Sunday, July 05, 2009

Twists and turns

and what I believe I have found out is I am truly perceived quite differently than I think I am. I am truly shocked and saddened to hear how someone perceived the type of person I am. Here I have spent years trying to change the way I am, the misery and pain out of my life and what has it left me, hardened. That is the only word I can think that sums up in one word what was said to me yesterday. So, the big question is.....are M and I over? Who knows, I think in my heart he wishes I were a little less hard. And if so, where do I go from here? Well I march forward as I always have, but this time, finally I have the opportunity of some insight on how an honest person perceived me. I hated to hear these words come out of his mouth, that I like things to be a certain way, that I expect answers on questions that cannot be answered right now, that I am a bad ass (that one hurt the most). What will I take from this, learning, insight. Something to genuinely sink my teeth into and correct. So, he's gone, to the beach with his daughter. He'll be back in a few days, and then I guess we'll see if he still has interest. I'm not holding my breath but pushing forward in my life right now, because it's the only thing I can do!

As I sat numbly watching the fireworks last night, I realized that this life I am leading is not the one I had envisioned for myself, but also the reality of what I thought and the reality of what is being seen are two different things.

3 comments:

Fab Kate said...

I think I understand somewhat how you feel. I know that I've hardened over the years, and now worry that I am not capable of having a relationship. I KNOW inside that I'm vulnerable, but it doesn't come off anywhere. How to open up after all the learned defenses? It's something I have to work on myself.

Sunshine said...

Michelle, Honey you arent a hard person. You care greatly about others. There is a difference between being hard and with keeping a wall around your heart to protect yourself from being hurt. This is what he is seeing. Your protection is keeping him from getting as close as he wants to be. I don't know if you are a Christian but I do know God can soften that heart and heal the pain that caused you to need to protect yourself. Hang in there and don't judge yourself so harshly.
Blessings,
Karen

Susy said...

I read your blog and have been lucky enough to get to know a piece of you through this blog and your thoughts. I believe your a strong, independent woman that knows what she wants and has stood aside long enough. Hard= NO, I'd say those are bricks that can be broke down with the right love. But you just can't give your heart on a platter in the first month. I know you want to share your life with someone special. I believe you love yourself and have learned a lot in the past several years and maybe thats a bit intimidating to some men. You have to love yourself first and take care of you! Someone will fall in love with all of you and love you for that. Don't let this push you down, you are worth a fight and you are special, someone will see that! :)