I think this will be last till I return....

I am leaving Friday afternoon, flying to the land of the unknown (TX) ok ha ha, so the swine flu is deep there and I don't want to be ha ha after I return so wish me well. There is alot on our agenda this weekend. I believe there is a turning point based on a few items that were stated last weekend, where and how does that make me feel or leave me, well unsure. So, with the premise of this being a great suprise weekend of celebrating two birthdays it may turn into something else entirely. Let's just say I hope that is not the case. Anyhow there have been quite a few past bf's calling/texting/emailing lately. Ok the stars are aligned and the writing is on the wall people but geez, are these my fair weather friends or is there something more there. I can't think of any of them other than friends at this point so we'll see. Of course there is ONE, the ONE who stole my heart and made me feel like no one else last year, we had a nice long chat tonight again. This time it went into forbidden ground, it was time to go there (we've been talking platonically for a few weeks) and well there are now a lot more unresolved things between us, ok is there an us, because I'm not sure, but anyhow the soap world of my life continues. Some days I love the attention (because god knows I never got it before) but I totally relate to the popular, pretty girl now, it's not always a good time either....so lesson learned fat or small life isn't always what you want it to be!!!!!

Went out with my girls last night, oh what fun and they make me laugh so much....of course they always try to turn the focus of conversation on my life, but I killed that quickly....and yes I still love them all and we had a blast!!!

Tomorrow is packing, laundry and I am dont' even know what we are doing this weekend packing....ok did I say I have to pack, because geez without knowing what is going on (it's a surprise now for me) I have no friggin clue what to pack.....

So lovelies out there and of course the gents I will see you Monday, maybe Tuesday...enjoy this weekend as I am sure I will no matter what!!!!

Tuesdays

Boy it's been a few days since I've been here, the weekend was glorious although we hopped right into summer with 90+ degree weather since Friday! I'm not complaining and was able to get quite a lot done at the home and still have fun and play. Sunday night M and I went on a date, what a disaster that was. I'm sure that will not be repeated. Friday I fly out again, can't wait and we have a bday celebration weekend planned. Suprises in store for him!

I'm exercising again steadily, I'm very excited about that. Also, eating is going well, grazing is being cut back to a minimum and keep the junk at bay. Spring and summer I find this to be easy to do and winter (well not so much).

I have alot to finish for today to leave on time, hopefully tonight I'll be back with more

Can you spell R-E-L-I-E-F

I can and it wasn't the most convention or practical way of happening. I had murmurred in the office to a few of my gal pals that I was having issues in this area. Well next thing I know I am being whisked away to the tasting room, they had made me a yummy concoction of some things I love and some I don't care for so much. So being the wonderful place where I work, I got some samples if you will. They were all so delicious and I was official taste tester of some of our newest drink menu items today :) Anyhow, about a hour or so later, viola....JACKPOT!!! My girls do know how to get the goods moving when things need moving. I feel like I weigh 15 lb less, that is how bad it was....so kudos to my girls at work for once again hooking me up with a sure thing!!! Oh and the new drinks....they are the bomb!!! lol

UGH

Can I say this, I still feel horrible....I am trying all forms of help and nothing so far is helping.

I'm starting to think drastic measures are in store for me!!!

I have a horrible rumbling in my tummy and it is ending there...I will spare you all my gruesome adventures...wish me well...I need some relief!

and NOW!!!

Uncomfortable

That is how I have been feeling lately in my work pants. The band is tight and the scale has not budged...so WTF is going on!!! I'm exasperated, also constipated, so I positive this has something to do with it, but seriously folks, I look like I'm newly pg. GAH even the written word of that made me shudder.

So I have been taking things, to try and force the bowel movement, the one I NEED so desparately and then to see what the hell I need to do to get the waist going the right way! Which obviously right now is not happening. I have been doing my yoga religiously 3 or 4 times a week, I've added back in the weights portion of workouts on opposite days and the stupid stomach crunches on the ball! I'm weak in my right arm after the disaster (I mean) fall I took in Dec. My right wrist was actually cracked almost in two and I let it heal that way so the doc said let's leave it...me I'm not happy that I am having troubles lifting a 10lb weight with it. Geez I am glad I am not at the gym where everyone would see the girl struggling to hold the stupid dumbbell.....

I have been journaling my eating too. I'm not kidding I'm sick of this pudge or tire around my middle, I mean c'mon this winter was cold but I was not THAT inactive! I know something needs to change and quick...of course that is better said than done at this point of the game. I just do not want to see the scale start creeping up. I have had two nightmares in the past few weeks about this also. I've actually jumped up out of bed and had to run to the mirror in the middle of the night to make sure I did not gain weight (Otherwise known as my former self) how pathetic is that! My heart would be racing and once I even had sweat on my brow. I think I'm truly loosing it! If I am not, I should be. I think that since losing, I've developed this sort of adversity to gain and fat people. How sad is that, I was one of them for most of my adult life, I'm no beauty queen, skinny mini or rockstar but I have worked so hard to get to where I am, I'm terrified (especially when I read of those who returned) of being FAT again!

Ok, there I've said it, it's out. Do I feel better, NO. I will probably have the nightmare again tonight!

I've also done a stellar job of staying away from the booze, no easy feat when you are out in the public with drinks so readily (and being peddled) to you at every turn. I mean, c'mon what is wrong with society, there was actually a few times in SA when they were appalled I did NOT order a cocktail, um it's 8am I want coffee! Plus work, I mean I surrounded by lots of favorites each day, it's so easy to go in the back and get a bottle to take home. So anyhow back to me, yes, I've been good, I need to learn how to moderate, which is something I was getting away from horribly, but it's seems to be in control for now, we'll see how long this lasts..lol

I am 29 months out from surgery this month, actually as of yesterday. I've maintained the weight loss that I have achieved, no easy feat in itself, but man those demons are rearing their ugly heads....

A great weekend

Spent the weekend down at the beach....yes with no regard for my eating, but pleasantly (and obviously still surprised) when the scale reports no gain.

Here are a few snaps, it's was almost 80 and well the wind cooperated being off the land not the ocean, so it was glorious! Here is the youngest and his gf.....nice kids! lol

Yes, people ventured out onto the beach, in fact the beach was packed with sunbathers, and a few brave ones got into the water, I bet it's about 50 degrees....brrr

As for me, well shorts and a tshirt were fine for the weather, I did get quite a bit sun and of course was not thinking about it, so I am red...

Today, rain and chilly back in the 50's......

no regard

I will have to say that I have no regard to my GBS this weekend. I have eaten what I want when I want. The results. Well for me the eating is not too good, I can not eat what I want after GBS... I am one of those who dump at the slightest bit of higher sugars. In a way that is a wonderful thing. On the flip side...I can drink, as in alcholic beverages whatever I want... No matter how sugary sweet they are fine....WTF is all I can say. I have made my life of well let's say he finest boubons, scotches and irish whiskies, because hey that is what I love....and they are fine with me....but more than fine, they are way to fine and easy to go in an stay down. So no more beers (alseep 3 sips) and well I am not much of a vodka or fluffy drinker so.....I guess what I love is there. Can I say it's the best for me. Ok, I am sure the answer is NOT!!! and a resounding NO at that but it works, it's me and beyond the fabulous seafood dinner I had before leaving the beach it's all me!!! lol

another busy weekend

The weekends are starting to feel like my weeks. Being the good daughter I am, we (me and son and gf) went down to the shore on Friday night after I got some things done here at home. I cut the grass,we had dinner and off we went. Sat, a fun filled day of removing branches from four big trees that were cut down, followed but a much more fun at the shore with the kids roaming the shops while I sat out in the sun. Well what I didnt' realize is the sun was pretty strong that day, so I was pretty well toasted, considering I'm fair skinned. I had a good time, listening to the waves lap at the shore then the long ok so long drive home. The kids watched a movie and Matt and I met up originally for Ritas...but ended up having Vinnies pizza....it was a short date, but damn he's hot....lol ok enough of that..

I am off to surprise S on the 1st of May, a big surprise I'm flying down for ourbirthday's since they are only a week apart, and well I didn't feel right leaving the kids on mother's day weekend, even though they leave me all the time now :( The part of them getting older that I am not quite getting used to anyhow....I am excited and wondering what our future holds for us. We've been talking a bit about and maybe there will be changes for me....who knows. I do like him alot and it's been like forever, I wathnt to find the one who will give me the happily forever after...I hope that maybe he is it......and we are just living in different states. we'll see.

Anyhow, the weekend is over, rain is back and cold weather, I for one hate the northeast and how the weather changes so quick from nice to blah....so......don't say I didn't tell you so if you visit this time of year!

Birthdays and other assorted things

This weekend we are beach bound, the boy, dog and myself. I can't wait, the weather has broken and it's going to be an excellent weekend to hang at the shore.

Two weeks from tonight I will be celebrating some bday's with my guy. So the cards are starting to fall, we are really happy together and there is talk of me moving!! YIKES!!! TX is a big state when I live in the second smallest...

I got my first pedicure of the season....gosh my toes feel like heaven on earth!! lol

The boy is bringing a gf to the beach!! geez my baby is growing up...yes this is the youngest.

I am busy at work, and they are hinting around to see if I will be leaving soon? I guess all the trips to TX are adding up to a move for me, well that may be true, I'll know more after the next trip. While I love my life here it is stagnant....devoid of meaning and depth so maybe it will happen, who knows.

I have had a few dates up here but each time I go out I feel guilty, because I want it to be S...so I guess what Janine said is true...when am I moving to TX...lol I guess only time will tell...

Until then I am going to enjoy the weekend and have a drink with my new neighbor....and then off to the beach we are tomorrow!!

Enjoy

Friday

The weekend is here the weather is breaking and getting warmer! I have tons of yard work to get to this weekend but also want to get to the shore for a few hours or overnight if my mom is going to be down there. I am glad I made it through another winter (brrrr) and things are looking up.

I am going to have a low key visit this time, just hanging out and celebrating our birthday's. I'm glad I am able to pull it off although it isn't quite the surprise I had intended...so now my next trick is to get something else to be a suprise...more to come on that one!

Work is crazy busy, as usual. I am growing my dept by leaps and bounds each week and we are becoming, well more efficient I guess would be a good description of it! We have a new girl in our group and she is great, amazing that she is able to accomplish what the other did andway more without any complaining..lol

So I'm off to get ready for work and enjoy yet another pretty day!

Thursday

I am musing....next month is both S and mine birthday....I was trying to find a great way to go down there and suprise him, but I could not think of any....so I made some plans (held my breath) and yes there were welcomed with open arms...we will spend the days between our bdays together!!! Do you see what I see????

Ok so I putting this out there....

I am traveling.....


alot this year....and mostly to TX so if I am in your neighborhood, I would so love to meet you in real life.....

Tell me what you think or if you live there.....

The longest week of my life.

Gah....it's about how I feel right now...work - too busy

life - too busy

me - too tired

anyhow...more pics from the trip a few ....

and who wouldn't want to have coffee and view this every morning!!!

Another wonderful weekend

What can I say, I love to travel see the new sites and absorb all that is out there for me. We had a fantastic weekend. More than fantastic but I just cannot sum up the words to make it all real. I did so much, aquarium/museum of art (king tut exhibit) in dallas then off to San Antonio. We stayed in the heart of the riverwalk area.. beautiful is beyond my wildest expectations. When I first stepped out onto the riverwalk and took it all in it literally took my breath away. I have always heard it is one of the most beautiful spots to visit in the US but this is truly one of the most beautiful spots I have ever seen. We had great food, met alot of great people and had a great time. Of course as always it came to a quick end and our next excursion is stated, San Francisco/Napa Valley, the plans are in the works but nothing is definite yet. We both agreed with his mom being sick we would nix our Paris plans for our

bday till next year just in case. So we leave you with a few shots of SA it was wonderful.....

There is more out to there to see.....just ask.....

I'm home

I'm tired, it was so much fun and yes I have to work in like 6 hours so good night and there are lots of pictures to share, of course if you are my facebook friend you will see more than what I publish here!!

Bad blogger and the long weekend

I have been so busy no time to blog. Even though we were let out early from work after all the last minute errands that had to be done I didn't pull in the drive until 8:30 and still had all the packing and organizing to do. The plane leaves in 2 hours and I have to finish getting ready and up to the airport. I am very, very excited to go see S....after flying into Dallas, he and I will be driving down to San Antonio tomorrow for the weekend. Sea World, the Riverwalk, the Alamo - here I come. I have my camera charged and ready to go! See everyone next week I am back late Tuesday night!!

Happy Easter, Passover or whatever you are celebrating this long weekend!

Enjoy

How a song can bring on thousand memories.....

I was listening to the radio tonight as I blogged. My usual, but a Chris Cornell song came on and it always floods me with a thousand memories of when my marriage starting going on the rocks, there was another man, although I would NEVER allow myself or him the knowledge that I was stirred by his affection or just the plain old fact that he paid attention to me. Of course this all came years pre-op. I was a girl, just a plain old girl at 300 lb who was invisible to the masses in general. She trolled through the days at work and the nights at the stores or whereever she roamed and no one really ever paid any attention to her. Sure she did a great job at work and took care of her boys and her then husband, but things were not always great. It's no big suprise that this divorce become an official document and that she wound up being a single mom....but a wow still to this day how one song can bring on a thousand memories of a time..........



Long forgotten!

The week is escaping me...........

we are so busy at work, it's not even within my scope of reason right now. Should I complain!! NO never because I have a great job, secure and busy. But sometimes I really feel like it drains me completely....



I have a full weekend of travel and then more travel with S this weekend. I am looking forward to this more than anything I have in a few weeks. Ok, so since he's been here. I am starting to figure out that this long distance relationship is allowing me the freedom to be me and then be "us" and I like the "us" when we are together. We really do click, we have such fun and enjoy each other's company 100% and then some. It is amazing to me that he isn't sick and tired of me and how I can be or whatever...but it's great and I am totally enjoying it. So Friday this week, which is approaching quickly, is a big travel day with a bit of down time once I get there.

On the exercise, I've been diligent, and getting some form in every day. I have even managed to drop about 5 lb....I did weigh, which I rarely do anymore, but I was feeling a bit snug in the waist of the jeans I wore this weekend, so I cut out lots and lots of carbs that I have figured out I was consuming and viola....the lbs are melting away...It still amazes me that I just have to be diligent and watch what I eat, because I truly do not get enough at any sitting for me to overeat, but a few wrong choices and bam!!

I know I wrote the other day that sometimes I feel like I am not living my life, but what I have become to realize that my life is not the same as it once was. I was stuck in the rut of thinking that things should be a certain way and me, I'm not like that so...when I started making those subtle changes, as they built I found that I was living my life, of course it's not the same life as I was used to but the one that is ME...I found this in hindsight to be profound. It still amazes me that I am developing into my personality, the ME, not the We or the US although there is nothing wrong with this, but it just isn't who I am at the current moment. I smiled too because this means, I'm there....I am at the place where I love and respect me enough to start sharing that with others....oh and I am so glad...

Wii

The boys have been requesting lately that I purchase yet another game system, the Wii. While I would love to have the Wii fit, I will secretly never tell them this. So my oldest approached me once again, via text message. I would love to have the Wii and get a Wii Fit, mom I know you would love to use it also. So I did some careful research on the net today, and while, yes I would love to have a Wii, I'm not ready to shell the out the cash investment for yet another game system in this house. Will I really love the Wii Fit as everyone raves, I do love to workout, do the yoga and get my body in whatever shape it feels is best! But seriously, we have quite a few game systems now! Probably everyone on the market! So I made my son a proposition, if I buy the Wii, he has the purchase at the same time and place the Wii fit, that way they will get their system and I get my Wii fit!! ingenous, probably not, but now he has to think about it! lol

This weekend and next....

So this weekend was way productive. I did manage to get to the shore on Sat...it was a beautiful day there regardless that it was windy. It seemed that the wind was blocked on the beach by the buildings so that in itself was an amazing thing!

I just don't think I could have had a better day there. Of course yesterday was even better and I took advantage to get alot of work done in my yard along with all the other chores I get done on the weekends!! Wash, grocery shopping, yard work, grass is cut, some beautiful (hearty) flowers are planted as we not out of the freeze danger just yet!! and I did manage to clean the house. I am traveling this coming up weekend, back to TX and my sweetie down there. I really miss him alot and he informed me tonight we are going to San Antonio for sure and visiting the riverwalk and Sea World...I am very excited!! What more could I possibly want for a great long weekend with him!! I just hope the weather holds out for all our fun!

So this week is really alot to do at work and home to get ready for the trip..sometimes at this point in my life I feel like I live someone elses life and it's surreal but I am definitely enjoying each piece of my life and what there is for me and all I offer to others. I have had some really scary recurring dreams though lately that I am fat again, that people are telling me, your fat no one wants you...I wake up all crazy thinking it's not really happening is it!! No, I know it is not but WOW that is something I never thought I would experience!

So tonight, we are off to watch a movie, ds2 and I...I want to get in as much time with them this week since I'm off this weekend!!

Enjoy

Saturday

I spent today at the shore, I drove down this a.m. after dropping off my son for his field trip to Philly. It was glorious but a bit windy. Temps probably 65 - 70 but geez the wind at some times was gusting up to 40 mph. I had a great day, I got a coffee and got some great pics (which I will post soon) on the beach walked up and down one time, then did some light shopping taking advantage of the 75% off from last years fashions...and got ds2 some caramel popcorn before my ride home. Upon returning home I offered to take gf and ds2 to the movies and we saw The Knowing. Not bad, not the greatest movie we've seen but not the worst either. It was nice to be out with the kids..

DS2 is dealing once again with some emotional issues. I wish I could help him through it, we sat and had a long talk tonight, but I know there is more to it than what he is sharing and it kills me. I hear the sadness in his voice but don't know how to help him. Lots of hugs and love is what I am currently giving, hopefully today was just a little bit of a down day for him, it worries me :(

I am back on track with my exercise big time, I'm so proud of myself and the inspirations out there...it's nice to read about their accomplishments and I too want to be someone like that! I did get in the pool last night and did some laps, not as many as I used to do, but hey it's a start right!!

I'm glad spring is here and well tomorrow is supposed to be a better day weather wise than today!! yeah

A whole week?

WOW I did not realize it's been a whole week since I've been here. Life has been busy, I sold my dead truck to a young boy who I would only assume is in fix it mode, it helped me out alot to get back some of the money I put into it and it was better than sending to the junkyard. I am getting ready for my next excursion to TX, I leave Friday morning, early!! We are traveling to San Antonio where I will get to also meet a cyber friend! and see the Alamo. I've heard that San Antonio is beautiful.

The weather here has been crazy, hot and sunny then chillier and rainy. We had a huge line of tstorms crawl through yesterday then pop out comes the sun, got to love spring!!

My youngest is attending a "Stop the Violence" conference in Philly today, they are going to a 76's game also and getting to meet some of the players so that is very cool for him, me I'm just going to hang out,though about going to the beach for the day and I may still, but it's very windy....so we'll see!!