Good morning out there, it has been a very long time and a lot has happened in my life once again.  I had a heart attack July 2011, it was mild but sent my life into a whirlwind spiral downwards.  Of course at the time I had no idea that the following events would happen.  So I was out on leave for two weeks to recoup, then I sank into what was finally diagnosed as chronic fatigue syndrome, where I was sleeping anywhere from 16-20 hours a day!  Yes, a DAY!!  I was in this state for almost six months, talk about losing a part of your life.  I wish in hindsight that I was able to blog during this time to keep a "journal" per se of what was going on.  Anyhow, I was put on sleeping meds and anti-depressants, finally able to turn it around with my own willpower also took myself off both of these medications as they were actually making me feel worse once I was feeling better.  My job was relocated to FL during this time, at the end of December 2011, hence I am unemployed and have been since this time.  I spend most of my days job hunting and just trying to keep busy so I don't get too upset and let the anxiety set in.  I did have a few months of work at my local nursery during the spring, but once again the weather turned cold and gloomy and they no longer needed my services in May :(  I have sent 1000's of resumes out and have had a few job interviews, but overall it stinks out there, but I don't think I need to tell anyone that!!  lol  I am blessed to have a good friend who is letting me stay with her, she is never here anyhow...lol and I keep up the house and I get some assistance for food and needs so overall I am not destitute.  It's those little things that I have to remember that make me a lucky person.

I do have some good in all of that gloom!  My son's band is having a jam at the end of the month prior to the beginning of the school year, he is also a senior this year!  He made honor roll the last marking period of his eleventh year which is a first for him and I couldn't be more proud.  Considering our circumstances that is great news!  He has been very active this summer with his friends, band and is now in FL visiting relatives for a few weeks.  I miss him horrible, but it is a nice little break. 

I also have been helping care for the "girls" mom, who is disabled and had shoulder surgery in early May, she is healing nicely but she also has two bum hips so they will be next on her bucket list of surgeries to get herself right.  I don't mind I cook and clean and just generally make sure she is ok and comfortable and fed.

So that is my life, it is now time to go job hunt!!  and thanks for all the comments that have been coming along.  Things are not the best but could be so much worse right!!

This is where I need to be...

No matter where I am in my life, this where I need to be... I am a person who needs to put down in words what is going on in my life...I am slow at realizing this is the truth...so here is what is going on...

Last week, not so good, I had a few days of feeling ill, then Wed, I made the doctor appt before that I had racing heart and some anxiety, well it comes to be that I had a mild heart attack,  I am coping with this illness, not so well, but it is my life now.. Thank goodness I gave notice to my second job, relieve a bit of stress.  We went and saw some awesome apts today, so application will be put in and hopefully I will get to move in the next month.  My life is topsy turvy at best but the whole heart attack thing has got me on a pause.  I did WAY too much yesterday, came home, slept and then was so shaky.  Not sure how I will manage the eight hours tomorrow but I will put my best foot forward as always....

I am scared, I have never had anything so severe happen to me in my life, I have one son who is 100% reliant on me and I can't bear the thought of not being there for him, yet alone leaving my oldest.  I don't know where my future leads, but it's hard.  The bypass has left me with them saying I don't eat enough...I have lost 18lbs since May when I say my family doc last, its scary, but I again don't know what else to do, I am trying my best each and every day, but it seems not enough.....  so yes this is my release to put it all out there.

On a brighter note, James, a dear friend and maybe you can consider bf has been wonderful, three jobs he has and he has been there for me more than once this week, he is my rock....I just feel like I need something to hold on to....silly, stupid but is how I feel right now...I have my best girl,  she knows who she is, but the many miles put us in position to not spend quality time, I love her no less just wish we were closer.  My life is a puzzle, each day reveals a new piece, not sure I always to play....

Life and it's many twists and turns.....

The past two weeks have been a up and down rollercoaster ride with many twists and turns.  Many highs and many lows, but I am coming out of it in one piece.  First off, giving notice to the job #2, it has served it's purpose and I need me back.  So not too much longer.  Secondly, found out an old bf and still friend passed end of June.  That was shocking and very sad to me, kind of made me take a pause and think about my life and where I want to be.  We were two weeks apart in age....so many changes are occuring right now in my life.  Third, I have no time to look for places to live because I am ALWAYS working, we are changing that!! 

So, we had the friend crab feast last weekend, Saturday, what a great time.  It is always great to see all my friends, and with no softball and little get togethers this year it was a welcome relief in my busy life.  I had met a guy, but for whatever reason that didn't seem to work out....the other one in my life, well I am going to keep him around for a bit and see how things work out..lol  I am off this weekend, tomorrow we go to Baltimore for the afternoon and evening, Saturday, family reunion.  It's going to be a beautiful weekend and I can't wait to see old family and hang with friends.

Work, is work  always busy and crazy....that about sums up my last two weeks....I will try to be more diligent, this is really a great tool for me

A different type of holiday.............

It started out on a great foot, I thought WOW, I am really going to end up having a great time, in the end not so much....just the same old and work....I am unenchanted.

Tonight I had a talk with AJ, I always really enjoyed being with him, but his distance and all lately has put me off, he claims he has given me time to figure things out, seriously I am more upset than happy with that response. 

Tonight is definitely not a good night, coming off a weekend of celebration for our country, and I am less than satisfied about everything...life, how the US is running this great country, the "verdict" today, I want so much to be a believer in this country and everything it and we represent but seriously I am having issue with that right now.


I am just not a happy girl right ...................

TGIF and happy holiday weekend!!

Honestly, I can't believe the fourth of July weekend is upon us already!!  Where does the time go!!  I know I have been busy, working and just trying to keep up with life in general but WOW it's July!

Last night was another work night, nothing unusual, but it ended with a great date and lack of sleep for me today is insane.  Ok, so now I will back up a little.  I have a rule, no dating people I work with, golden rule so things don't get messy if it doesn't work out.  I have for years kept tried and true to this rule and didn't really break it, but I have.  There is a guy at job 2 that I like, but given said rule I never acted on it.  Well then he tells me, "I have gotten a new job and will be leaving soon" so ok.... I start thinking maybe then I will go on a date and see what happens, so we do.  Well then he said new job may not last through winter months so he rearranges his work schedule at the job we share and now he's staying, so I have broken the rule.  Well we talk, alot and he's sweet.  Will bring me flowers or something to work, always thoughtful the whole nine yards.  I really haven't let anyone in my heart since it was shattered last summer, sure I have dated and I think out of loneliness more than wanting a boyfriend.  So anyhow, here we are in the situation, we are still working together, went out after work on an awesome date, I have like 2 hours of sleep under my belt today and am so happy, but feel torn.  I believe being the adults we are can make this work, I don't think long term I will remain at this job so that can work, but for now I really don't want this out for public consumption (as this work tends to be like a big high school with gossip).  So all that said, confusing or not, here I am....big smile, little sleep and I really feel connected again to someone for the first time in a long time.  Now the baby steps of dating, getting to know one another and having fun (as my bff will tell me over and over!!)  lol 

On the homefront, things are well hopefully moving forward, going to see yet another place next week, Monday...fingers crossed for me as I need to get out!!  But for now, life is good, no lets correct that life is great....

I have lost alot in my life, and it's not only the weight..................

I have lost so many things along my way in this life, my grandma, whom I loved to her death at 96.  My marriages, which I had tried so much to make happen.  My oldest son, who decided to go live with his father.  But the one thing I have not lost (or at least lately) is me.  I think I lost a bit in my marriage, ok maybe alot, but that's not the point.  The point is each of us needs to be an individual.  Where is this new blog going, you may ask because I know I am all over the place, but it's me, it's my feelings and thoughts at this point in time, so.....

Anyhow, the night before last I set down and wrote a few things that I expect to happen in my future, and if they don't I will keep looking until they do.....so here goes....

I call this I'm the girl who....here we go

I'm the girl who will put my head on your shoulder, not because I'm sleepy but because I want to be closer to you

I'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than in your bedroom or and out in public

I'm the girl who says, "Ok you owe me..."  but not because I want something, but because it means I get to spend time with you

I'm the girl who you can take absolutely anywhere and I will (at least try) to enjoy myself because I can spend time with you

I'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like, I want to spend the evening curled up in their arms

I'm the girl who never forgets all the sweet things you do for me

I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss

I'm the girl who you can talk with about anything

I'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one

I'm the girl who will brag about you to all my friends

I'm the girl who will listen to you talk

I'm the girl who will who loves it when you hug me for no reason

I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason, other than you want to

I'm the girl who loves when you kiss me on the forehead or hugs me from behind for no apparant reason

I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what people say about us

I'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend

I'm the girl who loves when you take my hand to hold for no reason at all

I'm the girl who loves you to play with my hair

I'm the girl who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have

I'm the girl who, once I let you in my heart, will always have a place there with your name on it.  And even if we spend time apart, I'm a girl that will never forget you

I'm the girl who loves seeing that sparkle in your eyes which lets me know that you feel the same way about me that I do about you


So now I have bared my soul and thoughts and I am glad it's down somewhere never to be forgotten, because I won't forget!

I tried this the other day, but.............

It never got started for that matter, so here we are on Tuesday.  After a full weekend of work, a stomach bug (thinking food poisoning) and not much else I am here, alive....feeling it barely.  lol

Had a full weekend of work, not too busy there as the busy season is winding down with the approach of the 4th of July holiday.  I have had my hours cut back some recently, only to find out they are ramping them up now for my future, not sure what that is about, but the paycheck is nice :)

Had to work last night, of course last minute customers kept us there way too late and by the time I got home, I crashed....hard.  Of course I had a miserable time waking up this a.m. but managed to get my lazy butt out of bed and ready for work and on time :)  Tonight I am off, have to get the piles of laundry done as I am out of clothes, well at least what I like to wear.  lol  I am exhausted today, hoping it subsides shortly as the day moves on, the oppressive humidity isn't helping either as I feel like a bowling ball is lodged on top of my head pushing down hard.  This is the part of living here that I dislike the most.  Hopefully the sun will burn it off sooner than later and I will get some relief. 

So last week I spoke of exercise, which is still non existant in my life, but my eating habits, I have taken back control and am doing well with, no more snacking and eating late at night, that is the worst thing I have had to deal with.  It does help immensely so I don't feel uncomfortable overnight.  Hopefully soon I will find my motivation to exercise as I really, really want to get back in that habit.

Upcoming holiday weekend is rapidly approaching, usually I would be heading to the beach for an extended weekend, but alas I am working.  ALL weekend long.  If it weren't for the great peeps I work with I am sure I would not want to do it, but things have definitely shifted in my life, so I am more accepting of circumstances I cannot control.

Had a call from a friend of mine last week, mid 30's and he has stomach cancer, of course when they did the biopsy it's the worst form, so he has a long road again.  I have a feeling another friend of mine, who called me yesterday is going to give some bad news also :(  It's so sad, these guys are both too young for this.

Work is busy, we are in our second biggest week of the year this week, as alot of our suppliers are ending their fiscals and the 30th is our second largest sales day of the year behing the 31st of Dec.  So with that said, I am off to get some work done...lol

When it rains, it pours.......

Last night I was home early, to bed early (or at least I tried) because I had to be at THD today at 7.....well it seems like more than one of the ex bf's decided last night was a great night to get in touch.  I count, at the end of the day, 4 of them text or called me last, so what is up with that, and seriously why haven't you moved on!  I have!!!

So anyhow, yes I came home last night after running a million errands after work for fresh fruit and veggies, ordered out a semi-healthy meal, ate and crashed.  Up today at 4am, in to work early and the best part, out EARLY!!  I actually drove home in hot sunshine and beautiful weather, windows down and sunroof wide open!!!  So here I am, home, relaxing enjoying the rest of this beautiful day!

Tomorrow, back at 8 in...and then I will be done til Tues night.  Sometimes these weekends really take their toll on me, my personal life is pretty much non-existant anymore because I can't roll with the friends and be at work at the same time.   So I guess, yes things are different...

I was supposed to hook up with an old friend tonight, and guess what I am tired....geesh I can't believe I just wrote that...so off to grill some dinner and see what happens tonight.