Monday, May 07, 2007

Almost six months out

and noticing that my digestive system is changing, transforming, evolving (for lack of better words) once again. In the first five months I never had any problems with any of the foods as long as they were on the ok list. I have eaten small amounts, 2-3 oz per meal, as I cannot tolerate much more than that so far. Of course I have days when I feel like I have a wooden leg and can consume more throughout the day, but never in one sitting. I have always attributed this to changing exercise patterns, more exercise, TTOM, etc. So now as I am evolving once again, I notice that dairy (yogurt, cottage cheese, string cheese, ok you get it) is making me one stinky girl. I have progressed from little gas to a big gas hound!! Compound that with dairythat I love to eat and it leads to one person I would not desire to be around for the rest of the day, sorry to my co-workers. Where do I go from here? Well that is the burning question of mine that I will take up with the NUT and will go from there. It's strange how I've noticed as I've aged that every 5-7 years my body would morph itself. I know how can a basically fat person notice when the fat shifts...easy! I would notice the midriff section thickening, the legs getting heavier at the top the arms growing batwings like I was about to take off and fly! The face, the double chin then the triple chin. But now I am left with all this excess skin from the weight I've lost so far, unfortunately the batwings are still there (as expected) the midriff is still thicker than I would hoped it would have turned out. And the thighs well let's say jello jigglers have nothing on me. Where did this all come from? I have no idea as when I was a basic fat person I didn't care, point blank what was fat where it jiggled, etc. But I think with my evolving body my mind is also evolving into the mindset that I was to look pleasant to others along with myself! This is a brand new evolution to me, because I can remember at the beginning of this journey I was like as long as I'm fit and thinner I didn't care what the body looked like. So even though I strongly thought I would never seek out plastics, they could be a very real possibility for my future! GASP!!

It's really crazy this whole body dismorphia vs mind dismorphia thing going on with me right now. I'm almost as obsessed with it as I was with the scale until I broke the darn thing and threw it away without a replacement. Talk about a way to get rid of the scale for those of us who were obsessed with it. I felt almost like I needed to start a support group like AA for obsessive scale users. Hello, my name is Michelle and I'm obsessed with stepping on the scale and weighing myself. Quite a silly notion but those who've had WLS understand this point completely.

I spoke of my gf who is into totally bashing me and basically not wanting to hang out with me anymore, yes it hurts, what human wouldn't have those feelings from a friend who in 20+ years of friendship feels like it's all going down the potty because one of us decided to have WLS...but it happens. End of story, right now the ball in her court. I've made her a friendship card this weekend and sent it, if she sees fit she will respond, if not, well then life goes on. RIGHT!! A little background on her, she is heavy, not nearly as fat as I once was and yes, maybe yes she's feeling like I'm not the heavy one in our friendship anymore, but I thought with all the talk and stuff she was ok with it!! Obviously NOT but such is life. We move into one era and out of another at all given points in time.

My IPOD is broken, I'm torn in a friendship and my 43rd birthday is this week! I think I'm having a bit of middle age syndrome bordering mid-life crisis and feeling sorry for myself. I'll snap out of it and we'll all be grooving again shortly!


Danyele said...

Happy Birthday Michelle!

I'm sorry that you're having a crummy week so far. It will get better. I think your friend will think about how she's reacted to you and you'll be able to get past it. I'm wishing all the best for the two of you ((hugs))

Michelle said...

Thank you Danyele, it's been hard. We've been friends for so long I feel like I've lost a piece of me. Thanks for the bday wishes too!