Monday, July 30, 2007

Attention or not?

I've noticed lately that alot of post WLS folks are sometimes embarrassed about the amount of attention that is drawn to them once they lost a significant amount of weight. While this weight may not be the goal they have pre-set for themselves or maybe they are only 1/2 way through their journey, for some they may be at goal, but it may be the most uncomfortable thing when you go to a party, outing or simply run into an old friend (who hasn't seen you in a while) and they gush, overboard at that. You become the topic of conversation, it is humiliating at best when all you tried to do pre-WLS is hide behind a fabric of distain and keep your distance from everyone. Your mind has a really hard time assimilating the fact that YES, you are beautiful and yes YOU have lost weight and look fantabulous! BUT WAIT, you are shy, and at best not in a frame of mind to handle this compliment. What do you do? Do you run out of the room and slink back to your bed, pull the sheets over your head and hide? Or can you simply take the compliment move the subject along and pray they don't bring it back up. I have found that I can accept the compliment, while I don't always believe in the compliment I do realize that I have worked very hard to loose these 90 some lbs and even though I have more to go to be at my personal and doctor goal I have lost the equivalent of a boy scout. That is a victory in itself. I am not a defeatist to run and hide and can graciously accept said compliment but many can't and to tell you the truth I haven't heard of alot of people who are mentally prepared to deal with this post-surgery.

Post surgery, you are trying to walk, sip and get in any amount of protein that can justify a means to an end. Once you get a little further out, you make a meal plan, stick to it religiously and the weight simply falls off. Then you hit six months and you hit a plateau, once this happens you have usually lost about 1/2 or more of your expected weight loss, but wait...NO ONE says now you need to learn how to accept the compliments and be a part of the IN crowd. You are socially acceptable in gatherings, you are winked at by men walking down the street. You have superiors who praise your work (not that it is different than the work you used to submit) but this is society. We are raised on books like VOGUE, ELLE, etc which body size is important. They say you should be fit and healthy, but what model is fit and healthy at a size 0 when she's 5'10" tall? You see hip bones protrude and collar bones appear and even the ribs. You once knew they were tucked away in your body all safe and sound under those layers and layers of fat, but now you can see them! SHOCK at it's best is all I can say. I am still amazed that I have hip bones and when I lay I see and feel them, pointy little buggers they are. Of course when I stand I still have the panni to deal with so they are still tucked away a bit and safe for now.

I still have a hard time with body image. Someone actually called me skinny this weekend. Of course I thanked her but at the same time ran and looked in the mirror and all I saw was the fat panni hanging and the loose, wiggly, jiggly jello type skin hanging off my thighs and the bat wings and I thought, where is this skinny person she is referring too? I do not always assimilate me with this person, she and I have not become one person yet. I am working on this, it's a hard, upward battle, which I intend on winning but only because I'm not a defeatist. I want to be the best I can in health and there for my children when they bring their's over to visit with me (in the future of course) but I also and doing this for ME!!!

So thank you to the drs and NUTS and all those who have marched in my shoes before me, whether you've had RNY, DS or Banding, we are all one and united in this million people march to victory.


Danyele said...

Lovely post - I know exactly what you're saying. Every day I feel a little closer to "becoming" that skinny girl.. for the 2 of us to become 1, so to speak.

Dagny said...

I've got one neighbor who HAS to call me "skinny" every time she sees me now, usually in some loud, sing-song-y tone of voice. AND I CAN'T STAND IT! The last couple of times I've told her I'm not skinny, I'm just normal.

Next time I might not be so nice. I don't really know this lady. I don't owe her shit!