This is where I need to be...

No matter where I am in my life, this where I need to be... I am a person who needs to put down in words what is going on in my life...I am slow at realizing this is the truth...so here is what is going on...

Last week, not so good, I had a few days of feeling ill, then Wed, I made the doctor appt before that I had racing heart and some anxiety, well it comes to be that I had a mild heart attack,  I am coping with this illness, not so well, but it is my life now.. Thank goodness I gave notice to my second job, relieve a bit of stress.  We went and saw some awesome apts today, so application will be put in and hopefully I will get to move in the next month.  My life is topsy turvy at best but the whole heart attack thing has got me on a pause.  I did WAY too much yesterday, came home, slept and then was so shaky.  Not sure how I will manage the eight hours tomorrow but I will put my best foot forward as always....

I am scared, I have never had anything so severe happen to me in my life, I have one son who is 100% reliant on me and I can't bear the thought of not being there for him, yet alone leaving my oldest.  I don't know where my future leads, but it's hard.  The bypass has left me with them saying I don't eat enough...I have lost 18lbs since May when I say my family doc last, its scary, but I again don't know what else to do, I am trying my best each and every day, but it seems not enough.....  so yes this is my release to put it all out there.

On a brighter note, James, a dear friend and maybe you can consider bf has been wonderful, three jobs he has and he has been there for me more than once this week, he is my rock....I just feel like I need something to hold on to....silly, stupid but is how I feel right now...I have my best girl,  she knows who she is, but the many miles put us in position to not spend quality time, I love her no less just wish we were closer.  My life is a puzzle, each day reveals a new piece, not sure I always to play....

Life and it's many twists and turns.....

The past two weeks have been a up and down rollercoaster ride with many twists and turns.  Many highs and many lows, but I am coming out of it in one piece.  First off, giving notice to the job #2, it has served it's purpose and I need me back.  So not too much longer.  Secondly, found out an old bf and still friend passed end of June.  That was shocking and very sad to me, kind of made me take a pause and think about my life and where I want to be.  We were two weeks apart in age....so many changes are occuring right now in my life.  Third, I have no time to look for places to live because I am ALWAYS working, we are changing that!! 

So, we had the friend crab feast last weekend, Saturday, what a great time.  It is always great to see all my friends, and with no softball and little get togethers this year it was a welcome relief in my busy life.  I had met a guy, but for whatever reason that didn't seem to work out....the other one in my life, well I am going to keep him around for a bit and see how things work out..lol  I am off this weekend, tomorrow we go to Baltimore for the afternoon and evening, Saturday, family reunion.  It's going to be a beautiful weekend and I can't wait to see old family and hang with friends.

Work, is work  always busy and crazy....that about sums up my last two weeks....I will try to be more diligent, this is really a great tool for me

Change of plan and it's all good....

Mom had some friends in her condo at the beach this week, they asked if they could stay for the weekend so she called me at work today. Sure, why not, they are from the mid states region and I am sure they don't get quite enough beach time as we do, so we are here home tonight. A book I had ordered came in tonight at Borders so I went and picked it up. I also found out today at work today that I have won a trip to Nascar in Bristol, TN next month. Now don't get me wrong, I have no clue about Nascar, but I am up for a trip to a new place that I have never been before, plus I get to bring a friend..hmmmm I will dig deep on this one!!! I have a few Nascar friendly friends here in mind, but we'll see who's worthy of an all expense weekend in Bristol, TN ...lol Don't get me wrong, I love all my friends, but it seems like friend I didn't even know I had come out of the woodwork when these things happen!

Next weekend, we are off to NYC....again, I need to find someone to accompany me, and I have been wracking my brain over this all day. I hate to ask someone at the last minute, but I think in numbers it will be that much more fun!!

Tomorrow we have decided to drive to the beach for the day, we are packed and ready to go, so now just a good nights rest and some sun and fun tomorrow and maybe a good seafood dinner on the way home!!

I made it to the Y today too, weights, I did the whole circuit, I am quite sure I will also feel this tomorrow too!! lol

As for M, yes he and I are over, but in his mind I guess he thinks not, I had to finally block his number on my phone today because he keeps calling and texting....I just don't get men, and at this point, well I don't want tooo.....lol

Friday and the weekend is here........

It's going to be a great weekend weather wise, I am hoping to have ds2 and myself on the road by 7pm headed down to the beach. I am packed, have my gym stuff in the car too for a quickie workout after work. Yes, I am putting my priority back in my life of exercise! It really has helped me through all that has been going on. Of course it doesn't mean I'm happy about the way this has turned out, but it is what it is Of course, he did text me yesterday, unbelievable was my opinion on that one. I have no idea why they always continue to self-medicate because maybe they feel a little bad about how they treated me. A simple sorry, or honesty up front would have been alot better. Anyhow, it's over, there is no turning back for me. But on an unhappy note, now I am single for the big boat trip next weekend. I do have a few friends Iam considering to ask to tag along, it's going to be a great trip as always down the Hudson River into NYC and by the Statue of Liberty, followed by a great dinner that night overlooking the NYC skyline and a sleepover!!

So with this I am off to work, I have alot to do today and we have alot of people coming in too!!

Enjoy the day and the weekend!

No more

dating for me for quite a while. Last night was such an eye opening experience of how one person who you think maybe you might a small clue about shows you that you really have no clue at all. He never called, text or nothing. Finally I just ended up doing something I hate and showed up at his house for MY things. I got the attitude and the words to go with it. I really didn't want to go into the whole tirade but he kept pushing. I didn't get too upset, although a little. I was madder than ever that it had to come to this. The end result is that I am not ready to deal with this sort of stuff in my life right now. I have way too many other things going on right now. My friends here say, he'll call in a week or two when things cool down. Yeah, well we'll see and to be honest I am not sure I want to speak with him. It seems I have a knack of getting these phone calls from ex's quite frequently. Why? I have no idea but I think it's because deep down I always search for good in people and I never leave the people feeling any feelings of ill will. Who knows really though. Anyhow, today I start over. I have alot of work to accomplish at work, but that is not the only thing going on. Of course the ongoing care of the youngest. Tomorrow he is able to start putting a little weight on the leg so getting around should be a bit easier. I know he is looking forward to being more independent again!

My oldest son's gf is coming home tomorrow night also, 2 long months away and he is very happy she is finally coming home! He's been great about it, a little shaky at the start but overall very patient....I think that is very commendable!

So again, I'm off to work, tonight the Y and working on the issues with the wrist. I will succeed to get this back on track and getting myself well again.

The verdict is in..........

I am waiting for him to get home so I can get my stuff. He totally blew me off again, and this time is the last time!

Tonight is the night...........

he called at lunch with a little prodding from me for us to talk, so I am supposedly going over there tonight and we are going to hang out and talk. What does this mean? I have no clue, I can't even fathom where I will stand when I leave tonight, so now it's time for me to call and let him know I am home....

Ok so that is done, of course he didn't answer, he never does and I am sure that he will bail yet again on me, because something better came up....I need to get my things so if he decides that I am not worth the time to talk to he at least needs to get my stuff out because I will be going to get it tonight!

So now I wait! as usual

Back to work

with a heavy heart. I was hoping maybe he would call, but I know the time and distance is what is needed. I was very busy with my own things yesterday so it kept me going all day long. I have decided if I don't hear from him by Wed I will call and make arrangements to get the few things I left at his house and need back. Unfortunately I would just leave, but they are irreplaceable. Struggling with me, who I am again. I have thought alot about what was said to me, I think the thing that shocked me more is how I am perceived and the part that it was actually told to me. I am striving to be a better person and to hear that I am not that upbeat as I always think I am...well that is a shocker, still recovering from that. I am moving forward, I wanted to get up and do yoga, but I stayed up too late watching a movie, so my gym bag is packed and I will be here right after work! No if, and's or buts about it. I need to get myself back in some of the shape I used to be, it always felt great and when I work out I feel good about me!

So, off to the trenches, hopefully the day will fly by...

Twists and turns

and what I believe I have found out is I am truly perceived quite differently than I think I am. I am truly shocked and saddened to hear how someone perceived the type of person I am. Here I have spent years trying to change the way I am, the misery and pain out of my life and what has it left me, hardened. That is the only word I can think that sums up in one word what was said to me yesterday. So, the big question is.....are M and I over? Who knows, I think in my heart he wishes I were a little less hard. And if so, where do I go from here? Well I march forward as I always have, but this time, finally I have the opportunity of some insight on how an honest person perceived me. I hated to hear these words come out of his mouth, that I like things to be a certain way, that I expect answers on questions that cannot be answered right now, that I am a bad ass (that one hurt the most). What will I take from this, learning, insight. Something to genuinely sink my teeth into and correct. So, he's gone, to the beach with his daughter. He'll be back in a few days, and then I guess we'll see if he still has interest. I'm not holding my breath but pushing forward in my life right now, because it's the only thing I can do!

As I sat numbly watching the fireworks last night, I realized that this life I am leading is not the one I had envisioned for myself, but also the reality of what I thought and the reality of what is being seen are two different things.

What a great Saturday....

I don't always get along with my mom, but man she helped me out in a big way yesterday! Ds2 stayed with her lounging by the pool and sticking one leg in!! lol while M and I and two of his friends headed down the shore. It was a beautiful sunny day, we stopped and had a quick bite to eat before hitting the sand. I can't believe I totally forgot my camera, what the heck! The ocean was suprisingly warm too, spent about 1 1/2 hours in it swimming and just riding the waves. I was exhausted afterward and fell promptly asleep while he went running on the sand. lol Around 5pm some dark clouds popped up and everyone as running for the cars, we took our time since we were already all wet! Stopped in Dewey on the way back up and had some ok seafood we shared. It wasn't the best food, but it was a great day. On the way home we decided to go out that night (after showers) for a few drinks. I called mom to make sure and talk to ds2. He said to me, "Mom, go out, come over tomorrow morning and get me and we'll hang then, have fun!" My little boy, getting so grown up. So I came home showered and met him back at his house and off we went, we then hung out at his house for the night and I got ds2 this morning and we watched a movie and made pancakes. He's resting right now, as this weekend spent by the pool has drained him along with all the pain meds he's taking! One day at a time right now....

Best laid plans turn to mush......

So Thursday night I am getting ready to walk out the door to M's but first have to take ds2 to mom's. He's outside skateboarding, doing all those fancy tricks he sees on tv, videos, whatever...next thing I hear is this blood curdling scream, it literally made my blood run cold. I run out the back door and there he is lying 1/2 on the sidewalk, 1/2 in the street, but the thing that worried me the most was the bone protruding from his ankle. There is no way I can get him up and in the car and of course I didn't want him to realize what had happened, he was just laying there sobbing. So I told him to just stay put, DO NOT MOVE and keep your head down, I need to get something. I ran into the house and called 911 for an ambulance and then M to let him know what is going on. Well, M said call back 911 and cancel that (no need for that bill) and he came over and got ds2 in the truck and off to the hospital we went. After hours of what seemed like waiting, but really it was xrays and whatnot, they decided to stabilize him and get some of the swelling down before they have to go in and put in pins and whatnot...poor baby, now for him the summer is done. He's right now home with me and mom, we headed up to mom's because I can't lift him by myself and my oldest is working all weekend. So yesterday was a chore, it was hard to get him to the bathroom and such.....anyhow long story short, tomorrow we go home, I'm tired, but Mom and T are at the house today, so mom and M decided to get me out of the house. They agreed yesterday and M, me and two friends are headed down the shore for the day. I don't always get along w/my mom but she suprised me this time and for that I am grateful! So, I will be leaving shortly to scoot down to M's and off we go, I hope it's a good day, but at least ds2 is in good hands today and I will get one beach day in. Unfortunately, also this was our weekend at the beach with the gf's and of course I had to cancel that :(

So, I need to find something to wear, and get my hair done and off I go.....

Oh and the sun is out, finally! After a 94 degree day yesterday I would say summer has hit us hard, thank goodness for mom's pool yesterday too, as ds2 and I were able to spend a lot of time outside of course him in the shade but it was better than being cooped up in the house all day watching tv. Poor boy :(

At the end of an emotional weekend.....

He finally got in late Saturday night, we had a great night and I was off on Sunday to do my planned day of seeing dad and visiting my grandma's grave.

Sat night was wonderful, simply wonderful.....

Sunday, not so wonderful. When we pulled up in front of the house and I saw weeds as tall as 3' out front I knew something was wrong. When we walked into the house I knew it, something was definitely wrong. The once normally model fit home was messy, things were everywhere and I didn't know what was going on. Then the first look at my father and I was shocked, he's lost a tremendous amount of weight in a short amount of time and was looking haggard and worn. Evidently the gf has had quite a few surgeries in less than a month and well it has forced his hand into being primary caregiver. He cannot get through the day and get everything done, but for his own health's sake I hope he takes days off here and there or he will never make it through the next 8 months of recovery. Then onto grandma's grave, 1 year has passed since she passed and well it was an emotional reunion. My father and my grandma have always been the two important people in my life, they have always loved me unconditionally and well I miss one and the other broke my heart to see how his life had turned. Of course these emotions spilled over into my own relationship and well it didn't go so well Sunday night and Monday morning, we were able to talk through it, but there is that thing, the underlying emotion that I have experienced and the fact that it had to turn into what it did, so where does that leave me, I have no clue.

Today, Tuesday is a new day to start fresh again....I want to have a very positive day! and the end of the week is girls weekend at the beach! YEAH!!!

We are there....

and I am almost in blissful mode....yes

He's almost home
I am almost 100% happy
and the weekend...well....


will be blissful.......I can't wait

more to come....

see you all on Monday or more updates!!!!

I am so glad it's Friday....

you have no idea. After another trying day yesterday, I came home after stopping at bank, made a quick pot of spaghetti for the boys, ate a small salad and headed up to bed. Yes, 6:30pm and I was in bed and asleep at 7pm. I slept straight through until 10:30 and then was up for about 1/2 hour and fell promptly back asleep. M called around midnight and we talked until about 1:30 and I fell back asleep but finally woke up this a.m. well slept and refreshed for the first time in days! My oldest took care of his brother running him between his friends and gf's house which was great, he made sure the house stayed quiet for me, cleaned up the dinner dishes and the family room too (I need to write that down it's a first in a long time).

It's been raining here for 10 days straight, but today? SUN!! I am so excited it's not even funny..lol My guy is home tomorrow night, I can't wait to see him and a quiet evening is planned with a nice dinner and just us time!

I have one more day of craziness at work, then I have a weekend to recoup and regroup. Things are certainly changing there and it's not always been easy!

Off to the races....

Technically it's 2 1/2 days....but who's counting...

I am, that is who! lol Last night he said that him and his buddies have a celebratory drink after drills, I wasn't happy with this and said you have spent every minute of every day with these guys for two weeks, I understand the whole it's over and male bonding thing, but geez I want to be selfish and have him all to myself, because I know what guys + drinking = out all night and I'm driving them home (all drunk) needless to say I was none to happy about this and made my opinion very clear!!

Yesterday was a horrible day, well maybe not that bad in hindsight, but it seemed that every angry customer, stupid supplier and just ignorant person came out of the woodwork. I smiled, put on my best face and just hoped to get through the day, while I called my gf, made plans to meet up with her last night and detox from all the hassle of the day :) It was a nice night!

So I am off to work, again no formal exercise excep the running around at work yesterday, one day I should wear my pedometer and see how much I really walk, because it's alot!

Rain! that is the weather for today, and wind, makes for a lovely day, so we are day 16 out of 18 with rain this month, tomorrow, finally Sun.....all I hope is for Sun next Fri, Sat and Sun for my girls weekend down at the shore!!

1/2 and 1/2.....

for as rainy and lousy as Saturday turned out to be, Sunday was beautiful. So we did what we always do when we need to get out of the house, we went to the park for a hike!!

So off we went, found this beautiful little cove about 100 - 150' down where we relaxed for a bit during the hike. We were almost at the mouth of the three rivers that meet here, and it was simply gorgeous.

I enjoyed this day immensely and was very glad to get out of the house and get in some fresh air, sunshine and exercise too! My son pointed out to me that we were the only ones who went onto the paths for hiking, there were quite a few people there but not many out for the exercise benefit of it. :(

I am counting down the days, 5 more and he comes home. It is truly a test for me, and my eye is on the prize and can't wait to see him. We have grown so close in this time apart, talking, texting and just missing each other. I have really learned alot about myself. There was a small scare that a request had come in for him to go to Kuwait for six months, but that was something he was able to find out was optional not mandatory. I am glad for that as I am not sure I am ready for six months away from him.

I did manage to get my wash done, some cleaning, but I have quite a bit still to do. I've been cleaning out my house to and getting rid of that which is not being used anymore. The boys have grown out of so much stuff that they just can't get rid of and I'm tired of the clutter. I need to get them both out of the house, so I can really throw things out, because if I do when they are not home, they don't even notice it's gone! lol

Another stormy day on the horizon for today :( I'm really tired of the rain and I'm sure we have caught up from our deficit earlier this year. But we are stuck in this pattern and it seems to be another week of unsettled.

Tired and a busy day today....

We are going to venture out to Separation Day, it's celebrated here in Delaware prior to the 4th of July declaring our independence. There will be vendors, people dressed in all types of civil war clothes and reanactments. It's not the best day out but a nice day for a stroll down by the river!

Then the jazz festival in town (weather permitting)!! I love a good jazz festival and they put on a fabulous free show!

Why am I tired, because my guy and I stayed up all hours of the night talking on the phone, one more week! I finally got to bed at 5am. sheesh I'm beat!! I will sleep good tonight.

Another dear friends mom passed yesterday morning. He was with her and she literally died in his arms, my heart went out to him in his time of grief. Another positive, wonderful women has been taken by cancer (Leukemia) and now he has to pick up the pieces of his life (there is no family left) and start over. He's had not the best life, but is such a positive and wonderful person, please say a prayer for him today and for his mom who is looking down from heaven on him!

So I'm off to the shower, get moving and enjoy this day....trying to keep busy!

Friday and still counting....

I wish it were next Friday, but alas I still a little over a week to go. I did not get much done yesterday, so if I go to the beach, it will be for the day. I have alot to do here at home, but this weather is not cooperating with me. I still am feeling pretty icky with this cold. None stop sneezing and the cough. I hate allergies! They seem to exasperate the whole cold.

Had a great date last night, and I am truly grateful for him working all this out so we can talk/see each other live every other night. And for being such a dear as to move it up (time zone difference) since I have not been feeling well.

Today, back at work. blah I have not been in a working mood, although I am getting quite a bit done at work. I'm glad it's the weekend and I need some down time. Some rest to shake this cold once and for all.

The boy is enjoying his first full week of summer vacation. Unfortunately his gf's step mom is making it very hard on them both to see each other. Some people I just never get, there is nothing wrong with them hanging out, and they are kids the should be able to enjoy themselves. His other friends have pretty much been here non stop, I love the house full of kids, but sometimes too I need a break.

The older boy is missing his gf too! She is overseas visiting her dad, home July 10th, so his eye is on the prize and he has quite a bit longer than me to wait. I have enjoyed his company at home lately though :) He also wants to get back into school full time at U of De. I hope he can figure out a way to do this, but then I will have to buy his car from him. I am glad I didn't go out and buy my own, because then it wouldn't happen, of course his is a nice little car, so I don't mind.

Exercise, I have all but given up on it the past few days, I have had no energy to put forth any effort. Hopefully soon, when I start feeling a wee bit better.

The weekend is here! enjoy

A day of mixed emotions....

today I woke up not feeling so great. In fact my youngest has caught a pretty darn nasty cold and he wants his mom to snuggle with last night so I was feeling a bit achy and tired myself. Off to bed early I went. This a.m. I woke up sinus' draining and the weather crappy. I almost wonder when we will ever see the sun again! Off to work, and still feeling rather down, my guy (bless his soul) totally picked up on that via text (even though I said I was great) lol liar!! He called me, not once, but twice. Talk about a ray of sunshine in my day. I still am feeling a bit under the weather but it was nice to talk with him on the phone instead of just via text! I am totally falling for him, and the distance seems to have brought us closer together instead of further apart!

Next Saturday he comes home. I had weekend plans this weekend coming but we needed to cancel. There was a very good reason indeed, but it leaves me without a thing to do. Of course there is always laundry, cleaning and all that fun stuff. But I was thinking maybe a weekend down at the beach would do me some good right about now. Get my mind off the fact that I will have a whole new week still without him, plus who can resist hanging out with mom for the weekend..lol

So, I have to think about it, see how much I can accomplish tonight, before our "date" and then make my decision. I can always go down later tomorrow night too or early Saturday morning! we'll see how I feel I guess.....

It's raining it's pouring.....

literally, it is coming down so hard right now I can hardly see the car in the drive. Sheesh what a way to start the morning. So I will waste time and blog. Great now thunder too..lol



The days are slowly clicking away awaiting the return of my guy, I can't wait to see him. I know he's busy, doing very well and having a good time, but the time difference between us sucks for late night phone calls to me :( I was so asleep when he finally had some downtime last night to call me.



I did manage to get my lawn cut last night though and that is good as it went far too long without a cut, and with the rain this week it would have been out of control later this week. I also dug into my dining room, cleaning it out and sprucing it up a bit. It's been on my mind for awhile so I guess the energy was there last night and I went for it!



Tonight, I have no idea, thinking a pedicure is in order. I am really trying each night to find things to do to keep my occupied, did you see that? LOL I can't swim because of the storms and the outdoor pool, but I can get my yoga in. Malibu pilates is my newest addiction too. I just love it, never was really much of a pilates girl, but this chair that is involved in the exercises really eases my knee and helps me achieve the workout I want!



Weight is still down, I am keeping it off, and just those few pounds wow do I notice the difference in my clothes. Anytime in my past life, if I had gained a few, I would just give up and throw in the towel and next thing you know I would be way up! I think it still amazes me how different my life is now!



Alright I have procrastinated enough, time to finish getting ready for the day.