Friday, May 18, 2007

Relationships and WLS

This is something that I have been struggling with for the past few months and it seems that it's hitting closer to home than ever, especially in the last month of so. I was in complete denial about the whole situation, figuring it would blow over, just end whatever but alas's not. It's a terrible place to be, especially when food is no longer your comfort in life. DH and I have had a fairly good relationship, little background married 7 1/2 years together for 15 almost 16 now. Throughout the whole relationship up until now I've been morbidly obese. Is the WLS the reason for the strain in the relationship? Probably. I have told him a million times when he comments you will get thin and find someone new, that I have never said that, it's all in his mind. But c'mon how many times can a girl hear this? It gets old, he's refusing to think that we can mold this newness into our already accustomed lifestyle. I suggest therapy, that's for wimps. Well I think this wimp is going to be signing up soon for it! Seriously folks, why do so many relationships suffer? I never in a million years thought it would be mine! The plain old comment that flew out of his mouth last night just perplexed me enough to want to throw in the towel and move on. I'm tired, of the jealously of losing weight, the attention other people are starting to give me...the insecurity of the dh, his demons that he's fighting with it along the way. I'm just an unhappy camper about the whole situation. It is what it is....KWIM??? When I was pre-op I told him a million times about this whole issue, reassuring him that I was not going to change my mind about him....but I almost think he is changing his mind about me. He liked the plump, pudgy, double, sometimes triple chin chick I was...he doesn't like this new bonier, healthier person I've become. He says I'm always bitter and edgy with him, I don't see it?? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not....

I'm rambling but I'm sad, and I have nothing to eat...oh that's right I can't eat!!! I will get sick. It's going to be a long weekend, I'm tired and stressed already and we've only just begun!

1 comment:

Marybeth said...

As a post op whose husband left her for that which she used to be, please hear me:

The fact that he's telling you his fears is a sign that he wants to work through it. I wish to God my ex husband once...just once...would have said those words to me directly. I found out after he left that prior to my surgery he called a radio show and said those words. But never to me. Not once.

I begged my husband to go for therapy and he refused. Then towards the very end, he finally said "well I'll go to help you through YOUR issues" and my pride reared up and I told him to go to hell because it was our issues, not mine. In hindsight, I should have. Any reason to have gotten him there should have been sufficient.

You *are* different. Physically and emotionally. There is a shift in the dynamics and indeed the power in your relationship. It's very difficult to go through that, noth on your side and his. You are getting more attention and let's face it, you're loving it. You're loving being the success, the star, and the topic of conversation. It's natural - this is the biggest thing that's ever happened to you and he likely feels left behind.

And maybe you want to leave him behind. You don't have to answer me, just think within yourself. Perhaps he's the last remnant of your former life of which you want to forget.

Mine was. We limped along for over a year with his passive-aggressive behavior and my less-thn-passive.

The more your confidence balloons, the more his is deflating. I'm not judging you at all, please don't think that. But having gone through it, I can share my hindsights.

Get into some counseling. Use any means necessary to get him there, even if it means sacrificing some of your pride and asking him to go just to support you. Don't call it marriage counseling, call it Michelle Therapy. Let him see that you need him to continue getting through this.

Nobody ever thinks it will happen to them. But you're ahead of the curve because he's telling you about it. Try to put yourself in his shoes - if he went through all of these emotional and physical changes, wouldn't you feel a bit lost and insecure? Left behind?

I will regret until the end of time that I let my pride swell up like that the one time he agreed to try it, "for my sake". I should have done it. I don't think the end result would have been any different - he was already in love with someone else. But we might have had a better chance.