Thursday, January 22, 2009

Day two

Alot of my fellow WLS friends struggle with the fluctuations and ups and downs of weight as we get on in our journey. It's a fact of life, this wonderful "tool" we are given is just that a tool. It's not a cure all, nothing that is going to fix your mind and body and make you beauty pageant thin and beautiful, that is all up to the individual. I have had great success since having my surgery. I have lost my weight, hit my goal and am able to maintain. That in itself is no small feat, because truthfully alot of people never actually hit their goal. They get to a "comfortable" place and then everything stops. Some tend to gain back a little or alot of weight. I have a few people who had surgery when I did who have gained back quite a bit of weight back since surgery, I'm talking 50, 60 or more lbs. It's scary to me to think this could be my reality. Deep down I do not want it to be. I still struggle somedays with the mirror image that reflects back at me, I see myself as I am now, the girl who wears a 6 or 8 or weighs arond 135-145 lb at any given time but I don't always believe what I see in the mirror. This morning was a perfect example of this, I picked out a shirt to wear and while putting it on thinking, I will never be able to button this, well low and behold the shirt big. When will this ever change? Who knows maybe it never will, sometimes I just need to hear the voice say to me, you are healthy, happy and in the right range for you. I'm petrified of returning the girl I once was.

This whole revelation and story is taking me to something that is going on in my life right now....I moved to my current resident around 5-6 years ago, it was the beginning of the end of my marriage,health and alot of things that were going bad in my life. I have had a partial knee replacement, followed by more weight gain, then the GBS which was followed by my then husband leaving and then the maintenance phase began with me out there dating again. The dating life of me has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, I would say mostly downs. The other night I was on my facebook account and an old neighbor from where I lived sent me an email, "hi neighbor, boy do you look diferent". Well I wasn't sure at first who this person was so I looked at the profile, then thought I recognized them. I replied, yes I've lost quite a bit of weight. They responded you really look great....ok are you seeing this is from a guy neighbor, he proceeds to ask how my children are, my former pet and husband. I respond, the kids are great, my poor pet has passed away and well my husband is now an exh. So we've been back and forth with the chitchat over the email and I give him my number so we can catch up (he was part of a bigger group in that neighborhood that used to hang out together) well I can now see he is taking this towards a possible dating route. I just don't know if I am ready, plus I am in the mentality of he remembers me heavy, fat per se.....I know just by writing if I don't know if I am ready I'm not right, maybe yes, maybe no. I know that when I lived there I thought he was very handsome and all that but I was married so nothing. I also remember telling my one neighbor that if I were single I would have pursued him back then also, she always would tease me about this, maybe she knew his attraction also, maybe not. So tonight we will meet up for coffee and a chat and go from there. I'm not going to shut the door on this, but I just don't know how I feel about it.....

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