Tuesday, September 23, 2008

First day of Autumn

And the weather is changing and so is my life.

The x is going back to Fl again, I think at this point I wish he would make up his mind because it's very sad and confusing for our son. He told me he was leaving again in front of ds2. DS2 told me later in the car that he heard that news for the first time just then and he asked me if his father really cared about him? What do you say? My relationship with the ex has sometimes been very bad, I really take the stand that my children can figure their father's relationship with them out theirselves. I was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place? What do you say that will soothe the child without lying to yourself and breaking your own rule? Such is life if he wants to leave or stay that is his choice, but stop becoming the yo-yo that your life is and try to find a job and settle somewhere.

So the first full day of autumn. There has been alot of change in my life in the past few months, the end of yet another short relationship, the start of my one son in college, the birthday that allowed him to become an adult, school starting for the other son, my divorce becoming final, the possible end of yet another friendship (because I can't give more) and what have I gained from all of this besides a spinning head? I've grown, I'm learning, I'm becoming and I'm moving forward. After thinking last month at the end of the last relationship that I'm not going to be starting this anytime soon, well maybe I will eat my own words maybe not, I'm going to see G again, I'm going to see where this may or may not go, I'm going to put myself out there and bear my feelings, my soul and my life. Put it all out there on the line and if it becomes it does. I have a good feeling but again I've had those before. The difference this time? I've grown, I've become and I am speaking up early for what I believe, want and love. I'm not compromising, I'm not just there in the relationship, being somewhat emotionally unavailable as I have also been in the past. I chose men in the past to deal with life how I wanted to, which really wasn't much. I wasn't ready, am I now? Who knows, but I'm different, I can feel it in how I am, how I act, what I say, how I think.

Lastly, I want to touch on my weight, it's up a bit, I am sticking on the high end of my 5 lb fluctuation. I don't want it to grow more, but I do want to be cognizant that it's sitting there and has been for quite a few weeks. I've had quite a few emotional weeks and well I'm outside my 18 month window (as the doctor's suggest) I know I can drop these 5 if I try really hard, I do want to but I also want to be true to myself. I haven't really been weighing myself lately, in fact I suppose it's almost been a month since I did weigh myself. Am I disappointed to see I'm sitting here? Not really, I'm exercising still, eating as healthy as I can right now, I feel good, look good and well I need to become comfortable with this whole process, because that is what it is. It's another learning phase in my life, how to eat and maintain. It's hard, no wonder all those skinny girls are always on a 'diet', it's how they maintain their sleek physique. Do I want to be the skinny girl, no I don't, I just want to be me, normal!


Sharon said...

Hey girl. One day at a time is all you can do - and you look fabulous - everyone deals with the 5 pounds - don't beat yourself up!!!!

On a totally unrelated note, OH conference on Oct. 4th in Philly - I will be there - you should come!!!!

Susy said...

For me I know I can never look away again. Meaning- it was too easy for me to become fat, so I know I can never look away again.

Michelle I can see and read you have learned to love yourself. You have grown and you will find someone to share forever with. Knowing your OK with or without a man equals STRENGTH. You are a special person. Keep that smile on and stay strong.