Ok, so I skipped a day

Today was the first in 5 that I skipped my yoga and walking. I was exhausted when I got home from work and threw together a healthy dinner and relaxed a bit and said ....NO. So I will get back on track tomorrow. But seriously I don't feel I'm off track, a day off is ok now and again just not too many in row!

So tomorrow I am a serious car buyer, the check is in hand and I'm ready to shop, c'mon to me some great new,used car....god I hope I pick the right one...lol

My sweetie from TX is coming to visit this weekend, he couldn't stand the thought that I couldn't get there till the 9th of April, so he's coming here again!! yeah...I seriously can't wait to see him. I had my date last night, I thought it would be good for me to get out there and date and we had fun, friends kind of fun but it wasn't the same, so I am glad he is coming to visit. I am wondering where this is going to lead me, but right now my focus is on getting a car so.

Of course today is like winter revisited here today, what else isn't new here in DE...but soon we will be all spring and then summer so I am excited....

I ate great, exercised none and well I don't feel that I have jeopardized anything with the way things are going...yeah for me!!!

Back at the grind

Back to work today after being off for a few days being ill. I am finally really starting to feel much better so that is good. I am hoping to keep my exercise factor up since I've been successful all weekend at it. It makes me feel so much better which is such a great thing. I went out last night on my date with J. We had fun, dinner and a drink (ice tea for me!! yeah) and chatted but figured out that we weren't compatible but I have a another new friend.

This morning is chilly, back in the 20's I wish spring would just come and stay....I know soon enough it will be here full time. I can imagine what my desk at work is looking like and I am lollygagging getting ready so I need to get off this computer and get my butt in gear!

What a great day

I did get out and get some pictures along with a nice long walk. It was in the upper 50's and just a gorgeous day here today. I am sharing some of the beautiful flowers starting to bloom, really makes my day to see them out finally after this long, long winter.

The boy was out too, playing basketball, and enjoying the day before he had to go to work. I'm glad I was feeling well enough to get out there....also all the cleaning is done and yoga (day 3) and tonight, I have a date. Yes, a real date, haven't been on one of them in quite a while so I figured it was time again. Meeting J at 6 and well we'll see.....

Sunday morning

It was a great day yesterday, sunny and in the 50's although the wind was a bit much at some points. I got my yoga done, a 45 walk also so that was great. I also got all the cleaning and wash caught up so I felt very accomplished. I also found out my jeep has a blown engine in it :( So that was the only bad news. So now to get those tires off to sell them, and I am waiting for my check to go get something new to me.

Today is going to be warmer, I'm going to try and get out there, I have been wanting to do some pictures for awhile now and the weather is changing and the buds are back on the trees, some flowers starting to bloom, so that is my goal today to become a wanderer and get outside!

Enjoy the day

Starting to feel a bit better....

my friend the car guy is driving down this afternoon. He wants to see my truck firsthand and see if it can be fixed or not. Of course I told him, I'm not spending any more money on it so....then we are going to grab a bite to eat before he goes home. It should be nice, especially able to get out of the house for a change. Other than that the crud is starting to go away, I feel very tired still though so a low key weekend is in store for me..

I'm down for the count

I' ve managed to catch the horrible cold going around at work. It has knocked me on my butt for the last few days and I'm not happy...I can't breathe, having horrible issues sleeping and well I'm just plain old miserable. I am now unable to attend the viewing and funeral today also. boo :(

Anyhow, happy Spring...I'm so glad it's here!

Doing pretty well all things considering......

yeah, the final plans are in the works. I was able to talk with her mom, dad and brother all at some point yesterday. It is still such a waste, 30, never married, no kids and her whole life in front of her. But I always believe there is a reason for everything that happens in life, so I am waiting to see what this tragic event is leading.

Me, I'm doing pretty good, the plans are in place for a lot of things going on in my life, I might have found a car, the trip to TX is still on just pushed back a few weeks :(, and my drinking, has ceased and deceased for a few days now. I had no immediate need to want to go out with the girls from work either yesterday, so I look at that as progress!! yeah me

Eating has been ok, not the best as I think the stress is causing me to not want to eat, or if I do as soon as I start I can't continue. I'm sure as things in my life level out so will this. Also, exercise is back on track. Got a 3+ mile walk in last night too, so I've been feeling stronger in that area of my life. Overall I give myself a thumbs up as work is in progress once again :)

Happy St Patty's day to all

I am spending it hoping that I will have a car by the weekend. I am feeling yuck still, ears are clogged and eyes are starting to feel heavy also :( I don't want to be sick at all!

My gf is maintaining on her own and well I'm feeling like blah.

I'm doing good with things, got to bed early but probably because I felt so sick.

I just don't have alot to say this morning but sure I will later tonight!

A couple of things that get me through some days...

I love to have quotes around, in fact I journal almost everyday offline as well as online...good god I have too much time on my hands. Well I was reading a journal from last year, I have some poems I have written in there (from some dark days) as well as uplifting things that I like to read and make me smile. I want to share a few of these, actually I just want to put them out there for me:

"The question is not whether you love someone enough to die for them, the real question is do you love them enough to truly live."

"Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire."

and one of my favorites I read each morning:

"Life is too short to wake up ith regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

Enjoy, I just did...

I have given this alot of thought.....

and I am taking control of my life back. I have had it with the sleepless nights, lack of exercise and just plain old blaise way I have been feeling lately. I missed 6 phones calls and two text messages last night, why because I was so stressed and overstrung by the day, that I crashed hard and slept right through them. I would have liked to talk to at least two of the callers and I would have responded to the texts, but no I was out like a zombie.

Stability - the word for today on my gf's front....I hate it, I wish improvement were the word they spoke!

I have finished cleaning. I have cooked a healthy late lunch/early dinner. I have done my yoga. The weather sucks so I did not (or at least not yet) get in a walk, I actually wanted to take a nice walk to the Dollar Store, but I guess that will wait for another day.

I hate having no car, I hate having to wait on other's to help me out at their convenience. It's like being locked in a prison, oh and I find out today, no bus service on Sunday's. I know they need a day off, but I was going to venture to the mall...boo :(

So here I am, fighting off a nap because if I nap, I will be up all night. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will get up and exercise and not hit my alarm like 10 times and I will take charge of me and my life an get it back in order!

Sunday and grey again.....

No news yet from the hospital so for right now I am going on everything is well, I will be calling out there soon to see if I can at least chat for 5 min with her and make sure everything is ok. I hate not having wheels right now to go see her...it stinks. I am in the process of selling my tires on my truck (since there are new) and then getting the junkyard to pickup the truck and get it out of here. I refuse to put anymore money into it and it still not running. Anyhow, I want to say hi and thanks for my newfound blogmate, who happens to live right down the road from me. You have a great blog and I need to put some of that great positive affirmation back into my life. I had a great morning browsing through your blog!!! So go visit her.....http://ablogintherough.blogspot.com/ and enjoy...she is a great blogger!

Anyhow, it's Sunday, gray and chilly. I am freezing again today. It's almost 11am and I am dragging get my butt in gear. I have a few more loads of wash, the boy wants to watch a movie and I MUST clean the bathroom, it's ewie!!!

I am leaving the drama of this weekend behind me. I will be calling the lawyer first thing tomorrow morning and see if there is some way we can put and end to this once and for all...I mean c'mon folks, it has been forever and I need some relief!

I am going to try and venture out today for a bit...we'll see how far I can get but I need to start walking, grey weather and all!

I am back from the visit

and now I going to bed. I'm drained, she is definitely not well and all is not good :(

Saturday afternoon is meant to be peaceful.....

until you get the call that one of your good friends, who happens to be stricken with cancer, is dying. Yes, that is the call I got today, so I promptly got myself on a bus to her....good lord, she is a young one, 30.....I hate to see it..I'm devastated to be honest...but it is her reality, everything seems to be failing, all the treatments gone for nought....I'm so sad.....so I leave with you with my tears for my friend and to always remember that no matter how bad it is right now.....you are not dealing with that....

Early in the morning..............

because I can't sleep so I will blog. I am still a bit angry about the subpeona, I was planning my own trip down to TX to see my friend, of course the stupid lawyer fees will dash that unless I can figure out another way to gather the needed money. I'm sure the whole issue of his right now will be thrown out of court, like all previous ones because all he keeps trying to do is suck money out of me (since he still doesn't work as I gather).

So here I am, early on a cold, gray and going to be rainy Saturday morning. I want to work on the boy's room today, it will require a ton of cleaning out. I hope it will keep me occupied. I haven't had a drink either in a few nights, although after the whole thing yesterday it was very tempting!

I am ready for spring, warmer weather, and sunshine. I think the sunshine would be the thing that would really make me the happiest right now. Thank goodness spring is right around the corner for us.

Time for another cup of coffee, I will get my yoga done today and then start on the cleaning. I would love to watch a movie too, hopefully I won't get too sleepy and fall asleep during it...lol

Have you ever felt.................

so alone after surgery. Tonight, actually today it struck me, I have not felt the same way about myself or the way others have reacted to me since the surgery. It was almost surreal.. I guess it was my awakening...I've done the surgery, lost the weight, maintained for a year and now they are accepting me into their society. Ok, first I never wanted acceptance in your society, I always thought I was in there....and two..well yeah I have lost alot of weight but I thought that with that I would be a better person. I am not always getting the feeling that this is a true statement. I am true to myself, first and always. I always speak my mind, which in some instances have been embarrassing. But I just don't always feel like I am truly a part of the society I live in, maybe it's time to start something new or different, or maybe I just need to get to the shrink and work this out with her. I don't know but the feeling of disconnect is simmering under my surface right now.

Ok on a side note the ex....is grumbling, with another court ordered supeona(spellling here??) anyhow I don't know if I'm good or not but it has dashed my hopes (lawyer wise and their large fees) with a trip to Dallas and this all came after I thought I would be good to go....I AM PISSED AT THE EX ok I'm going to stop before this get's too out of hand. But what a way to start my weekend...thanks jerko!

Thursday's musings....

I know that people out there have their thing whether it's a Wednesday meme or whatever but I'm not always like that. Sure I love the meme here and there but what I post is me, raw and uncensored and totally me. It's a take it or leave it kind of blog I guess...I don't blog for the masses or really anyone but me. I have the great followers ( and don't be fooled I love you all bunches) but truly the beginning of this was to be about me and only ME!

I have always been a true blogger about me, the raw honest truth, lately no matter how bad it has been

So we go forth tonight not knowing our following but guessing. loll wel willll have funn.........

And here I thought I was doing so well....

I need to learn to say NO at work to freebies that come in liquid form in a bottle...at least for a little while. I only had two drinks, and promptly blogged, felt guilty and dumped the rest down the sink. GEEZ.....I felt alot better about it, got some ice tea and cleaned some and went to bed. I woke up today feeling better about today, although I still feel like the crud that was passing around at work is hitting me. My ears are full and my sinus feel like they want to burst.

But on the other hand, yes I think I am going away for my birthday, what a grand surprise, I will find out more details this weekend, as S is coming back to DE. He called me last night and surprised me with the itinerary....I am happy, I think it's a turning point on how I feel about R because he called too last night and asked me out for tonight, for a movie, I accepted but I didn't feel my heart was in it, S called and I was over the moon...hmmm see the pattern I am...lol

Ok, I'm late for work and of course they blocked blogger at work, I guess they think I am going to sit there all day and blog, who knows...lol

So for today, I am back on the wagon.........
thinking about what I to do this weekend..............
and hating that winter is back and the weather is colder again................

How would you feel if you knew....

today I fell I fell off the wagon...Absolut Mango given to me at work to experiment...Ok we have been here before ands it's not turned out so great but this with OJ it's the bomb...I"m hooked and off the wagon :( Seriously I'm not happy about this although I'm feeling too good right now.....


I hate this! I need need more control in my life....

Why would someone with so much before her become so.....easy.....

It's Wednesday

I'm tired, feeling gray like that day is today....had some great news today, ok you all cheated all read my former blog...YES I will be spending my 45 birthday in Paris France...GOD to same I am excited is an understatement....but ok I will relax keep calm and OMG no way!!! This is probably one of the biggest things that has happened to me EVER!!! GOOD GOD!!! I am still over the moon....

So more planning and packing and I'm gone to be flying the skies.....what a big year this starting out to be....

How would you feel if you found out..................

that you will be spending your birthday (ok it will be my 45) in Paris, France?????

I have been a good girl...........

Do well with the whole no drinking thing. Of course this weekend is the annual St Patty's Day celebrations. I have volunteered to work hoping it will keep me from imbibing, we'll see how well that does. But overall I've done well, even last weekend, not one glass of wine with dinner, yeah me! I like feeling good in the a.m. too, sometimes those cobwebs are hard to erase..lol

I have to get back into exercise and soon, my body is definitely missing my rollercoaster of up and down with getting the exercise in. I am committing or shall I say recommitting myself today to get it done! With the longer light in the evenings even a walk will be more than I have been doing!

I have to decide if and when I want to go to TX, last night S and I had a little talk about where this may or may not go. We both decided to let it ride it's course for now, but he did tell me he hopes it works out, he is very shy of his feelings since his divorce (his wife cheated and is still with said cheater) and it crushed him so...........he is nervous of driving me away, I told him I couldn't be further away from him, but I do love his company and well we need to take it slow!

Spring break is around the corner and I have to decide if the boy is going to his father's also, because at the end of the day it will be my responsibility to pay for this...jerko!

Also, I have to find a new car, one that preferrably runs at this point...I've found a few nice used ones the but the reports come back BAD!!! so I am still looking!!

That is it for me in my life right now, short and sweet!

Mondays

A time of renewal. I used to hate Mondays, but not really so much anymore, it's back to work (thankful that I have a job) and it's about starting over. I like that, it has a ring to it that is good for me.

I was exhausted yesterday, got the cleaning done, but not the shopping :( I just couldn't keep these eyes of mine open! lol Of course the changing of the time didn't help either with losing an hour of sleep.

Today, work, work, work....tonight, shopping. I want to be caught up, and time to start looking for good airfares.

I want to get back into a walking regimine too, now that the sun will be setting later and the temps are moderating, it's time to get back to the basics in that aspect....I love to walk, thank goodness...lol Yoga is still my favorite, but I need to add that cardio back in my routine.

I can't wait to see the buds on the trees and the little flowers peek their heads from the earth, I love spring and the renewal it brings with it too, a time to start over......

Sounds like the direction my life is taking right now, 2009 is turning into a new type of year for me.......

What is going to Philadelphia without a cheesesteak......

Ok....I'm a little rested from my whirlwind weekend. We had so much fun, I love spending time with S he is the best,by far....so we did the whole historical from the previous pics, we saw the Art Museum, Franklin Institute, I took him to the center of the city where when you look E,S,N, or W you see a straight street out in front of you. Philadelphia is steeped in education and history, it's amazing that I live in such a history rich area, but I do...lol Then after all our education I too him to Geno's Cheesesteaks....ok for no one who has been to Philly this is the bomb, he scoffed about the 45 min wait in line for a cheesesteak, but yes they are worth it...something about South Philly cheesesteaks that send the people crazy and yes they are good and worth the wait. He enjoyed as did I...of course I enjoyed my seafood dinner later that evening much, much more but to show him the area I live in and the culture here,it's so different than TX as I saw on my trip there...of course now I am planning my own trip back down there...I'm thinking during spring break. I hope my mom will take the boy a few extra days so I can spend a little more time with S, we really hit it off and had a great time, he's already texting me and I am so happy. Maybe this long distance will work, maybe not......

On another note, for those who remember the old neighbor up here, well I text him today to see what is up, I still feel that we are not on the same page, so we all know what that means...WE aren't!!! I've been through this enough in the past year to recognize it, but I hold on to the fact that he is here and S is not, is that wrong, or right...I don't know, but what I do know from the few men I've dated they would do the same thing...sorry I don't mean to stereo type men but that is what I've been through.........so me and my smile are going to get my house cleaned up.....

I am happy, weight is down, smiles are up and life is good once again!!!

The best

Weekend I've had since my trip...we had a fabulous time....spent the day in Philly yesterday and had a fabulous seafood dinner at a local eatery last night...All in all it was perfect!

I am on my way....

I am leaving in 10 min...for a weekend of fun and bliss.......

catch you all on the flip side!

Another long day..........

at work. My co-worker still out sick and she is bad. The fired co-worker gave us all a start today wondering if she might show up and do something dumb. Never happened but she was calling alot and saying all types of delusion things. Work - busy. Me - exhausted. I am not having a drink again tonight, so I'm putting it out there. Tomorrow, he shows up, 24 hours and I will be out on a dinner date...

I need to sleep and be well rested for the weekend!

If I am not around, I will update you all on Monday!!

Thursdays and it's getting closer to the weekend

I have one day and my friend comes. To say I'm excited would be an understatement. Everyone at the house is settled into where they will be this weekend and I won't be seeing my kids until Monday they are so busy!!!

Work is crazy busy, my coworker is out sick so that adds to my load, but it's all good. Yesterday they let one person go, it was shocking because first they sent her home for the day and at the end of the day, she was fired! WOW

I exercised last night, first time in a while, and I don't know why I don't more because it makes me feel good. I need to make this my addiction :)

Eating has been great it seems to be the one thing I'm good at controling these days, of course it was the one thing I never had control of before my surgery, it's strange how these things in life change. I also had no drinks for two days now...so in my eyes that is a celebration. Each day is it's own and I'm handling them this way. I figure if I don't bring it home then I'm good.....because it's always too cold to go out after I settle in..lol

But I am going off in tangents tonight....

we have a fun fulled weekend packed with adventure and the adventure in my mind is will we connect. My son has consumed himself with something short of a miraculous weekend that would have left me lonely..

So there is a dilemna....isn't there always!!!

The old neighbor, R as I like to refer to him....he has been a saint but a little bit disconnnected along the way. So I dont' feel so bad about the guy from the cruise, because truth be told he has a dating website page that he told me about that he checks too frequently for my liking...but anyhow.....so I am going to see where my mysterious cruise mate rates....is that wrong to list him that way, who cares and who knows anyhow.....I am hoping for a lot and I am thinking from a few short text we will be good.......

well we will see....I am excited...fighting a demon and all a the same time...


p.s. I don't want you all to think I have kicked this drinking thing....I haven't it's bad a I know and it serious but I haven't kicked it yet I'm working on it but daily there is a reason not to and of course there a million reasons that I should....talk to me people...all of you out there no matter if you have never talked to me before.....please all comments are considered to be good!

Weekend

I am very excited for Friday, and am not sure what will happen this weekend, but the talk I had last night is he wants to see if there is something there worth pursuing off the boat. I am happy he's coming as we had such a great time on board. Of course that thought crossed my mind to, will the chemistry be there off the boat, the vacation and the magic that one brings to people's lives. So we had a little talk about it, and we are both adults and are going to pursue this and see if there is anything there.

At least the weather is moderating a bit too, darn it's been cold with windchills below zero here...brrrr

So I have three more days and then we see......

stay tuned, I know I will be..lol

Ok the grim reality of me for the last six months

and no it's not pretty, and it's not smart and it's not a WLS person's way of life, but it has been my reality and I'm ready (finally) to share....



Ok, for those who watch Oprah or whatever talk show gives the vice for WLS that has been me, I have succumbed to this bizzare reality and no I was in total denial doing so....here is my bad story.....



I have thought about this alot, during the last few months...ok it's been like 5...I work in an industry that is prone to drinking.....for those of you who don't know, drink is reality available...it's really bad.. anyhow. I have gotten in the rut of drinking things (concotions) I should not.....so the long story short yes I have replaced the eating addiction a new addiction to drinking. It started out as a harmless drink now and again, then it escalated into a few times a week, then the stress built and I noticed I would have at least 2 drinks per night, then a few more and so the rollercoaster ride began. Once I realized how much I was drinking on a daily basis I totally stepped back, it wasn't pretty, it was good and it's over (hopefully) for good. I do now and again indulge in one drink, and one is the limit. It's not everyday, it's not more than once a week and I make sure I think before I put that addiction into my mouth. So yes, I too have traded one addiction for another, now to be more conscious about everything, liquid or solid that goes into my body. It's a hard road and gives me a new respect for why it happens, not that I am condoning it, because I am certainly not, but it has been my reality.

Another snow day for the kids

Day 2 and they have a snow day, I was out last night pretty late and the roads seemed fine to me...but they know better.

We have gotten the largest supplier kicked off and back in our house last night, it has been an intense couple of weeks for me, working late and getting my part of it ready, now the real work begins!! I am excited and happy they are there and the forward motion of this line is going to be a perfect fit for us, great vision.

I am counting down the days till my friend gets here, yes I am that excited. After thinking about it some, we really did click and it's a shame we don't life in the same city, I think something could come of it if we did, with this distance, well who knows.....but I am going to enjoy it while I can.

Eating has been ok, Sat, was a bust as I was feeling like crap and Sunday I ate like a fat girl and paid for it Sunday night...yesterday back on track, no exercise at all which is bad and lots of standing last night makes for some achy legs today :( so I will take my whine and call it a blog

for now!

Sunday

and I woke up to a coating of snow...it was pretty but then when I turned on the TV well they said we are in for a winter storm tonight, 6-14" of course I'm in the middle of this range so I'm thinking 10" for us...ick!

Yesterday was a bust, I spent most of the day on the couch, napping and still got a full night of sleep, it was good. I feel a bit better today and have lots to do to get caught up on wash and cleaning. Of course tomorrow we have our big kickoff so I need to find something appropriate to wear! and it be versatile in the snow too! lol

My friend Susy wrote a blog last week about transfer addictions. This is something that comes up time and time again with WLS patients. Myself included has succumbed to this due to the fact that food is not our comfort in times of stress...I am not quite ready to put it all out there, but it's been on my mind, and to read her blog, well it has me thinking. I am getting closer, it's a tough love, to lose the food...almost like an alcholic or drug addict getting some help. It's a hard road and the decisions we chose are not always the healthiest for us! So not to be hiding behind the curtains (but I am for right now) I'm just going to have to think how I want to get this out there!

Been MIA

The darn internet was down here, who the heck knows why but I'm back...of course I have the ick that everyone else has been dealing with so most of the day has been spent on the couch.....

I miss this::

and of course the great guy who I spent alot of my vacation with, but the good news, he's flying up to see me next weekend...yeah!!! Now back to my regularly scheduled program today, the couch!!

Ciao

Getting back to routines

Is hum drum and boring I am finding. I am anxiously awaiting the start of spring, I am done with the cold, gray weather. This winter hasn't shown us tons of snow, sleet or ice, but it's been gray and that in itself does not go well for me. I miss the sun and well after a whole week of sun and warmer weather I guess it's hitting me harder than I thought it would. I love that at 6pm it's still light out, that is beautiful, sun in the morning and at night. In a few short months it will be warmer but until then we are stuck in wind chills and gray days.

I have gotten in some yoga, it really does help soothe me and gives me a bit of a pause and renergizes my day. I did it every morning on the ship and well I came home and stopped! Why would I do that when it is such a refreshing piece of my day? Who knows....but I'm back and well I feel good this a.m.

The boys are good, I hardly ever talk about them anymore but there really isn't much to say, they are plugging away in life. Last night my youngest said he likes R and is very happy I have met him. I'm happy he feels this way as he is my toughest critic...lol

Well off to find some coffee and makeup and get this day rolling!

First full day back at work

Spent the weekend with my guy, I probably neglected that this a.m. as I was VERY sleepy. Saturday he came and tried to get the darn truck working, about 350 bucks later and it still sits out front, dead! But the plus side is I got to spend the time with him, he took my son to the game store to buy a game, they had a ball from what I heard. Then we dropped him off at a friends as he made plans to spend the night, off to his house for a little adult time. lol I love spending time with him, he is very good to me and makes me smile and laugh....of course I've been here before but we'll see....



And yes I did spend the night with him, at last. He claims he spent alot of the night watching me sleep. How sweet, he lent me his truck on Sunday while he was in a tournament so I could errands done, it's really good right now....



First full day of the first full week of work, long day, need I say more.....it's cold, I hate it and I miss the warmer weather I teased myself with.....of course my friend in Tx still wants to come up, I'm confused, who wouldn't be...I just wonder where I should go and what I should do, but time will figure it out, until he really comes up with a plan I'm just winging it, I told him about the guy up here and it didn't seem to deter him so.



My boring old plain life is nothing of the sort, or so it seems.....so maybe stealing a little from my blogger friend Sharon, maybe my blog should be called My So Called Life, because it's a daily occurance that it changes....hmmm anyhow I like the mediocre, humdrum but seem to live a more exciting life, as my coworkers live vicariously through me or so they say......

I guess if I were them I would to. Who knows, tomorrow, I wake and we start it all over again....and see what happens.

And for those who care or what to know....today's weight - 136lb....so yes I have gained two pounds this weekend! ha

Full week

I have a full week of work this week. I have to figure out how to get my truck to the shop without costing me an arm and a leg as it is still not running and it's the last week of Feb which means spring should (and I say this loosely) should be right around the corner.

Vacations are fun, but I'm beat from trying to catch up here at home. I did however take lots of time out for fun this weekend, so things that aren't done are no one's fault but my own..lol

Saw the old neighbor, R this weekend, it was nice and we had a blast. He lent me his car yesterday so I could get lots of errands done while he was busy. That was very nice and sweet of him and he doesn't realize how much I appreciate it.

So back to the grind, work is exciting this week in anticipation of the changes that are coming, for me it's all good stuff.....

End of the weekend

So it wasn't so sunny and warm here...but it's good, I'm home, things are returning to normal, or whatever I consider normal at this point. My friend from TX has called a few times this weekend, it was nice to talk with him and yes I'm really wondering where all of this is leading to at this point. I saw my other guy, the old neighbor too, it was great seeing him, but there was something, that little bit of something that makes me wonder if he is right. I don't know, it seems all the more confusing right now more than anything else. Don't get me wrong I enjoy time with the old neighbor, but the BUT is there, so if I listen to that that usally means it's a no go...of course TX is so far away but a huge distraction in my life right now... To say I'm confused is an understatement...so with all this blunder and confusion I wish you all a good night. I just don't understand why I dont' have the cut and dry life as everyone else......

I will wonder................

WOW

again today I'm posting. Ok deep breath and here I go......

So I ended up hanging out with this guy from TX on the trip. My gf totally dissed me and his friend did the same, so we ended up together, was it fate or just luck of the draw because of the circumstances. Who knows, who really cares, I mean seriously. So anyhow, we've kept in touch, exchanged pictures and a few emails. Well today he told me he wants to visit me here in DE. All the way from TX... how do I feel. I have no friggin clue!! I mean we had a great time together, but it was vacation, I never thought in a million years anything would ever come of it, or that he would really ever want to see me again. So a few weeks from now, he will be landing in Philly...yikes. Do I really feel that way, well honestly deep down, I'm happy. I had a good time hanging with him and the others and we were together alot, even alone. So I guess I'm happy but.....still TX vs DE wow....lots to think about here........

Just another chapter in my crazy life, called me!!!

Detox

Ok, so day 3 home and I'm detoxing big time. The vacation, as you all have read or saw was a success, a wonderful time, but man I guess I drank big time!! It's amazing that my weight even stayed the same. One week ago right now, I was sitting on the deck, watching the sun go down, as I did every night. Getting ready for our late dinner and having a wonderful time wearing shorts and a short sleeve shirt! Ok, reality, it's 20, wind chill some god awful 10 or something like that....ho hum, I'm home.

I have heard from my friend on board, the guy from TX, he was such a sweetie on the trip, it's so nice to meet someone who wasn't just out for a good time (if you know what I mean) anyhow he wants to come and visit me, here in DE...WOW is all I can say and I'm really excited about this, we had such a great time together and we'll get to do it up here soon. Tomorrow I have a date with my old neighbor, yes I think I have talked about him. Talk about living the life of a 20 something..lol We are going to see my favorite bassist in his new band tomorrow night and I am very EXCITED for this as I haven't been able to see him in a long time due to the people he was previously associated with!! So a big weekend for me. Somewhere in there I need to catch up on the wash, cleaning and at some point go grocery shopping too! lol I guess my priorities have shifted terribly in the last year.

Speaking of the last year, I had my horoscope read to me by a co-worker today, it basically stated that in the past year so many things have changed and all for the good, this year, 2009 will hold new and exciting things and well so far it has. So how suprised I was to read that!

So it's Friday night, back in the cold, but spring is right around the corner, back to the normal life but I am planning another adventure for this summer!! More to come in the future on that when the plans are firmed up....life is a challenge but such a fun one for me right now!!

The trip

I have no idea where to even begin, so I'm just going to say I had a wonderful time, met an amazing group of people on the boat and will never forget this trip, ever. I got to see this view every morning....

and this one every night....it was so peaceful and such a far reach from the hustle and bustle of my normal, everyday life. I felt so calm and energized on this ride....

This is a view, 146 steps up from the most southern point in Cozumel atop the lighthouse. The scenery no matter which way your turned took your breathe away. Here are a few more...

Everyday was sunny and warm, the skinny girl who hid behind a sea of cloth for years, broke out this year and wore a swimsuit, not just any swimsuit, but a tankini (it's no bikini) but in my book close enough, I wore my formal dress the one with the black lace, I had so many offers of dances that night it took my breathe away. I laughed, swam, climbed, swam some more, had a few drinks, well maybe more than just a few, I danced and danced the nights away and enjoyed myself as I haven't in years. I felt all the tension and pressures slip away. The thing I think though that I brought home with me is the fact that I can go away on a vacation full of buffet foods and come home the same weight I left at. It simply amazed me because before I would have easily gained 10lb. I made great choices while eating, exercised with the yoga instructor every morning atop the ship at sunrise and had fun...

I am home now two full days and am still smiling!!!

I'm home

It's cold, rainy and I have tons of wash, pics and things to share......

It was the best vacation ever!!! Oh and I gained nothing! actually lost 1 lb...

I will be back soon with all to share...

Just a quick tidbit, the dress for formal night was a hit....A BIG ONE at that....I had quite a few dance proposals that night!!

Back later with more.....

the last hurrah

So this is the last blog you will see from me for like over a week. I'm almost packed and ready to go.. I'm so excited......life as I know it will change with this trip. More than anyone can fathom, even me. I am going to have fun, enjoy, drink, eat and be merry...



Now that is no way for a WLS patient to act!!!!!!!

LOL

Have fun I will miss you all hopefully catch up soon

P.S. leaving you all here ....today's weight 134

I'm running out of time

but we are both almost ready. A few more loads of laundry to get done and some meals to prepare for the oldest while he's home....

I'm ready and the next two days will be the longest ....lol

WLS tv

Ok the new widget...is it cool or not...jury out, but I'm for anything to do with this.....I'm a survivor, someone who tries each and everyday to make the tool work to the highest efficiency that I was given...sure I have my moments the nice glass of wine or the oh so bad for you snack...but overall 2+ years out and I'm at goal and then some and maintaining just beautifully...if only everyone got that ....sigh

so what do you all think of WLS tv....would you be a guest???

At the request....

Of Miss Janine down under..a little catchup post so you don't have to sift through mountains of blog entries along the way....

I started my WLS pursuit way back in 03...but was sidelined by having to get a partial knee...current weight at that time was around 260.....

Fast forward, 03 got the partial knee post op of that I ballooned up to almost 295.....yikes...I was scared but needed the full year of therapy to fully recover properly from this surgery. So now into 04...I'm sick, alot....High blood pressure, reflux out of this world, pre-diabetic. I am sitting between 280 and 290 at any given day. Have a hard time walking up and down stairs...yikes!!! It winds me just to go up once. I am really starting to hate my life and how it's become but I am not doing anything about it. 06 I finally cave that summer, call the doc again and get my pre-op appt...that day in August I walk into his office the scale registered 275, ok, that is after a full year of Weight Watchers, and my own creative or not so creative diets...I'm sad, depressed and feeling overall that I have lost total control of my life. The doc and I sit down and discuss the options. Of course intially I go in with the feeling I want a lap band...I'm scared and although I have done years and years of research I'm still not 100%...we talked in depth about all of the options....and after our talk I went home and called the next day and decided RNY was for me. The best solution for my obesity and the one I would be the most comfortable working with long term. So we schedule the millions of appointments...he says no more than 10 lb weight gain or the whole deal is off.....That to me was the most intense. I made an appt with my private practice doc also...I have been with him forever and needed and wanted his approval....it was more important long term than the faith and love from my family because he would be the one I turn to for issues and help me through this in the long term!! My wait period was a whirlwind (not so much anymore though from the things insurance require) so from my first meeting in August 06 and the appt, I had my surgery scheduled for the morning of November 20, 2006. The day of my rebirth....from there it has been a whirlwind. We had our thanksgiving as a family early that year as it fell after surgery and I would be totally liquid or soft foods at that point. I went in that Monday morning at a hefty weight of 269lb.......it was so embarrasing to me.....here I was wearing 22/24 and they were tight, I was stretched to the limit to stay in this size at this point...I stand at 65" or 5'5"....I always thought I was larged boned but that would soon change after the weight started melting off.

As with anything, since I'm so OCD and ADD, this was something I was going to succeed with and not fail...I follow the docs orders to a T.....I dropped 40 lb in the first month!! WOW what an incentive....

Fast forward and all the drudge taken out....today 2/7/09, I am 26 months post op....I weighed 132...that is my all time low (I am not good here too thin) my previous all time low was 135, my favorite weight is around 140-145, that is a good weight for my body frame. I have had no plastics and not sure I will, although I would love a boob job!! lol I am healthy, happy and stick to the program everyday...I'm so happy that I have been given a second chance at life and although I moan and cry on here from time to time...I am enjoying myself more than I have in the past 40 some years of my life...

Not quite the readers digest short version...but it's me, it's raw and it's just the way it is.....

Saturday

Yeah I'm so glad, last night bed early...I was wiped. Work is changing dramatically right now and this week was a mental challenge...I did manage to get a groove going by Friday, so I've been able to overcome this challenge and make some progress.

Weight is down, way down this a.m. Am I happy, of course, should I be, absolutely not!! This a.m. I decided to weigh, haven't in a while but I know that I handle stress totally opposite pre-WLS...so drum roll.....132 this a.m. Too low, I've lost about 8 lb this week...eek...I'm sure the cruise will help put some back on. I knew I had lost as the skirt I wore yesterday kept slipping..lol

This afternoon, I have another date...yeah...So this is 4 dates in two weeks and he was the one who said he wasn't seeing me until I got home from my trip..hee hee We have been having alot of fun, laughing and doing things together. It's been very good for my soul.

On other news, winter is 1/2 over. For those who live on the east coast of USA, it's been a brutal one at best, cold, snow, wet, gray...I for one will be happy to see spring...

So I'm off to get something done, not sure what that something will be but I am feeling the need to be productive...

More crap you wouldn't want to know...lol

The rules are simple - list 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep! Then tag 7 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap Award

Ok Janine - you've gotten me......

10 honest things about me:

1. I am afraid of being fat again, I have this recurring nightmare that when I wake up I weigh 300 lb again...it frightens me and I don't know why.

2. I am still struggling horribly with self esteem issues. It seems that every time I think I have it all under control, bam something hits and there I go to pieces.

3. I never thought 5 years ago, that I would become healthy, thinner and divorced!!

4. I have an irrational fright of snakes. Even to watch them on tv.....eek

5. I am a hopeful romantic. I love to be with people, especially those who make me laugh! I love optimistic people...and being around those who enjoy life and have fun....

6. I am hopeful that the next 1/2 of my life will be a totally different than the first 1/2, I hope it is filled with me doing things being involved, instead of watching from the sidelines....I have been given a second chance to make it happen and I'm not wasting time now...

7. I am the oldest of four children, all of whom are overweight. It's a deadly disease that is in my family and I am the only one who has done anything about it!

8. I am ADD and have OCD, what a combination....I have learned to live with both, but geez sometimes I even drive myself crazy with how anal I am about things...

9. I am happy in my life for one year now, I can't recall a time when I have been in more control and just doing what I want. I love the person I've become....

10. I love to cook....I can make almost anything from scratch and I cook every night for my kids. of course now they are growing up and moving on in some ways, but we always have dinner every night together, homemade!! YUM.....

So I tag 7 now....

Well I am going to leave that up to those who read....please share with us as I have!!

And the list keeps growing and growing....

http://www.fda.gov/oc/opacom/hottopics/salmonellatyph.html#products

Evidently this Peanut recall is alot more intensive than originally thought. 2 years now...WOW is all I can say, my kids live for peanut butter sandwiches, it is a part of their daily routine like brushing their teeth, at least one per kid per day...I might need to start rethinking this!!

10 days

The good lord is testing my ability to hold it together right about now, 10 days and another winter storm on our horizon. I had a dream last night that my flight was cancelled leaving to go because of ice!! GAH....If I don't have a nervous breakdown before I get there well then there will be alot of celebrating once I am there!! lol

I am ready to go, I had my date Saturday night, it was wonderful. How is it I always manage to meet a man, someone whom I want to spend time with when I'm on my way out the door or busy doing something else with my life. That is where we are. He is wonderful. Plain and simple. I laughed so much and had the best time it's scary. Really. I've probably said that before, I could probably go back in this blog, in the archives and find this exact statement about a few men I dated last year, but truly no one compares. This is not a rebellion of divorce, the other man, the one I thought would be right, or the hot one. This is a guy, someone whom I already knew. Someone who I reconnnected with accidently but on purpose I think. Someone who I enjoy spending hours with and when he leaves I can't wait to see him again. Someone who brought me flowers on our second date and they happen to be my favorite flower. Someone who listens to me, helps me and wants to be with me. Someone who I care about. Sure it's weird, he was my old neighbor but that was a lifetime ago to me. The trouble that was my marriage was already established. We had both made sure we kept our distance, although neither of us knew the other was doing that, we were attracted but I was married and he wasn't. There was the vow I made the reality that I was married and I wasn't cheating. I still can't believe neither of us picked up on the fact that we were BOTH attracted to one another it was not a one sided thing. strange..

Anyhow, that is not what this is about...this is about me, right now. I have "dieted" although I hate that word very well the last week, turned all those bad carbs I had been consuming into a thing of my past. I have lost a few pounds, toned up, doing my yoga, feel the peace..lol I am grounded, although frantic about having us both ready to leave next Wednesday morning early in the morning....I am crazy with the realization that I am sailing soon and it can't be soon enough!!

Oh and the kicker I speak at the WLS support group the night before, like I am going to have time to fit that in?? Well it will all work out, I will stop stressing and just go with it, that is what it's all about right...going with the flow called life????

I Can't believe it's almost 50

degrees outside and I don't want to move off my couch. I've watched a few movies while doing some wash today. I need to kick my butt in gear and seriously get out there today and enjoy because these days are far and few between. Tomorrow they say 45 and rain and then Tuesday, 30 and snow again. Grrr Of course we flipped the calendar to February, so the countdown is officially on. 11days and I'll be sunning and funning. God I can't wait.

I had my date last night, he came over and we had dinner and watched a movie, ok we ate dinner had great conversation a wonderful bottle of wine and well we attempted to watch the movie but ended up talking through most of it, so I was so lost when we did watch. We then attempted to watch another movie, which I promptly fell asleep during, what a wonderful date I am, huh. I prewarned him, he was sitting and I was snuggled up with him on the couch, it was nice and warm and well off to la la land I went!! I woke up right at the end of the movie, we talked a bit more and off he went for home!

I was up at the crack of dawn today, but cannot get motivated. I wish there were a magic pill for these days so I could just take it and go, but I've been tired and well I'm feeling it today. The cleaning and wash are getting done so all is good :)

I haven't weighed in a while, I know I'm down my jeans slid right on yesterday that was a plus because even they were getting a big snug...I love these one pair of jeans I own, they are my weight gauge when I don't feel like actually reading the scale!

Ok, I'm off hopefully to do something productive! outside get some Vit D or whatever...Happy Super Bowl Sunday!

Oh yeah baby....

It's the weekend. Been a very productive and busy week, but I am certainly glad it's the weekend. I am babysitting my gf's puppy, such a little sweetheart she is and I'm glad to have her around this weekend, it will be fun. I have to finish my cleaning tonight, tomorrow the boy is going to his friends to spend the night and my old neighbor is coming over for dinner and a movie. I can't wait, I am truly excited about this but deep down I still have mixed feelings about trying to get into another relationship so soon. I will just let this happen and see what happens. I am glad though we have reconnected and get to spend some more time together.



It's going to be a cold one again too, but warming up a little for Super Bowl Sunday. You never know what is going to happen during that game. I see the ad's being yanked the raciness of the sponsorship, but it will be what it is, sex sells. Look at Gillian Barbieri, if she isn't the sexiest weatherperson to let us all know how the weather at each game is going to be each weekend I don't know who is. Now do you really think they put her out there in her tight fitting outfits to appeal to the mass of women who watch?? Hell no...lol I am though looking forward to the new ad's that will be put out during the game. It's almost an entity within itself.

Food and exercise are going well, I have been diligent with the less carbs or should I say good carbs only....and lots of water throughout my day. It's paying off, again the scale isn't moving but the pants are a bit looser and the pudge isn't feeling so bad these days!! lol

Thank you

Yes I like the black lacy dress too...in fact after looking at the pictures I found it to be very flattering and the other, well not so much :)

I am less than two weeks to leave!! yeah!!! With this freezing rain and icy conditions of yesterday I am so ready for some sun and warm....

I did manage to get to the grocery and stock up on fruits and veggies and some good whole grains. I have been out for a day and boy does it matter. Thank goodness our local convenience store carries all that for a quick stop and fill up yesterday just to get through the day.

So I said a few blogs back that I have been talking with my old neighbor. Strange to me how things work out in life sometimes. Well anyhow, he is coming over for dinner and a movie Sat. night. We've been talking almost everyday, it's weird how this happens in life but it's been nice. I am looking forward to spending some time with him. Sunday is Super Bowl, I am really looking forward to this, but alas I will go into football withdraw when it's over. Sad, I know, probably remind you of some husbads or boyfriends out there I'm sure, but it's my thing. The next time any serious football, the draft. I'm truly a fan..lol

Other than that just laying low and ready for the vacation. My son is excited to as he will be going away to but in a different direction on a school trip...

ok I need you opinion...all of you!!!

As you know those who read I am going on a cruise, we have one formal night and I have two dresses to pick from so.....

dress 1





dress 2





ok so here they are, please please help me decide I like them both but only one night!!!

OH and my date group

I was reading a blog of a fellow WLS buddy who had her surgery the same month I did. She posted this a bit ago so I'm a little late but wanted to bring some interesting facts to light that I agree with 100%. She has lost and done a tremendous job of losing and maintaining, but she said year two was filled with an eye opening experience when the scale showed her a 25 lb weight gain. Yes folks, it can happen. Year one is 80% tool, 20% user, year two is more like a 50-50 split since your body is now becoming accustomed to this new way of life, year three is a 20% tool, 80% user and this is not to say that you can't be 100% in control, but it is a whole thing about change of life and eating habits. If you are the one who picks up crackers or a handful of chips every time you walk through the kitchen and at the end of the month show a 5lb gain and you wonder why, maybe it's time to go back to the basics and start journaling. I attend support group on a regular basis. It's more like a bitch group to me on some months, because these people who are smart, intelligent and funny have no clue that mindless munching of the wrong thing is going to lead to weight gain. I'm talking about full out grazing and that is what they are doing. Geez people have you not listened to anything, anyone has to say on this subject. It has to change PERMANENTLY!! I am no saint, I still munch and I drink....I'm not going to tell you what is right or wrong, but as soon as I am feeling a bit slouchy or thick in the middle, well the basics come out and I cut back on the indulgences and ramp up the water and protein and veggies. I mean c'mon have you learned nothing on your journey! I find sometimes people are so inept when it comes to what is right and wrong. This is not going to happen without your input people....so when I get asked, how do you stay so thin, what is your secret...HELLO there is no secret, I follow the guidelines, I eat healthy, I exercise, drink my water, take my vitamins and the rest just happens.....

I guess my ambivalence for this type of person is a little short on the tooth today so to speak, I received a call from yet another person, who is struggling. I mean two years out and they have only lost 50 or 60 lb. There is a good 100+ still to lose, so when I look at the phone like you've grown the third eye look back at me and say I know, I'm not following the program, because we all know if you were the weight loss would be greater. This particular person is a doll, but not structured in life, can eat at least double than I can at a single sitting and the choices...welll let's just say nothing at all like I eat. Fries, cheeseburgers laiden with goo, fatty meats, lots of potatoes, carb heaven. I suggested a fish or chicken dish, oh no I don't care for that type of food....I was asked to dinner tonight, which I politely declined because I know the conversation would go there....and with my current mood, there would include a few quesitonable remarks from me.

So folks, it is a tool, it's proven, it's not a fix all, or a fast fix. You have to do your part for it to work properly long term....in other words think long and hard about what you want, long term....because this is FOREVER...and I am not writing this to make anyone mad or pissed at me, just letting it out...

Sunday, Sunday

Yes I'm feeling a little more energetic today, yesterday....basically turned into a bust. Movies all day while laying on the couch. I did talk again to my old neighbor via email....he sent me a few recent pics and yes he's still very cute!! I am looking forward to catching up with him really soon! So now I have a ton of cleaning and wash to do today! Lucky me...and well I just don't want to but it is an evil necessity.

The cruise is coming, 17 days and counting, but sheesh who is counting! ME!!! That is who..lol I did manage to get some of my things out and well the choices are growing but the suitcase is only so big....so...I have to narrow it down a little bit. I have 4 swimsuits to chose from now, I bought two keepers and gf gave me two more brand new ones. I am very excited and this has been a long time in the making.

So I'm off to clean, wash and whatever else it is today I need to get done....

Saturdays are made for sleeping

And boy did I sleep in...12:30 in the afternoon and I finally dragged my lazy butt out of bed. Obviously I needed it more than I realized. I had a great time with my girlfriend last night, she had this stuff called Carolina Sweet Tea, it's southern style ice with vodka in it. Now let me preface this by saying I am not a big vodka girl....but this stuff was the bomb and you don't even taste it. Of course not that is why I ended up crashed out on her sofa....lol Woke up early this a.m. and took the youngest to his bowling and came back home and crashed back in the bed...and here I am voila!

I scored some really great clothes and the formal dress is just beautiful, she said I was stunning even with ratty hair and no makeup when I tried it on, he husband just sat there with open mouth, so I guess I was lookng pretty darn hot! lol I got some great casual dresses too....so I'm ready got to wash them and start getting things together!

I am tired today and all I want to do is go back and laze in bed....oh the old neighbor who I have been talking with is in pursuit as my gf calls it, he is emailing me and it's nice we talk and talk seem to have alot in common but I'm still hesitant to start anything at all, I just got out of a really questionable relationship and want the me time. Sometimes I feel like i will lose him if I don't grab the opportunity but I know this isn't so. I told him be patient and that I really wasn't looking for arelationship right when he came along,he said no problem...we'll see how long that lasts..lol To say I'm not physically attracted to him would be a big lie so we'll see....as always things happen to me when I don't want them to.

Off to figure out some things here I need to be semi productive today i thnk!

Day three and another

Success...I have been able to hold it together. Today was far easier than the last two that is for sure. I have eaten properly, exercised but now I am getting ready to go out with my girlfriend and wow we will be having a few cocktails..lol I will try to keep it manageable..lol

I am very excited about my trip as the comment said! I haven't been on a cruise in forever, coupled with the sub-zero weather we have been having, it will be the perfect break for me. And a small chance to warm up for a short while!

Tonight after cocktails we are raiding my gf's closet, she has the best clothes in the world and I'm shopping there for free. Speaking of clothes my bathing suits came in and I love them both, so I've decided I'm keeping them both! Big score for me, they both flatter in their own special way! So 5 days two suits, big smile on face....priceless.

I am starting to organize my stuff too, I'm am the anal organizational queen. Since both me and the boy will be away at the same time I need to get moving. I drop him off at school the morning at 6am and my flight out is 9:30...nothing short of calling it close...

I am off, to change and out the door i go

Day two

Alot of my fellow WLS friends struggle with the fluctuations and ups and downs of weight as we get on in our journey. It's a fact of life, this wonderful "tool" we are given is just that a tool. It's not a cure all, nothing that is going to fix your mind and body and make you beauty pageant thin and beautiful, that is all up to the individual. I have had great success since having my surgery. I have lost my weight, hit my goal and am able to maintain. That in itself is no small feat, because truthfully alot of people never actually hit their goal. They get to a "comfortable" place and then everything stops. Some tend to gain back a little or alot of weight. I have a few people who had surgery when I did who have gained back quite a bit of weight back since surgery, I'm talking 50, 60 or more lbs. It's scary to me to think this could be my reality. Deep down I do not want it to be. I still struggle somedays with the mirror image that reflects back at me, I see myself as I am now, the girl who wears a 6 or 8 or weighs arond 135-145 lb at any given time but I don't always believe what I see in the mirror. This morning was a perfect example of this, I picked out a shirt to wear and while putting it on thinking, I will never be able to button this, well low and behold the shirt is.....to big. When will this ever change? Who knows maybe it never will, sometimes I just need to hear the voice say to me, you are healthy, happy and in the right range for you. I'm petrified of returning the girl I once was.

This whole revelation and story is taking me to something that is going on in my life right now....I moved to my current resident around 5-6 years ago, it was the beginning of the end of my marriage,health and alot of things that were going bad in my life. I have had a partial knee replacement, followed by more weight gain, then the GBS which was followed by my then husband leaving and then the maintenance phase began with me out there dating again. The dating life of me has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, I would say mostly downs. The other night I was on my facebook account and an old neighbor from where I lived sent me an email, "hi neighbor, boy do you look diferent". Well I wasn't sure at first who this person was so I looked at the profile, then thought I recognized them. I replied, yes I've lost quite a bit of weight. They responded you really look great....ok are you seeing this is from a guy neighbor, he proceeds to ask how my children are, my former pet and husband. I respond, the kids are great, my poor pet has passed away and well my husband is now an exh. So we've been back and forth with the chitchat over the email and I give him my number so we can catch up (he was part of a bigger group in that neighborhood that used to hang out together) well I can now see he is taking this towards a possible dating route. I just don't know if I am ready, plus I am in the mentality of he remembers me heavy, fat per se.....I know just by writing if I don't know if I am ready I'm not right, maybe yes, maybe no. I know that when I lived there I thought he was very handsome and all that but I was married so nothing. I also remember telling my one neighbor that if I were single I would have pursued him back then also, she always would tease me about this, maybe she knew his attraction also, maybe not. So tonight we will meet up for coffee and a chat and go from there. I'm not going to shut the door on this, but I just don't know how I feel about it.....

Success

Today was a success! Even with all the yummy food they brought into work for lunch today, I was able to pick through it and find some cheese chunks, salad, and a grilled chicken (which I took out of a sandwich) and cut up on my salad, I brought some clementines and had water, instant lunch. I did manage to snag two hershey kisses too so my sweet tooth was satisfied. Breakfast, one egg w/bacon and toast and dinner, 1/2 cheeseburger that I made with veggies. I did yoga tonight to, I love to stretch but darn it's cold and hard to get stretched properly due to the cold. Oh and a yogurt earlier for snack...yeah today was success....now I need to keep myself out of the fridge and cabinets..lol

I made a SF Hot Chocolate to settle the craving that Iwas getting just typing this stuff....sheesh I am more out of control than I originally thought....back to basics for me, more so than I thought I needed it.

Tomorrow, day 2, and 20 days left till I leave. 3 weeks from now I will be sunning and funning and I need to look decent for this!!

New day

I am starting this day off with my mantra for the next few to get back into routine, low carbs, healthy ones, no junk will pass these lips...

I need more water too, I realized I drink tea, coffee and water but barely any because it's so darn cold, I need to find a way to push more into my body. Maybe some of those crystal light to go sticks, or something. I eat fairly healthy, protein, veggies, little sweets if ever just those darn carbs which are EVERYWHERE!!

My weight is right in the middle of my safety zone right now, 138 this a.m. I am hoping to lose a few lbs more importantly I'm lookng to lose the pudge and bloat I feel with all these carbs. They do give me too much gas and well its very uncomfy and doesn't allow the pants to feel like they are laying nice.....

Off for my morning cup of joe....which I will try to follow each coffee or tea with a bottle of water..

Here's to a new start on this hump day

22 days till the cruise....now if that is not an incentive i don't know what is!

My cruise

is 22 days away, I'm so excited it's not even funny. As I sit here freezing my ass off in this weather that has been in the teens for days I don't know if I won't be frozen by the time I leave for the airport in February. I have a brand new adventure before me with this trip.....I have been alone now for a short while, I am coming to terms with the life that I am leading now and it's really good, I like it actually. I have spent alot of time with my friends, some whom I haven't seen in quite a while because of the distance and the circumstances that have surrounded the whole disassociation, but I am grateful for the chance to rekindle these relationships.

I have been feeling very satisfied like I said in this time and place in my life, I like it here where I live, my kids are very settled here with their schools and friends, but I feel like there is a small piece of me that is wanting more out of life, to experience new things and try out new things or places, I'm not quite sure what it is or what I am searching for right now, but I will continue to look. I think this trip is coming at a perfect time and well that being said the company on the trip is going to be just what I need to break out of my mold so to speak. I am going with an old, dear friend. I know it is going to be a much needed break from my reality here and something that is sorely needed in my life right about now. I am just grateful I will be able to thaw out a little from this cold, cold winter we are having this year!

On another note, the world stopped for a moment this a.m. and sworn in a new president, a chance at a new beginning (hopefully) because the way this nation is now, well I'm not totally happy. Of course nothing will happen overnight but it will happen it has to, I have faith and hope for all of us.

Just another quick note, I've been the horrible carb monster, its the darn cold weather, just makes me want comfort food, I need to stop and stop right now or I will be a beached whale on my trip, in my swimsuit....which cannot happen!! I am writing this to help me stop, gain control of myself again, I realized this today when for the second night after making dinner I was not hungry because my dumbass ate too much crap today! all day long!! enough.....the weight hasn't fluctuated but the pants are a bit snug...ugh

New beginnings

In Washington DC today. Barack Obama is going to be sworn in and with his partner, Joe Biden going to try and sort out this mess known as our government and lead us in the right direction. I've noticed also in the last 2-3 weeks that gas is back up about .30/gallon here to.....so much for that but still the price is lower than last year.

We had icy, snow yesterday, I wish I were off with the millions of other's that were but alas no I worked :(

My life is going great,I'm single again (yes very single..lol) and my job is secure for another year thanks to a shining review. I have great health, my boys, wonderful family (when they want to be) and my weight is maintaining. I haven't weighed in a while, probably since before christmas and I'm maintaining, 137 today..yippee...

23 days till my trip, can you tell I'm excited. I hope my swimsuits show up soon in the mail so I can decide which one if not both to keep...I am so ready for some sun, warmth and fun...it's been along time in the making.

It's winter, not really much going on with me so this is short for now....

The deep freeze got me

Yesterday morning about 7:30 a.m. it's 5 freaking degrees out and what happens, my car died, going up a hill on a busy highway! Only me, only this happens to me. I've just about had it with this car but realistically I don't want a car payment, I have a college tuition I'm paying into, among other incidentals like a home and such....geez...so I have a dead truck sitting out front and alot of thinking to do about what I am going to do about it.

I had a nice weekend though before that, my lobstergram showed up Friday. I had a live lobster, new england clam chowder, a 8 oz filet mignon and butter....it was a gift card as a christmas gift two years ago that provided this sumptuous dinner, I got a salad and a bottle of great red wine and with a friend Friday night we had a superb dinner. It was nice and relaxing and we caught up on old times as I haven't seen them in a while. Today is a little milder but the snow was still falling out there a while ago, the Eagles are on right now, so I am going to cut this short!!

Eagles/Pittsburgh super bowl.....I hope

I've been MIA on here...

My home computer is broken!! The tv broke too...I am blocked from this site at work so thankfully my oldest came home tonight and I borrowed his laptop.

Thankfully we are getting our new tv on Saturday then onto the computer issue at hand. For those of you who I am friendly with on facebook I can access that at work, so I'm trying to keep updates there...lol

Next month I am going on a cruise from Tx to Cozumel....I'm so darned excited I can't even think straight. I have so much to do to get ready as I have yet ventured the white sands or any sands since my WLS and have not one appropriate swimsuit to wear. I ordered a few online today and hopefully one or two I will love when they come to the door. The boy is going to Williamsburg the same time.

We have survived the start of 2009 though even with this issues at hand. The cold weather is here, arrived this afternoon, I left work it was 10 with god knows what wind chill, I'm snuggled up sweats, wooly socks and all...lol I can't wait to get warm even if it's only for one week!! No snow on the ground but lots of snow showers.

I have no idea when I'll be back on here. I miss you all, I hope to catch up on some of the goings on around my blog world....

ciao for now

2008 was a year for...........

rediscovery and growth for me.

As I have decided and decided how I wanted this year end review go, looking back over this year the one thing that stuck out to me was I dated ALOT!! OMG....I have grown tremendously through all this dating too, put myself out there as I have never done before and have learned it is ok for two people to hit it off and that is about it!! lol

January - I was still seeing M, but the end was looming already from what I could see. After the excitement of the holidays passed we settled into an unsettled relationship, although we both stuck it out until May, when I finally broke it off, it was alot of emotions and not all happy for either of us.

February - Valentines Day, one of my least favorite holidays next to NYE!! What can I say, it wasn't what I thought it would turn out to be.

March - Yes a cold and memorable month. The oldest got himself into a heap of trouble and well shall we say he had a big lesson learned.

April - The beginning of Spring and the beginning of me realizing truthfully I was a much better person inside and out than I had given myself credit for. I was moving forward in my life, ready to really try some new things...

May - My birthday, turned into a day about him, ugh!! That was about it...3 days later it was over forever. The end of the month brought the unofficial start to a whirlwind summer for me but first my oldest DS graduated from high school, 15th in his class, talk about a proud mama!!

June- I met a new guy, K.....it was lust oh sorry, infactuation at first sight!! WOW I really liked him....or so I thought!

July - I breezed through life, seeing K off and on hanging out with my girls and learning that the people who I thought were my good friends really weren't.

August - Brought in the heat and humidity and a realignment of my life. K and I were done forever, I lost two very old friends, not as good as I thought they were but long time friends. I had quite a few doors shut in my life this month and I learned alot from these situations.

September - The beginning of school and the busy season for me at work. The end of the month landed me in the emergency room with a hernia....UGH!!

October - Came on with surgery right away and out of work for a few weeks. I enjoyed the late summer/early Autumn weather with my time off....and was alone for the first time this year...ooopss I spoke too soon, I met W this month, we hit it off tremendously....the infactuation was unbelievable but could the relationship last the 90 miles one way driving distance that was between us.....

November - Back to the holiday season in full swing.....Turkey day spent at my dad's and W showing me that holidays are not that important to him, of course at the time I thought it was because we both had to work that Friday.

December - Back in crunch time, the mdse was slow rolling in, Christmas presents were not purchased, wrapping not done and we all got sick!! UGH....we managed to purchase, wrap and enjoy a very Merry Christmas but there was no W in my life, from the 21st to this very day, the 30th I have not seen him in person, I have spoken with him via text a few times and not even a phone call....WOW is all I can say.

So as I close another year in my life, I have found that I have grown immensely...I am closing not only a year, but my first full year of maintaining an unbelievable weight loss, I am closing the door on old people in my life, I am closing the door on yet another relationship that bombed. I am also opening as many doors as I am closing with quality people.....I am still a healthy person, I am generally happy and upbeat and well I am having fun......

So with that Happy New Year to all fellow bloggers.....my life in 2008 was a whirlwind of a ride and I expect 2009 to be the same but hoping to settle down a little in my life!! CHEERS!!!

It's almost over...........

2008 is drawing to a close, Christmas is done and in my past. I had my tv picture die Christmas morning, my computer died also the day after. What could possibly be right in my world? I had my children home, my health, my family and 4 days off!! lol We have done so much, visited so many and well just have been doing things. Today I got some cleaning, some much needed wash and no groceries purchased....I go back to work for 3 days and well I need a little normalcy in my life right now. We have another 3 day week which is perfect but then again the next holiday is the worst for me, it brings with it a reminder of a failed marriage as my anniversary was new years eve.

I have grown so much this year as a person, not just someone who went through WLS and came out a victor, defied the odds which seem to be dwindling to less long term survivors of actual loss than not. I was just speaking with someone in my support group this week regarding the number of people who remain a success is lower than it was a year ago, this really saddens me as this is FOREVER. This is not a quick fix, we go through such alot to get to the point of insurance approvals and whatnot to just throw it away with overeating, eating the wrong things or whatever it is to allow yourself to go back and gain weight! I am mad too at people's lazy attitude that this will fix you and you never have to do anything to help it along! BS, that is all I can say. I have worked hard, eating right, exercise, of course there are days when I let both fly out the window but overall I work at this, I was given a tool and have learned how to use it, and make it work for me. At 2 years out I am still amazed that I am maintaining a 135-140 lb body, from a former fattie, 260 or so lbs tipping the scales. Now I know some of you who read regularly say, yeah 260 she was a lightweight, but it didn't come without the complications of a partial knee replacement, high blood pressure, reflux, and assorted other ailments that have all but left me completely. I find solace after a trying day in yoga, exercise, pumping it up, letting my body guide me not me guide the body as I was before. I'm still springing up and down my stairs at home which sometimes still amazes me as before I could barely get up them without either one - being winded or two - being in tremendous pain from the bad knees (even after surgery).

I have been through a divorce (and not a nice one at that) I have moved the ex out of my home, life and dependancy. I have made it through lay offs at work (which I hope are done) I have made it over 2 years on my own now, through weight loss and being my own provider for me and my children. I have found out that I can do this on my own, without the help of a man, I don't need a man in my life. I have become independant, happy and full of life. I have been through many ups and downs in my dating life this year. Finding myself falling back into the same rut of dating the wrong people, the unemotionally available ones, finding the strength to walk away from these toxic relationships sooner rather than later. I have found myself, the girl who was lost and hidden inside of myself, the girl that this blog is about, the girl who was hiding inside of me all these years, hidden by layers of fat and grief and putdowns, emotional abuse and just things that I have did or allowed myself to become. I have broken free one layer at a time, but who is emerging is a new and different person, one is alot stronger than I ever thought she could be, one who is capable of forgiving, loving and giving back even when it is not given in return. I have peeled off layers and found that the girl I thought was in there is actually someone alot different but I love her just the same if not more! :)

There are alot of blogs where I have touched on this subject. Again, I was faced with disappointment by someone I care for, someone who I had allowed in my life to share things with, I was hoping he was the one, but then again on the 24th, my gf showed me something (which was later denied as to happening) and that broke it for me, I am sad, grief has been a big thing for me this year of 2008, but with all this grief I have grown, grown stronger, grown up in more ways than I could ever imagine. I have lost lots of people who I thought were good in my life, but have found twice as many new ones that are more positive and enrich me in ways I never knew were possible.

So to all who have touched my life, whether in real life, on the internet, whether you ever comment or just read and support me from near and afar, I raise my glass to you, may you have the best holiday season and I wish you and yours Happy Holidays! Let 2009 be everything you set out to make it!

I am ready

As ready as I will be for this Christmas and tonight, the 22nd at 9pm realized that I do not have a gift for my father!!! WTF is that about! we are due there tomorrow at 5pm.... Thank goodness I have the inside scoop we are out at noon tomorrow.. I cannot for the life of me think why I forgot my father since him and I are closer than my mother and I!! Talk about stress....I'm ready to relax, enjoy some of the Patron one of my customers gave me and just chill.....

Anyhow, the holidays, a time for giving and not getting. A time for remembering that the reason for this season is....well depending on your beliefs may be varied..anyhow, I'm leaning towards the good will to men, but of course that won't happen, so I hope the family and friends make it a good one for me!!!

I will have more tomorrow as I'm drained...beyond belief!!! goodnight!

Great weekend and how can I be so tired still....

What a great weekend and I'm still tired. Wokeup late, fooling around here on computer instead of getting ready :)

I am about 1/2 wrapped for christmas, of course I know I will get done but man! Went down around 2pm on Sat to my guys we went to dinner at his sisters then off to the local pub to watch the Ravens beat Dallas....So I got to meet his family, I know he doesn't want all the stories of his sordid past leaking out but....it was fun and we had a great time! Of course his sisters all want some form of WLS but not sure so there were tons of questions fielded my way. Got a call early Sunday morning, his sister fell down her back steps, ICE!! owie so we were hanging out in the ER for about 5 hours Sunday! Then we went down to the ocean and did some outlet shopping, let me tellyou the deals amazing, did anyone have anything in my size? NO!! I ended up with one beautiful sweater and that's it. We did go to eat and I got home around 10pm last night!! OY!!

I'm exhausted, didn't want to get up and it's a balmy 10 degrees out!! Yeah 10, brrr I'm frozen! so I'm off to get ready and hopefully stay awake today! thank goodness for short work week!

Just sipping coffee and........

trying to figure out how I am going to get eveything that needs to be done in the next two days done! I have the shopping done, I will wrap tomorrow while watching some football! I have to pickup two more items that I remembered when I got up this a.m. but there are close and it's easy! I am going downstate later today, to spend time with my guy and I have a turkey from work I need to cook too at some point! I've got cleaning, wash and just the regular things to accomplish also, plus at some point I need to get to the grocery store (BAD)....life is just too busy and we wonder why we get all stressed out at Christmas!! HA

I do love this holiday, the pretty lights, the comraderie that comes out in people, but the busyiness and rush, rush that I put myself through year after year is probably not good for me. I will say though last night I was able to accomplish a tremendous amount of shopping and although I was tired, I was feeling good the whole time! I love to give, I don't expect anything ever in return and just love to pick out that special something for someone. Anal me, I go with a list, add and subtract as I am shopping and keep everything in order so the boys are even and everything else. Today, I'm off to Best Buy, Wii is on the list as the last BIG gift for the family. I know I am going to enjoy this as much as they will!

So, cup of coffee number 2 now and I'm off to the races!

Enjoy the weekend!

The shopping is..............

DONE!! Yeah...wrapping on Sunday! I'm tired and going to bed, another long day ahead tomorrow!

Good night!

2 1/2 years is way too long

We finally got together after two long years...it's amazing what we both have been through. I used to weight 260, she had long, wild hair and now the whole scenario is different. I've missed her although we've kept in touch in email and phone. She is going through the worst crap a person can, two types of breast cancer and she's only 30....humbles those who think they have it all, and yes she's still smiling! I was so happy last night!

Hump Day

The funeral was beautiful, one of the old friends of all my grandparents, their sisters, brothers and other friends sang..She is 94 and still sings like a bird it was beautiful. We stopped by my grandparents grave after the graveside service, it was nice to see them again! Then off for light refreshments. So we get into the CC and there was stuffed shells, roasted turkey, roast beef, rice, veggies...um where are the light refreshments. No wonder the US of A is obese, we call a full blown dinner menu light refreshments!! HA....I saw more cousins that were unable to come up for my grandmother's funeral, they didn't know me either!

Work was a day of catchup yesterday....amazingly it went smooth and easy! I'm glad because I was still tired and not really up for the challenges sometimes the job can bring!

Last night I was talking with my guy (he really needs a name, but anyhow) he has informed me now I am meeting his family sat night at a dinner. Ok, shock and well now I know, we are definitely moving on to the next step here. It's been 2 1/2 months, I've been on the fence but will not baby him like past gf's and whatnot, so I guess the tough love is keeping him around, or maybe it's just me :) LOL Now I'm nervous and of course I was going to spend Friday night and Sat preparing for christmas with shopping! OY when will I get done, well I have Friday night still and Sat up until around 1pm....good lord I hope I get enough done Friday night!

The ex is home, been home almost a week now, he leaves Sat I believe is what I am told....I could care less, there is virtually no communication with him at all...which is good, he is learning I'm over it, he needed toget over it too!

So now I must get ready....the rain is here, thank god because I was thinking it would be icy this a.m. but it's not yeah!!!