was a wait. I waited. I was patient, at least I thought I was, but probably not. I went in, I was prepared. I thought I knew what I wanted in 2003, come to find out I totally changed my mind about this by the time I reorganized in 06 and went in knowing the only lap RNY was the solution for me. The strictness of having my insides re-arranged was what I needed to keep my honest and to put me in a place where this tool would help me for the rest of my natural life. So as the doc and I were chatting I asked him alot of questions. I went in with a list, written out. He was very pleased I was prepared, he said so. I was pleased by the results of this conversation, of him and we moved forward. The next month, month and a half were a plethora of visits to all the support doctors we see pre-op. It was surreal. I never had a doubt, quiver or allowed myself to think that this was not the thing to do. Well I finished out with the doctors, everything was a go, I was excited and I had two weeks to prepare for surgery. During those two weeks I spent alot of time pondering if this was really the thing I should do. I had what I thought was a mild panic attack one night analyzing this to death. Deep down in my heart I knew it was 1000% the correct thing to do, but my head, well it will mull it over and over and let that self doubt that is so prevalent in my life come through. The mind is a wicked place if you do not have control over it, at least for me. I know many times during my life when I was dieting I would get to that place where I would cheat, then cheat again. I would gain back a few pounds lost and my mind would say, Michelle, you are fat, you dh loves you, live with it. I would be OK for a day or so then I would fall into depression over another failed diet. This cycle would repeat itself over and over during my adult life. So now I've called the shrink yesterday. I told her, I need to get my head right. I can't work on my marriage until I'm right. I can't love someone else, until I learn to love myself, for who I am today. Through all this hard work and having my insides rearranged I wish there were some type of pre-op support to help you re-arrange you head to match your lower portion. I don't know where this will lead, but I'm tired of trying to please everyone else and getting no pleasure out of this current lifestyle.

It's really an eye awakening realization to wake up and realize that I really don't love myself enough to love another.

The reality is............

the weekend is over and today is Monday. My body says lets have off a few extra days and have some fun, it was just getting started!!

Weekend was a blur, literally. I was so busy and all the pre-arranged plans got switched based on one boy and his tournament that he 'forgot' to tell me about earlier last week. So Friday was off to shop for food, I hate food shopping I hardly eat any of which I buy and mostly its stuff for the boys. So home and unpack and off for some retail therapy of my own. I got all kinds of fun, cute things for the backyard to make it more desirable a place to sit and relax and enjoy life. I really do like to read or whatever out back if it's nice surroundings. Oh did I mention I did buy a pair of size8 (OMG i can't believe 8's) shorts and a nice tank to go with it this weekend too. I am loving my surgery right now, plateau has finally broken and with a bang!! Down 6 whole lbs with one weigh in. Really reaffirms for me that this is a tool and you have to work the system baby to make it work.

Sister is coming home from Greece on Thursday, I can't wait to see her, it's been a while, well since she visited in February, and I've changed so much and I just can't wait to see her. My little sister and me are so close, always have been, and I missed her tons when she moved away, but greece, well that's not even easily accessible.

Made cards, finally, Saturday morning. DS2 and I got up extra early, yeah 5:30 for each of us...what the heck is that!! I am finding that the more I exercise and lose weight the more energy I have and I don't sleep 1/2 as long or feel tired throughout the day like I did before. I just like to cram as much as I can into each day and consider it a blessing to be alive and healthy.

So today, I have lots of work to catch up on. Of course to catch up with all you great girls too since I've had no computer....and plan some more beach time off!!

My Friday

Yeah for me, we are off tomorrow, heading out to Baltimore Aquarium to take in the beauty of Australia. Probably the closest I will ever get to Australia at least for a long period of time. I'm very excited to go as this will be a big walking day, plus seeing alot of exciting things. Hopefully I will not forget my camera (as previous jaunts I have) and it will be a beautiful day.

Other than that I have a nice relaxing weekend in store. Planning on visiting a relative who has flown in from Montana (the Big Sky country) and spend some quality time with him sans his beautiful wife, Jewel. Maybe take in some of the great foods of the Italian festival that is ending this week and draws about 150,000 - 200,000 to our little ole state for some good food, family, games and entertainment. Of course who wouldn't want to win the brand new Cadillac that they raffle off at the end of the whole thing! Of course with the prices of fuel, I wouldn't want to be that lucky winner this year...lol

So I'm relishing my Friday ways today and it's only Thursday!!

Enjoy the weekend, as I don't think I'll be popping in here much at all.

Yesterday

was a perfect WLS eating day....mostly protein, veggies and lots of H2O...

I feel accomplished, very much so. Also, throw in there some cardio and weights and viola recipe for a smaller version of me.

Now if I can just keep this up, we'll be back in business in no time.

On another note, sister 2 is coming home from Greece next week, exactly in one week. She's been over there visiting her "friend" K for the last three months. To make a long story shorter, she's known him for a little over a year, they are both traveling back and forth spending time with one another, and now they are getting married, both in Greece and here in the US. I'm so excited and the very first to know in my family. Ssshhh it's a big secret for now. I've had to tell someone and since I know for a fact that no one in my family reads my blog I'm safe (or as safe as one can be on the internet...ha ha) Anyhow I'm very excited for her and she's asked me to join them this year (later) for the Greek ceremony...so I'm saving the bucks because Greece is one place I've always wanted to visit and how nice would that be. I'm very excited can you tell. :)

So it gives me pleasure to have something to strive for once again, of course these last 20 are going to be the killer, but I'm excited to see them go once and for all.

Plateaus

I'm stuck!! Been this same weight for 4 weeks now.. I knew it would come sooner or later, I was just hoping for later.

I haven't done a bad job of the weight loss so far, but I've tightened the belt per se on snacking and upped the exercise, more cardio!!

I've lost 70% of the excess weight, who couldn't be happier about that!! But darn ok damn I hate the lulls, I want to lose another 1 lb maybe 2 lbs...tease me, please me, just show me a loss scale!!

So there I have it, I'm stuck....hoping to unstick myself real soon!

Goals and weight loss

Melting Mama in a post last week asked us about our goals. Well I have a hefty list that I handwrote in a journal (which is home right now) with goals. I can rattle off a dozen or so off the top of my head so hear goes:

Goals to reach via WLS:

To be able to walk stairs without needing a 1) break and 2) breathing machine
To exercise
To cross legs
To weight less than dh
To become healthier, hence being taken off meds needed to survive
To feel good about oneself
To be able to walk, 1 mile, 2 miles, 3 miles...ok you get the idea (BTW: I'm up to about 6-7 at a jaunt right now)
To enjoy life
To become acceptable in said life and job
To hike
To bike
To become a participant in life rather than a specatator
To learn to love myself for whom I am

So there is my list that I remember off the top of my head. Things on the list are checking themselves off all the time. It's nice, it's normal!

My weightloss is stalled, it's ok, I'm losing inches. I know I am, I put on pants this a.m. which are now falling off of me (three weeks after last wearing) I weigh the same. So the weights are paying off, the cardio is back in my life and things are good. I'm happy with myself, exercise is a priority not an option anymore. I find myself craving it when I don't get enough or any. Eating is back in line, tracking online again (got away from that big bad no no for me!)

My current goal today is to plan a vacation...hopefully soon and hopefully some fun...

ttfn

Normal

What does it mean to be normal? I have been told "alot" lately that now that you are normal? Whoa hold on, so you are telling me pre-WLS I was not? that's a slap in the face for anyone. I've also noticed that I'm more "attractive" to the men here at work, they will put their arm around me, or stand really, really close when talking in a group setting. Before they would stand back, almost like it was a chore to speak with me. I've only really noticed the differences between now and then lately. It really floors me that people have the balls to call someone normal, like you had the plague or some sort of horrid disease that you have ridded your body of. We spent alot of time last night discussing these particulars in therapy. I'm still churning it over and over in my head but am not coming to any conclusions on how I feel about the whole situation yet.

Now the better news, dh did join me for 1/2 of therapy and actually had his own 1 hour with the other therapist there last night. How cool is that! I was shocked and excited. I was even more shocked that "he" called and made the appt and didn't even tell me, it was my surprise. Seems like he was in a semi-good mood last night, so maybe some headway was made. We did really well and spoke (not yelled) about things that were brought up. I'm so proud that it gives me some hope that progress can be made and things worked out.

No official exercise last night, didn't get to the Y again (it is top priority on my list) when I have some time to devote to it. I did do my weight workout yesterday morning so.....

As for the other doc, well she said it happens, you've had tremendous weight loss, hormones are fluctuating all over your body trying to control what's going on. So I am taking prometrium (BIG YUCK ON THIS ONE) to try and bring it on. I'm bloated to a three month pregnancy state right now, it's horrible. I am also getting an ultrasound to rule out fibroids again!! Oh the fun we women go through to be fertile....although I am well past that stage in my life it's how it goes. We did do the blood pg test, called this a.m. for the negative (which I knew would happen) so we takes pills and wait...then see the technician and get this bloody thing poked up in there and pray she finds nothing!! I have been through this before and it's not fun or exciting...it's actually embarrasing, painful and horrible....

The one kid is officially done school, yeah for him. Bowling starts in two weeks and the other activities shortly thereafter. The other kid has finals today and tomorrow with 1/2 days and he's done. His priority is to get a job this summer! The dog is healed from his detroning of his manhood a few weeks back, he's happy and was rewarded with a trip in the car to the pet store last night for a treat. Life seems to be getting back to some semblence of normal...if that's what normal is!!

New haircuts and my life

I finally got a new haircut last night. Tired of the same old boring haircut that I've been sporting for sometime. I actually went shorter, other than feeling totally weird to me when I brush out my hair I really am digging the new do....see for yourself



So with the new do, comes a small weight gain. I don't know where this is coming from, but first thoughts....omg it's done, I've used up all the WLS has given me. I'm seeing the former fatty in the mirror although I really know this isn't true! It's amazing still to me the tricks our mind plays on us. So I've been stagnant on weight loss for a bit now, I also haven't had a period over a month. Of course this is par for the course, six months on six off....if I only had a job so predictable as my TTOM. So I called the doc this am. to get re-prescribed the meds to make it come along (I've been bloated and crampy and pms'ing for a while now) no wonder all the bitchy posts and arguments ensuing in my abode. Anywho....they will call in the RX and I will await the flash flood that always ensues. I thought for sure when I had the wls and the periods were coming regularly that we fixed that particular issue, but alas no...it's sad, really sad for a very pre-menopausal woman to have to go through this misery.

I got a great walk in last night also, clocked 8 miles...quite an achievement for me so far. I still need to go check out the Y and see about joining, of course I seem to never have the time for this. I want to get on the bandwagon per se for personalized training as I think I'm probably exhausting what I do and it's becoming so redundant. I walk, elliptical, weights and toning exercises. I need more! my body is actually craving the challenge that comes from a rigorous workout.

The boys end school this week, so onto the fun of summer and being teenagers for the both of them. They actually have gotten themselves into plenty of activity so it should be a good one for both.....

ttfn

New week, new start

Ok let's start this week over, right now none of that last week snarkiness, morbidly oppression that hung over my life like a damp rag.

Friday night was great fun, lots of dancing and meeting new people through friends I already have. Most of them could not believe I've had WLS, it's true seriously...pictures of old me flash out, they gasp, then nod their heads yes. It still makes me feel really good to hear that, especially since I'm holding my own for the last three weeks with the scale. I figured this would come as I only have 20-25 more lbs to lose.

Sat was tiring, but so full of great energy. The walk/5K was a huge success, over a 1000 people came out to support a family who's little boy has MD (we are close friends) the mom (J) gave a great speech and you could feel the love and thankfulness for all the generosity that was paid to her family through people (most of whom she did not know), it was a nice walk along the Brandywine River passing out little old zoo and by the rapids and I couldn't think of a better place to be supporting and sucking in a little of the amazing energy to bottle up for myself.

Sunday ended up being a rainy type of day, one which was sorely needed here. I took it as a cue to get some crafting done that i've been saving for such a day. I've decided that I'm going to participate in a few craft sales this fall and I needed to up my inventory levels for such a feat, hence work was created on Sunday. It felt good to not have to worry about anything or have any pressure!! I got alot of great things done and stored for the fall.

Everyone in the family was in harmony this weekend, which made for a pleasant time. I'm glad I participated in it!

TGIF

I have never been so happy for Friday in a long time. Usually work is just puttering along and I really do like what I do (I'm a wine and spirit buyer for a wholesaler here) but lately it seems with the blue moon that everyone is just a little bonkers in their requests....

Tonight is girls night out, I am really looking forward to hanging with my girls and enjoying some down time from life and everything in general right now. Tomorrow we walk the 5k for our friends son Mike....poor little guy is suffering horribly from MD and hoping to raise some $$ for a van for them. Sunday is up in the air right now...

DH was so petulant last night, for lack of a better word. He wants forgiveness yet cannot forgive. It's a dangerous double edge sword is dealing out right now and after the big email blowout with my probably former gf (BFF at that) I just didn't want to handle anything else so petty yesterday.

I've spoken of BFF MB before here in this very blog, I'm not going into gory details, but she was suppose to join us tonight, but she has claimed I'm so different she couldn't possibly hang out with me anymore. OK, so maybe I've changed a bit, but damn I haven't seen you since the time at the library about 2 months ago when you said "YOU AGAIN, I can't get away from you" we talked for like 2 minutes and each went out separate ways, before that was the weekend I "let" her stay with us when she was having bf problems...so if you can state I'm different than fine...

Ok, positive thoughts out there people, please send them all my way as I do not like to be down, nor do I want to be!!

Have a great weekend allll

tootles