Sunday, July 24, 2011

This is where I need to be...

No matter where I am in my life, this where I need to be... I am a person who needs to put down in words what is going on in my life...I am slow at realizing this is the truth...so here is what is going on...

Last week, not so good, I had a few days of feeling ill, then Wed, I made the doctor appt before that I had racing heart and some anxiety, well it comes to be that I had a mild heart attack,  I am coping with this illness, not so well, but it is my life now.. Thank goodness I gave notice to my second job, relieve a bit of stress.  We went and saw some awesome apts today, so application will be put in and hopefully I will get to move in the next month.  My life is topsy turvy at best but the whole heart attack thing has got me on a pause.  I did WAY too much yesterday, came home, slept and then was so shaky.  Not sure how I will manage the eight hours tomorrow but I will put my best foot forward as always....

I am scared, I have never had anything so severe happen to me in my life, I have one son who is 100% reliant on me and I can't bear the thought of not being there for him, yet alone leaving my oldest.  I don't know where my future leads, but it's hard.  The bypass has left me with them saying I don't eat enough...I have lost 18lbs since May when I say my family doc last, its scary, but I again don't know what else to do, I am trying my best each and every day, but it seems not enough.....  so yes this is my release to put it all out there.

On a brighter note, James, a dear friend and maybe you can consider bf has been wonderful, three jobs he has and he has been there for me more than once this week, he is my rock....I just feel like I need something to hold on to....silly, stupid but is how I feel right now...I have my best girl,  she knows who she is, but the many miles put us in position to not spend quality time, I love her no less just wish we were closer.  My life is a puzzle, each day reveals a new piece, not sure I always to play....

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Life and it's many twists and turns.....

The past two weeks have been a up and down rollercoaster ride with many twists and turns.  Many highs and many lows, but I am coming out of it in one piece.  First off, giving notice to the job #2, it has served it's purpose and I need me back.  So not too much longer.  Secondly, found out an old bf and still friend passed end of June.  That was shocking and very sad to me, kind of made me take a pause and think about my life and where I want to be.  We were two weeks apart in age....so many changes are occuring right now in my life.  Third, I have no time to look for places to live because I am ALWAYS working, we are changing that!! 

So, we had the friend crab feast last weekend, Saturday, what a great time.  It is always great to see all my friends, and with no softball and little get togethers this year it was a welcome relief in my busy life.  I had met a guy, but for whatever reason that didn't seem to work out....the other one in my life, well I am going to keep him around for a bit and see how things work out..lol  I am off this weekend, tomorrow we go to Baltimore for the afternoon and evening, Saturday, family reunion.  It's going to be a beautiful weekend and I can't wait to see old family and hang with friends.

Work, is work  always busy and crazy....that about sums up my last two weeks....I will try to be more diligent, this is really a great tool for me

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

A different type of holiday.............

It started out on a great foot, I thought WOW, I am really going to end up having a great time, in the end not so much....just the same old and work....I am unenchanted.

Tonight I had a talk with AJ, I always really enjoyed being with him, but his distance and all lately has put me off, he claims he has given me time to figure things out, seriously I am more upset than happy with that response. 

Tonight is definitely not a good night, coming off a weekend of celebration for our country, and I am less than satisfied about everything...life, how the US is running this great country, the "verdict" today, I want so much to be a believer in this country and everything it and we represent but seriously I am having issue with that right now.


I am just not a happy girl right ...................

Friday, July 01, 2011

TGIF and happy holiday weekend!!

Honestly, I can't believe the fourth of July weekend is upon us already!!  Where does the time go!!  I know I have been busy, working and just trying to keep up with life in general but WOW it's July!

Last night was another work night, nothing unusual, but it ended with a great date and lack of sleep for me today is insane.  Ok, so now I will back up a little.  I have a rule, no dating people I work with, golden rule so things don't get messy if it doesn't work out.  I have for years kept tried and true to this rule and didn't really break it, but I have.  There is a guy at job 2 that I like, but given said rule I never acted on it.  Well then he tells me, "I have gotten a new job and will be leaving soon" so ok.... I start thinking maybe then I will go on a date and see what happens, so we do.  Well then he said new job may not last through winter months so he rearranges his work schedule at the job we share and now he's staying, so I have broken the rule.  Well we talk, alot and he's sweet.  Will bring me flowers or something to work, always thoughtful the whole nine yards.  I really haven't let anyone in my heart since it was shattered last summer, sure I have dated and I think out of loneliness more than wanting a boyfriend.  So anyhow, here we are in the situation, we are still working together, went out after work on an awesome date, I have like 2 hours of sleep under my belt today and am so happy, but feel torn.  I believe being the adults we are can make this work, I don't think long term I will remain at this job so that can work, but for now I really don't want this out for public consumption (as this work tends to be like a big high school with gossip).  So all that said, confusing or not, here I am....big smile, little sleep and I really feel connected again to someone for the first time in a long time.  Now the baby steps of dating, getting to know one another and having fun (as my bff will tell me over and over!!)  lol 

On the homefront, things are well hopefully moving forward, going to see yet another place next week, Monday...fingers crossed for me as I need to get out!!  But for now, life is good, no lets correct that life is great....