Friday, June 27, 2008

Couldn't sleep

I hate the waiting. I couldn't sleep, even though I had a few drinks last night to try and help me sleep. The girls showed up at my door to bring me out for a few (I had 2). They said K sent them to get me. He's such a sweetie and man the big hug I got from him was the best I had all week and much needed. So I was out, we had a few, listened to some music, I really wasn't into the whole night but it was a nice distraction after the full day of cooking and seeing old relatives. My mom's house was a bustling pletora of activity all day into the evening.

I also got to speak with another fellow (who I told time and time again I will only ever be your friend) about some things he was saying about me. I didn't like what was said at all and well to be honest I am not the kind of person he was portraying me to be, but then the person who relayed the message doesn't like me much anyhow, so....well anyhow, back to him, I told him why would you say such things happened between us when they didn't, of course he denied the whole thing. IDIOT!! I told him this is not you treat friends, at least this is not how I treat friends so he wasn't being a real friend and please just refrain from speaking with me.

Another guy last night told me I looked mean, whateva...I told him my grandma died and I was just out of sorts, he said so, people die everyday. They were just a dime a dozen last night.

So today, I have my beautiful dress ready to wear, I have to shower and get ready, I've been up for hours and well I'm not really ready, I just want to see her and give a hug one more time but everytime I think about it I well up with tears. Sometimes I hate that I am such an openly emotional person but it is what it is and there will be alot of tissues today!

J and MB are picking me up after I drop my youngest off tonight, to distract me for a while. That sounds like the best idea I've heard all day, just to get there.

On the bright note, I have a date tomorrow night with K. Yes the K I am not sure of, but he has been there for me all week, he is a nice guy (or at least so far) so I'm excited about this. Sunday is my little sister's wedding shower and we are going to one yummy restaurant on the Wilmington Waterfront...YUMMY!!

Moving on to WL, I haven't exercised in a few days, I am feeling the effects of not doing so, but I just haven't had the time, tomorrow my body needs it. I still cannot get it in my head how someone who shyed away from exercise and healthy living now craves it when she isn't doing it. I really have come along way but sometimes I still think like the "fat" girl. My weight, well it's down, I knew it was going to go there, but there again lies a change. Before I used to run to food, smuggle, hide and gorge myself anytime I had any stress or anything happen in my life. Now, well my throat constricts and I can't seem to get anything down. I was talking with a friend yesterday about how stress and eating is so different than before and it seems to be a change that alot of WLS patients go through. The how and why of that? I have no idea but it seems to be the norm. So I have hit the 130's, never in my life do I remember being in the 130's but there I am....Sometimes when I wear certain types of clothes well I look too thin, am I? Have I done something that is too drastic and radical? No, because after this passes I will put back on a few pounds, I will resume being me and normal....I'm happy, healthy, and well just normal. Isnt' that really what we all wanted to be at the beginning of this journey?


Sharon said...

So very sorry about the loss of your Grandma. I still miss mine and she's been gone for 20 years. Sigh. Stay strong.

Susy said...

Boy do I agree with the statement of stress after wieght loss surgery. Same things happens to me now. Just can't eat when I'm stressed now.

I'm so sorry about your grandma and even more sorry someone told you "people die everyday". :( Duh... but have a heart. To not have someone you love in your life anymore is hurtful and personal. A hug would of been nice rather than not so nice words. Mean people suck!

Have a yummy lunch on the waterfront and well talk soon Michelle.

:) Take care of you!