Best laid plans turn to mush......

So Thursday night I am getting ready to walk out the door to M's but first have to take ds2 to mom's. He's outside skateboarding, doing all those fancy tricks he sees on tv, videos, whatever...next thing I hear is this blood curdling scream, it literally made my blood run cold. I run out the back door and there he is lying 1/2 on the sidewalk, 1/2 in the street, but the thing that worried me the most was the bone protruding from his ankle. There is no way I can get him up and in the car and of course I didn't want him to realize what had happened, he was just laying there sobbing. So I told him to just stay put, DO NOT MOVE and keep your head down, I need to get something. I ran into the house and called 911 for an ambulance and then M to let him know what is going on. Well, M said call back 911 and cancel that (no need for that bill) and he came over and got ds2 in the truck and off to the hospital we went. After hours of what seemed like waiting, but really it was xrays and whatnot, they decided to stabilize him and get some of the swelling down before they have to go in and put in pins and whatnot...poor baby, now for him the summer is done. He's right now home with me and mom, we headed up to mom's because I can't lift him by myself and my oldest is working all weekend. So yesterday was a chore, it was hard to get him to the bathroom and such.....anyhow long story short, tomorrow we go home, I'm tired, but Mom and T are at the house today, so mom and M decided to get me out of the house. They agreed yesterday and M, me and two friends are headed down the shore for the day. I don't always get along w/my mom but she suprised me this time and for that I am grateful! So, I will be leaving shortly to scoot down to M's and off we go, I hope it's a good day, but at least ds2 is in good hands today and I will get one beach day in. Unfortunately, also this was our weekend at the beach with the gf's and of course I had to cancel that :(

So, I need to find something to wear, and get my hair done and off I go.....

Oh and the sun is out, finally! After a 94 degree day yesterday I would say summer has hit us hard, thank goodness for mom's pool yesterday too, as ds2 and I were able to spend a lot of time outside of course him in the shade but it was better than being cooped up in the house all day watching tv. Poor boy :(

Thursday

The weather has broken and last night was unbelievable. I was out for my walk and well had every intention of coming home and getting the balance ball routine going, but nope. First a great friend who is in a bad relationship called, crying. Second, the stbxh came over to drop off the boy and well he picks a fight. Third, I am thinking the friend is calling me back so I answer, didn't look at the caller id, it's the ex bf, he's in a rage. WTF, is exactly the thought that ran through my head last night. What did I do to deserve this. The stars were not aligned in my world. So needless to say, I was distraught, but tried to not let it get to me, no balance ball, but the walk was done.

Today, it's a new day, starting a new life. Tonight we hang out with friends, good friends, non judgmental ones to hear some good acoustic and well just be us. I can't wait until tonight. So relaxing.

Screeching halt

That's where I think my life has ended this weekend. not a good, not even in the least bit. Yesterday was a mind blowing miserable day, the man and I had alot of long conversations, none of them were good. I came home aftewards and he followed down soon after that, we had a great night, thought things were on the up and up....fast forward to today, nope right back where we started out yesterday, this time he felt the need to leave rather than talk. I just don't get it, if I heard that one more time I was going to blow, literally. I know we all have our good days and bad days but to say you are having a bad day when I woke up happy and content...well let's just say it was said one too many times and well....miserable mood 101 here I come.

I also have to say that I mollified myself with 2 chips a hoy cookies. WTF is that....I know, old demons, emotional eating, all of the above and none of it helped. It's over, he's home, I'm home and I'm miserable. Nothing solved, nothing gained and I feel like alot is lost. I feel empty and lonely and there is still alot of cookies left to soothe this feeling. Need to stay away that is the game plan. Called a friend, no where to be found. I'm rambling and I need to right now, here and now....life sucks today!!

Big brother has shut me down

I usually blog from work, well now that we have uploaded into our new companies web they have blogger blocked!! Ha....hence I haven't been around. I will get on a new schedule....

Things are good, had a great weekend with the man, he was home for two days although he worked Sat night, Sunday was brief and we sent him packing to Miami and 80 degrees while we froze what is left of us off here. It's still cold and damp and well just plain miserable. I always forget why I hate winter so, well there's no forgetting it this week.

Work has installed direct tv in our exercise room, two things will now happen, people will invade the room to watch tv when I work out and well I will try some new things, I found fit tv on there and I like the Shimmy program (learning belly dancing) sounds like lots of fun to me, and there is a yoga show on beforehand. I may just change out my workouts for this...today I simply ran and checked out the programming.

Weight is holding, although I had a few times over the weekend where I was feeling not quite right and not really sure what could have caused that. I have been eating regularly, taking all my vitamins and drinking lots of water so I don't know...if it continues throughout this week a call to the doc will be warranted.

The man comes home Friday, i can't wait to see him, we have a romantic, quiet alone weekend planned (well I do..lol)

My last eye doctor has prescribed contacts that don't work for me, I can't see out of the darned things at a distance. Doesn't bode to well for trying to watch tv and such, hence new doctor, new insurance and appt this Sat. It's the only time I have to get up and leave the house if you know what I mean...lol

So I'm off to finish the laundry, I still have some cleaning I need to get done this week, and well with this miserable cold weather I feel like doing NOTHING!!!

How can I be sick at Christmas

well that's an easy answer, UTI....ew gross, I can't believe I woke up with this yesterday. So off the doctor's and they said the test came back positive instantaneously. UGH, great....so off to the pharmacy to get the drugs and some relief possibly? No, 1-2 hour wait....wth is going on, is everyone that sick at Christmas!!! So I go home and wait the required 2 hours, back to the store and now I have meds. Two doses in and no relief yet but hopefully soon. I am so uncomfortable it's unreal. So now tonight will be another early night in bed and hopefully relief will be in the form of being able to go to the bathroom like a regular person!!

Tonight my gf and I are exchanging our gifts. It's the only night her son is home until sometime next week. One - this is a good thing he'll be gone....two - I wasn't sure when we were going to get to it. Tomorrow we have a christmas party with my honey and then the rest of the weekend we relax, enjoy ourselves. Of course he's off of work till Wed, but not me...I'm in here bright and early Monday morning...GAH!!! It's the worst time of year to work in the liquor business...lol

Sunday is supposed to rain, AGAIN, I didn't realize I lived in the Pacific Northwest, I feel like every weekend we have rain, well yes we have or snow, or sleet for the past um.....5 weekends...so let's just make it an even 6. Can you see the snarkiness and tell I'm sick and tired of rain....I just need to see the sun!! A little...please.

So I'm off to work, or try to pretend I'm working....enjoy

STBXH has jumped over the edge

Last night was the cum laude of the performance he's been giving us all week, he pushed his way in the door while dropping off ds2, he proceeds to berate me and be beligerant, oh the names and things he called me, all the while ds2 is within earshot of this. I asked him three times to leave, he won't so I called. Yep 911, you are so out of here I don't need this from you anymore, well right before the locals came, he was outta there. They took the report and left. I talked to ds2 well not only did he hear what his father said and how he said it but he also had an earful over at his house, my poor little boy, his father is completely flipped his lid in my opinion. He was tearful and very, very sorry for telling his father things, which totally got flipped around and out of control. He saw his father for the first time wearing his true stripes and the way he is towards me last night. Something I never wanted him to see but it's done, the damage is there and we are moving on. DS2 and I had a long, long talk last night, he is a little boy and this is just no necessary but it has happened. So we've turned the point, rounded the bend or whatever you want to say, ds2 has changed his attitude and tune at home, I'm so grateful although the expense on which this has happened is anything but pleasant.

It was a half and half

The beginning of the weekend was wonderful, until it all changed around 11am on Sunday morning. I had a great time Friday night on my date, the rain held off, my hair held on (thank god) and we had a nice dinner. He was such a gentleman and I got to know more about him and he about me. He was sweet and nice and a perfect person. I was on cloud 9 all through Sat. lol It actually felt nice to have someone to talk to and listen and not be judgemental or rude or derogatory. Sat was a great day, ds2 bowled excellent, ds1 won their football game, the weather was beautiful and we all had a great day....Sat night my gf and I hung out, watched a movie and just did girl stuff, which was a nice switch too!!

The doctor said

that the bumps are just the virus running it's course through my body since I have no nose running it's my bodies way of expelling the virus. Don't you love it when you sit there for over two hours and find out what you thought was the answer, but work insisted I go...so I went. Now if I could just get rid of the cough we'd be back in business.....

Today is going smoothly though so I have to take it for what it's worth...that I am happy about.

Come to Jesus mama

Well we had it out and out last night. I'm drained, emotionally and physically today. It was a big struggle to get my weight workout in this a.m. but I preserved and got it done. I'm beyond what type of help in my mind would make this marriage work. Am I throwing in the towel too soon, who the hell knows at this point. But I do know I'm sick and tired, of walking on eggshells around him, because he doesn't feel like talking about it, I'm not in the mood right now, I need a drink, something else to perk me up...I'M FED UP!!!

I told him, I'm tired of this fighting, it's getting us nowhere but in full circle around his and my problems. We never discuss them, we never make amendments, answers all we do is circle each other like boxers in a ring. Last night I tried to use some of the empowerment I get from therapy. I'm an enabler, it stung like a bee. Hurt my pride my most innermost feelings to hear these things, but it's true, the whole bloody mess is me enabling him to act the way he does. I'm trying my hardest to change this and it's causing great strife in the household, but I will prevail. I'm the type who once I'm flawed I do my damned to fix it, change it, grow and become a better person because of it. Where does that leave us? Who knows still but it's progress with a big P!

Work is crazy busy, problems are arising left and right. Of course no fire is too easy or quick to put out. My asst has been driving me crazy. If you don't spell out with fine print everything he needs to do, you might as well do it yourself KWIM!! I'm stressed at home and work and it's taking it's toll on ME!! I want so much to be healthy and I am needing to find ME time to make this happen. I want to be proactive not destructive with this tool that I have received to lose weight. I want to be healthy, happy and deserving of all these things.

On a lighter note, the boys are wrapping up another year at school. My baby will be a senior next year and it brings a tear to my eye remembering when I had him. It all happens so fast and it's so surreal to think about it, it's been up and down, bumpy and smooth along the road but he turned out great, and I do it all for them!!

So now I'm going to write in my journal, my plan. I'm a planner, very strictive to the point of insanity sometimes. I will write out my plan, how I will achieve it and move from there. Who or what stays and goes at this point is up in the air, but I feel change is about to happen. It's not always good, but sometimes necessary for your life to run it's intended course.

Yeah it's Thursday! I should leave it at that. My asst conveniently did not show up for work today after being off for the past three, something about jetlag and airport delays that I did not want to listen to the whining so I abruptly deleted the message and moved about my day. In the past two weeks I've been riding solo for 7 1/2 days out of 10!! Not a bad statistic for the wealthy, but us working folk need to work to get paid. I can imagine the horror when he opens his next bi-monthly check and faints for all the time missed. Nope, he has no vacation nor personal days as he's not even three months here yet!! Pre-11/20 I would have binged and scoffed up anything that came with the stress of working solo during the busiest time of my month, but this time I lost!! yes, I peeked again, 169 here I come!! I'm going to get you....

So tomorrow is the birthday, 43, not a remarkable number either but one worth celebrating with good friends and our band friends TT. I can't wait, and would love to bounce out of here early tomorrow and get a new shirt to wear. My sorry little closet has been wiped clean of all x size clothing and now there are 8 little shirts hanging in it's vast expanse that calls me to shop at all times although I've been resisting. It's amazing the mounds of clothing that has gone to goodwill, people I know and in the trash. No wonder my checkbook was always broke!

I go for my six month checkup in two weeks, I have to note to get to the lab and get that blood drawn beforehand. I expect them to all come back normal, so it would be a suprise if not.

Today I am nursing a sore gum under a cap that is lifting. At least I think it's lifting, all I know is the back of the tooth is not seated firmly against my gum, hence particles get stuck and well it's sore dammit!! I have to wait a week to see the dentist, unless I swell up was the words out of the ladies mouth. I asked swell up? Like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka or I got socked in the mouth?? Exactly what does that entail...of course I'm being cheap and don't want to pay the premium of a emergency call. So I'm on a lot of liquids today and that should help my cause to hit those 160's......

ciao
Me

Fridays and craziness

Ok so today is the end of a crazy week at work, I'm tired and thrilled to death that we are here finally! All the bosses have been out of town all week, I'm busier than normal this week ordering and everyone and their problems crawled out of the wordwork! Needless to say it came to a boiling head this morning with my supposed bff. So I told her I was staying in this weekend but today got an email from a friend that Omnisoul is playing at a local club, what a great band to go see....well I ask her if she wants to go and she says she's broke, too tired, yada yada yada...crap! The other group is going to MD to see another band and I know I can't sway them...double crap!! So then she writes back to me, your other friends can go with you! I ask her WTF does this mean!! I know they say people change but since my surgery I haven't spent any time with her. I keep asking and asking and she keeps pushing me away. I've asked her to go shopping, cup of coffee, hang out at the house...nothing works!! I'm starting to feel that this surgery has impaired our freindship for life, why?? I have no flippin idea but it aggravates the heck out of me to think just because I've lost some weight she doesn't want to hang with me anymore??!!! I've heard it happens but never ever in a million years thought it would happen to me! So I'm disgusted and quite frankly I'm going tonight, with even another friend and I'll chalk it up to her loss and my gain.

Have a wonderful weekend

me

Why is it..........

that when you want to speak with someone in the doctor's office all you ever get is their answering machine. I've been calling my contact for four days now....count em, 1, 2, 3 and 4 and all I ever get is her answering machine or the office is now closed message...I mean c'mon if you leave a message she never returns it but if they need something, you have to drop everything and get on the phone with them.

Now don't get me wrong, I think they are all wonderful and caring people there but man, stress is my middle name trying to get this accomplished. I will call back again on my break and hopefully get a live person instead of the machine!!

On a brighter note, tomorrow is Friday and I'm scheduling myself for a day off I think. I've been tossing this around for a bit now and since I have to be at school at 2:30 I think I'm just going to call out. Ho Hum, I know I'm needed here but I have things to take care of.....

we'll see how I feel tomorrow.

more later
me