Sad Day

Yesterday I got a call from my mom, they have decided to take my grandmother off her life support. I'm very sad, but dont' want her to suffer. She's hanging in there as of now, I hope my two sisters get up here in time to see her before she goes. She's the strongest most beautiful person I know in my life. She has lived a full 96 years and has great family and friends.

Needless to say this isn't the way I thought it would go, but there it is. God has a plan for our family, even if it includes a funeral possibly before the wedding. It's so sad and I'm just dealing.

Did my balance ball, trying to eleviate some agression and frustration or maybe it's just sadness. I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do.

I havent' been eating well, but in hindsight that is definitely a switch. Tonight is support group, and well to be honest no matter what happens I'm glad it is. These are the times when we aren't prepared for how we will handle the situation post WLS.

God bless you grandma, I love you!

It's going to be a great week

I have a short week this week, since I'm taking no formal vacation I've taken off a few Friday's for long summer weekends and this one is another!!

My sister's are on their way up today, I'm so happy. I haven't seen one since before my surgery! Yes, it's been a while

Had a great weekend and made alot of decisions about how I want my life to be, I'm very peaceful now and am enjoying what I can when I can. I am itching to start something new, something I've never done before, but first I have to decide what this is.....stay tuned...

Have a great week!

Another perfect ending

Had a great time last night, met some really cool new friends and even some of the friends of mine at the last minute decided to go out....of course the music was great thanks to the group and we all had a great night.

Today is cloudy and more humid, going to hang with the boy, who is downstairs waiting for me to watch a movie!!

Will try later to get in some sort of exercise, but right now I'm all about the relaxation.

Hope you all had a great one, it's almost time to make the donuts!

Saturdays

Are full of fun, today I made Amish friend bread, it's the first time, in fact before my gf gave it to me I had never heard of it in my life. Learned something new.

Tonight I think I'm going to hang out with the friends. Although no one in the immediate group wants to go, the band will be there and someone will wander in the door and hang out with me. I just need a good night out, with some friends and music.

Cleaned a ton today and yesterday, worked out, Love the new balance ball still, I'm seeing definition in my legs and abs...yeah!!! I really wish I could afford the plastics or had the time to heal but alas it's not in my immediate future.

So the guy, the cutie K, he called yesterday, did I already write this? I forget, if not there it is, if so I'm still riding on that high. We'll see if he can follow through, but I won't hold my breath. If he doesn't it WILL certainly be his loss...lol

Weight is back down the 10 I gained are gone, gone, gone!! yeah, now to stay away from the carbs. Oh didn't I just write I made bread today!! sheesh shooting myself inmy own foot.

Weather is perfect for an evening out....enjoy!

Cheers!

Where did this week go??

This week was busy and fun, I was able to squeeze in some fun even though I had to find it on my own as none of the friends wanted to hang this week. Last night I called a someone I know and asked if they'd meet me out, I know it was wrong but at least I was hanging with someone in the hopes of meeting someone else there that night. To my amazement the evening went perfectly and my little plan worked. I felt a little bad, but really I never said I was going to be more than just a platonic friend to this other guy. He got the wrong impression, but again this isn't the first time that this has happened. So anyhow, I hung, enjoyed some not so great music but got to hang out with my other guy. He called today and now I am debating on whether to call him back or just let him call again, of course he's not the best on follow through, but he did call today!! I feel so giddy, I knew it was so worth the chance last night when he walked in and I got those butterflies. You all remember what that is like!!

Anyhow my week was busy at work, and today was a mental health day, so I got some work done and took a nap and generally relaxed. It's been a great week and beautiful weather, my sisters are on their way up for the start of the wedding celebrations and I can't wait to seethem. My one sister hasn't been home since pre-wls so I'm very excited to see her and her me!!

Have a great one, I'll be back later with more!

Grieving

Tonight my gf and I went to a memorial service and viewing for another's friends father. Now, granted I have not actually seen this gf in about 15 years (her choosing) but we've kept in sporatic touch. Her parents were the best thing for me when mine were going through their own separation and subsequent divorce. They were there unconditionally for me, to listen, learn, voice, and just plain old support me. Why wouldn't I go to the memorial service. So gf (MB) and I arrive at the service, other gf is there greeting people, she greets MB, her mother, two brothers and then I step forward. She has no idea whatsoever who I am. Am I astonished, saddened, shocked. I'd have to say yes to each of the above.

I sit down with gf (MB) and tell her, other gf, she doesn't remember me. Her mom chimes in, she probably just doesn't recognize you. Ok, well I am there for her father, so whatever. Anyhow, I then find out her mother is too ill to attend the service. She in fact is so sick they felt that it would potentially do more harm than good :( Her sister is also not there, which is ok. So the neighbors well they are all there, and there were actually a few that did remember me. Hmm very interesting.

So I felt a little left out, a little humbled and alot of sadness for a great man who was an inspiration to me. Married for 56 years, a lifetime in my eyes to the same woman, whom he loved, cherished and adored to his dying day. The joy and comraderie which is something that eludes my life. Someday I wish to have just a taste of what it is they shared.

God bless you Ed, may you be playing golf on the big course up in heaven.

WOW

Is all I can say about the weekend. It was great, no I mean really great. I won't bore you with all the details but I can say my life has such a better quality and well I have re-found a happiness in it that was dark for a bit. I didn't realize the lightbulb was growing dimmer and dimmer in my last relationship, but alas it was. This weekend started out on Thursday evening with good friends in a relaxed atmosphere and ended up with us all out sharing nacho's and drinks on the deck of an old hotel/bar in the next city over. The sun was shining and we were all having a great time and hanging on to every last great moment until we all had to come back to reality.

So Thursday night I reconnected with an old interest, he's great. Friday night we all hung out down in MD, had a slumber party over at Jenn's...yeah jennie for sharing your home with us and yeah Chuck for keeping me sane that night. Sat we got emails from a good friend who played an acoustic close to home, so we were off to the shore...and another slumber party. I'm still smiling. It was great. In the interest of those reading I'm just going to say it was supposed to be 5 of us Sat night and it turned into an intimate two, at the request of this special someone that I attend the evening out. Thanks!!

Sunday, we did a brunch and hung out....what a glorious weekend and with NO kids. Even the oldest went and spent time with his dad.

I truly love my friends!! Thank you for all cyber and in real life for being there for me no matter what!

I love my friends

To death, even though I totally haven't talked to them on a whole in months. They are all still there waiting for me with open arms and no worries about why I've been away so long. I need to find a way to balance my friends and the next man in my life. That is my new mission. They must be compatible it is a requirement.

Anyhow, last night was a great, casual night out with the friends. Saw my bestest friends belt out some great tunes, in a relaxed and casual atmosphere while I had a few cocktails with the near and dear. More friends showed up later in the evening so I got home rather late but all in all it was a great night. There is one particular person, who shall remain nameless at this point. I've met him before, he is really not in the circle of friends but knows the friends. He's sweet, he goes out of his way to talk with me, everytime I see him. He's cute and he's incredibly shy, but not around me. Last night he must have known (I'm going with the esp) that I needed to hear what a beautiful special person I am. He was gushing and I was there lapping it up, like a cat to milk. I felt like a princess and really nothing happened. I'm not going to jinx this, but he's really nice. Anyhow, my eye candy friend showed up also last night, late. He gives the most incredible hugs to all his friends, but last night he too was telling me he was so glad that I am his friend and that he is blessed in knowing me. They really just knew how to lift my spirits and make me feel like the person I know I am. So the doldrums and self loathing, pity I've been feeling for myself, it's gone. I'm back, to myself, my regular, happy person that I am.

Tonight, I'm going out, in fact the whole weekend is full of friends and more friends. I actually do not have any children responsibility at all. In fact I have my entire house to myself for the next two days and three nights. I don't know what I am going to do with myself, but i'm sure I'll figure it out right quick!! lol

So with this I bid you all a great weekend, I'm going to squeeze in some intense exercise in there too as I need to get back in the groove and get the beach body ready, I'm going to be getting there soon.......

Enjoy ciao

Thursday

The weather has broken and last night was unbelievable. I was out for my walk and well had every intention of coming home and getting the balance ball routine going, but nope. First a great friend who is in a bad relationship called, crying. Second, the stbxh came over to drop off the boy and well he picks a fight. Third, I am thinking the friend is calling me back so I answer, didn't look at the caller id, it's the ex bf, he's in a rage. WTF, is exactly the thought that ran through my head last night. What did I do to deserve this. The stars were not aligned in my world. So needless to say, I was distraught, but tried to not let it get to me, no balance ball, but the walk was done.

Today, it's a new day, starting a new life. Tonight we hang out with friends, good friends, non judgmental ones to hear some good acoustic and well just be us. I can't wait until tonight. So relaxing.

Exciting times

Yesterday I got to meet Lorraine Bracco...WOW she is a great person, genuine and warm. Our company is currently distributing her wines and she came here to kick it off. What a great person she is.....

Other than that last night he came down and got the rest of the stuff. I didn't let on how this has affected me, but the mild depression I suffer from is creeping in. I'm journaling like crazy trying to mainstream it elsewhere and not take over, I truly hate when it happens. I'm defenseless against it and it truly sucks! I'm a mess this morning, makeup cannot fix the damage that my face endured last night, I popped in a claritin for swelling, eye covers in the freezer for swelling and well I'm going to try and make myself presentable here in a few. I feel good, so don't worry about that. I'm alot stronger mentally than I give myself credit for, but damn it feels bad to be rejected in a way that I just spent the better part of my life trying to get away from.

Somedays being human sucks, especially when you are a caring person.

Today the heat wave is over, well it's still going to be hot, but the humidity they promise will be lower. My electric bill will be thanking me for this!! as will my hair.

Speaking of hair, my color is growing out, maybe it's time for something new. Something a little more funky than my normal funky. I don't know, got to find the cash for this funkiness and then we'll go from there.

I ate well yesterday, no carb munching in times of need. I did have 1/2 of a smores but all in all I ate really well. Tonight I exercise, it's been a few days, I love my new balance ball, I can actually feel the difference right after I do the routines. Awesome.....

What an interesting way to start the week

Ok I'm tired, boned dead tired. It's my own fault out on a sunday night. Then I get a call today, dinner meeting...ok so off I go, had a great seafood dinner (again) lobster, shrimp, clams, mussels, and scallops...oh good god where did I put all the food. Let's just say it's still digesting hours later.

Work was busy, but not crazy. The boss is really cracking down, which I think is about time and great news. Some of the slackers are nervous as they should be, but I go in each and every day and give it my 110%, I'm not worried but you never know what will happen.

So we have four days left this week, the ex bf is coming down tomorrow to pickup his last of his stuff....and give me mine that I left at his house. Should be interesting since he won't talk with me unless it's through text messaging. Whatever!! Some people just don't know when to grow up.

So I'm off, ds1 wants to watch a movie and well I haven't really seen him since Thursday..

ciao have a great evening....

Back to the work week

The date was fabulous....we went to Havre de Grace, had a nice quiet little dinner in a cozy little place near the water....walked along the water afterward....

The worst was the traffic home, a 40 min ride turned into 1 1/2 hours long, at 11pm!!

I'm sleepy

more later

Sunday, sunday

It's another hot one here kids. The heat indices yesterday I believe had us around 105 today it's supposed to get to 110. How fun, 95 plus degrees and humidity....does a number on ones appearance for a date tonight.

Hmm you say, a date tonight, sure why not. It's a harmless dinner and drink....nothing gained nothing lost. Besides I've known this guy for a while, he's been asking me out regularly and well today I caved and said yes.

So I'm headed down my gf house so she can straighten my hair....hopefully it stays that way...and well hang out with the kidtill dinner. I did manage to wash the car and clean up the house somewhat today also, plus I got in a mile and 1/2 walk plus my ab workout on the balance ball and it's only 10 of 2, not to shabby for a Sunday.

Until tomorrow......

It's over

He has packed and left. I am truly amazed that through the process, even though it was short, I was not sad at all. No tears shed, so that tells me in my heart that is was already over. Sad that it is. He was verbally very mean, I too shall overcome that, because I know deep down I am not a mean, cold person. Sometimes people are just too different. Their differences do not mesh therefore they do not belong together. That is why they call it dating. Funny thing he said on the way out "Never call me again" while the whole time we were seeing one another he was like "Even if it doesn't work out, we'll always be friends". How quickly a leopard changes his spots.

So now I'm off to another chapter in my life. Once again, I feel freer than before, it's all a learning process.

tired again

I feel like I could sleep away the whole weekend again!

Doc visit went well, I'm maintaining which is great. We spoke in depth about my exercise and eating habits now, which the doc said would impact how I will do for the next six months before I go back. He said that the eating and exercise is the most important part of maintenance which i have to totally agree with him on. He also invited me to submit a before and after picture for their new website...how exciting is that.

We put in the a/c's and not a minute too soon, we are headed for a heatwave. 90+ degrees for the next week!! yuck. On the worse note, the humidity is still really weighing heavily on my chest, another reason why I feel I could sleep the week away. Did I exercise tonight? Nope, too sleepy, I opted for a mini nap which was rudely interrupted.

The man and I have alot of talking to do, I requested that he leave his pup at home this weekend, he should be down Sat sometime. I think it's do or die time, because frankly I'm tired of the turmoil. Another cold day for us today :(

On a bright note, I feel good....that's my bright note for today...life is good!

But I don't feel so good.

Back on the mend

From being so sick. The heat and humidity are coming and the humidity is keeping pressing down on my chest light weights but I'm surviving. Going to keep breaking this mess up so it doesn't come back and turn into something worse.

Having total personal issues. Somedays I think I am just not ready for a relationship, is this wrong or right I don't know but it's how I feel. I don't feel lonely or sad just lost in a big, big world out there. Trying to find out who I am and where do I fit in all of this mess.

Personal, professionally life is in turmoil. I've been utilizing most of my energies to my job and my kids so it really has left little time for the relationship. Maybe I'm just not ready. A gf at work commented yesterday after a phone call, who were you talking with. I asked why and she said it sounded like the stbxh but it was actually the bf I was speaking with. Scary to see that it has gotten to that point, I guess in a way I know the answer now to trudge through and do something about it.

Weight is up, I am not happy. I have a new exercise regimine. I bought a balance ball, bands and mat. I love it. I feel my muscles tightening with each move I make. I feel my strength gaining. IT's just that good.

Today is my 18 month check up. Anxious to see my labs based on how I have been feeling. Well I guess if I get ready I'll know sooner than later.

Until later.

Good lord where do I start

Ok, my son graduated from high school. We had a big bbq on memorial day weekend to celebrate.

I was sick from that Sunday night of Memorial day weekend through today, sinus infection - green ooze really bad cough...you get the picture

I finally got my bloodwork done for my 18 month appt this Thursday - and no I can't believe it's been 18 months either

I hooked up with an old friend last Thursday night - yes I went out when I wasn't feeling well and did myself no good

Slept all weekend away - in fact i was supposed to work theDover Nascar race for work and totally bagged on that - I believe i was up for like 8 hours the whole weekend

My son graduated 22 in his class of 371 - yes I'm bragging and being the proud mama

Summer has come on with a vengeance

Mike and I - well we've had our differences lately

My son's bff was the co-validitorian of his class

tomorrow is ds2 last day of school for the summer vacation - I still can't believe it

I've been so tired I haven't turned on the computer since I last blogged....so there is too much to catch up on....

For now, I will remain a hopeless/hopeful blogger and until I return......well

ciao

Back to being a blog slacker....

Ok, another week and ALOT has happened. Where do I begin!!

Last Sat was a nice day....we went prom gown shopping with my honey's daughter. She is a senior like my son and I never ever imagined I would get to go prom dress shopping. Wow it was really a nice thing for her to ask me to go with her. She actually insisted on waiting until I was finished my parenting class so I could go, she is beautiful and the dress and shoes she found were just wonderful, she will be a vision on her prom.

Sunday we were busy getting ready for the flea market this weekend. It was mother's day and my birthday to boot, my sweetie really did me right with all the thoughtful gifts and made me feel like the most special person in the whole world (which rarely happened in previous relationships) so even though my son made me totally cranky it was a great day.

Then the migraine came, on with a vengeance, Sunday night into Monday. I actually got sick from it that is how bad it was. DS2 was back at the doc's too, his meds were done and the rash was still spreading. I think this time the increased dosage for longer is going to do the trick!! yeah

Tuesday back at work and busy, busy, busy. Alot of great and interesting things going on and I'm right in the midst of it all. My boss complimented me on how well I keep it together and cool under all the stress and pressure of the changes going on. Yeah for me, now if I could get him to translate that into a raise, I'd be in seventh heaven.

Today, Mike called and asked me to call his daughter 911. I called, got her voicemail. She called back. Thank god I was sitting because it was the news every parent dreads hearing from their 18 year old. She's pregnant. She hasn't told her father. I know and he doesn't. I vowed to keep the secret but only until sat, I told her she must come over and we will all sit down and talk about it and her plans. As of right now she plans on giving the baby up for adoption. It's going to be one of the roughest days of his life, and i know he already suspects it, but it's the whole coming out with it.

My son who has prom tomorrow is NOT coming home to see me prior to it, I'm devastasted. My feelings are hurt beyond repair, but there is nothing I can do about it. I'm going to try and get to the gf's house prior to them leaving so I can snap a few shots, otherwise I won't see them at all. I think this was just another stab at me for all the change I've brought in his life this year and well to be honest I'm not happy. His father is coming to talk about his actions, lack of helping around the house, etc tonight should be interesting. In fact he should be here soon. So I need to close this now.

I have a long weekend ahead of me. Lots of things to do and hopefully some sleep in there too.

I missed catching up on everyone again this week...hopefully one day my life will slow down enough....

I am so tired

This burning the candle on both ends is catching up with me. Last night I had my annual mammogram. Last year I had the scare, in there twice and now just to monitor, well I have to say the place was the MOST unorganized since I've been there, but they have my history and to move it all now ugh. So after a two hour wait the girl from the front desk says you can wait another 45 minute (which will be 8pm) or we can mail your results, I was out, I was literally shaking from not having eaten in hours and was feeling very tired and nervous. So needless to say I don't know how my mammo turned out :(

I haven't been exercising either :( This is very bad and messes with my emotional happiness I've noticed when I don't, today, lunch, yoga.....I have to!!

Waiting on the weekend, busy one at that, our last weekend to get the flea market stuff ready and it's Mother's day along with my bday (44 yikes) I definitely don't feel 44 but wow, I was told by my guy no purchases of anything unless it's food until Monday, may 12th. I wonder what he has up his sleeve.

Oh and my oldest ds took off work on Sunday to spend the day with his mama, this is a real treat as he usually works every weekend and I never see him unless I pop in and see him sleeping. He has something planned also.....

Should be a busy but nice one, showery to day and tomorrow then beautiful cooler weekend in store.

Cinco de Mayo

Is a busy time for us. ....we celebrated the Kentucky Derby Sat with work, an all weekend long celebration of cinco de mayo and what did I do...had a parenting class on Sat and tended a sick child the rest of the weekend. Not my own but his daughter who is suffering from bad migraine headaches, so bad they made her sick and puke all weekend. Poor girl.

Other than that we had another fabulous weekend, getting ready for a big flea market with tons and tons of stuff to sell. We've priced and packed numerous things and still have quite a bit to go through. All in all it should be a great sale....

Weight - same
exercise - lacking a bit here but still going strong
outlook - fantastic

Tonight I've had quite a few nosebleeds, bad ones like I had when ds2 was born....been feeling quite rough but i will survive as always

Speaking of ds2 had to get him to the doctor today with an unknown rash/skin something all over his body. Turned out his allergies are expressing themselves through his skin instead of sniffling, sneezing or watery eyes. So the doc prescribed cortizone zpak and some antihistimine rx and he should be good.

Me, I'm day 4 straight of having hot flashes. I think the milestone of turning 44 is called premenopause and I'm feeling the side effects of it hot and heavy, no pun intended. In fact I'm starting another hot flash as we speak.....so with all that lovely visual I'm off to catch up on some of my shows I've been missing.

This week is the grand finale of Survivor and I have to say I'm glad someone finally played the immunity idol they found!! Yeah Amanda....